Journey of Self - Topic#3 - Managing Unpredictable Uncertainty!

[MagicJ]

"Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it"


Uncertainty about our future & that of our children is like the ebb & flow of the tide, yet it is far from being as predictable.
We try to build a new life for our children, taking two steps forward with our EX & finding they have knocked away the first step.

This is a unique & difficult challenge, one that each person can meet if we can learn how to adapt the way we build & manage our life.
Here are practical tips, taken from a few articles, counselling & experience:

ACCEPTANCE
Acceptance is not the same as resignation - accepting a situation doesn’t mean it will never get better.
Acceptance is about meeting life where it is, seeing the reality of the situation in the present moment and moving forward from there.

SET REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
Realistic expectations does not mean we are not striving for the highest outcome - instead they provide guaranteed firm ground to build upon.
Setting realistic expectations provide clarity, direction and accountability and help us to focus upon positive achievements

FOCUS on WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL
Letting go of what you cannot control doesn't mean we should ignore our emotions - it simply acknowledges we are only in charge of our own actions.
Our mental & emotional energy is not unlimited, it is a valuable resource & so we are choosing to spend it on positive actions with a direct impact.

POSITIVE TALK
Positive talk doesn't mean we should not look at worst case scenarios - remember it is one possibility & don't allow yourself to believe it is already reality.
Afterwards, we draw a line & remind ourselves of all the positive & beneficial aspects of our lives because our reality is directly shaped by what we think.

LOVE FLEXIBILITY
Changes to your plans are inevitable, so you embrace these as your strength - create a list of actions & activities for different lengths of time (2m-30m).
This should be for you, your child & both of you together, make the list big with wild ideas & as those moments arrive, you will find magic at your fingertips.

SELF CARE
Self care is actually a selfless act - an emotionally, mentally & physically healthy parent is one who will available, reliable & supportive for their child
Whilst waiting for things to quiet & settle, immerse yourself in nature, call a friend, reflect on what you are grateful for, do a creative project, get fit.

FIND YOUR MEANING (IKAGI)
Social psychologists define meaning as "an intellectual & emotional assessment of the degree to which we feel our lives have purpose, value & impact"
Today you're just in the transition space between what was familiar & your new destination - now is the time to explore the possibilities of what it could be.


"We must meet the uncertainties of this world with the certainty of the world to come."

Feel free to open a discussion on the thread, add your tips or experiences managing the dual challenge of unpredictable uncertainty.

MagicJ



RELEVANT RESOURCES:

IKAGI POST on the FORUM

Journey of Self - Intro & Discussion

Hey All. We are all experiencing the journey navigating the 'process' of what we must do but what about the impact on our 'self'? This is a series of threads to identify, discuss & understand what we are experiencing emotionally & mentally so we can gain a toolkit of how to work through these...

dadswithkids.co.uk

NHS BETTER MINDS - TIPS on CHANGE

How to deal with change and uncertainty - Every Mind Matters

See the 10 things you can do to look after your mental health and wellbeing in the face of change and uncertainty.

www.nhs.uk

 

[Ash]

One thing I'd add is that we never can predict the future or imagine our children as they are older - when they are teenagers and not children as such any more! All kinds of things can get thrown into the mix. Worrying about the future is natural, but it's important to "seize the day" so to speak and make all time spent with your children, memorable and special and build memories. That in itself, sows the seeds of a positive outcome in the future.

 

[Resolute]

One thing I'd add is that we never can predict the future or imagine our children as they are older - when they are teenagers and not children as such any more! All kinds of things can get thrown into the mix. Worrying about the future is natural, but it's important to "seize the day" so to speak and make all time spent with your children, memorable and special and build memories. That in itself, sows the seeds of a positive outcome in the future.

I agree so strongly with this Ash. Last night I had a long conversation with a dear old friend. She said I will reap the benefits of my efforts as my daughter grows up. I said I am reaping the benefits now! If things had gone to my ex's design, I would be a distant memory in my daughter's mind by now. She was 4 when this started. Simple time shared with my kid is the most valuable resource in all of this. There is nothing I would swap that for. It is the victory. An end in itself.

 

[MagicJ]

Very true @Resolute , a close friend constantly reminds me of the same.

Focus on what you want, quality time with your children and when you have it, spend that in the best way you can, that will speak volumes for them.

Good on you for sticking it out then, and even now through the recent challenges you have had to deal with.

 

[MagicJ]

We all face our challenges, be it the run to a court hearing, dealing with the aftermath or coming to terms with the final outcome.
At each stage, the struggle & it's ramifications are unique to each person but we take comfort & learn in the shared journey of our peers.

At every struggle, there is opportunity.
In every opportunity we grow.
Our growth transforms us in ways we cannot plan.
This change is the catalyst to grow stronger.
Our new found strength is the foundation for our future
Upon that foundation we benefit the lives of ourselves, our children & our community.

Stay calm & look after yourself for change requires focus & energy - to re-emerge like a Phoenix from the Ashes!

 

[MagicJ]

I've recently found myself looking at how I can start to live my life and parent towards the future whilst working the process and with all this uncertainty.

To this end I created an Anxiety Timeline:

- A 6m timeline
- Listed each event could cause anxiety.
- Ranked each with a level of possible anxiety, on a scale of 1-5.

I've then looked at what I need to do for each level from 1-5, to combat that anxiety.

This has meant I can prepare and pre-empt every occurrence allowing me to hopefully focussing on myself, the kids and future growth for all of us - as opposed to allowing my anxiety hold me back.

Maybe you could try this exercise too and see if it helps!

 

[Peanut 21]

Must have missed the original post Magic.
I agree with the tips.
I think knowing you've tried your best for your kids should be added. No one can take that away from you.