Did you plead guilty, undertaking or cross undertaking?
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Very vulnerable and feel afraid. False allegations against me.
- Thread starter MountainGoat
- Start date
Did you plead guilty, undertaking or cross undertaking?
Thankyou everyone. My head feels very messed up at the moment.
It is indeed fustrating but I see where you are coming from Ash and that showing I am focussing on the kids is the best approach now.
I'm hoping all the evidence I have built up will be able to be used in the child arrangement proceedings and divorce.
The non molestation and non occupation were put in place when I contested it in November and they are still in place until November 2024.
As my solicitor has told me, kids and house will be sorted by then so I won't have to wait that long to sort things out, and therfore this is why we stopped the contesting.....not by admitting it but by saying we just want it to stop.
Ammendments were made so I can phone my kids and pick them up from school. I will also be submitting my preferences for contact and arangements shortly.....but I hope they will realise this is temporary as obviously I am not in my own house and living a lot further away.
I also do not understand why my stbx cant come and collect the children, this is completly reasonable. And she is just playing this card to continue her act of feeling terrified and vulnerable.
CAFCASS sent a letter that I need to repond to but they sent it to my old address so I only got it yesterday. I've emailed them to update them on where I am currently staying. I dont know how long the letters been there so I only have 2 weeks to respond. I'm guessing I need to crack on with it. This won't be until Sunday.
From what I see I need to just confirm my details and also add a C1A form.
It is indeed fustrating but I see where you are coming from Ash and that showing I am focussing on the kids is the best approach now.
I'm hoping all the evidence I have built up will be able to be used in the child arrangement proceedings and divorce.
The non molestation and non occupation were put in place when I contested it in November and they are still in place until November 2024.
As my solicitor has told me, kids and house will be sorted by then so I won't have to wait that long to sort things out, and therfore this is why we stopped the contesting.....not by admitting it but by saying we just want it to stop.
Ammendments were made so I can phone my kids and pick them up from school. I will also be submitting my preferences for contact and arangements shortly.....but I hope they will realise this is temporary as obviously I am not in my own house and living a lot further away.
I also do not understand why my stbx cant come and collect the children, this is completly reasonable. And she is just playing this card to continue her act of feeling terrified and vulnerable.
CAFCASS sent a letter that I need to repond to but they sent it to my old address so I only got it yesterday. I've emailed them to update them on where I am currently staying. I dont know how long the letters been there so I only have 2 weeks to respond. I'm guessing I need to crack on with it. This won't be until Sunday.
From what I see I need to just confirm my details and also add a C1A form.
Usually you get that initial letter requesting you to confirm details, by Egress email. I'm not sure it's a good idea to submit a C1A - you're in quite a strong position at the moment as you're allowed to see your kids and collect them from school. That means you will get an order.
So do you mean you have to respond to ex's C100 on a C7? There's not much point submitting your own C100 now that the ball is rolling. You can just submit a position statement just before the upcoming Child Arrangements hearing and set out what you would like in an order.
Don't expect them to consider anything at all - you need to spell it out. I would suggest you ask for an order for as much time as you can manage now. I'd ask for 50/50 then you can always negotiate down from that later. It actually doesn't really matter that you're living with parents - what matters is that you have a home for the children. Is there a spare bedroom at your parents you could put bunk beds in? How old are the kids now? Providing they are under 10 that's ok. If any of them are over 10 and different sexes, they need their own rooms.
Be careful - if you have to send a form back to Cafcass, the most important thing is to promote yourself as a good Dad and not criticise the ex. They are not the the police or Judges - they are social workers and all they are interested in is - is the child safe with Dad. Well yes the children are safe with Dad because you're allowed to pick them up from school. So - there are no welfare issues re the kids. That is a strong position so you don't want to undermine that position by criticising the ex.
Give your ex enough leeway and it will become clear. Also bear in mind that no one will believe anything you say - because they don't know who to believe. So there is no point saying anything negative about the ex. Save your evidence until final hearing. But by then it might become irrelevant anyway.
I completely understand how hurt and angry you are at the allegations against you - but do not retaliate! Because what you don't want right now, is further complication with Cafcass saying - the parents are both accusing each other - this is a conflict situation for the children, who have special needs - therefore the children should stay with the mother and have minimal time or indirect contact only - with the Father, That happens time and time again - Cafcass have a lot of power. So try to get a mental shift in preparation for dealing with Cafcass. They are not the police - they are social workers who many think are biased towards Mothers. Bear that in mind. Come on here before your phone interview so we can help you prefer.
The questionnaire sounds unusual so you do need to be careful what you put.
So do you mean you have to respond to ex's C100 on a C7? There's not much point submitting your own C100 now that the ball is rolling. You can just submit a position statement just before the upcoming Child Arrangements hearing and set out what you would like in an order.
Don't expect them to consider anything at all - you need to spell it out. I would suggest you ask for an order for as much time as you can manage now. I'd ask for 50/50 then you can always negotiate down from that later. It actually doesn't really matter that you're living with parents - what matters is that you have a home for the children. Is there a spare bedroom at your parents you could put bunk beds in? How old are the kids now? Providing they are under 10 that's ok. If any of them are over 10 and different sexes, they need their own rooms.
Be careful - if you have to send a form back to Cafcass, the most important thing is to promote yourself as a good Dad and not criticise the ex. They are not the the police or Judges - they are social workers and all they are interested in is - is the child safe with Dad. Well yes the children are safe with Dad because you're allowed to pick them up from school. So - there are no welfare issues re the kids. That is a strong position so you don't want to undermine that position by criticising the ex.
Give your ex enough leeway and it will become clear. Also bear in mind that no one will believe anything you say - because they don't know who to believe. So there is no point saying anything negative about the ex. Save your evidence until final hearing. But by then it might become irrelevant anyway.
I completely understand how hurt and angry you are at the allegations against you - but do not retaliate! Because what you don't want right now, is further complication with Cafcass saying - the parents are both accusing each other - this is a conflict situation for the children, who have special needs - therefore the children should stay with the mother and have minimal time or indirect contact only - with the Father, That happens time and time again - Cafcass have a lot of power. So try to get a mental shift in preparation for dealing with Cafcass. They are not the police - they are social workers who many think are biased towards Mothers. Bear that in mind. Come on here before your phone interview so we can help you prefer.
The questionnaire sounds unusual so you do need to be careful what you put.
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Thankyou Ash for your reply, much appreciated.
The paper work that I've been sent is form C7. It states the date of the hearing, that Cafcass will do checks if necessary, asks to confirm my address details.
The bit I'm confused about is "If you answr yes to both parts of question 6 and / or question 7, you must also fill in a supplemental information form (Form C1A)".
These questions are: Did you receive a completed Supplemental form (C1A) from the applicant? THe answer to that was Yes, I did receive that.
And do you believe the children named above have suffered or are at risk of harm.
Now technically they are fine at the moment,m but I do worry since my stbx has had suicidal thoughts, suffers from mental health issues, and has said inapropritae things to the children such as to lie about how she got her injuries, telling them about court, manipulating them, and not letting them see me when theyve requested to spend time with me.
The children are under 10. The problem is my parents have just down sized and are now living nearly 50 minutes drive away.
I ofcourse want to be there 50/50 but why should she be the one in our house. I only left the house due to her lies of allegations and the fear of more allegations, and now the latest coercive control and stalking which again has put bail conditions on me.....My kids have said many times we wish you were at home daddy playing with us.
I feel so deflated and peed off that the amount of times I've saved this woman from being dead, called endless ambulances due to her seizures, been there when shes been ill.....it's often been me looking after the kids and her! And now she does this to me!
Can I put that I would have them in my house? As why should they be dragged elswhere and also be doing additional trips to school. It would be difficult.
There is no reason why I shouldnt be in my house with them, instead of her!
I will keep my huge evidence for the final hearing.
Sorry to rant, It's just hard to work everything out and make the best decisions.
The paper work that I've been sent is form C7. It states the date of the hearing, that Cafcass will do checks if necessary, asks to confirm my address details.
The bit I'm confused about is "If you answr yes to both parts of question 6 and / or question 7, you must also fill in a supplemental information form (Form C1A)".
These questions are: Did you receive a completed Supplemental form (C1A) from the applicant? THe answer to that was Yes, I did receive that.
And do you believe the children named above have suffered or are at risk of harm.
Now technically they are fine at the moment,m but I do worry since my stbx has had suicidal thoughts, suffers from mental health issues, and has said inapropritae things to the children such as to lie about how she got her injuries, telling them about court, manipulating them, and not letting them see me when theyve requested to spend time with me.
The children are under 10. The problem is my parents have just down sized and are now living nearly 50 minutes drive away.
I ofcourse want to be there 50/50 but why should she be the one in our house. I only left the house due to her lies of allegations and the fear of more allegations, and now the latest coercive control and stalking which again has put bail conditions on me.....My kids have said many times we wish you were at home daddy playing with us.
I feel so deflated and peed off that the amount of times I've saved this woman from being dead, called endless ambulances due to her seizures, been there when shes been ill.....it's often been me looking after the kids and her! And now she does this to me!
Can I put that I would have them in my house? As why should they be dragged elswhere and also be doing additional trips to school. It would be difficult.
There is no reason why I shouldnt be in my house with them, instead of her!
I will keep my huge evidence for the final hearing.
Sorry to rant, It's just hard to work everything out and make the best decisions.
Mountaingoat I know how incredibly awful and unfair it is but no you can't see the kids at your house. Your ex has an occupation order. It's very hard but it's time to accept you're separated, and will probably never be able to go back to that house again, whether it's sold in the future as part of the divorce, or she remains in it until the children are older. Think about that another day
This is a tricky one and I hear you. But as you say "they are fine at the moment" and you spoke to the social worker and they didn't have any concerns, so you need to act on this one, as things are no and tick no you don't believe they are at risk of harm. But I think there is a section for you to put some wording and state your views isn't there? So in that you could put that you have had concerns about the children being solely with the ex due to the ex being passed out before (with whatever medical condition), but you have spoken to the social worker who feels things are ok at present and doesn't have any immediate concerns.
So you can get that information in - without criticising the ex. Unless social services said - yes the children are at risk of harm - you can't really submit a C1A. That's my view, but see what your solicitor says. If a Dad makes allegations (true or not) about risk to a child, Cafcass tend to say - so why didn't you report it to social services then (ie if you didn't then you're making it up). And you would say I did but they have no concerns at the moment. And they would say - so no need to submit a C1A then.
So personally I would explain that in application wording, but not submit a C1A as they will say those were historic incidents. But see what your solicitor says.
Are you starting to feel angry yet? Yes you saved this woman umpteen times and she's doing this to you! You can channel that anger into feeling confident about dealing with these processes and coming out of the other side (but don't actually get angry with anyone!).
50 minutes away is a pain. It means you'd only be able to do every other week-end and half the holidays. For now. So what you could ask for is every other week-end and half the holidays, until you are able to get your own place, and then for it to become 50/50 with two midweek overnights and say that you hope to be moved into your own place within the next 6 months. Now you might not be but say that anyway as it's "hope to be" rather than will be and you're more likely to get the 50/50 as a progression if the current situation is just seen as short term. The court don't need to know about the financial situation.
This is a tricky one and I hear you. But as you say "they are fine at the moment" and you spoke to the social worker and they didn't have any concerns, so you need to act on this one, as things are no and tick no you don't believe they are at risk of harm. But I think there is a section for you to put some wording and state your views isn't there? So in that you could put that you have had concerns about the children being solely with the ex due to the ex being passed out before (with whatever medical condition), but you have spoken to the social worker who feels things are ok at present and doesn't have any immediate concerns.
So you can get that information in - without criticising the ex. Unless social services said - yes the children are at risk of harm - you can't really submit a C1A. That's my view, but see what your solicitor says. If a Dad makes allegations (true or not) about risk to a child, Cafcass tend to say - so why didn't you report it to social services then (ie if you didn't then you're making it up). And you would say I did but they have no concerns at the moment. And they would say - so no need to submit a C1A then.
So personally I would explain that in application wording, but not submit a C1A as they will say those were historic incidents. But see what your solicitor says.
Are you starting to feel angry yet? Yes you saved this woman umpteen times and she's doing this to you! You can channel that anger into feeling confident about dealing with these processes and coming out of the other side (but don't actually get angry with anyone!).
50 minutes away is a pain. It means you'd only be able to do every other week-end and half the holidays. For now. So what you could ask for is every other week-end and half the holidays, until you are able to get your own place, and then for it to become 50/50 with two midweek overnights and say that you hope to be moved into your own place within the next 6 months. Now you might not be but say that anyway as it's "hope to be" rather than will be and you're more likely to get the 50/50 as a progression if the current situation is just seen as short term. The court don't need to know about the financial situation.
And to top this week off, my car has blown up with total engine failure so not even worth mending it.
Absolutely amazing the luck Im having this week.
Absolutely amazing the luck Im having this week.
Surely when Cafcass do their background checks they may come across some of the issues the ex has had?
You've been through the wringer Mountaingoat. As hard as it seems now, it won't be forever.
It feels like you're in a psychological thriller and no-one believes you. But the truth does slowly and surely creeps out.
It's awful you've lost the house. Sadly it's the general case with dad's.
Take each day at a time. Hug your children tight every time have see them. The days are getting longer and lighter.
Things will get better. This too shall pass.
You've been through the wringer Mountaingoat. As hard as it seems now, it won't be forever.
It feels like you're in a psychological thriller and no-one believes you. But the truth does slowly and surely creeps out.
It's awful you've lost the house. Sadly it's the general case with dad's.
Take each day at a time. Hug your children tight every time have see them. The days are getting longer and lighter.
Things will get better. This too shall pass.
Thanks everyone. I decided to go bowling and do crazy golf at the weekend to change my mind off things. It definately helped.
Trying to work out what the hell I've got to send back to the court now. Apparently I have to send a copy to court and one to my stbx.
From what I can see so far it seems to just be the response on the C1A form and the C7 which has my contact details.
Iin the rersponse section to the 5 points made by her, I've just put that it is is compltely false and I deny what is being said.
I believe they will then ask more when they contact me.
I dont think I have to actually put anything else in.
I'm hoping that CafCass will see the evidence I wrote up as the cases have been merged and the documents released into this case.
I'm not giving up on my kids or my house. I'm going to fight until the very end!
As you say, the truth does eventually come out. I just hope people listen.
Trying to work out what the hell I've got to send back to the court now. Apparently I have to send a copy to court and one to my stbx.
From what I can see so far it seems to just be the response on the C1A form and the C7 which has my contact details.
Iin the rersponse section to the 5 points made by her, I've just put that it is is compltely false and I deny what is being said.
I believe they will then ask more when they contact me.
I dont think I have to actually put anything else in.
I'm hoping that CafCass will see the evidence I wrote up as the cases have been merged and the documents released into this case.
I'm not giving up on my kids or my house. I'm going to fight until the very end!
As you say, the truth does eventually come out. I just hope people listen.
Just had an email confirming when the CAFCASS call will be.
What do I need to know or say? Any tips on best way to handle the call?
Thankyou.
What do I need to know or say? Any tips on best way to handle the call?
Thankyou.
Hi all.
I have my CAFCAAS phone call on Tuesday.
Any tips or what I’m meant to talk about?
Thankyou.
I have my CAFCAAS phone call on Tuesday.
Any tips or what I’m meant to talk about?
Thankyou.
They'll lead with questions.
Keep it child focused.
Say you want to try and keep things amicable with the childrens mother and get a good routine in place so the children feel secure and safe.
Say you're just looking for solutions to make things as easy for the children as possible.
Don't say anything negative about the ex. As tempting as it is, they'll put it down as conflict between parents.
Keep it child focused.
Say you want to try and keep things amicable with the childrens mother and get a good routine in place so the children feel secure and safe.
Say you're just looking for solutions to make things as easy for the children as possible.
Don't say anything negative about the ex. As tempting as it is, they'll put it down as conflict between parents.
As Peanut 21 said, keep it child focused.
I had my Cafcass call in January, my ex had raised many allegations against me and I let my guard down just the once making one comment defending myself which Cafcass picked up on. The report stated there was unresolved conflict.
As others on here repeatedly state the mantra is “keep it child focused”.
I had my Cafcass call in January, my ex had raised many allegations against me and I let my guard down just the once making one comment defending myself which Cafcass picked up on. The report stated there was unresolved conflict.
As others on here repeatedly state the mantra is “keep it child focused”.
Thankyou for your help everyone.
A question if you don't mind.... So I had to submit my reply to C1A and C7 to my STBX, CafCaas, and the court. I did this myself.
My solicitor has now phoned me to say this is not allowed and that it had to go through her, that I shouldnt have sent it to my stbx solicitor as I'm represented.
I don't want to keep doing this through the solicitor. It just eats up my money. Does it really have to keep going through the solictor?
Should I switch to doing things myself? Can I?
Same with the divorce financials. Does that need to go through the soicitor?
A question if you don't mind.... So I had to submit my reply to C1A and C7 to my STBX, CafCaas, and the court. I did this myself.
My solicitor has now phoned me to say this is not allowed and that it had to go through her, that I shouldnt have sent it to my stbx solicitor as I'm represented.
I don't want to keep doing this through the solicitor. It just eats up my money. Does it really have to keep going through the solictor?
Should I switch to doing things myself? Can I?
Same with the divorce financials. Does that need to go through the soicitor?
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Absolutely.
There's no obligation to continue with a solicitor. You can deal with correspondence yourself.
Of course the solicitor will say you can't as she's losing easy money.
Absolutely bricking it for the call today. Not feeeing great.
Ok.
DO: Write a few things down. ie think of things you want to talk about - the kids - what they enjoy doing with you, things you've always done together, how you're looking forward to doing them again and "I just want the children to have happy loving time with both parents" (that's the mantra to repeat if you're asked any awkward questions).
Write it all out as things you would like to say - all child focused things. Not mentioning the ex. Read it through a few times so it's clear in your head.
Then on another sheet of paper write down about 7 or 8 bullet points - reminders/memory joggers of the main things you wanted to say - because you can't just read from a piece of paper or it'll be obvious. Writing them down helps you find the right words later and be in the right frame of mind. The bullet points just remind you of the bits you wanted to steer the conversation onto.
DON'T: Keep talking about the ex. Try to avoid mentioning her at all. DON'T go over the whole history of the situation or try to defend allegations or say she is mentally ill etc etc. DON'T say anything remotely negative about the ex. This is a Child Arrangements application and is about you wanting to see your children - it's not about what the ex has done. Repeat DON'T say anything about the ex at all - unless it's positive.
Being put on the spot: They may throw the odd fastball in the middle of the conversation like - Mrs ex says you're a stalker and spy on her with cameras. DON'T react. Take a breath for a moment and pause for a moment and have a prepared response. Eg "It's unfortunate she is saying that as it's not true.
Don't get into long explanations when the allegations are raised. Just say it's untrue.
What you could mention, carefully, are "concerns". You could say - I was concerned about Mrs Ex as she has had spells of collapsing in the past and forgetting what happened to her, due to xyz condition. But the social worker has reassured me that she is fine at the moment and the children are fine.
Then repeat the mantra that you just want the children to have happy loving times with both parents. You could say you didn't really want the marriage to end and you're still upset about it, but are accepting it has happened and just want the children to have stability and regular time wiht both parents now.
You could add that Mrs Ex has agreed for you to see the children regularly until just recently and that it has stopped and started a few times (this information, in itself, undermines her allegations!).
DO: Write a few things down. ie think of things you want to talk about - the kids - what they enjoy doing with you, things you've always done together, how you're looking forward to doing them again and "I just want the children to have happy loving time with both parents" (that's the mantra to repeat if you're asked any awkward questions).
Write it all out as things you would like to say - all child focused things. Not mentioning the ex. Read it through a few times so it's clear in your head.
Then on another sheet of paper write down about 7 or 8 bullet points - reminders/memory joggers of the main things you wanted to say - because you can't just read from a piece of paper or it'll be obvious. Writing them down helps you find the right words later and be in the right frame of mind. The bullet points just remind you of the bits you wanted to steer the conversation onto.
DON'T: Keep talking about the ex. Try to avoid mentioning her at all. DON'T go over the whole history of the situation or try to defend allegations or say she is mentally ill etc etc. DON'T say anything remotely negative about the ex. This is a Child Arrangements application and is about you wanting to see your children - it's not about what the ex has done. Repeat DON'T say anything about the ex at all - unless it's positive.
Being put on the spot: They may throw the odd fastball in the middle of the conversation like - Mrs ex says you're a stalker and spy on her with cameras. DON'T react. Take a breath for a moment and pause for a moment and have a prepared response. Eg "It's unfortunate she is saying that as it's not true.
Don't get into long explanations when the allegations are raised. Just say it's untrue.
What you could mention, carefully, are "concerns". You could say - I was concerned about Mrs Ex as she has had spells of collapsing in the past and forgetting what happened to her, due to xyz condition. But the social worker has reassured me that she is fine at the moment and the children are fine.
Then repeat the mantra that you just want the children to have happy loving times with both parents. You could say you didn't really want the marriage to end and you're still upset about it, but are accepting it has happened and just want the children to have stability and regular time wiht both parents now.
You could add that Mrs Ex has agreed for you to see the children regularly until just recently and that it has stopped and started a few times (this information, in itself, undermines her allegations!).
Thankyou Ash. Here we go! Just need this out the way.