Me again, this time the topic for opinions is how to deal with the issue of remarriage when your ex is already alienating your kids and obstructing contact with them. For background on that, please see my other post under advice for a complex case in child arrangements...
My partner and I are getting married in 3 weeks time. We are both anti-wedding so we aren't doing it in a conventional way. There are no guests, no service, none of the 'traditional' things. We do the legal bit with 2 witnesses which takes 10 minutes and then we have a special day planned together.
We've been together for 3 years (we started as an affair), officially a legitimate couple for 2 years and we live together outside of the UK with her 2 daughters, my step-daughters. Due to the affair, my ex-wife hates my partner, which is understandable and she is entitled to her opinion and feelings. However, the level of hatred, bitterness, jealousy and the actions she has since taken are completely disproportionate to her being betrayed and the ending of the marriage.
My children have known about my partner for over 2 years. When my ex found out about the affair she forced me to tell my children. My youngest was only 5 at that time. Naturally they were incredibly upset. I didn't feel we should be involving the children in our grown-up problems but she made so many threats I felt I had no choice but to do what she demanded. Not only did she make me tell the kids but she also informed everyone we knew, and I mean everyone, neighbours, friends, family, and even all of the school teachers. I was the outcast and my partner was, and still is, called every name under the sun, scum, mistress, HER, etc...
At the time through guilt and shame, I fully understood and sympathised, and although I didn't agree with her reaction, as I wanted the children to be kept out of it, I thought she would eventually calm down and after the divorce would move on and accept the situation.
This has never happened and the hatred is as potent now as it was in the beginning.
Because of those events and a very acrimonious split, my children were initially very wary about meeting my partner and I was very cautious too. We didn't broach this for a long time. Several months after the split, I started to carefully introduce the idea to them that I was with my partner, what she is really like, and was met with mixed reactions. It was clear that my ex had been talking to the kids about my partner as they knew things that hadn't come from me and she'd even been showing the kids pictures of her.
However, they were open to meeting my partner and my partner's children at some point down the line. Unfortunately it never happened as covid came along.
Fast forward to now, over the last 5 months I've seen my youngest child for 3 visits for the first time in over 14 months, and my middle child for one visit in over 18 months. I haven't seen my eldest child in all that time and none of my children currently speak to me on the phone or in messages.
My ex has also repeatedly told me in emails that I am not to talk about my life, where I live, my partner or my step-daughters and I'm not to introduce them unless she allows it.
When I've spoken to my daughters about these things during my recent visits they have shown enormous interest in my life, asking lots of questions and expressing huge enthusiasm about visiting my home in the future. My youngest in particular has had lots of contact with my partner via phone calls and video calls whilst I've had her and even made me buy presents for my partner which she chose and wrote on the gifts to my partner. They have both spoken positively about accepting that mummy and daddy are divorced and the new relationships on both sides. My ex has a partner and he lives with her and my kids along with his own young daughter. (I was only informed of this by my youngest). After my visits the kids have been interrogated by my ex and she has sent me emails claiming they are unhappy and I'm to stop any of these discussions.
Getting married will undoubtedly be a trigger for the ex to alienate further. This is something I want to tell my children as I don't want them to find out retrospectively or via a third-party and to then feel further excluded from my life. But I also have no way of telling them beforehand in person unless I do so in an email or WhatsApp message which isn't appropriate. I want to be able to explain to them and reassure them that it doesn't change how much I love them as no doubt she will spin it that I only care about my "new family".
Communication with my ex has completely broken down despite all of my best efforts to co-parent and be civil. Whatever way she finds out that we have married, her reaction will be the same, (and she will find out as she uses flying monkeys to stalk us), further alienation of the children and hostility to me and my partner.
As we are going to court for my CAO application, do I need to be seen to inform her of my marriage in relation to how it affects the kids and how I get the opportunity to tell the kids? I can show plenty of evidence which shows her refusal to co-parent and her hypocrisy in refusing to allow my children to meet my partner, for whom there are no safeguarding issues whatsoever (this hasn't yet been broached by the ex but we are fully expecting allegations as she's already alluded to threats).
I suspect she will accuse me of keeping the kids in the dark and use it against me with both them and the court. I'm trying to prevent that but don't want to make the situation worse than it already is.
My partner and I are getting married in 3 weeks time. We are both anti-wedding so we aren't doing it in a conventional way. There are no guests, no service, none of the 'traditional' things. We do the legal bit with 2 witnesses which takes 10 minutes and then we have a special day planned together.
We've been together for 3 years (we started as an affair), officially a legitimate couple for 2 years and we live together outside of the UK with her 2 daughters, my step-daughters. Due to the affair, my ex-wife hates my partner, which is understandable and she is entitled to her opinion and feelings. However, the level of hatred, bitterness, jealousy and the actions she has since taken are completely disproportionate to her being betrayed and the ending of the marriage.
My children have known about my partner for over 2 years. When my ex found out about the affair she forced me to tell my children. My youngest was only 5 at that time. Naturally they were incredibly upset. I didn't feel we should be involving the children in our grown-up problems but she made so many threats I felt I had no choice but to do what she demanded. Not only did she make me tell the kids but she also informed everyone we knew, and I mean everyone, neighbours, friends, family, and even all of the school teachers. I was the outcast and my partner was, and still is, called every name under the sun, scum, mistress, HER, etc...
At the time through guilt and shame, I fully understood and sympathised, and although I didn't agree with her reaction, as I wanted the children to be kept out of it, I thought she would eventually calm down and after the divorce would move on and accept the situation.
This has never happened and the hatred is as potent now as it was in the beginning.
Because of those events and a very acrimonious split, my children were initially very wary about meeting my partner and I was very cautious too. We didn't broach this for a long time. Several months after the split, I started to carefully introduce the idea to them that I was with my partner, what she is really like, and was met with mixed reactions. It was clear that my ex had been talking to the kids about my partner as they knew things that hadn't come from me and she'd even been showing the kids pictures of her.
However, they were open to meeting my partner and my partner's children at some point down the line. Unfortunately it never happened as covid came along.
Fast forward to now, over the last 5 months I've seen my youngest child for 3 visits for the first time in over 14 months, and my middle child for one visit in over 18 months. I haven't seen my eldest child in all that time and none of my children currently speak to me on the phone or in messages.
My ex has also repeatedly told me in emails that I am not to talk about my life, where I live, my partner or my step-daughters and I'm not to introduce them unless she allows it.
When I've spoken to my daughters about these things during my recent visits they have shown enormous interest in my life, asking lots of questions and expressing huge enthusiasm about visiting my home in the future. My youngest in particular has had lots of contact with my partner via phone calls and video calls whilst I've had her and even made me buy presents for my partner which she chose and wrote on the gifts to my partner. They have both spoken positively about accepting that mummy and daddy are divorced and the new relationships on both sides. My ex has a partner and he lives with her and my kids along with his own young daughter. (I was only informed of this by my youngest). After my visits the kids have been interrogated by my ex and she has sent me emails claiming they are unhappy and I'm to stop any of these discussions.
Getting married will undoubtedly be a trigger for the ex to alienate further. This is something I want to tell my children as I don't want them to find out retrospectively or via a third-party and to then feel further excluded from my life. But I also have no way of telling them beforehand in person unless I do so in an email or WhatsApp message which isn't appropriate. I want to be able to explain to them and reassure them that it doesn't change how much I love them as no doubt she will spin it that I only care about my "new family".
Communication with my ex has completely broken down despite all of my best efforts to co-parent and be civil. Whatever way she finds out that we have married, her reaction will be the same, (and she will find out as she uses flying monkeys to stalk us), further alienation of the children and hostility to me and my partner.
As we are going to court for my CAO application, do I need to be seen to inform her of my marriage in relation to how it affects the kids and how I get the opportunity to tell the kids? I can show plenty of evidence which shows her refusal to co-parent and her hypocrisy in refusing to allow my children to meet my partner, for whom there are no safeguarding issues whatsoever (this hasn't yet been broached by the ex but we are fully expecting allegations as she's already alluded to threats).
I suspect she will accuse me of keeping the kids in the dark and use it against me with both them and the court. I'm trying to prevent that but don't want to make the situation worse than it already is.