My babies mum has a new boyfriend

[Bigredmachine]

Hi all hope you’re all well.

Really Need some good advice asap.

My baby is 4 months old, I was never with the mother but we have been civil since he was born, im seeing him for overnights every week now and I love him to pieces, he’s my world.

tonight I dropped him off as normal and then about 5 mins later got a text saying “just to let you know I’m with someone now”

My heart sunk and I feel floored, I am not interested In her in the slightest and expected this at some point but not when he’s 4 months old.

The thought of another man spending more time with my boy is killing me, the thought of my son thinking this guy is his dad, the thought this man is likely to be there for his 1st words, 1st steps etc. I just dont know how to process this info, I feel like I’ve lost my son.

she said it’s been going on a long time so I should be reassured that we have bonded and not to worry but I can’t help it

 

[Jumper85]

Hi BigRedMachine,

No one, and I mean no one can replace you as long as YOU choose to be in your babies life! There's only the risk of you being replaced if you choose to step away, pay less interest but you clearly care so this won't happen.

I can't say I've been through the same but my ex has had a new partner now for 6 months. My kids are a lot older too (4 & 8) and its heart breaking to know they could be spending more time with him than me but I soon realised that it's down to me as to whether I let this guy be seen more as a father figure than I. I won't and you need to do the same mate.

Keep your head up brother

 

[nothernsoul]

Absolutely top advice above.

All of the dads on here have suffered or are continuing to suffer heart break. All of the feelings you are experiencing are completely understandable and normal.

I'd add to the advice above by recommending that you do not let these feelings interfere with the relationship you have with mother - do everything in a civil and kind way and keep your son at the centre of all you do.

The relationship between your son and you will be as strong and as special as the efforts you put in to make them. Make yourself proud of all you do and your son will be lucky to have you.

All the best pal.

 

[Bigredmachine]

Hi BigRedMachine,

No one, and I mean no one can replace you as long as YOU choose to be in your babies life! There's only the risk of you being replaced if you choose to step away, pay less interest but you clearly care so this won't happen.

I can't say I've been through the same but my ex has had a new partner now for 6 months. My kids are a lot older too (4 & 8) and its heart breaking to know they could be spending more time with him than me but I soon realised that it's down to me as to whether I let this guy be seen more as a father figure than I. I won't and you need to do the same mate.

Keep your head up brother

Thanks for this advice, that’s definitely what I’m going to do, just my worry is with him being so young he’s not going know per-se I’m his “dad” not for a while anyway. I can just see him bonding with him more.

I know this may come across as petty too, but it seems this new guy supports my football teams main rival, again I know that’s petty but Id hate him to be groomed to support them.

 

[Bigredmachine]

Absolutely top advice above.

All of the dads on here have suffered or are continuing to suffer heart break. All of the feelings you are experiencing are completely understandable and normal.

I'd add to the advice above by recommending that you do not let these feelings interfere with the relationship you have with mother - do everything in a civil and kind way and keep your son at the centre of all you do.

The relationship between your son and you will be as strong and as special as the efforts you put in to make them. Make yourself proud of all you do and your son will be lucky to have you.

All the best pal.

Thank you.

Understand about the mother thing, I just told her that as long as he’s good around my son then no issue.

I just find it so hard to see how she’s had time to date with a 4month old baby and one whos an outpatient awaiting surgery.
obviously won’t say that to her but surely he should have been number 1 priority

 

[Ash]

He might be only 4 months old, but you have a biological bond from birth. Only you and the Mother have that. Any bond formed with a step parent is not the same, and is a more fragile bond. The main thing is that the Mother is supportive of your son's relationship with you. Some particularly unpleasant ex's try and brainwash the child into believing the new man is there Dad. While kids might believe what the ex tells them and repeat it, they still don't feel it and know something is missing.

You only have to think of adopted kids. A child can be adopted, from birth by adoptive parents, and have a happy and loving family life, calling them Mum and Dad. But throughout their lives they know there is something missing and often go in search of the biological parents as they grow up.

The other thing is, young children don't have the same concepts of who is who, as we do. So all the while your child is staying with you regularly, that is normal for him, and he will miss you if he doesn't see you. They don't question why they are in a different place, they just feel at home with you.

 

[Peanut 21]

Ash is right. I love my step children but it will never come close to the love of the biological parents. And how they feel about me will never surpass how they love their parents.

You never know, this bloke might be a flash in the pan.

As for the football thing. Yeah might be petty but that's the point of this forum. You can moan about stuff like that too. Tbh I'd probably feel the same. Seems sods law he supports a rival team.

 

[Bigredmachine]

Ash is right. I love my step children but it will never come close to the love of the biological parents. And how they feel about me will never surpass how they love their parents.

You never know, this bloke might be a flash in the pan.

As for the football thing. Yeah might be petty but that's the point of this forum. You can moan about stuff like that too. Tbh I'd probably feel the same. Seems sods law he supports a rival team.

Thanks mate appreciate your words, just find it weird a bloke being with a pregnant woman and then a newborn. Just worried he’s got ideas that he’s a dad figure

 

[Peanut 21]

It is odd. Most blokes would find it too much.
Do you think maybe she's making more of this relationship than it is just to wind you up?

 

[Bigredmachine]

It is odd. Most blokes would find it too much.
Do you think maybe she's making more of this relationship than it is just to wind you up?

Possible mate, she’s well known to have lads on the go all the time and go on dates etc, hence why I asked for a paternity test when she said she was pregnant.