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At The Start Of A Long Journey

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Kev19

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Hi everyone, there is a lot of good information this site which is helpful even though I feel I have a long way to go before I care my daughter again.

My ex and I separated when our daughter was three months old, she is now five months old and I’ve not seen her for over four weeks and there is no communication from my ex.

Yesterday I had my MIAM which my ex declined to attend, reason being she has safeguarding concerns.
When we were together, we argued a lot and swore at each other and on at least one occasion she had recorded me swearing at her which makes me look and feel a bad person, and she accused me of raising my hand to her which I did not and I have denied.

During the MIAM it became clear I was not going to make any progress as to seeing my daughter anytime soon and therefore I need to complete a C100 form seeking a court order to be able to see my daughter.
I will initially be happy for limited time with my daughter due to her young age and as my parenting skills improve extend the time that I am able to see my daughter.
I am most concerned about the abuse allegations, and as far as I am aware, no official authorities have been involved and my ex just got the voice recordings of me, being verbally abusive towards her, even though in the past, she has been verbally abusive towards me and slapped me in the face however, this will end up being just my word against hers.

I am trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel but by then my daughter would’ve grown so much and I would’ve missed many of the milestones. This morning is a low point for me and I just want to reach out to you all for some reassurance and advice
 
You can only try. I would suggest you sign up for an early years childcare course now and so you can say you';re doing that in your application. Your ex may well accuse you of abuse when you apply and you'll just need to go through the whole process one step at a time. You could ask forco supervised time with your child until they have determined whether there are any issues. What you shouldn't do is try to defend yourself by saying she was also verbally abusive and slapped you as then they will see it as conflict between parents and you won't get very far then - they will just leave the child with the Mother. It would be better to leave all that behind and just say you separated because there were a lot of arguments but you want to move forwards and co parent amicably for your child's sake. Keep everything 100% child focused. Have you seen the guides to completing the C100 on here?
 
Thank you Ash for your quick reply, I have noted your good advice on wanting to move forward and co patent amicably. Yes I have seen the C100 form guides, it’s just knowing what to ask for under the nature of the application question, and also question 5b asks for reasons given by the respondent for their actions. I guess I would put something similar to your suggestion “there was lots of arguments and I want to move forward”.
 
Kev19 said:
Hi everyone, there is a lot of good information this site which is helpful even though I feel I have a long way to go before I care my daughter again.

My ex and I separated when our daughter was three months old, she is now five months old and I’ve not seen her for over four weeks and there is no communication from my ex.

Yesterday I had my MIAM which my ex declined to attend, reason being she has safeguarding concerns.
When we were together, we argued a lot and swore at each other and on at least one occasion she had recorded me swearing at her which makes me look and feel a bad person, and she accused me of raising my hand to her which I did not and I have denied.

During the MIAM it became clear I was not going to make any progress as to seeing my daughter anytime soon and therefore I need to complete a C100 form seeking a court order to be able to see my daughter.
I will initially be happy for limited time with my daughter due to her young age and as my parenting skills improve extend the time that I am able to see my daughter.
I am most concerned about the abuse allegations, and as far as I am aware, no official authorities have been involved and my ex just got the voice recordings of me, being verbally abusive towards her, even though in the past, she has been verbally abusive towards me and slapped me in the face however, this will end up being just my word against hers.

I am trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel but by then my daughter would’ve grown so much and I would’ve missed many of the milestones. This morning is a low point for me and I just want to reach out to you all for some reassurance and advice
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Hey @Kev19 ,

Just wanted to say, we all have our low points when we have the time to ourselves we tend to gravitate to what we don't have - I think the youngsters call it FOMO(!)

But what I will say is that your daughter is young, one of mine is 10yrs and I'm still getting to experience a number of milestones, as other dads will testify the are no doubt plenty more to come. :)

You're headed in the right direction, we're only human, we make mistakes but you're working hard to move forward - good on you for staying in her life. :love:

No matter what certain sections of society say or think, children need both their parents fully involved and daughters need their Dad's even more 😇

Keep going and look to the future, she doesn't know what she's missing yet, by the time she is old enough, you'll already be there by her side 🙏

MJ
 
Thank you MagicJ for your supportive words. You and Ash have helped me through today.
I will keep coming back and hopefully be able to reply with supportive words for others as my own journey progresses.
Keep staying strong for each other.
 
Hello buddy and welcome! You're in a good place here lots of great people and plenty of support, we all have each others backs and help each other get through hard times - we have all felt like that and still do sometimes.

Similar to you I felt like I was missing out on so much, which was hard, but there is so so much to come, you have your whole lives together (you and your daughter) and also because she's young she has no idea what is happening. You'll build up your bond with her in no time.

It feels rubbish right now, and it might feel worse sometimes, but it always gets better, there's always another day. This time will end, just remember that.

We are here with you.

Step 1.
Get the C100 done

Keep strong 💪🏻
 
At the beginning of December, I submitted my C100 and was wondering what the timeframe was for hearing anything back from the courts?
My ex will contest the application on the grounds of safeguarding, this is because we argued and not to do with my baby daughter.
I have not seen my daughter for two months and my ex does not communicate with me. Yesterday I saw a mother pushing a pram similar to the one we have, and it has made me feel really low and missing my daughter, especially as we’re getting close to Christmas. This waiting around so painful.
 
You could call the court and chase up. Even if to tell you they have a backlog and give you a rough time frame. Courts have backlogs now and don't seem to be as quick as previous years.
 
@Kev19 courts will close this week & with the proximity you are not likely to hear back till the New Year.

I would however do as @Peanut 21 suggested, just to ensure that they have recieved the C100 and it hasn't fallen through the gaps.
You may need to hold quite a bit depending on the court, always remember to be polite when making your enquiry.

Let us know how you get on!
 
Hi All, thank you for your kind words and support, apologies for not getting back sooner. This site is invaluable with all the information and advice. Today I had my CAFCASS call and my first court hearing will be in two weeks time. I am unsure as to how the call went, and I denied all accusations. The most surprising one was I have been accused of being a drug dealer and taking drugs. This is 100% untrue as I have never been around drugs and it has made me really nervous as to what my ex will say next. The CASCAFF Officer also said my ex went to the police with safeguarding concerns saying I had been violent and controlling. Again this is 100% untrue, if anything she was the controlling one.
On a plus note I was told, I will likely initially get supervised access in a CallCenter. This whole situation is so disgusting and my ex can get away with lying.
On reflection I feel I could have given better/fuller responses during the call, will I get a chance in court to discuss things further? Any advice is more than appreciated.
 
That's good they said you'd get time in a contact centre. Wait and see what the Cafcass letter says - you should get it before the hearing. It's never pleasant reading because they repeat everything the ex has said as a kind of report - but it is just that - a report of what she's said, not directly accusing it. They will also report what you said - although usually only briefly. At the end it says what they recommend happens next, but whatever they recommend, it's up to a Judge to decide at the hearing. Will you be able to get any representation for the hearing at all?
 
Hi Ash, thank you for the prompt reply. Yes I will have a barrister, fortunately I have a little bit of money saved up but feel it will run out before my case ends. I am hopefully the contact centre will be a temporary situation leading to me having my daughter at home with a family member supervising.
 
After hearing the allegation yesterday I did not sleep well and have had a bad day worrying about it. Even though I have never taken drugs or been a drug dealer I can’t help thinking mud sticks. When I go to court is it down to my ex to prove the allegations or me to deny them? I keep thinking of the level of probability of something happening or not and how the judge comes to his decision keeps coming to mind and the more mud that is slung my way the greater the chance of something sticking. Can our exes keep making allegations or does their C1a contain everything?
The whole situation is so draining.
Apologies for feeling sorry for myself today, hopefully I will soon experience a high when I next see my daughter.
 
Kev19 said:
When I go to court is it down to my ex to prove the allegations or me to deny them? I
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Her allegation, burden of proof on her.

If you know you're clear on this point have faith in yourself. They can't dig up evidence of something you haven't done. It's a classic tactic that gets used.
 
Kev19 said:
After hearing the allegation yesterday I did not sleep well and have had a bad day worrying about it. Even though I have never taken drugs or been a drug dealer I can’t help thinking mud sticks. When I go to court is it down to my ex to prove the allegations or me to deny them? I keep thinking of the level of probability of something happening or not and how the judge comes to his decision keeps coming to mind and the more mud that is slung my way the greater the chance of something sticking. Can our exes keep making allegations or does their C1a contain everything?
The whole situation is so draining.
Apologies for feeling sorry for myself today, hopefully I will soon experience a high when I next see my daughter.
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The burden of proof is on your ex. And once the judge see's how ridiculous the accusations are, and that clearly they aren't true, any further accusations won't be taken that seriously. In fact the judge will most likely get fed up of it.

My ex carried on in court, and the judge shut her down, and didn't know what to make of the stupid things she was saying 🤣 they really do try anything, but the court has seen it all before which is a good thing. And it's their job to spot lies, truths, they generally know if someone is who they say they are, and they are keen to wrap things up, even though it takes months and months.

Try to just remember who you are, that you aren't what the ex is saying, it is just mud slinging, nonsense.
These women try anything to cause delay, or tip the balance in their favour, even if they have to lie, or completely twist the truth.
 
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Thank you for your replies. Today I received the Cafcass letter for the court within the accusations I expected, and it also had some lies from my exes mother, they are both cut from the same cloth and I feel as if I’m up against two people.
Within the report, not only does it state I refuted the allegations, but I have also counted some of them which makes me feel as if the report sounds as if there is conflict which I did not want to happen.
Part of the advice on interim arrangements states, “ Cafcass recognise the allegations and counter allegations of control and abuse during the parents relationship have been made. The court will need to determine the truth of these allegations as to what long-term arrangements can be made.”
How concerned should I be about this and the mention of a fact-finding hearing, as most of it will come down to she said he said?
On a plus note it recommended access twice a week for 1 or 2 hours. I gave not seen my daughter sine October and an so excited. To this I thank Ash for his assistance in regard my C100
 
That's great they recommended twice a week 👍🏻

See what happens, push for no fact finding, a few people have avoided a fact finding, it depends on the judge and all sorts of stuff. Representation is important.
 
I will have a barrister and will ask for no fact finding. What advice does anyone have for avoiding a FF?
Where no authorities have been involved then it will come down to she said he said and could this not be resolved at the FHDRA?
I will be meeting the barrister 1hour before the hearing, will we be preparing a position statement and should I get character references?
apologies for all the questions as my hearing is next week.
 
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