Advice What can I do???

[DB2021]

Believe me, he's had many dark days where he's considered walking away. But after a day or two of wallowing (I think this is important) he builds up the strength to keep going.

Dads can't say anything bad about the mother or suggest they have mental problems. But the mothers say whatever the hell they like. My partners ex is convinced he has anger management issues and won't drop saying he needs therapy. If he suggested she needs therapy he'd get frowned upon.

Something that is really important throughout this crappy journey is to maintain hobbies and interests to occupy your mind. It may sound frivolous but me and my family bought my partner a season ticket for his football team. It's his way of just meeting up with his mates and forgetting about the crap going on. If he can't enjoy being with his kids he shouldn't have to suffer more by never enjoying himself.

I can’t imagine how hard it’s been for him and I’m not surprised he has considered walking away I have a couple of times, I’ve definitely had days that I wallow but then I realise I’m the only person that can try and save my daughter from all this I may not succeed but for sure I’ll do everything I possibly can.

Yes that’s the hardest part for me even when we have clear proof of what there like we have to stay quiet yet they are allowed to spew rubbish with impunity it’s disgusting.

We know we’re great fathers and that’s what keeps me going.

I do try to keep busy I think over time I’ll get better at keeping myself occupied but tbh im quiet proud of how I’ve handled things so far and that gives me more strength.

 

[Peanut 21]

I can’t imagine how hard it’s been for him and I’m not surprised he has considered walking away I have a couple of times, I’ve definitely had days that I wallow but then I realise I’m the only person that can try and save my daughter from all this I may not succeed but for sure I’ll do everything I possibly can.

Yes that’s the hardest part for me even when we have clear proof of what there like we have to stay quiet yet they are allowed to spew rubbish with impunity it’s disgusting.

We know we’re great fathers and that’s what keeps me going.

I do try to keep busy I think over time I’ll get better at keeping myself occupied but tbh im quiet proud of how I’ve handled things so far and that gives me more strength.

Well done for holding it together. Don't let the bitter ex get you down

 

[DB2021]

Hi guys,

So an update.

Social worker called me today to see how things have been going so I explained my concerns etc and she literally wasn’t interested all she was saying is I have to be mindful of what my daughter and her Mam are going through with losing her Mam/grandmar and the birth of the new baby.

She offered mediation which I said fine but then went and called my ex as soon as she got off the phone and told my ex everything I’d said so I got a call from the ex who was saying why you threatening to take me back to court what’s a court going to do etc etc. and that I should just give our daughter time no matter how long that may be month/3months a year.

Also said that losing her grandmar was like losing a parent and she probably just wants to be where she feels safe which isn’t with me also I’m the only person her behaviour has changed towards.

She says when our daughter sees my car pull up she runs off upstairs and says no no I don’t want to go and by her going upstairs to get her that’s her promoting my relationship.

I did ask her what she says to her before I arrive and she said “your dads coming” didn’t say anything else.

Social worker also said what’s a judge going to do to enforce the order so to me it seams like social worker is fully aligned with ex and that my concerns are nothing, told me to get back in touch with my counsellor as she believes I’ve taken a step back and it’s for him and me to unpick why I have these concerns so in essence there all in my head.

 

[Peanut 21]

So the grandmother has died so the kid can't see her dad. Absolute BS.

Social workers suck big time.
Disrupting your daughters relationship with you will cause so many problems further down the line.

It's a red flag when the parent causing problems says to give the child time. It's to create more of a divide.

Go back to court and enforce, regardless to what the social worker says.

 

[Peanut 21]

Parental Alienation

www.parentalalienationuk.org

You may have looked into this already but check out the link.
You may recognise some of the signs.
The whole booklets aren't included as you have to pay for them.
Check out the website.

 

[Resolute]

You have a strong clear argument at the moment, and not too much time has passed. The longer it goes without assistance from the court, the bigger a mountain you will have to climb.

If the letter before action is done, get going on the application to enforce and vary the order. Now mum has court in her head, she will be manoeuvring to get a case against you in order. Continue with helpful suggestions to make the time with you work, in a very constructive and conciliatory tone.

Also, keep on showing love and concern to your child as circumstances allow.

Your ex is plainly in breach of the order and I cannot see grounds to claim this results from an emergency.

 

[Ash]

Yes the social worker is biased and has done you no favours. You need to be very very careful discussing anything with your ex right now - protect yourself in the run up to court. I think you need to send that enforcement application off otherwise your ex might start messing about and sending your daughter but priming her to behave in a rejecting manner when she's with you.

If they try that argument about grandma dying and the new baby then knock that on the head with - time with her Father will be a comfort to her. This is all about your ex's anxieties really. Yes she probably is struggling a bit if her Mother has died and she's just had a baby and is stressing about the order moving to unsupervised time now - feeling like she's losing control of everything. The social worker is talking about your ex's feelings - not a 5 year old child's feelings, and that is what is fundamentally wrong with Social worker views sometimes - protecting the Mother rather than the child. I am sure there are some good ones though.

 

[DB2021]

Parental Alienation

www.parentalalienationuk.org

You may have looked into this already but check out the link.
You may recognise some of the signs.
The whole booklets aren't included as you have to pay for them.
Check out the website.

Thanx Peanut for that link it’s very informative and you were right there’s quiet a lot of traits in it that my daughter is showing especially the protest barriers

 

[DB2021]

Yes the social worker is biased and has done you no favours. You need to be very very careful discussing anything with your ex right now - protect yourself in the run up to court. I think you need to send that enforcement application off otherwise your ex might start messing about and sending your daughter but priming her to behave in a rejecting manner when she's with you.

If they try that argument about grandma dying and the new baby then knock that on the head with - time with her Father will be a comfort to her. This is all about your ex's anxieties really. Yes she probably is struggling a bit if her Mother has died and she's just had a baby and is stressing about the order moving to unsupervised time now - feeling like she's losing control of everything. The social worker is talking about your ex's feelings - not a 5 year old child's feelings, and that is what is fundamentally wrong with Social worker views sometimes - protecting the Mother rather than the child. I am sure there are some good ones though.

I’m not going to discuss anything with either of them now it was clear from social worker phone call that it was all in my head and because ex has said she’s promoting etc then she must be. The social worker had been very good up till recently but since she’s supposed to close case in a few weeks clearly not interested in doing her job at all.

Yes I will I know my ex will fire back that my daughter just wants to be where she feels safe as her Mam was more of a parent to her than I was etc etc.

Social worker did say she’s only there to look out for how my daughter feels supposedly but point blank had no interest in any of my concerns yet guaranteed if my ex accuses me of something it would be a completely different story, only plus is she is going into my daughters school next week to speak to my daughter away from us both to try and find out what’s going on so I’m hoping she will open up to her but now after today even if she does prove my ex is saying things I doubt she will do anything.

I even said to her I understand I could be wrong but your not even considering that you could be and again just ignored.

 

[Ash]

Good the social worker is going to talk to your daughter in school - but your ex will know that and may prime your daughter. Which is what happened with me. However xxxx the sw is - try to keep her onside.

 

[DB2021]

Good the social worker is going to talk to your daughter in school - but your ex will know that and may prime your daughter. Which is what happened with me. However xxxx the sw is - try to keep her onside.

Luckily for me my daughter seams to like the social worker and does speak to her, she did at start of all this away from her Mam she speaks her true feelings.

Social worker even said in section 7 that my daughter was reluctant to speak her true feelings about me in front of her Mam which to me speaks volumes. We don’t have to like each other but there’s no way a 5 year old should feel like she can’t speak about the other parent in front of either us.

I just hope that something comes out of her visiting her at the very least to give me some sort of idea of what’s exactly going on for my little girl.

 

[KF31]

only plus is she is going into my daughters school next week to speak to my daughter away from us both to try and find out what’s going on so I’m hoping she will open up to her but now after today even if she does prove my ex is saying things I doubt she will do anything.

Not meaning to put a downer on things but I would be prepared for the Social worker to still be biased towards mum even if your daughter says positive things about spending time with you. When my ex recently went for 50/50 cafcass spoke to his daughter ahead of the final hearing and asked her how she’d feel about spending a share of time with her dad, my partner was outside of the room and heard her reply, saying that she’d be happy to spend more time with him.
When they had the final hearing Cafcass was in court and told the judge that his daughter wasn’t keen on increased time with her father and in her view she would struggle if residency went to 50/50. They are unbelievably biased towards mothers and it’s unbelievable that they are that way when they state they are there “for the best interests of the child”.

 

[DB2021]

Not meaning to put a downer on things but I would be prepared for the Social worker to still be biased towards mum even if your daughter says positive things about spending time with you. When my ex recently went for 50/50 cafcass spoke to his daughter ahead of the final hearing and asked her how she’d feel about spending a share of time with her dad, my partner was outside of the room and heard her reply, saying that she’d be happy to spend more time with him.
When they had the final hearing Cafcass was in court and told the judge that his daughter wasn’t keen on increased time with her father and in her view she would struggle if residency went to 50/50. They are unbelievably biased towards mothers and it’s unbelievable that they are that way when they state they are there “for the best interests of the child”.

Hi KF yeah I’m very aware that I shouldn’t trust them and I’ve been very sceptical from the start but I have to admit bar recently the social worker has been very fair and unbiased her section 7 was very good and there was nothing in it that was untrue tbh I was shocked at how good it was given my experiences previously.

I was lucky as Cafcass gave the case to local authority due to an issue with my ex’s new partner as you would have been 100% correct if to why had stayed involved she was shocking, even at my appointment for her to see me with my daughter she had ex in room with us wasn’t even done at my home either and she told ex that she was going to recommend next to nothing for me so I’m quiet thankful that the social worker took over as I wouldn’t be where I am today all be it now back in a bad position.

But given how today went I’m very wary of what she will do or say so I won’t be saying much to her anymore apart from what I have to.

 

[DB2021]

Not meaning to put a downer on things but I would be prepared for the Social worker to still be biased towards mum even if your daughter says positive things about spending time with you. When my ex recently went for 50/50 cafcass spoke to his daughter ahead of the final hearing and asked her how she’d feel about spending a share of time with her dad, my partner was outside of the room and heard her reply, saying that she’d be happy to spend more time with him.
When they had the final hearing Cafcass was in court and told the judge that his daughter wasn’t keen on increased time with her father and in her view she would struggle if residency went to 50/50. They are unbelievably biased towards mothers and it’s unbelievable that they are that way when they state they are there “for the best interests of the child”.

Did he challenge Cafcass at final hearing?

 

[KF31]

Did he challenge Cafcass at final hearing?

Yes he brought a few issues up regarding Cafcass that he wasn’t happy with but unfortunately very little went in his favour and the judge didn’t say anything about his concerns but instead gave the Cafcass woman a glowing report. This is the same Cafcass woman that we found a report on where a judge threw out her evidence in another court hearing, labelling it as woeful!

 

[DB2021]

Yes he brought a few issues up regarding Cafcass that he wasn’t happy with but unfortunately very little went in his favour and the judge didn’t say anything about his concerns but instead gave the Cafcass woman a glowing report. This is the same Cafcass woman that we found a report on where a judge threw out her evidence in another court hearing, labelling it as woeful!

That’s the worst part for fathers is the inconsistency in the courts I think we all know how bad Cafcass are but sadly it’s a lottery on what type of judge you get.

I was very lucky as we had 3 different judges across our case and all 3 were very good but then again the final hearing we had already come to an agreement and section 7 was very good so I know I’m one of the lucky ones.

Has your ex carried on fighting?

 

[KF31]

That’s the worst part for fathers is the inconsistency in the courts I think we all know how bad Cafcass are but sadly it’s a lottery on what type of judge you get.

I was very lucky as we had 3 different judges across our case and all 3 were very good but then again the final hearing we had already come to an agreement and section 7 was very good so I know I’m one of the lucky ones.

Has your ex carried on fighting?

Yes the courts can be very unfair. My ex had the same judge all way through and she always seemed to be understanding of his case and saying things like he had very good points in his position statements, but at the last hearing it seemed she was saying more towards cafcass.

His case was for enforcement which led to a C2 application for 50/50. Judge ended up ruling that the court order was to stay the same and only thing to change was that handover was now done at school. The judge ruled that his ex had been trying to get his daughter to believe he had previously kidnapped her on two occasions when he hadn’t but in the same breath stated the ex hadn’t alienated? As for enforcement he had a fact find and the judge found most of the breaches he put forward to be proven but again there was no penalty for the mother.

 

[DB2021]

Yes the courts can be very unfair. My ex had the same judge all way through and she always seemed to be understanding of his case and saying things like he had very good points in his position statements, but at the last hearing it seemed she was saying more towards cafcass.

His case was for enforcement which led to a C2 application for 50/50. Judge ended up ruling that the court order was to stay the same and only thing to change was that handover was now done at school. The judge ruled that his ex had been trying to get his daughter to believe he had previously kidnapped her on two occasions when he hadn’t but in the same breath stated the ex hadn’t alienated? As for enforcement he had a fact find and the judge found most of the breaches he put forward to be proven but again there was no penalty for the mother.

And that’s the problem how a judge can find that the mother has said untrue statements to his daughter yet it’s not alienation it’s beggars belief, it’s the very definition of that because she’s trying to distort his daughters view of him. This country is a joke tbh how in 2023 were still having to go through a completely biased family courts system is just mind boggling.

I hope he still gets to see his daughter and that his case is one of success rather than the usual father being cut out there kids lives with non of the so called professionals giving a damn.

 

[KF31]

And that’s the problem how a judge can find that the mother has said untrue statements to his daughter yet it’s not alienation it’s beggars belief, it’s the very definition of that because she’s trying to distort his daughters view of him. This country is a joke tbh how in 2023 were still having to go through a completely biased family courts system is just mind boggling.

I hope he still gets to see his daughter and that his case is one of success rather than the usual father being cut out there kids lives with non of the so called professionals giving a damn.

I completely agree with you and you’d think something would have changed in this day and age to make it so mothers can’t use their children as weapons.

He’s getting regular contact with her at the moment. He went 8 months with not seeing her properly but once they had the first hearing she started going to his again for his weekends and touch wood he’s not missed any contact with her up to now. Obviously the court case is over now so we’ll see how long it lasts before his ex starts playing up again

 

[DB2021]

I completely agree with you and you’d think something would have changed in this day and age to make it so mothers can’t use their children as weapons.

He’s getting regular contact with her at the moment. He went 8 months with not seeing her properly but once they had the first hearing she started going to his again for his weekends and touch wood he’s not missed any contact with her up to now. Obviously the court case is over now so we’ll see how long it lasts before his ex starts playing up again

Sadly it doesn’t even look like anything will change not any time soon anyway.

The professionals who claim to be doing what’s best for children are a disgrace in this country and I hope one day are held fully accountable for the damage and misery they cause.

Thats great news I can’t imagine how he felt going that long without proper contact the first time my ex stopped contact I went 3 months without any at all and I’m now 5 weeks into seeing her at doorstep but zero time spent with her.

What’s the most hurtful is how she treats me now knowing that she doesn’t realise and what she must going through in her own mind breaks my heart. Who does that to a child it’s child abuse in plain sight and it’s allowed time and time again.