Hi, I currently find myself in a tricky situation after finding out my ex girlfriend is pregnant.
We were together 6 months and 2 weeks after she ended things she told me she was pregnant, all evidence suggests it's mine, but because of the breakup I wants to ask for paternity. Now I'd like some advice based on the likelihood it's 99% mine. I'm early 30s and she's mid 20s, first child for both. I recently bought my first home and we are only going to be down the road from each other.
We are currently not speaking due to a communication breakdown.
She is currently 14 weeks pregnant, initially she said it would be nice to do everything with me but her words and actions did not match, for example, I was invited to scans, then she went without me, she wanted 12 weeks of space at the beginning of pregnancy but we did meet up during that time once to talk about things over some food.
Now I'm in a situation where due to all the backtracking and changing her mind about wanting to meet up, leading me on saying maybe we will get back together etc, I started getting frustrated and it was making me uncomfortable. I first brought up a request for pre-natal paternity at week 10 which she pushed back at (as expected) but eventually agree to. She then told me she'd look for pre-natal paternity tests but I then felt pretty bad over this so I told her not to worry about it.(probably my first mistake backing down as it has now led to all this)
We then had another conversation to on about meeting up etc but I said in the conversation that I would still like paternity at birth as "a formality"
The issue of paternity is obviously upsetting her, I can see she feels her integrity is in question and she just could not drop it.
She then proceeded to text me the next day how she feels really uncomfortable sharing these moments like scans with someone who doesn't believe the kid is there's ) I do but I have to be absolutely certain) and that she wants her own space during the pregnancy now. She then started touting out saying she will be in contact closer to the time depending if i still want paternity or not otherwise she won't discuss anything until I've done that. She then proceeds to basically lay out how it's gong to be about the baby being with her most the time and talks of a rota etc ( which is weird because she just said she won't discuss anything until I've done the thing she has been so worked up about)
Now we are at 14 weeks and I feel so left out of everything, this would be my first child and as of now, I haven't attended a single doctors appointment or scan, I expressed I wanted to be involved during the pregnancy but I can't help but feel she only feels obligated to have me involved.
Now I'm really struggling to come to terms with things. I'm struggling to want to be involved at all and expect to co parent with someone who only feels obligated to offer the bare minimum.
The only thing is can see wrong is I requested paternity as a formality. I expect she has some sort of personality disorder after having time to reflect after the breakup. There are too many flags looking back that indicate this to be the case.
I currently feel excluded and feel like she is trying to play silly games with wierd social media behaviour to grab my intention. We had not spoken for over a month until today where I felt I should at least check in with her as it's the right thing to do. I just asked how she was and the baby, and she said "everything is well. Thank you " and that's about it.
I can't help but feel uncomfortable with the situation , even after her previously saying she wants me involved in all of it, I feel she is just throwing a tantrum and silent treatment over the paternity issue until I cave, the behaviour is very controlling and I just think I will be respected even less and caved saying I believed her just to hold the peace.
I am concerned for what the future will look like parenting with this woman due to the immature and really childish reactions that are completely out of proportion.
I do not know what to do to resolve this tension between us but I feel like the only thing I can do is request we revert to our previous agreement to do ore natal paternity. At the same time I fear this may piss her off or if I cave and say I believe her il just loose any respect and be in the exact same position. I want to express that I won't be receptive to paternity down the line as I don't see how we can prepare on the best interests of the baby.
I'm new to all this and concerned of what to expect. This isn't an ideal scenario and I want to express to her I'm willing to find a solution that's works for both of us in the best interests of the baby but I don't know how to go about this. She did initially bring up the topic of doing classes together and stuff like that as well as the scans but now she just isn't in my good books at all and I assume I'm not in hers.
I was thinking of messaging her but I'm not sure how I would go about this. The fact that that she said "il know more about how I feel at the time" indicates she thinks she has full control of my involvement , and not "what's best for the baby"
She is very controlling and ocd and I am concerned about what things will look like if we can't come to an agreement amicably. Right now I feel nothing is real and what to prepare of how to prepare for the child if I'm excluded.
The last real interaction over text we had was her expressing her discomfort over my request for paternity as a formality, i then said if it was correct she gave my details to the midwife etc and she said "you knew that already and I've been calling myself an idiot ever since" so she's clearly upset. That was over a month ago and we have been ghost ever since.
What can I do to rectify the situation as I do not feel my request was unreasonable considering the circumstances. Part of me wants to bail but the other part is telling I have an obligation, I'm just finding it hard to want to co-parent in the current circumstances.
Any advice and support would be greatly appreciated as a new member. My head is all over the place at the moment.
Thanks
We were together 6 months and 2 weeks after she ended things she told me she was pregnant, all evidence suggests it's mine, but because of the breakup I wants to ask for paternity. Now I'd like some advice based on the likelihood it's 99% mine. I'm early 30s and she's mid 20s, first child for both. I recently bought my first home and we are only going to be down the road from each other.
We are currently not speaking due to a communication breakdown.
She is currently 14 weeks pregnant, initially she said it would be nice to do everything with me but her words and actions did not match, for example, I was invited to scans, then she went without me, she wanted 12 weeks of space at the beginning of pregnancy but we did meet up during that time once to talk about things over some food.
Now I'm in a situation where due to all the backtracking and changing her mind about wanting to meet up, leading me on saying maybe we will get back together etc, I started getting frustrated and it was making me uncomfortable. I first brought up a request for pre-natal paternity at week 10 which she pushed back at (as expected) but eventually agree to. She then told me she'd look for pre-natal paternity tests but I then felt pretty bad over this so I told her not to worry about it.(probably my first mistake backing down as it has now led to all this)
We then had another conversation to on about meeting up etc but I said in the conversation that I would still like paternity at birth as "a formality"
The issue of paternity is obviously upsetting her, I can see she feels her integrity is in question and she just could not drop it.
She then proceeded to text me the next day how she feels really uncomfortable sharing these moments like scans with someone who doesn't believe the kid is there's ) I do but I have to be absolutely certain) and that she wants her own space during the pregnancy now. She then started touting out saying she will be in contact closer to the time depending if i still want paternity or not otherwise she won't discuss anything until I've done that. She then proceeds to basically lay out how it's gong to be about the baby being with her most the time and talks of a rota etc ( which is weird because she just said she won't discuss anything until I've done the thing she has been so worked up about)
Now we are at 14 weeks and I feel so left out of everything, this would be my first child and as of now, I haven't attended a single doctors appointment or scan, I expressed I wanted to be involved during the pregnancy but I can't help but feel she only feels obligated to have me involved.
Now I'm really struggling to come to terms with things. I'm struggling to want to be involved at all and expect to co parent with someone who only feels obligated to offer the bare minimum.
The only thing is can see wrong is I requested paternity as a formality. I expect she has some sort of personality disorder after having time to reflect after the breakup. There are too many flags looking back that indicate this to be the case.
I currently feel excluded and feel like she is trying to play silly games with wierd social media behaviour to grab my intention. We had not spoken for over a month until today where I felt I should at least check in with her as it's the right thing to do. I just asked how she was and the baby, and she said "everything is well. Thank you " and that's about it.
I can't help but feel uncomfortable with the situation , even after her previously saying she wants me involved in all of it, I feel she is just throwing a tantrum and silent treatment over the paternity issue until I cave, the behaviour is very controlling and I just think I will be respected even less and caved saying I believed her just to hold the peace.
I am concerned for what the future will look like parenting with this woman due to the immature and really childish reactions that are completely out of proportion.
I do not know what to do to resolve this tension between us but I feel like the only thing I can do is request we revert to our previous agreement to do ore natal paternity. At the same time I fear this may piss her off or if I cave and say I believe her il just loose any respect and be in the exact same position. I want to express that I won't be receptive to paternity down the line as I don't see how we can prepare on the best interests of the baby.
I'm new to all this and concerned of what to expect. This isn't an ideal scenario and I want to express to her I'm willing to find a solution that's works for both of us in the best interests of the baby but I don't know how to go about this. She did initially bring up the topic of doing classes together and stuff like that as well as the scans but now she just isn't in my good books at all and I assume I'm not in hers.
I was thinking of messaging her but I'm not sure how I would go about this. The fact that that she said "il know more about how I feel at the time" indicates she thinks she has full control of my involvement , and not "what's best for the baby"
She is very controlling and ocd and I am concerned about what things will look like if we can't come to an agreement amicably. Right now I feel nothing is real and what to prepare of how to prepare for the child if I'm excluded.
The last real interaction over text we had was her expressing her discomfort over my request for paternity as a formality, i then said if it was correct she gave my details to the midwife etc and she said "you knew that already and I've been calling myself an idiot ever since" so she's clearly upset. That was over a month ago and we have been ghost ever since.
What can I do to rectify the situation as I do not feel my request was unreasonable considering the circumstances. Part of me wants to bail but the other part is telling I have an obligation, I'm just finding it hard to want to co-parent in the current circumstances.
Any advice and support would be greatly appreciated as a new member. My head is all over the place at the moment.
Thanks
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