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Coping with it?

DadLad

DadLad

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Afternoon people,

I just wanted some advice from people’s previous experience of this topic.

How have people coped with the thought of another man/ woman who you have never met around your children?

And also the said man/ women being around your children more than you and also being potentially called Dad/Mum in the future.
 
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It's one of the biggest absurdities of the system in my opinion that a Father can be fighting an uphill battle to maintain contact arrangements with his own biological children but then playing happy families as a step Dad with little or no questions asked.

To answer the question it's not something I've been keen on but ultimately there's not really anything you can do (assuming the step parent isn't abusive etc). You have to concentrate on your own time with the kids and not let such things fester.

Personally it wouldn't be for me (the idea of being around someone else's kids more than my own) but this place has a good range of experiences so hopefully others may be able to shed some light on that.
 
I was quite laid back about it. The new bloke was a good influence on my ex and had kids of his own. I wasn't that happy when my son started calling him Dad, but accepted he was just doing it the same as the other kids - copying them and not wanting to feel different. I was Daddy so there was a difference. That got more difficult when he got older but he just calls both Dad, but knows who his Dad is, if that makes sense.

My ex however wasn't laid back about me having a new partner (which is very common) and caused no end of trouble. I was careful that my son didn't call my partner "Mummy" as I knew that would not go down well and wasn't really appropriate. Despite all this thoughtfulness, my ex was still a nightmare about it.

It really depends on what your ex is like. If she is one who wants to replace Dad with the new man then that is an issue. I wouldn't worry about the kid calling them Dad as long as they still know you're their Dad (in my case my ex tried to get my son to start calling me by my Christian name which was a big red flag and got knocked on the head at court).

Things can change over time as well. I found the stepdad reasonably helpful on some occasions - in smoothing things over. Initially. But once they had a child of their own my ex got worse and it ended up in court and the stepdad hates my guts now. He's looking out for his own family and situation now.
 
So it's behaviour, rather than names you need to look out for. If you can get on (at a distance) with the new guy, it can be helpful. I know stepdad talked my ex out of stopping contact a few times (he didn't want the hassle of court). Initially she was keen to impress him as well. Now he is just dominated :rolleyes:
 
Ash said:
So it's behaviour, rather than names you need to look out for. If you can get on (at a distance) with the new guy, it can be helpful. I know stepdad talked my ex out of stopping contact a few times (he didn't want the hassle of court). Initially she was keen to impress him as well. Now he is just dominated :rolleyes:
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They always end up repeating the same behaviour. And eventually they show their true colours from my experiences thus far.

I just can’t let go of knowing that another person who I don’t even know is seeing my child more than me. it’s heartbreaking and also infuriating.
 
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That is very difficult. But it's important not to blow it out of proportion. He's not like a Dad like you are, he may not even see the child that much or be that involved if working and leaving everything up to Mum. For the kids, they are very accepting and just like both parents having new partners and accepting them. The danger signs would be if your ex starts trying to replace you by telling the child stepdad is the new Dad or something.

Try to focus on the times you have together and making memories and making them good times. It's always hard when they're not there and you want to see them more. How often do you see your child at the moment?
 
it’s been 18 months since I last seen them, while she’s keeping up appearances and moving a new man in.
 
Sorry I hadn't caught up with where you were at. That is really really tough if you're not seeing them at all. I am really sorry you're having this. Where are you at with the court processes? Sometimes counselling can help if things get too much, or you can just keep coming on here. When there's nothing you can do about it, then just have faith that your kids still know and love you even if they don't see you. That will still be there and also when they do see you. Hang in there.
 
I think what hurts the most is not knowing what my child looks like. Missing significant landmarks in their life. My child won’t remember me but she has a man in my place pretending to play happy families.

I feel completely helpless because when you speak up and raise your concerns with the relevant services you end up with a NMO. We are silenced and left with the narrative of being the villain while they manipulate the system and destroy a childs life.

I’m eagerly awaiting for a date for the FHDRA (there’s the usual backlog)

Every day I’m hoping 🙏
 
Sorry to hear that, the 18 months.

Do you mind me asking why the nmo arose.

Ash makes a good point on the new step Dad being a potential ally. I can't say I like my exs new partner given how things happened when we separated etc but my ex would be a lot more volatile if on her own.
 
Roblox said:
Sorry to hear that, the 18 months.

Do you mind me asking why the nmo arose.

Ash makes a good point on the new step Dad being a potential ally. I can't say I like my exs new partner given how things happened when we separated etc but my ex would be a lot more volatile if on her own.
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NMO raised for harassment for contacting social services and for the mediator contacting her asking her to attend mediation.

Dismissed case any way.
 
DadLad said:
NMO raised for harassment for contacting social services and for the mediator contacting her asking her to attend mediation.

Dismissed case any way.
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That's ridiculous. What's the situation now? Have you attended court/mediation or seen your child yet?
 
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