Hi,
I'm new here and after some advice from other Dads here.
At 16 years old I fathered a child, unplanned but we kept her.
Unfortunately my partner at that time, the mother, developed post-natal depression which resulted in her become aggressive, controlling and often someone totally different.
After over a year of trying to manage this, my own mental health had worsened.
I wasn't even allowed to watch Eastenders, or say thank you to someone female on a till, it got that bad.
I decided to walk away after 4 years, as it became too much to cope.
When my daughter was born I was so happy, excited, I went to all the appointments with her mother, I slept at the hospital every night when she was in there before coming home.
Obviously this was before we parted.
I continued to pay child maintenance for the whole of my daughters life, although I had not seen her since she was around 7 years old, after I tried to see if me and her mother could get back together; this failed due to her lying and actually she had another guy on the go when she intended to try us again.
My daughter is now 19 years old, and from the small bits I've seen online on social media she's been successful, but has had relationship issues herself.
I want to reach out, as she would not have any contact details for me as I moved when she was small and did not tell my ex.
I understand many people will read this and make a judgement, but please understand, I suffer with severe depression, bi polar, and also various other health matters and I did not abandon my daughter due to not wanting her, rather her mother refused many times to allow access and the contact centre arrangements never were kept.
The reason time is running out, my father is terminally ill, we only found out a few months ago and there isn't anything more they can do for him, we don't actually have any time line for how long, we just know it's terminal.
I feel like my daughter should decide if to see him before something happens.
I'd also like to reconnect but I'm concerned that either she will reject my branch, or run off to the Police and report me for harassment (this is something her mother did a few times to stop access when younger).
I'm in no head space for Police involvement, as that's likely going to drive a wedge between us even more.
How do I approach this?
Am I stupid to try and walk into her life now at 19 years old?
Do I message her on her socials or do I get a letter to her or do I message her my number, keep it short, and let her decide what the next move is.
I don't want her thinking that I'm trying to walk back in now because my dad is dying, because although that's part of it, I've always wanted to connect with her.
The other way, I do have someone who is willing to approach her online, explain her dad wants to talk and see if she will at least listen to me - this is another female, so maybe this would come across better? I don't know.
I feel like I'm going to be judged here, by the short version but please know there is much more to this story - my ex also had me arrested for domestic violence, when she smashed my daughters feeding bottle in town one time - the cameras were reviewed and they said no assault took place and in fact it was my ex who had caused the incident and that I had been trying to protect my daughter. This is one incident of many.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Honest, blunt. I accept she may hate me and reject my contact but I'm damed if I do and damed if I don't- I can't win.
I'm new here and after some advice from other Dads here.
At 16 years old I fathered a child, unplanned but we kept her.
Unfortunately my partner at that time, the mother, developed post-natal depression which resulted in her become aggressive, controlling and often someone totally different.
After over a year of trying to manage this, my own mental health had worsened.
I wasn't even allowed to watch Eastenders, or say thank you to someone female on a till, it got that bad.
I decided to walk away after 4 years, as it became too much to cope.
When my daughter was born I was so happy, excited, I went to all the appointments with her mother, I slept at the hospital every night when she was in there before coming home.
Obviously this was before we parted.
I continued to pay child maintenance for the whole of my daughters life, although I had not seen her since she was around 7 years old, after I tried to see if me and her mother could get back together; this failed due to her lying and actually she had another guy on the go when she intended to try us again.
My daughter is now 19 years old, and from the small bits I've seen online on social media she's been successful, but has had relationship issues herself.
I want to reach out, as she would not have any contact details for me as I moved when she was small and did not tell my ex.
I understand many people will read this and make a judgement, but please understand, I suffer with severe depression, bi polar, and also various other health matters and I did not abandon my daughter due to not wanting her, rather her mother refused many times to allow access and the contact centre arrangements never were kept.
The reason time is running out, my father is terminally ill, we only found out a few months ago and there isn't anything more they can do for him, we don't actually have any time line for how long, we just know it's terminal.
I feel like my daughter should decide if to see him before something happens.
I'd also like to reconnect but I'm concerned that either she will reject my branch, or run off to the Police and report me for harassment (this is something her mother did a few times to stop access when younger).
I'm in no head space for Police involvement, as that's likely going to drive a wedge between us even more.
How do I approach this?
Am I stupid to try and walk into her life now at 19 years old?
Do I message her on her socials or do I get a letter to her or do I message her my number, keep it short, and let her decide what the next move is.
I don't want her thinking that I'm trying to walk back in now because my dad is dying, because although that's part of it, I've always wanted to connect with her.
The other way, I do have someone who is willing to approach her online, explain her dad wants to talk and see if she will at least listen to me - this is another female, so maybe this would come across better? I don't know.
I feel like I'm going to be judged here, by the short version but please know there is much more to this story - my ex also had me arrested for domestic violence, when she smashed my daughters feeding bottle in town one time - the cameras were reviewed and they said no assault took place and in fact it was my ex who had caused the incident and that I had been trying to protect my daughter. This is one incident of many.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Honest, blunt. I accept she may hate me and reject my contact but I'm damed if I do and damed if I don't- I can't win.