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winger

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Tonight I got a message from some good friends, a couple I've known for years, met through my ex. They have known my ex and her family for much longer.
They've stood by me through all this stuff, but at the same time never wanted to choose sides so have remained friends with ex as well. They don't want to talk about any of it, they feel a bit stuck in the middle.

Tonight they messaged to say they're going to have to put the friendship on hold, as the ex and her family are distancing themselves from them, and have been ignoring them.

I've basically said they're making the wrong choice, they're choosing people who are making them choose, while all this time basically ignoring them, just because they remain friends with me. I've said friends don't do that, I wouldn't do that, I haven't made them choose or tried to stop them talking to ex or her family. But they've been ignored by them, and now obviously making them choose, even if not directly, but coercively, by ignoring them, and distancing from them.

And my ex accuses ME of control and coercive behaviour! I wouldn't be surprised if the ex's mum has a big part in this too, she is a huge manipulator.

But isn't this crazy, it blows my mind how someone can not see what is going on, that they are making the decision purely based on the length of friendship, even though they are being manipulated themselves, coerced into dropping the friendship with me.

Anyone been through this? Lost friendships because of ex accusing stuff etc?
 
That is a real shame. They could actually help as well. I had one friend who stayed friends with both me and ex separately, and at times they ended up being quite a helpful mediator. To be honest I don't think it was helpful your friends actually contacting you to tell you that! If that is their choice then they would have been better just saying nothing and see how things pan out. Why are they so bothered about the ex cutting them off?

Unfortunately though, with any break up, it can mean a loss of friends and people taking sides. They feel uncomfortable. It seems no coincidence this has happened just after you had a good court hearing. Ultimately, they knew your ex first and are clearly feeling uncomfortable about their position.

I would just send them a brief message saying something like

"I realise this is a difficult situation for you. Hopefully things will change in future. Best wishes".
 
I sent them a bit more than that but yea, along those lines! 🤣 I may have made it more emotional than usual, but I was so surprised and a bit hurt by it. But now I think, it really isn't my loss ultimately. I've made way more friends now than I had when I was with her, by a long shot. I was definitely being held back in that way.

My reply was

"Oh my goodness man. Really?
This is extremely sad.
And the thing is, you're choosing 'friends' who may have known you for longer, but are forcing you to choose by distancing from you. I on the other hand have never done that man, I've been there for you guys, and never made you choose. Also this whole thing that XXXXX has initiated has torn our family apart, and it's nothing to do with me. So you're choosing people who do that too mate.
I'm flabagasted at this. And truly upset by it. But if that's what you want, then what can I say? You're choosing wrong buddy. You said to me before you would always be a friend, to people who treat you right. I've done nothing wrong man..
I'm shocked and heartbroken to be honest. How can you choose people who are ignoring you?

They are ignoring you, because you're friends with me, don't you see how wrong that is?

Friends don't do that. I wouldn't do that. I'll leave it at that, and hope we can remain friends."

It wasn't short, but I wanted them to realise and see the truth, it's up to them. If they choose people who are under the surface trying to control them ultimately, that's their decision, I hope they choose right.
 
Maybe give it some time. Focus on other friendships. But I know how it feels when you've relied on people and they just disappear.
 
Sod em I say!!
My partner has had this.
I understand people not wanting to get involved. Break ups and family stuff are complicated.
But I've always based how I treat people by how they treat me. I don't base it on how others feel.
 
I've had to make decisions on Friendships in the past outside of this process.

It's very difficult and sad to say I've had to forgo the secondary relationships, effectively choosing to stay friends with those whom I've known significantly longer and had greater support and connection with as opposed to the friend of a friend.
 
I've also found that in this process, Mum has leveraged relationships with other parents and as such I've had to distance myself from the Dad's to avoid putting people in the middle.

Ultimately you have to put your energy into those relationships which will bear fruit.
 
It's times like this when you find out who your real friends are - and sometimes you find you only have 1 or 2 and the rest were just social hangers on. But 1 good friend is worth having.
 
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