Advice What can I do???

[DB2021]

"I don't know" and "I can't remember" are red flags to me. They seem to come up around times that mum has been trying to poison the situation.

The biggest protection you can provide, imho, it to stay in the picture at any cost. It is not a fair fight, keeping going is the victory.

Let us know how things go and keep getting thoughts from people on here.

Yes the eye were to me to along with many other red flags I’ve noticed, I knew things going well at start were a smokescreen, she thinks she’s clever but I’ve known her game all along.

And that’s exactly what I will do there’s nothing that will stop me fighting not my I have breath in my lungs.

I will this forum has been a life saver for me.

 

[Peanut 21]

I’m so so sorry to hear that it’s disgusting what people are allowed to get away with, our system is shocking and needs a complete overhaul.

Luckily for me I’ve caught it early and I won’t stop until I’m listened to.

At the very least I want to be able to show my little girl that I did everything I could.

I hope your partner gets the help he deserves and gets his daughter back

Yes, your daughter is a lot younger so it's very clear she's being told what to say. There's no way a 5 year old makes up their own mind about suddenly not liking their dad.
Keep on going and nip it in the bud early.

 

[DB2021]

Definitely continue turning up. I was in a vaguely similar position, every time I brought a jiffy bag with me. It had a card inside with a simple loving message. I learnt to draw rainbows and unicorns so that I could decorate the envelopes by hand. Used to also do pictures of a little girl walking hand in hand with their dad. Made it all about stuff I knew she loves. A few cheep little toys from Asda or Lidl, two or three sweets - you can get tiny bags and fruit based stuff. You would need to get some paint pens and gel pens:

https://www.googleadservices.com/pagead/aclk?sa=L&ai=DChcSEwiA0PaTyKv9AhUb7e0KHY0aAwYYABALGgJkZw&ohost=www.google.com&cid=CAESbOD2ZgyGvTwIk_dp9rp-c2jPOLRSL_Qn63RCVY5wEBcBM9VbOOrfUs2wFSW30FjfrNPJngVk4qZMTu3-IP-Ok5cTgYsHYLxuxSY0aXdyTFhqPBlD6o1_A6Ni7D18axhUFoeEJA0YUP97StRHrg&sig=AOD64_1dz2Pqr1nRX0qq1sFHpMTTSdhu-g&ctype=5&q=&ved=2ahUKEwjZnu6TyKv9AhWGQEEAHfCjDW4Qwg8oAHoECAMQEg&adurl=

https://www.googleadservices.com/pagead/aclk?sa=L&ai=DChcSEwjb6Yq6yKv9AhUGtO0KHefBBggYABBDGgJkZw&ohost=www.google.com&cid=CAESbOD2nRMennz8WCZ6_ZPiZImReDgjYUBwXteSYibGQahpCoVZx0fI2h7klw-U1ITcxKwZBiaJjPQHJj3_-W7CILoDos2wn6fc25Gx6H6pKIORimEMkKAPj3O20Kv9Tl240PhuzNJHfbK5sEFj_Q&sig=AOD64_2n7FNoan6KZKDwstEoZpto2p40cQ&ctype=5&q=&ved=2ahUKEwi-7YO6yKv9AhWkmFwKHVtOCc0Qwg8oAHoFCAIQygE&adurl=

My little one still has very fond memories of those little packages. It is mum's job to make her ready, but in the meantime try to keep the link up and let the kid have fond memories associated with you.

Please share age of the child, ways of handling vary for a 4 year old and a 14 year old.

Hi Resolute,

So I took the package this morning.

She came and got it from me and seamed happy with it but still refused to come but it was better than it has been no telling me to shut up or trying to hit me. I did see a glimmer of hope when I gave her it and said would you like to come she did smile but in the end she just sat at top of stairs and said she didn’t want to.

Mam did nothing as usual just shouted are you going with dad or not because it’s cold and heating is on then when she said no she just said say “bye then” like usual.

I’ve made another card just wondering what type of things I should write in them as don’t want to just write the same thing each time.

 

[Resolute]

Does she have a pet name that she likes?

You do not need too many words, I would avoid anything negative, or anything that gives an indication of what is going on in the background. I do not think it was bad to write that you miss her, but maybe "I cannot wait to see you!", "It was great to see you yesterday"...

Personally, it felt like pictures and colourful patterns spoke louder than words. Personalise it to what you know she loves. Painstakingly colouring in something speaks volumes, she knows that stuff takes ages to do and she will know you did it for her.

P.s. well done today! You made a difference from a terrible starting point

 

[DB2021]

Does she have a pet name that she likes?

You do not need too many words, I would avoid anything negative, or anything that gives an indication of what is going on in the background. I do not think it was bad to write that you miss her, but maybe "I cannot wait to see you!", "It was great to see you yesterday"...

Personally, it felt like pictures and colourful patterns spoke louder than words. Personalise it to what you know she loves. Painstakingly colouring in something speaks volumes, she knows that stuff takes ages to do and she will know you did it for her.

P.s. well done today! You made a difference from a terrible starting point

Yeah I call her princess and another name which I can’t say given no names allowed which I always write in things,

It was definitely a nice feeling to see her smile at me again and I could tell she was conflicted which I think shows a lot,

Drawing and making the cards is such a nice feeling so thank you so much for that idea.

I am waiting for Ash to reply to a message before I send the email before action and I’ll go from there.

But I’ll keep going with the cards and turning up each time for contact whilst it hurts to drive away it just makes me more determined to make sure she knows I’m always there no matter what.

 

[mva]

Yeah I call her princess and another name which I can’t say given no names allowed which I always write in things,

It was definitely a nice feeling to see her smile at me again and I could tell she was conflicted which I think shows a lot,

Drawing and making the cards is such a nice feeling so thank you so much for that idea.

I am waiting for Ash to reply to a message before I send the email before action and I’ll go from there.

But I’ll keep going with the cards and turning up each time for contact whilst it hurts to drive away it just makes me more determined to make sure she knows I’m always there no matter what.

How long is your contact supposed to be

 

[DB2021]

How long is your contact supposed to be

When she’s off school I’m supposed to have her 10-7 for a certain amount of days dependant on how long she’s off for.

This is the first holidays since I got my court order.

All the other times I’ve had her when she was happy to come it was 4-6 twice a week because she’s at school.

 

[Resolute]

Yeah I call her princess and another name which I can’t say given no names allowed which I always write in things,

It was definitely a nice feeling to see her smile at me again and I could tell she was conflicted which I think shows a lot,

Drawing and making the cards is such a nice feeling so thank you so much for that idea.

I am waiting for Ash to reply to a message before I send the email before action and I’ll go from there.

But I’ll keep going with the cards and turning up each time for contact whilst it hurts to drive away it just makes me more determined to make sure she knows I’m always there no matter what.

I remember that feeling and I'm glad it felt good for you.

Mum's behaviour is appalling, she should have the child ready to go and tell her what is happening. Is there a possibility of getting mum to bring your daughter out to the car? That would mean a decision to leave the house is already made and mum would have to contribute to making time ordered with you happen.

Are you picking up from school next week?

 

[DB2021]

I remember that feeling and I'm glad it felt good for you.

Mum's behaviour is appalling, she should have the child ready to go and tell her what is happening. Is there a possibility of getting mum to bring your daughter out to the car? That would mean a decision to leave the house is already made and mum would have to contribute to making time ordered with you happen.

Are you picking up from school next week?

She never does only time she’s ready is when she’s at school due to her already being dressed.

I highly doubt it because she has another 2 year old and a new born she wouldn’t use that as a reason not to bring her out.

My ex offers no encouragement whatsoever and never has most times on as she opens the door it’s she doesn’t want to come.

No sadly I asked for that and was refused by ex as supposedly my daughter only likes to be picked up by her which I know is a lie as her sister and grandad etc have picked her up before.

Social worker agreed with ex and said not for now and because it’s not in court order I can’t argue it. But that’s exactly why I asked for it as getting her from school would have taken away the chance for ex to ruin things before I get there.

 

[Ash]

Well one positive about enforcing now is you can ask for the order to be amended so pick ups are from school to avoid this situation occurring and for it to be a "seamless" transition for the child between parents.

Did you make a diary note about what your ex said to the child and what happened? These can be very useful. But keep them to the facts and avoid going into any kind of emotional outpouring or analysis in the diary note. Write them with it in mind that someone else may read them.

Your ex is intimidating her. Shouting at her. Using emotional manipulation - it's cold outside and warm here and showing she will be angry if child chooses to go. Your ex sounds a bit off the rails as she must realise that it's her responsibility to ensure the order is followed. Sometimes people don't realise this, which is why the letter before action is important - to give them the opportunity to follow the order once they've been advised it is their obligation to comply. She can't put that responsibility on a five year old.

Resolute's advice was gold - you've made a personal connection and broken through the impasse.

 

[DB2021]

Well one positive about enforcing now is you can ask for the order to be amended so pick ups are from school to avoid this situation occurring and for it to be a "seamless" transition for the child between parents.

Did you make a diary note about what your ex said to the child and what happened? These can be very useful. But keep them to the facts and avoid going into any kind of emotional outpouring or analysis in the diary note. Write them with it in mind that someone else may read them.

Your ex is intimidating her. Shouting at her. Using emotional manipulation - it's cold outside and warm here and showing she will be angry if child chooses to go. Your ex sounds a bit off the rails as she must realise that it's her responsibility to ensure the order is followed. Sometimes people don't realise this, which is why the letter before action is important - to give them the opportunity to follow the order once they've been advised it is their obligation to comply. She can't put that responsibility on a five year old.

Resolute's advice was gold - you've made a personal connection and broken through the impasse.

Sadly I don’t think she does think it’s her responsibility, she’s very much of the view it’s our daughters decision that’s how she behaves hence the no encouragement or promotion but sadly I don’t know what is being said or done before I arrive.

I will ask the court to amend the order about school pick ups as it’s not something that came as a shock to her as I said that’s what I was wanting after the first 3 months, but the social worker believes if I turn up and our daughter doesn’t want to come that could cause issues and that’s why she back my ex up.

I wrote something in notes on my phone every time she has refused to come just a short statement that she hasn’t come again and if anything has been said by mum.

 

[mva]

How long is your contact supposed to be

When she’s off school I’m supposed to have her 10-7 for a certain amount of days dependant on how long she’s off for.

This is the first holidays since I got my court order.



All the other times I’ve had her when she was happy to come it was 4-6 twice a week because she’s at school.

You doing so well not to react to mum at the doorstep . It’s clear parental alienation. Could you try saying to daughter that you have lined up an activity - swimming / bowling / trampoline park etc . Get her so excited about it that she just doesn’t say no.

 

[DB2021]

You doing so well not to react to mum at the doorstep . It’s clear parental alienation. Could you try saying to daughter that you have lined up an activity - swimming / bowling / trampoline park etc . Get her so excited about it that she just doesn’t say no.

I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction in reacting always been very calm throughout everything it’s what my daughter needs it’s just a shame I’m the only one who knows that.

I’ve tried that it doesn’t work I get literally about 2 minutes at the door before she’s saying to her say bye so I don’t even have chance to get her excited, but sadly at the minute our daughter isn’t happy to see me so it’s very difficult.

 

[Peanut 21]

Sadly I don’t think she does think it’s her responsibility, she’s very much of the view it’s our daughters decision that’s how she behaves hence the no encouragement or promotion but sadly I don’t know what is being said or done before I arrive.

I will ask the court to amend the order about school pick ups as it’s not something that came as a shock to her as I said that’s what I was wanting after the first 3 months, but the social worker believes if I turn up and our daughter doesn’t want to come that could cause issues and that’s why she back my ex up.

I wrote something in notes on my phone every time she has refused to come just a short statement that she hasn’t come again and if anything has been said by mum.

Get it nipped in the bud pronto.
My partners ex has been saying since his daughter was 8 (when mother went off rails big time) that she’s old enough to make her own decisions. An 8 year old isn't old enough, let alone a 5 year old.
If everyone let their child/ren make decisions they'd have chocolate for every meal, never brush their teeth and go to school whenever they felt like it.
A decent parent doesn't let kids dictate. We all know it's the kid doing as the alienating parent tells them.

Maybe something else you could draw in the cards is a memory your daughter will love. Her favourite animal in the zoo or park. Something to trigger her memory of good times with dad but in picture form. My partner draws with his son in the contact centre and reminds him of stuff they've done together. It's important to reinforce good memories that the mother is trying to irradicate.

 

[DB2021]

Get it nipped in the bud pronto.
My partners ex has been saying since his daughter was 8 (when mother went off rails big time) that she’s old enough to make her own decisions. An 8 year old isn't old enough, let alone a 5 year old.
If everyone let their child/ren make decisions they'd have chocolate for every meal, never brush their teeth and go to school whenever they felt like it.
A decent parent doesn't let kids dictate. We all know it's the kid doing as the alienating parent tells them.

Maybe something else you could draw in the cards is a memory your daughter will love. Her favourite animal in the zoo or park. Something to trigger her memory of good times with dad but in picture form. My partner draws with his son in the contact centre and reminds him of stuff they've done together. It's important to reinforce good memories that the mother is trying to irradicate.

I’m going to will be going back to court very shortly I think but I’ll go back as many times as I have to.

She’s not a decent parent pretends she is but I can see right through her just sadly at the moment the so called professionals can’t but I’ll keep going at them until they do something.

Yeah I have she loves unicorns so my next card I’ve drawn a unicorn on front also she loves lol dolls so I can’t draw them but I cut some out a catalogue and taped them to the Jiffy bag, such an amazing idea from resolute and giving her it today I definitely saw my little girl again in her face and that’s a start

 

[DB2021]

Get it nipped in the bud pronto.
My partners ex has been saying since his daughter was 8 (when mother went off rails big time) that she’s old enough to make her own decisions. An 8 year old isn't old enough, let alone a 5 year old.
If everyone let their child/ren make decisions they'd have chocolate for every meal, never brush their teeth and go to school whenever they felt like it.
A decent parent doesn't let kids dictate. We all know it's the kid doing as the alienating parent tells them.

Maybe something else you could draw in the cards is a memory your daughter will love. Her favourite animal in the zoo or park. Something to trigger her memory of good times with dad but in picture form. My partner draws with his son in the contact centre and reminds him of stuff they've done together. It's important to reinforce good memories that the mother is trying to irradicate.

I meant to ask at end of my reply why does your partner have to see his son in a contact centre? If you don’t mind me asking that is

 

[Ash]

If you look at Peanut's thread, it's a long story.

 

[Peanut 21]

I meant to ask at end of my reply why does your partner have to see his son in a contact centre? If you don’t mind me asking that is

Ha, as Ash says, a looooooong story. His situation has gone massively backwards as his ex is an alienating narcissist. It's very insidious because the 'enemy' is the childrens mother and grandmother. It's incredibly difficult to fight against.

 

[DB2021]

Ha, as Ash says, a looooooong story. His situation has gone massively backwards as his ex is an alienating narcissist. It's very insidious because the 'enemy' is the childrens mother and grandmother. It's incredibly difficult to fight against.

Morning Peanut,

Yes I had a look last night .

It’s just shocking what women like that are allowed to get away with while the so called professionals do absolutely nothing .

They are allowed to say whatever they like and it’s taken as fact or of it isn’t we still have to jump through a million hoops just to be the fathers we know we are.

The professionals in my case just have excuses for my ex like it’s normal for my daughter to treat me this way even after they’ve seen just how amazing my bond with her is.

But while I breath I won’t ever stop fighting and I’ll go up against any one, your partner has huge strength dealing with it all.

 

[Peanut 21]

Morning Peanut,

Yes I had a look last night .

It’s just shocking what women like that are allowed to get away with while the so called professionals do absolutely nothing .

They are allowed to say whatever they like and it’s taken as fact or of it isn’t we still have to jump through a million hoops just to be the fathers we know we are.

The professionals in my case just have excuses for my ex like it’s normal for my daughter to treat me this way even after they’ve seen just how amazing my bond with her is.

But while I breath I won’t ever stop fighting and I’ll go up against any one, your partner has huge strength dealing with it all.

Believe me, he's had many dark days where he's considered walking away. But after a day or two of wallowing (I think this is important) he builds up the strength to keep going.

Dads can't say anything bad about the mother or suggest they have mental problems. But the mothers say whatever the hell they like. My partners ex is convinced he has anger management issues and won't drop saying he needs therapy. If he suggested she needs therapy he'd get frowned upon.

Something that is really important throughout this crappy journey is to maintain hobbies and interests to occupy your mind. It may sound frivolous but me and my family bought my partner a season ticket for his football team. It's his way of just meeting up with his mates and forgetting about the crap going on. If he can't enjoy being with his kids he shouldn't have to suffer more by never enjoying himself.