Very vulnerable and feel afraid. False allegations against me.

[Ash]

Glad you're feeling a bit better and hope the counselling is a good support. Well done for getting the family worker to intervene and good you'll get to see your kids again. Be careful what is said in front of them as ex is bound to make further complaints.

 

[Moh]

Hello everyone,
I'm new here and in a place I never thought I would ever be.
I would greatly appreciate any advice. I am married with two children, son who is aged 6 and daughter 8.

We had just come back from a holiday abroad and then it happened...
Just over 3 weeks ago my wife made an allegation of assault against me to the police and I was arrested. This came out of the blue and caused me immense stress and anxiety.

She said she was assaulted. The story she told me the week before was that she was walking, tripped and banged her head on the pavement.
Bizarely her injury seemed to get worse as the week progressed. By Friday she felt dizzy, got admitted to York hospital and then told the paramedics she had been assaulted and thrown against the garage door.
I didnt know anything about this and she later was talking to me as if nothing unusual had happened.

Imagine being happy and enjoying life (Had taken the kids bowling and just returned home) and then the police come and take you away!
Her story didnt add up and I made it clear that I had never assaulted my wife.
It had a huge impact on my job, my family, and living my life. I ended up having to work from my temporary accomodation whilst this was investigated.
I was on bail whilst I waited for investigations to take place and could not go home and had to stay in a AirBnB costing me money.

Fast forward two weeks and the case WAS DROPPED WITH NO FURTHER ACTION which was a huge relief as I had done nothing wrong.
I was able to prove I was nowhere near her at the time too.

The police and her then tried to put in an injunction against me and this went to court.
ONCE AGAIN, THIS WAS DROPPED AND NO FURTHER ACTION TAKEN.

Finally feeling like things were getting better and leaving the court room on a positive note, I saw that I had got a voicemail within minutes of the court hearing ending.

Once again, She had now put a new allegation in against me, saying I harmed my children. I couldn't believe what I was hearing!

AGAIN, within two days of being asked to attend a voluntary interview THE CASE WAS DROPPED AND NO FURTHER ACTION taken against me.


So you should be seeing some sort of pattern here.

The problem I have is that the my wife is trying to stop me coming anywhere near my children or enter my home.
She still thinks I am a threat even though the police have said there is no action to be taken and she is doing anything to make contact harder and stoppping me seeing my children in my own home. I own the home 50/50 and have the right to be there with my kids.

I am now living in fear as to what allegations she could make if I do go home and once the door is closed she could say anything.

I do not know why she is doing all of this. There are much more normal ways if she wants a divorce. This is making things a lot harder for everyone, especially the children. We've had our problems and lifes been tough but nothing to indicate this.
They should be being put first here. She is playing the card that if I come home the children will be upset.....well ofcourse they will becuaue they've hardly seen their dad. She says they have to get used to the new norm and being at home will upset them ---> A norm that she seems to be dictating to them when instead they should see their dad in their own home. That is more familiar to them.

I am wondering what I can do. My wife is either very bright and has been planning this from the beginning to try and take me down in a very twisted way, or there is some massive reason here why she's had to go down this route. A reason I do not understand when the week before we were making plans as normal.

My children are the most important right now and I don't know what I can do.

Thankyou.

I will firstly start by saying I am extremely sorry to hear what your going through , unfortunately though , I do know what your going through as I found myself in familiar circumstances is what brought me to the site to seek advice myself . I have been living a nightmare .

All I can say is , take notes and record everything .Any concerns raise them . Be wary of all and keep documenting . I wish I knew this sooner . Make an application to the court , C100 application for a contact order . It will no doubt be a process but I hope it will take you somewhere .

All the best my friend

 

[winger]

Glad things are moving forward for you mountain well done mate

I bet your so excited to see your kids again! They'll be ecstatic, what's the plan, where are you seeing them do you know that yet?

 

[MountainGoat]

Thanks Winger, I am ofcourse so looking forward to seeing them. They are my world.
Will be seeing them at a relatives house and take them to the park, days out.

I will ofcourse make sure nothing is said that could cause any problems as I'm sure stbx is just waiting for some ammunition.
I will however tell them that I love them and would never have wanted to be away from them.

Until I actually see the children I am not celebrating as my stx has been so erratic with changing plans, stopping me from seeing them, etc, I keep on wondering if there is an ulteriour plan. She will have now received my contesting statement to her non molestation and non occupation order and I'm suprised she isnt going crazy and plotting revenge. She is that evil!

The thing I've noted is ofcourse the fact that she had put a child arrangement order and is now changing her plan to cut me off.
Then she said I would have supervised access. Now she says I don't need supervised access.
It is so inconsistant and the fact she is now going back to letting me see them shows that the kids should have never been put through this hell of not seeing me, being denied wishing them happy birthday, etc.

On another note, is it normal for solicitors to charge you for receiving documents from the other side, my stbx solicitor?
I'm being charged £26 just to have letters going backwards and forwards.

 

[winger]

Thanks Winger, I am ofcourse so looking forward to seeing them. They are my world.
Will be seeing them at a relatives house and take them to the park, days out.

I will ofcourse make sure nothing is said that could cause any problems as I'm sure stbx is just waiting for some ammunition.
I will however tell them that I love them and would never have wanted to be away from them.

Until I actually see the children I am not celebrating as my stx has been so erratic with changing plans, stopping me from seeing them, etc, I keep on wondering if there is an ulteriour plan. She will have now received my contesting statement to her non molestation and non occupation order and I'm suprised she isnt going crazy and plotting revenge. She is that evil!

The thing I've noted is ofcourse the fact that she had put a child arrangement order and is now changing her plan to cut me off.
Then she said I would have supervised access. Now she says I don't need supervised access.
It is so inconsistant and the fact she is now going back to letting me see them shows that the kids should have never been put through this hell of not seeing me, being denied wishing them happy birthday, etc.

On another note, is it normal for solicitors to charge you for receiving documents from the other side, my stbx solicitor?
I'm being charged £26 just to have letters going backwards and forwards.

My solicitors hourly rate I think is around £200/250, so it would take her a few minutes to forward letters, which would probably be around £20/30 so yes probably they're charging you the 5 or 10 minutes it takes to forward you stuff. It's absurd and very unfair, but not much you can do. Apart from not having a solicitor and doing it all yourself, but if you can afford one just let them do it. One less thing to think about for you mate.

Absolutely, your kids need to know you adore them and never wanted this to happen. Just don't point blame. They'll see it for themselves anyway in time.

 

[MountainGoat]

Received the bill for this month and think I need a second job!
Can't even get into my own home to see if I could find anything to sell.

One more question if you don't mind...

The children's family support worker became involved when the first allegations started and when my stbx did a suicide attempt. Her views were obviously very much based on the father having committed domestic abuse, etc.
She says she is balanced between us both and her sole proiority is the welfare of the children but I feel she really needs to know more about everything.

Should I forward her my court statement so she knows the facts from my side? To give her a bit of background?
Any risk in this?


Thankyou.

 

[MountainGoat]

Absolutely fuming!

Just wasted a whole morning. Done a 45 mile round trip to go and fetch my kids to find no one at home and she’s not answering her phone.

This is playing with my emotions.

I was meant to be seeing them today and even the social worker phoned to confirm it.
Stbx sent a letter from her solicitor late at 4:30pm asking me to confirm where I was living and where the kids would be staying.
No doubt it was sent deliberately late so I’d have no time. Yet it was all confirmed with the social worker.

I’m so pissed off. This is so wrong.

 

[Ash]

I am sorry to hear that. Could you reply to the letter saying you had arrived to collect the children as arranged and as confirmed by the social worker, but no one was home and could they please rearrange this for tomorrow. You might need to say where you're staying but point out that you are responsible for their wellbeing wherever they are and there are no issues.

It sounds to me like ex is looking for a welfare excuse to say the kids can't see you, because if they do see you, that undermines her case - she can't argue they're not safe with you if she lets them spend time with you. So I think you need to be careful how you reply. Where are you staying?

 

[MountainGoat]

Thankyou Ash.
I’m currently staying 45 minutes away at my parents house.
I wish I was in my own home but due to these allegations she’s walking all over me and I’m forced to live elsewhere at the moment.

 

[Ash]

Ok so you could email saying - I arrived to collect the children, as agreed and as arranged with the social worker, at xtime on x day, but no one was at home. I then received a message at 4.30pm asking me where the children would be going and staying. I am living at my parents home and the children would be staying with me here and I would be taking them out to the park etc. I request that the collection is rearranged for tomorrow at xpm, and I will return them on Wednesday at xpm.

 

[Ash]

Also if you're getting a load of solicitors bills, I would instruct them not to read anything or reply to anything but just pass things directly to you and you will let them know if you want them to reply to something and explain that funds are tight.

 

[MountainGoat]

Hi everyone. Feel like I stepped off an emotional rollercoaster of sadness and wtf yesterday evening.

Could really do with a bit of help in understanding what happened.

I was in court yesterday as there was an interim hearing for the contested non molestation and non occupation order I have been thrown at me.

To begin with I bump into my stbx's sister and husband, not knowing they would be there. That to begin with didnt make me feel good.

I then got told my stbx had submitted an extra statement to the court which once again was just a re-iteration of her many lies, and asking for the court to dismiss my two witnesses as being irerelevant. I don't know why she was doing this. It made no sense.

Then it all happened so quickly. The point of this hearing was meant to see if the final hearing could be cut from 3 days to 1 day and if we needed all witnesses.
I got asked if I'd prefer to just have one witness each or if we could go as just me against my stbx with just our witnesses written statements.

My solicitor then told me, I need to think this through. It would cost me £6000+ to go through with going to final hearings and thats the start.
She said that the better thing to do is to stop spending money and to focus on the divorce and within the divorce proceedings the children and house will all get sorted out. No need to drag it through the contesting. This would avoid going further with this hearing.

So I had to make quick decisions and finally agreed to this. Not sure if I made the right decision as I feel like I should have kept going to take down my stbx for all she has done to me! I'm sure shes jumping with joy that I've backed down. I'm finding it hard to just let go of her lies.

There was a positive side...The non molestation order and non occupation order will continue until November but as my solicitor mentioned, this is fine as the divorce will trump all that so I shouldnt worry about waiting until November as the kids and house will be sorted before then.

They have ammended the non molestation order to say I can pick the kids up from school and attend events if I let my stbx know in advance.
I will also be able to call the children on the phone at 5pm on a wednesday.
They've also said that both me and her have to make sure the children are not subject to any adult conversations. The thing that pees me off is that she has done this all along! Yet I was the one being punished because of it.

The judge actually recommened mediation, and although I wasnt meant to talk, I piped up and said, I have done this.
It is her who has not done any of this and that has taken me down a lane of financial ruin and emotional stress.

The child arrangement order is due to be heard in April and CAFCASS will talk to us and decide if they need to do a fact find.

I am hoping that I will be able to put my child arrangement options accross.

One part of me is relieved this is partly over, but the other side of me is annoyed that I spent so long on an evidence statement to be told by the court it is too long and they wonder if they should even read it!

I just want this hell to be over.

I've then got to see what will happen with this stupid air tag stalking charge and co-ercive behavior which is still hanging over me.

 

[Peanut 21]

Hearings are emotionally draining and it takes a few days to clear your head.
So are all the issues effectively being consolidated?

 

[MountainGoat]

Yes all of it is being put in to the child arrangementhearing which will be next month.
Yesterday evening I opened a letter I received from CAFCASS and I need to fill it all in.
I have heard so much bad about CAFCASS I'm dreading what is going to happen.

I feel really weird as I'd got so much evidence that I could have used to not only clear my name, but to show what a bad mother and bad person my stbx is and now I won't be able to use that. She's basically getting away with the fact she's thrown lies at me and got me arrested and theres now nothing I can do.

I think the police have been waiting to see the outcome of the non mol and non occupation order as to whether they take the air tag and coercive behavior thing to court. As I've said multiple times, I have nothing to hide.
I told her about it and it was put there for the safety of her and the kids when she had suicidal thoughts back in July before any of this had happened, she did a suicide attempt where we couldnt locate the car, and due to her driving my children around when shes also been having seizures in the evenings.
Yet she says she never knew about it. Police are also wondering why I didnt use it when she took the kids away but at the time my first thought was just phone her and text her which is what you would do.
They also wonder why when we split up she didnt take the air tag out the car. Again, I don't know why she didnt.
They wonder why it was placed in the boot hidden away. Well the whole point is that it remains in the car and isnt just in the glove compartment where it can just be taken out or taken if the car was stolen.

They are basically trying to pass me off as a stalker that uses the home CCTV to spy on my wife. She had no problems when it was put in 4 years ago, that I have some of her clothes in my bag (I emptied the washing machine and there was her tshirt and some knickers - Big deal!), and that I'm telling her to lose weight, gain weight, and manipulate her. It's a complete joke!

 

[hazemaze]

Can you not use your evidence at final hearing?

 

[MountainGoat]

Can you not use your evidence at final hearing?

Thanks,

Hopefully. I wrote 30 pages for the non molestation order and the judge evcen said they wondered if they should even read it. I couldnt get it down any shorter than that! Just because it's long, we just won't bother. Idiots.

I hope I can use it for the Child arrangement hearing and it will show what a bad mother she is.
It all depends if CAFCASS do a findings I guess too?

 

[hazemaze]

Maybe stick to bullet points.

 

[MountainGoat]

I keep thinking I should have contested it as now there’s no way I can prove her lies and everything she has done.
But maybe focussing on the kids is better and karma will come.

 

[mva]

I keep thinking I should have contested it as now there’s no way I can prove her lies and everything she has done.
But maybe focussing on the kids is better and karma will come.

I think it’s wise you didn’t contest it . I did and it backfired they combined non- mol with CAO into a FF which I lost . So you might off dodge a bullet there.

 

[Ash]

I understand the frustration that you wanted to contest and prove her lies. However most of us have said all along, and I think even your solicitor did - that it's better to focus time, effort, energy and money - towards getting the best child arrangements order you can. If you can get that then there are no welfare issues with you - or you wouldn't get the order. That in itself tells anyone you need to show the order to, that there are no welfare issues with you and exonerates you and protects you. And that in itself, proves the ex was lying.

And the hard reality is, even if you proved she was lying, no one would punish her for it. All the courts are interested in is - what's in the best interests of the children. And if you had contested it could have backfired later with Cafcass as they would say - both parents are hostile and fighting through the courts instead of focusing on the kids. While that is unfair, as it's only the ex that is hostile, it's the way they see it, if you try to defend things sometimes.

My concern, if everything is consolidated, is that too much focus will be on the allegations and so on. So you'll need to be prepared to be asking for interim time at the next hearing.

There are some big positives though - I think it could have been much much worse, and the Judge could have ordered an NMO without even allowing you to contest it. Is there one already? I can't remember.

And the other big positive is - a lot of her allegations won't stick - because she's been allowing you unsupervised time with the kids. Whether or not anyone at the family court believes you did stalk your ex or not - should make no difference to you being able to see your kids regularly and have an order to see them. Fingers crossed.

So I'm guessing the child arrangements is proceeding because of your ex's C100 is that right?