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CookieMonsterxo

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Hi,


I'm new here and after some advice from other Dads here.


At 16 years old I fathered a child, unplanned but we kept her.
Unfortunately my partner at that time, the mother, developed post-natal depression which resulted in her become aggressive, controlling and often someone totally different.

After over a year of trying to manage this, my own mental health had worsened.
I wasn't even allowed to watch Eastenders, or say thank you to someone female on a till, it got that bad.


I decided to walk away after 4 years, as it became too much to cope.
When my daughter was born I was so happy, excited, I went to all the appointments with her mother, I slept at the hospital every night when she was in there before coming home.

Obviously this was before we parted.


I continued to pay child maintenance for the whole of my daughters life, although I had not seen her since she was around 7 years old, after I tried to see if me and her mother could get back together; this failed due to her lying and actually she had another guy on the go when she intended to try us again.


My daughter is now 19 years old, and from the small bits I've seen online on social media she's been successful, but has had relationship issues herself.

I want to reach out, as she would not have any contact details for me as I moved when she was small and did not tell my ex.


I understand many people will read this and make a judgement, but please understand, I suffer with severe depression, bi polar, and also various other health matters and I did not abandon my daughter due to not wanting her, rather her mother refused many times to allow access and the contact centre arrangements never were kept.



The reason time is running out, my father is terminally ill, we only found out a few months ago and there isn't anything more they can do for him, we don't actually have any time line for how long, we just know it's terminal.

I feel like my daughter should decide if to see him before something happens.
I'd also like to reconnect but I'm concerned that either she will reject my branch, or run off to the Police and report me for harassment (this is something her mother did a few times to stop access when younger).


I'm in no head space for Police involvement, as that's likely going to drive a wedge between us even more.


How do I approach this?
Am I stupid to try and walk into her life now at 19 years old?
Do I message her on her socials or do I get a letter to her or do I message her my number, keep it short, and let her decide what the next move is.
I don't want her thinking that I'm trying to walk back in now because my dad is dying, because although that's part of it, I've always wanted to connect with her.


The other way, I do have someone who is willing to approach her online, explain her dad wants to talk and see if she will at least listen to me - this is another female, so maybe this would come across better? I don't know.



I feel like I'm going to be judged here, by the short version but please know there is much more to this story - my ex also had me arrested for domestic violence, when she smashed my daughters feeding bottle in town one time - the cameras were reviewed and they said no assault took place and in fact it was my ex who had caused the incident and that I had been trying to protect my daughter. This is one incident of many.



Any advice would be appreciated.
Honest, blunt. I accept she may hate me and reject my contact but I'm damed if I do and damed if I don't- I can't win.
 
It sounds like a really difficult situation and has been hard for you and I don’t judge you at all. You were driven away basically and she prevented you seeing your daughter. When you say your daughter is having relationship problems - do you mean with family or a boyfriend? Because I was thinking one difficulty could be if she has a stepdad and has been fairly settled with her Mum and stepdad, she may feel it would be disloyal to her Mum to be in contact with you. So yes reaching out needs to be tentative and careful and I think the idea of a third party letting her know her Dad thinks about het and cares and would love to chat at some point, would be a good idea. Then at least she knows you care. Even if this is t the right time for her to get in contact. If she’s still living at home then the loyalty thing might kick in. But if she knows that now then when she’s a bit older and more independent, she might be more receptive.

You can only try but I think a third party is a good idea as direct contact might be an emotional shock. And I do think it’s worth mentioning she has a grandad who may not live long.
 
On the other hand you’d need to be careful it didn’t sound like emotional blackmail mentioning a grandad who might not live long - so it would have to be carefully worded. But it would give her the opportunity to want to see him if she wanted to. Presumably she knew him when you were together and may remember if she was 4 when you split up.
 
Thanks for your reply.


My head is all over the place if I'm honest Ash.

My dad is getting worse, pretty fast (given terminal diagnosis in November, within that time he has got much worser than suspected in the few months that have passed).
So I'm dealing with watching him literally dying in front of me, not being able to do anything and wondering if I should contact my daughter, as this may her only chance yet my head is such a mess.


I miss her, I love her, I always have done, Ive never forgot her and she doesnt know that and may not believe that but I had no control over how things happended, I wish a kid myself when I had her, powerless.


I know, I dont want her to think I'm taking the moral high ground either such as saying heres my number, I know you prob hate me but contact me anytime - she might take it the wrong way.

The only other way is to approach her mums dad, explain the situation to him, and see how it can be done best, but he was one who caused many issues so dont really feel its the best way.


I have found her FB account, if I message her do I keep it short or do I pour my heart out, keeping in mind I may not get another chance, Im well aware more than one contact attempt could be viewed as harassment, so my first contact needs to be my only one unless she replies.



I dont want to say or guess my feelings how long my dad has, but its not looking good and each passing day is one less if you follow what I'm saying.

She did see him a few times when she was younger.

I think, would I want to know if this was me, and I think yes I would, to at least have that choice.
 
Is she still living at home with her Mother? I don't know what else to suggest. I think if you pour your heart out to her it might be a lot to take in for someone receiving that. On the other hand I see what you're saying. If it's too much of an emotional shock for her though it might have the opposite effect and make her not want to be in contact. Obviously it's an emotional time if your Dad is dying.
 
I believe, from photos Ive seen online she is living at home as the photos are in the house her mother had.

I am not sure she has a step dad, because her mother doesnt use social media at all, never has.
My daughter posted a few weeks ago 'the hard reality knowing I will never be good enough' - with a video of her crying (very very painful to watch) maybe its not about me but a friend of hers commented she hasnt deserved all that shes been through, maybe shes reached out to me and no response, as ex only has my old address which havent been at since daughter was 11 years old.


I did mention it in small talk to my dad, and he instantly said ex parents will start if I make contact with daughter, ex dads brother is dangerous (been in prison for assault/affray etc) and he just said be careful, I didnt mention anymore as he isnt well enough to process all that.

Im not scared of ex parents, as Id just message daughter and reach out direct to her, then its up to her.


Am I doing the right thing Ash? Because my gut and heart say contact her yet my head is saying youll regret it, I cant win either way I go.

I want a relationship with her, and even if she doesnt want to know me, if ever she does later in life at least she has contact details for me - id tell her I would meet her anywhere anytime.


Do I just drop her a FB message? I know it sounds stupid but can you help me what to say (I have issues with explaining things and always say the wrong thing).


I appreciate your time on this
 
Hi @CookieMonsterxo , welcome to the DWK community, I'm sorry to hear about your father.

Our parents are such an important part of our lives yet we often struggle to appreciate what they do for us until much later in life.

You've had an incredibly tough situation to live through from what you've already described.

PND is difficult enough to handle as Adults and there is still no where enough support for both parents in diagnosis and coping mechanisms for today's world let alone 20 years ago for a teenager.

It was clearly a very difficult decision to walk away but you will always find one of the truest forms of supporting your family is looking after yourself first and you did exactly that. 💯

Keeping up with CSA/CMS when you could have found ways around that shows objectively that you do care, well done for doing so. 👏

I'd echo the sentiment that a direct approach after so long when you've got additional emotional stress of your father's situation could be very overwhelming for your daughter!

I imagine that you never gave a forwarding address due to non-existent communication between you and the EX?

May I ask what has kept you from finding or connecting with her till now?

You may have thought about how you would handle the situation if she chose not to take up the offer to meet her Grandad, I presume that you would have considered waiting for a positive answer via the 3rd party before telling your father she would be coming, just in case.

Looking for the right 3rd party seems important, it shouldn't be her family but it feels like a party independent of both families or maybe known to both families but neutral would be best.

As suggested already, right now this is about Grandad and so any approach should really be focused on that & obviously you as her father are in the background and there, if and when she feels the time is right.

There will never be a right way of navigating this but as long as you can truthfully say to yourself that you've approached it in a manner that is sensitive to all then, no matter the outcome, you have taken the right action and can stand by that as her father.

Amongst all of these challenges please remember your 16 yo self , ensure you have the support around you, from DWK, your friends and your own family at this time ❤️ 🙏 🤲🏼

MJ
 
If you really want to drop her a message yourself, then how about something like

"Hi. I am just reaching out to you because I have never stopped thinking about you and missing you and have so much I'd love to say to you, if you would consider seeing me. Dad."

ie keep it short and sweet - show her the door is open. Don't try and put everything in a message - it's more respectful to keep it simple like that I think. It lets her know you care and leaves the opportunity for a meet and further chats or questions. ie it leaves the ball in your court.
 
I'm sorry I have not replied until now; Dad has got worse, its not looking good at all - hes openly said hes dying and his condition is worsening fast.

I have decided I am going to contact my daughter, tell her that he is seriously unwell, not the terminal part.
I have said I hold no bad feelings for her mum or anyone, and that if she decides to not reply I wont bother her again, but to please keep my contact details as I go any where day or night for her.

I'm close to a breakdown, my meds arent able to subside the emotions that are happening.

I lost it days ago and just had a meltdown.


Can I send you what ive written Ash, for you to check it over that it okay?
Also, Ive said I dont want any trouble, and that I accept her decision if she doesnt reply, I dont want her involving Police etc if her mum goes off her head.

Sorry Im not in a good place right now, Im literally losing the will to go on, its just all too f.....g painful.
 
Sure send it to me. Is it the best time to make contact if you're struggling mentally and emotionally? Probably why you need an objective eye over things. You don't want accusations made against you. It's a very hard time when someone is dying.
 
I am going to put forward a different perspective which differs form most so far.

You said your dad is dying and daughter is 19, weren't in her life much and walked when she was 4 , last saw her when she was 7. Does she even have a relationship with your dad? She has been 12 years gone, I'm not sure why the sudden force into her life specifically because your dad is passing away, as hard as that may be for you, why reconnect with her on such terms and circumstances?

Look at it from her perspective, "I'd love to speak to you but I need to tell you that your grandad is dying"

It's seems that your impending loss is driving a desperation to reconnect with your daughter as the loss of her also may be overwhelming. Ask yourself, is it really in her best interests to reconnect at such a time?

Perhaps the grief is clouding your judgement, and maybe reconnecting with her right now is not the best thing you can do for her or yourself, but process your grief and consider reaching out to her in the future.

Just a thought .
 
I agree and don't think you should put everything in one message. Maybe do an introductory message and then possibly a follow up. It's too much of a burden to put on your daughter all at once. I know it's a hugely emotive thing when your Dad is dying. And you might wonder if she might have wished she had told you before it was too late. But she might also wonder why it took till now for you to contact her. And think you're just looking for some comfort maybe? Just thinking how it might come across to an outsider. So I think you need to separate the two things.

Reach out to her, carefully, without too much emotional overload. Wait. It could also sound like emotional blackmail if you're not careful by telling her her Grandad is dying.
 
Can I suggest in tandem with the comments above maybe record a message or few from Grandad for her to recieve in the future.

It will allow you to get a modicum of control from the situation, allow you remove the emotion from reconnecting with your daughter and help come part way to meet your Dad's wishes.
 
Grief is an overwhelming emotion, you must let yourself feel it but never forget it will become manageable.

Not all of us have the opportunity to be there to support our parents at the end.

You are an example of what family means, be proud of your actions, I am certainly proud to hear that you are there for him.

I can only hope that I have a member of family around me in the same way when my time comes.

We are here for you as you need us! 🫂
 
My ex made sure my mum was on her death bed before filing for emergency proceedings. She wanted me at my absolute weakest.

Rightly or wrongly. I kept the two things absolutely separate. I told my mum nothing about family court stuff. I told the child and my ex nothing about my mum's condition. I held my mum as she passed 13 days after my first hearing. The news was shared with my child when she could next be in my arms. It is a different situation in many ways. Not without parallels though. Keeping the two things separate helped me to do what was needed of me on both sides. It was somehow cleaner that way.

I am only sharing a perspective from experience, not making recommendations.

✌️🕊️❤️
 
My ex even tried to use her mothers death and funeral to throw mud at me.

Made accusations i was driving up and down the road parallel to their house on the day of her funeral and while they were loading the coffin in the hearse and had my daughter looking out the car window crying, absolute lies.

The fact i was able to prove myself over 100 miles away on CCTV and using my bank cards was still lost on her.
 
It is brutal, there is no limit to this stuff. Mine told me time would be suspended if I went to funeral. I focused on the living, missed it 😢. RIP
I think she'd have understood.
 
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