Dealing with exes new partner spending more time with my 18 month old son than me ☹

[OliverR]

I'm having trouble adjusting to knowing that my exes partner will spend more time with my 18 month old son than me . I'm worried he won't know who is dad is given that my ex will only let me see him 1 day a week and not take him on holiday.

Is this normal and what are the best ways of dealing with feeling sad when your not with your child?

 

[Ash]

It's a tricky one when an 18 month old has not yet fully learned to speak. He will know who his Dad is if both parents tell him. If you're worried your ex will tell him her partner is his Dad, well you have legal recourse there. Keep records. Make notes. Keep all emails and texts. How do you find her new partner? Is he ok? Are things reasonably amicable? Just because he is there more doesn't mean he has the same level of relationship and no doubt he is out working a lot. Children adapt to situations. Yes your son may experience a "family" situation with your ex and partner, and a different situation with you but they are not comparable - it's about the love and bond with a parent, not just the situation. On a positive side, your son will look forward to seeing you because he sees you less. But I understand it's hard. In 6 months time, if your ex will not agree to more time, you could apply to court. Could you do 50/50? When you say one day a week - is that also one night a week? Nights are counted with previous time. However if it's 2 days and one night you could highlight that too.

It's normal to miss your child and feel something is missing. I found the best way was to keep busy preparing for when my son was coming next - by planning things to do with him, organising stuff at home for him (sorting his room, thinking what we would eat, where we would go), even reading child development websites and watching parenting programs on TV - anything that was child related that helped me feel connected when he wasn;t there.

Maybe you could keep amicably trying to suggest that a midweek overnight would benefit your son and give her a night off. But sadly many of these exes are "up" on the system and know that extra nights means less CM payments and means you're more likely to get a better order in future.

You don't necessarily need to wait till your son is two - it takes a few months to get to a final hearing. You could apply now for the same time as now plus a midweek visit or overnight, progressing to a full schedule when he is two and a term time schedule when he starts school age 4 - all in one order, You are likely to get a good result if you can show that you have bent over backwards to be amicable and reasonable and to resolve matters without court. Hence writing a polite friendly email with child focused proposals and attempting mediation before court.

The idea of a polite friendly email with your proposals is - even if it doesn't work - it's evidence for final hearing - what you tried to achieve, reasonably and what your ex's response was. If she doesn't respond by text or email but just verbally, then type out a diary note of what her response was - that can also be evidence.

 

[Ash]

As an example, my ex met a new partner when my son was 2 and not fully talking. He already knew me well as Daddy, since birth and was used to two separate homes. Her new partner had two kids who called him Dad. My son copied them and my ex encouraged this. But my son was defiantly competitive! And would say - my Daddy's better than your Daddy - lol. So even though he called him "Dad" he knew who Daddy was to him. I was Daddy, he was "Dad" - but he didn't feel the same way.

It got more serious by the time my son started school when my ex was actively telling my son that her husband was his "real Dad". My son was telling me I was not his real Dad. I would explain to him that I was and perhaps the word "real" was confusing - I was the Dad who made him and was part of him and Mum's husband was a man she married who is his "stepdad". However he believed his Mum. It was quite bizarre - he would still behave like my son, look forward to seeing me and called me Daddy and much love between us - he didn't correlate that with "words" and meanings. But eventually I just showed him his birth certificate to prove to him that I was his "real Dad". That did it. But can you imagine then how confused a kid is knowing their Mum has told them something that is wrong? I think he just stopped thinking about it and accepted the truth.

 

[OliverR]

Thanks for your reply Ash really appreciate it . Well she is not seeing anyone as yet as we are currently on the rocks regarding our relationship. Story is my son was born Jan 2021 we were together until the July of that year living in my home which I'd owned 5 year previous to meeting my partner . She started drinking and arguing alot , I'm not a big drinker myself but it turns out she is. She would get nasty and the next day act like nothing ever happened. I was depressed and told her I didn't love her as I just wanted her to go and I knew that she would take our son with her , may seem to some that I shirkes responsibility but it really wasn't like that . I knew that she would go to her mums where she lived before she moved in with me so it wasn't like she had nowhere to go .

What Followed was s few months of accusations, saying I kicked her out , made her homeless , she was in a hostel because her mum kicked her out , it was all lies . Her mum unfortunately I'd also a drinker and controls her daughter and I know enough about her to know she will have loved her grandson there living with her .


Rather than sort things between us she got a solicitor involved and got pretty nasty saying I'd ignored nappy rash etc and I was constantly questioning arrangements basically upsetting the routine her and her mother had set and offered one Saturday 9am with overnight stay returning Sunday at 9am every other weekend plus a couple of hours on a Tuesday week night each week. I thought this was unfair as the week evenings were rushed for me and the quality time would be spent on the weekend . I exchanged a solicitors letter asking for every other weekend . Things were nasty I asked to speak to her in person and sort something, she eventually agreed although she said I was trying to trick her in the beginning. We agreed that I have him every other Saturday then the following Sunday alternating as she didn't want to go without for a whole weekend . We got on so agreed to met again and try tk co parent . Now this might sound crazy but we got back together and although lived separately did things with our son aswell as dates again however although not as bad as before we have fallen out several times . We maintained the access although we were trying again . My problem was burying the nastiness of that solicitors letter . I constantly think I'm doing the wrong thing and the relationship won't last and to get out before my son knows what's going on . I'm at a crossroads now knowing I will have less time to see him but may find a better suited partner or stay in the relationship and try and make the best of it . My original post is a worry I have regarding a new partner to my ex / father figure to my son as there is someone in the back ground that I know will be on the scene if we end things and he is quite immature and won't be ideal around my son . Regarding my access I have kept a log of my times with my son and a few days I've helped out when he was too sick to go to nursery . I am on the birth certificate but do not have the copy , but I haven't checked I think I may be able to get a copy .

 

[Ash]

So when you say you've got back together - are you still living in different places? What do you think would make the relationship work? Drinking can be a big issue. Maybe try couples counselling? That could also help with any trust issues. I would try not to worry about whether or not the relationship will last. If it doesn't, then your child will get used to two separate homes and you'll be in a better position for a 50/50 order.

As a guideline though, the arrangement of Saturday one week, overnight, and Sunday the next week, is not bad for a child that age - providing you also have a midweek overnight. Although these are short times it's good for the child and your relationship - a balance of midweek time and week-end quality time. If you're working you could pick up at 5 or 6 pm maybe and drop back on the way to work the next morning.

These are all issues separated parents have to work out and many would leap at the chance of midweek overnight time, despite the difficulties with work etc. It takes some adjusting to sharing out the responsibilities (which has its benefits as well). Some people adjust work hours or use flexi time.

Sounds like there is hope actually, if you have some couples counselling and her drinking can be resolved. If you want it to work, maybe try and focus on being good parents - a team in that respect - at least then if the relationship doesn't work out there is groundwork done towards good co parenting and trust as parents.

 

[Ash]

I can't advise obviously. If you know this relationship is bad for you and would make you unhappy and not be good for the child to see, then it sounds like a gut feeling that this is not the relationship for you. But then you're still a parent. It helps if people can separate amicably and support each other a bit even after separation. Keeping it reasonably amicable. The hard thing for most is the idea of not seeing their child every day. But a good routine can make it good for both of you and the child.

An ideal routine is every other week-end and two midweek nights each - 2-2-5-5. What that means is you have the child two consecutive nights midweek (when they get to school this works well) and a full week-end each every other week-end from Friday through to Monday morning. So one week the two midweek nights would be tacked onto the weekend (making 5 nights), the following week you'd have two nights and so on. Child is never away from either parent for more than 5 nights and it's more equal and gives both the opportunity to work and have a life.

Either of you could get new partners if you separated and your gf may also have anxieties about this. So it's something to talk about - that you will both always respect being the child's parent, even if either of you meets someone else (although obviously only have that conversation if you actually split up).

 

[OliverR]

We haven't been living together we agreed she would rent somewhere as she already had a place of her own in the works before we got back together . We have been spending the best part of the week together . I'm just in limbo over weather it will work with so much water under the bridge . She also regularly let's me know that ultimately she makes the ultimate decision with X and can be quite childish where he is concerned and I wonder if it's a good basis for a relationship long term . I currently own my own home where she is renting , the end goal would obviously be to buy a house and live together but I'm not sure I would trust her completely after the solicitor letter . It almost sounds irresponsible having a child with someone I now feel I'm not compatible with but I don't regret him for the world and ultimately want it to work but I think it will challenging as her family all drink socially and all gatherings normally end with drinking and arguing .

 

[Ash]

Couples counselling might help though. Difficult if there is a culture of drinking in her family as she might find it hard not to be involved, but it's possible. It would also be concerning leaving your child with a load of drunk people! When you say she says she makes the ultimate decisions with your son, that doesn't sound like being a couple or parents. Not very equal. In what way does she make the ultimate decision? What he eats? What he wears? Where he goes to nursery? Assume you still have feelings for her or are you just trying to make it work for your son?

 

[OliverR]

Yes when we had split I'd heard at least once that my ex was spotted with her mum drunk with our son . I also turned up one evening recently when she was drunk with our son .

By ultimate decisions I mean in conversation for example she said I couldn't pick him up from nursery for a while because only her and her mum know the password and when I asked why I couldn't have it she said because I might run away with him !! Something I've never done or attempted by the way , it's just ridiculous to say that. We weren't together at Christmas and although I had the Christmas eve and Christmas day until 12 noon I never got to see him for any of the days between Christmas and New year something we had loosely talked about leading up to Christmas as we both have annual shutdown at that time. She said she was busy when I know she wasn't, when I brought it up recently she told me over a that she was more than fair and that her solicitor had told her that she was intiled to full custody if she wanted it and could go for it , so I was lucky!!

She constantly brings up that her and her mum do 95 percent of things for Oliver and my family don't help , as I'd mentioned her mum is controlling and has been quoted as saying over my dead body when my ex had asked for my mum to have my son one day a week . When we split I offered to have him on a Friday night when they were ill to give her and her mum a break but my response from her mum was " we have him every other friday so we will have him this one" my ex has also threatened me with the idea of them moving to Spain. I've also had a couple of occasions when my ex was struggling with mental health has not let me see Oliver as she was too ill and wanted him there with her , her mum leaving me this message on my answer phone at 11.45pm to telling me I couldn't have him the next day .

She only the other day said she is taking him away for a weekend at the end of this month , I'd asked for a day extra with him to compensate and she said no and then accused me of depriving him a holiday . I sometimes think I'm the only adult between us and that includes her mum!!

As regards to our relationship, I honestly don't know how I feel about her right now because I constantly question why she would send a solicitors letter or at least a solicitors letter that included lies about nappy rash neglect etc . I feel trapped at times between a life with her where I'd ultimately get to see my son grow daily and one where I will miss out on alot of things . I mean we can have a laugh and get on but I'm always waiting for a row with her or for the next time she gets drunk so ultimately my answer to your question would be if there was no child we wouldn't be together .

 

[Ash]

It sounds a bit complicated. First thing is - all the stuff that happened - the solicitors letter etc - was after you split up. This is very common. You had a taste of what happens when people split up, there is animosity and it becomes about what happens with the child. Solicitors are mainly pro Mum. It's always a shock getting a solicitors letter like that but in the bigger picture it means nothing. It's just a load of nasty waffle. But it does show your ex is capable of making allegations about you. As you have got back together since then, that undermines anything she said before.

I'm still a bit confused about how you're back together but she still only lets you see the child certain days.

Ok so it sounds like your part thinking like someone in a relationship (the things she says to you) and part thinking like someone who is separated.

So maybe try and break it down. If you're back together at the moment, presumably you do things together with your child and see him at the same time? Or is it not a "proper" back together, in that she is still behaving like you're separated even though you're back together - by behaving like the sole parent?

Another thing to think about is fear. Once people split up there is no trust - she may well fear that you may "take the child". It's an irrational fear but it's about her wanting to keep control of the child when the relationship has ended, as her only power perhaps. Basically she is controlling when and how you can see your son.

Or was all that before you got back together? Her Mum sounds like a problem. Presumably she got more involved when you split up.

How are things at the moment, now you're back together? Are you acting like parents/a couple? I think if making a go of it, you need to try and rebuild trust, which is not easy - as you say, you had that nasty solicitor letter, she felt "thrown out". That's how couple counselling might help - to rebuild trust.

 

[OliverR]

Things aren't great , we agreed just after christmas that we would live in seperate houses for a few months as she had a house lined up. Theres alot of water under the bridge and because of the drinking and how it made me feel at the time i suggested it was the only way to get something back without the risk of her giving up her home and move back in with me for it to end badly again. Ok it doesnt sound perfect but i wanted to see if it would work for us. Before she moved into her house she was at her mums and we would spend an evening a week and the weekend together with our son which i agree isnt much but her controlling mum interfered alot. Since she has moved into her house we have been together 80 percent of the week . We would both do things together at the weekend but kept our days so that my family would get time with my son. However in this time she has accused me of seeing someone else and plenty of other things thrown at me . But her mental state isnt good at this moment and her family have accused me of mental torture and stringing her along. She ultimately want us under the same roof and so do i but im scared to commit to this so soon incase we end up back where we were before . Id previously had a wobble about whether getting back together was a good idea and within a few days she had been unfaithful with another guy who she dated abit before we got back together , knowing this guy is in the background has also played its part in me although in two minds trying to make it work.

 

[Ash]

During the period you broke up you were technically both free to see others - so best to draw a line under that. Couples counselling might help. Everyone is on edge because the relationship ended before and if you come across as half hearted they will be anxious it happens again. I understand your concern for the future though. The commitment. There's no reason why you can't keep finances separate, and things in separate names even if you got married. But if you did get married she'd have a right to something from the house if you ever separated.

It's a bit of a rock and a hard place - without commitment the trust will be shaky and affect the relationship. With the commitment you risk losing out if she ever ends the relationship. But sometimes you just have to forge forwards and make a home and family life. I'd try the couples counselling - it might help with confidence on both sides and keep her family out of things a bit more.