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Advice What can I do???
- Thread starter DB2021
- Start date
I actually think this is an opportunity, you've seen that little ray of sunshine from her right, so look at it this way...I’m the same winger I love all that just not sure my little one will want to play with me but I’ll still try as I always do.
Had Theraplay again tonight.
And again it wasn’t great she hit me on more than one occasion and was so happy in doing soand again refused to engage.
There was a tiny moment on one of the little games where she did do it with me but even then she can’t even bare to look at me anymore.
- At Theraplay you are in complete play mode.
- You've said you're an involved dad and love to muck in.
- Make the hits she does a game, cops & robbers, boxing match etc
- When she hits you, over dramatise it into an action scene and laugh and smile as you do it
It feels like if through everything so far she can do normal for a minute then you may be able to break though by showing her the constant fun.
You may find that this PA they've been doing actually turns into a fun game of the back of which you may be able to start undoing the nonsense.
Forgive me, I know this is easy to say when you're not there facing the painful experience and you may already have tried it.
I've seen your resilience as you've shared you own love and support across the forum
I had tried that Magic but it didn’t change anything and then I’ve been told by the professionals that I should be stamping out the hitting etc. they are using it as a way to show my parenting is the problem.I actually think this is an opportunity, you've seen that little ray of sunshine from her right, so look at it this way...
- At Theraplay you are in complete play mode.
- You've said you're an involved dad and love to muck in.
- Make the hits she does a game, cops & robbers, boxing match etc
- When she hits you, over dramatise it into an action scene and laugh and smile as you do it
It feels like if through everything so far she can do normal for a minute then you may be able to break though by showing her the constant fun.
You may find that this PA they've been doing actually turns into a fun game of the back of which you may be able to start undoing the nonsense.
Forgive me, I know this is easy to say when you're not there facing the painful experience and you may already have tried it.
I've seen your resilience as you've shared you own love and support across the forum
It’s like you can’t win yes make it into a game to try and unpick the issues but if I do then I’m allowing this behaviour. I think the root of the problem is the fact they don’t believe my daughter is being manipulated so everything is focused on me and what I do.
I know I have to treat my little girl with love and support even through the hostility because non of this is her fault but by doing so I’m the issue it’s madness and shows just how unfair and biased this system is.
I will try that again next time though and I’m not going to change my tact as no matter there views I know my little girl doesn’t really feel this way and it’s all down to an extremely spiteful and horrible women.
I just need court now and hopefully something to go my way so I can start to be heard and for my little girl to get the support she needs so that she has her dad in her life that she deserves.
Yea I understand where you're coming from DB, you're trying to be light hearted with the hitting but then the 'professionals' are seeing that as you aren't trying to stamp that behaviour out. The problem is you and your daughter are in a place where she doesn't need you to be telling her off or saying it's wrong, but to create connection and bond, which is still there underneath the act she is playing. Which this all is, it's an act she is playing out based on what the mum is saying to her, it isn't what she believes or really wants to do, her little mind won't understand what she is doing.
I don't suppose you're allowed to show her videos of you and her together, before any of this, it could jog her mind and perhaps help?
Keep at it, what you are doing is right. However hard it gets just stay calm, don't get angry or upset, which must be incredibly hard to do in that situation. But keep in mind they are not judging you, not in a bad way, they may be looking at your parenting but if you are being light hearted and trying your best to form a bond and relate to your daughter, that is everything. They will be seeing your daughter and wondering why she is being like she is. Unless you're the one shouting, angry, or negative, they won't be seeing you as the problem. Try to keep your mind calm, don't overthink or catastraphise. Things will absolutely get better and better. Maybe not right now, but soon. They have to. The court won't let your daughter go on like this, it's completely wrong, they know this.
Sorry you are going through this man, you're strength is remarkable, it will pay off
She might come over then and want to join in and say - hey that's MY Dad.
Hi Winger.
After reading what you’ve wrote I think I am failing at this theraplay.
When she hit me I was stern because it’s what the professionals have made out I need to be like to stamp it out but I feel like now I’ve played right into there hands as am I being seen as being negative speaking with them yesterday I feel I probably have come across that way when really all I was saying is I just don’t know what to do I’ve tried everything and nothing works being happy smiling trying to pass it off stern I’ve tried it all and little one will clearly say I don’t care and laugh at me whilst doing these things.
What you’ve wrote has really hit home and maybe I am the problem maybe I don’t know how to manage my daughter and now sw has been given feedback which has just strengthened her resolve to blame me because she has seen the sessions and I obviously don’t come across the right way.
I try so hard to engage with her when we’re there but nothing I say or do has any impact at all and I no longer even know how to relate to her because the happy little girl who loved her daddy in her mind has disappeared and I’m something that just isn’t worth anything anymore.
I’ve tried so hard to do the right things and looking back I’ve failed quiet catastrophically because I can see I’m just doing all the wrong things and clearly they will easily be able to use this against me.
She won’t even be anywhere near me and if I try to move closer she moves further way or tells me to get away from her and this is every time irrespective of what I say or do so I don’t always try because I felt giving her space was the better option rather than trying to force things but clearly that’s wrong aswell.
I’ve never felt so defeated and deflated and I’ve been in some low places throughout all this
Any chance you could spark up some friendships with the other dads at theraplay and maybe get them on your side? As @Ash says, try playing with the other children, and even see if one of the other dads could encourage their kid to invite your daughter to come over and join you playing? Have you considered having a private session with a child psychologist to get some strategies you haven't tried yet? Just throwing some ideas around DB, all easier said than done, and you must be going through hell at the mo. Hang tough dude.
Sadly there is no other fathers on the course, it’s only been mothers and there kids and none are in the situation I’m in with my little girl. The other parents have good relationships with there kids the kids are just a bit excitable nothing more.
I also can’t play with the other kids as the things that we do are all parent and there child orientated. We all sit on our own mat with our kids and do little games there is no option to try and include the other children and from what I’ve seen so far that wouldn’t be acceptable.
I would love that option but ex and sw point blank won’t agree to it or even entertain the idea which means that’s also not an option I have despite me wanting this and willing to pay for it myself.
SW and ex have made it clear they do not want any other professional involved with our daughter and have denied and ignored any requests for these things which leaves my hands tied.
It is hell I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy but sadly I think I’ve just failed so much in what I’ve been trying to do but my heart has always been in the right place.
I always wonder if I’m over thinking it all but to me the above is clear evidence that there building a case against me and doing everything they can to paint a picture in court to suit there own narrative.
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You have not failed, not by far mate. You have done everything right, and you still are. My message previously was in no wrong saying you weren't
I hope you didn't think that.You are following the guidance you've been given, and you are trying to create a bond as well.
And in all this you are in one of the worst scenarios, trying your best to fix it. We all see that, and so will the people at theraplay as well as court, because you are showing up each time for your daughter, even when she is pushing away. And remember she is only doing that because she's acting out what mum is saying. She doesn't truly understand her actions or what she is saying.
I don't know you apart from DB on here, but you are incredibly strong brother, you're going through the worst right now, keep going no matter what, it will get better, it will happen, keep going.
Are you or have you had counselling? It really helped me early on, understand what was going on, my thoughts or why the ex was doing it, they'll also help you understand what your daughter is going through, and maybe ways you can help her along.
Hi Winger.You have not failed, not by far mate. You have done everything right, and you still are. My message previously was in no wrong saying you weren't
You are following the guidance you've been given, and you are trying to create a bond as well.
And in all this you are in one of the worst scenarios, trying your best to fix it. We all see that, and so will the people at theraplay as well as court, because you are showing up each time for your daughter, even when she is pushing away. And remember she is only doing that because she's acting out what mum is saying. She doesn't truly understand her actions or what she is saying.
I don't know you apart from DB on here, but you are incredibly strong brother, you're going through the worst right now, keep going no matter what, it will get better, it will happen, keep going.
Are you or have you had counselling? It really helped me early on, understand what was going on, my thoughts or why the ex was doing it, they'll also help you understand what your daughter is going through, and maybe ways you can help her along.
No not at all and I value yours and everyone else’s views so much. I know what you were saying and it was from a good place as all your advice has been so please don’t think I thought you were saying anything bad because I certainly wasn’t
.It was more I realised that there is some ways I can do things better and that I probably have messed up a little bit but I’m okay with that I’m human and the stuff I’m dealing with is extremely difficult to navigate and handle I won’t lie about that it’s hammering me mentally every day but one thing I am proud of is that I haven’t folded and I know I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. I just have extremely low moments that take some time to come out of.
I’m sure you all know me by now that despite my moments I will always continue fighting and no matter the outcome my little girl will know her daddy fought for her tooth and nail.
I have had counselling before but not since the first court case so yeah I think maybe that would be a good idea for me to look into some again. More so to understand like you say what my daughter is going through.
DB - the social worker is wrong. It's a known argument, that you only have to be a "good enough" parent - not a perfect parent. No parent is perfect. And your child's behaviour is not normal. We know that, you know that, and we know why she's behaving like that. I really hope you get a Guardian appointed at the next hearing. I think even Cafcass would do a lot better than this social worker.
I agree I can’t see anyone else doing any worse than this SW.
Her arrogance and blatant disdain for me and my views is palpable.
Claiming that ex is doing all she can because she brings little one to see me despite the fact ex has been told she has to do so. Funny how only a month or so ago sw was telling ex if little one didn’t want to come to make sure she said it loud and clear.
The sheer openness of bias is mind blowing but I know I’m not the only one who has had and is having to deal with this rubbish.
Do you have evidence of this, in writing or something? That's just so wrong.
Has the SW ever actually encouraged your daughter?
Well yes I do have evidence of it but how I got it is not the best way should I say so I have to be careful.
Some of The emails I’ve seen between them are shocking and the language used is so blatant Ash has seen them and has given advice on it.
Hi all.
So just to update.
Had the feedback call from what work was done with xxx at school the other day sw sent me an email which isn’t good reading.
Social worker has said she won’t be recommending ISW or guardian and she tried to get me to tell her what my views were and whether I accepted what she was saying. I just merely said I wouldn’t agree to anything straight away and I needed time to think.
Ex then decided to pipe up and said that she doesn’t understand at all why I won’t tell them and that she doesn’t think I’ve got xxxx's best interests at heart “I’m only thinking of myself” her words.
SW then pretty much threatened that if she thinks I’m not listening to xxxx and not taking her best interests seriously that she would look to move us up from a Child in Need case to a Child Protection one.
They have also cancelled the Sunday time I was having with xxxx so I’ll only now see her at Theraplay.
They obviously both hate the idea of another professional being involved and have both said that I should be listening to there advice and they think that I’m not. They think that having a guardian appointed is detrimental to billies well being and if I go for that then sw is going to do the above I think.
There saying without exactly saying it that I should just accept what’s happening follow there advice and if xxxxx decides at some point in time she wants to spend time with me again then great but that’s it.
So just to update.
Had the feedback call from what work was done with xxx at school the other day sw sent me an email which isn’t good reading.
Social worker has said she won’t be recommending ISW or guardian and she tried to get me to tell her what my views were and whether I accepted what she was saying. I just merely said I wouldn’t agree to anything straight away and I needed time to think.
Ex then decided to pipe up and said that she doesn’t understand at all why I won’t tell them and that she doesn’t think I’ve got xxxx's best interests at heart “I’m only thinking of myself” her words.
SW then pretty much threatened that if she thinks I’m not listening to xxxx and not taking her best interests seriously that she would look to move us up from a Child in Need case to a Child Protection one.
They have also cancelled the Sunday time I was having with xxxx so I’ll only now see her at Theraplay.
They obviously both hate the idea of another professional being involved and have both said that I should be listening to there advice and they think that I’m not. They think that having a guardian appointed is detrimental to billies well being and if I go for that then sw is going to do the above I think.
There saying without exactly saying it that I should just accept what’s happening follow there advice and if xxxxx decides at some point in time she wants to spend time with me again then great but that’s it.
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That’s my other child
. He gets me through the darkest timesHe's gorgeousThat’s my other child
