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Coping with grief
- Thread starter DadLad
- Start date
I continue to exercise trying to get a walk or weights workout done daily. Moving the body helps to get the mind unstuck.
For three months I cried every day and acknowledged the trauma. Seven months later I still sob on occasions, I let it come. I talk with friends and family and try and be totally open about how low I feel. I know that I have been deeply depressed and I requested anti-depressants. The gp agreed that they were needed but the prescription never arrived. As I've made it this far I will push on without them and keep it off my medical records. Time seems to be helping a little.
I wake up throughout the night, processing all the stuff. I play a podcast and set a 15 minute timer to turn it off which enables me to shut the monkey mind off and fall asleep. Some nights I wake 5 or 6 times.
Thank you for sharing your story and opening up, talking definitely does help. You seem to be aware of your emotions and you have methods that help you.
For me, it was extremely hard at first, it still is hard but the pain isn’t as intense and I think that is down to time.
Almost 3 years apart and no contact, not even a picture until recently. Christmas and Birthday’s are still tough, and other significant life events.
I do cry often, and I know this is grief because of how deep down in my soul it hurts from missing them.
I’ve felt like I’ve almost lost myself over these 3 years because of how much this has consumed me. I’ve never turned to substances or alcohol etc. I mean I just feel lost and unhappy, I don’t feel myself, feeling empty and all this endless waiting, court process etc.
I have taken myself away on holidays, I have self help books and I go on walks sometimes but these are just temporary measures. The pain is still there, and one thing I’ve learned about grief is that it’s love with no place to go.
Almost 3 years apart and no contact, not even a picture until recently. Christmas and Birthday’s are still tough, and other significant life events.
I do cry often, and I know this is grief because of how deep down in my soul it hurts from missing them.
I’ve felt like I’ve almost lost myself over these 3 years because of how much this has consumed me. I’ve never turned to substances or alcohol etc. I mean I just feel lost and unhappy, I don’t feel myself, feeling empty and all this endless waiting, court process etc.
I have taken myself away on holidays, I have self help books and I go on walks sometimes but these are just temporary measures. The pain is still there, and one thing I’ve learned about grief is that it’s love with no place to go.
It makes me think, if adults feel this awful, the helplessness and extreme sadness, how do the kids feel?
I've supported my partner through the sleepless nights and dark days. It's gut wrenching not being to help.
Sometimes all I can do is encourage him out on a walk or just be there.
If you can survive this grief. You can survive anything.
I've supported my partner through the sleepless nights and dark days. It's gut wrenching not being to help.
Sometimes all I can do is encourage him out on a walk or just be there.
If you can survive this grief. You can survive anything.
The only thing partners and family can do is just be there. Unfortunately they can’t take away the pain, it’s something only the individual can process and heal from.
I would love just 5 minutes to give them a hug and say daddy loves you.
Accepting it as grief is a good start.
Grieving for your living child/children is without a doubt one of the worst things you could ever experience.
Grief for the deceased is healed by time and realisation that it wont bring that person back. Ultimately, you learn to live with it. But grieving for your living children is something different entirely. You know they are out there, living without you, when they should be spending time with you. And that is a dagger in the heart that feels like it can't be pulled out.
Openly accepting this situation is a path to healing though. Channelling the grief into fuel to fight is really important. We are in a fight for our rights to be dads. And despite all the negativity surrounding Family Law. We must hold onto what the law says.
A women cannot legally deny the father of her children access to them unless there are significant welfare risks to the child/children or it is not in their best interests.
And that decision is made by a Family Court. Not unilaterally by a selfish, self-entitled ex.
Its normal, and in many ways, perfectly healthy, to shed those tears and vent all of the powerful emotions in those early days, as the shock turns to despair. But like all experiences in life, feelings evolve, and once you've let it all out and come to terms with it, it's time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get in the fight.
If the ex has got nothing on you, she will run out of road eventually. Ultimately, nobody is perfect. We all have some skeletons. A couple of demons. Does that mean you're a welfare risk. Not always. Does that mean your kids can't have you in their lives? No, it doesn't.
No matter how much she tries to convince the court that your minor shortcommings are enormuos mountains, it all has to be proven. And you can't prove something that didn't happen or doesn't exist.
This is fundamentally the issue with the current court process. They can and will exaust the welfare risk list, in order to drag you through the fire in the hope you surrender.
Buckle-up, and out-fight her.
Grieving for your living child/children is without a doubt one of the worst things you could ever experience.
Grief for the deceased is healed by time and realisation that it wont bring that person back. Ultimately, you learn to live with it. But grieving for your living children is something different entirely. You know they are out there, living without you, when they should be spending time with you. And that is a dagger in the heart that feels like it can't be pulled out.
Openly accepting this situation is a path to healing though. Channelling the grief into fuel to fight is really important. We are in a fight for our rights to be dads. And despite all the negativity surrounding Family Law. We must hold onto what the law says.
A women cannot legally deny the father of her children access to them unless there are significant welfare risks to the child/children or it is not in their best interests.
And that decision is made by a Family Court. Not unilaterally by a selfish, self-entitled ex.
Its normal, and in many ways, perfectly healthy, to shed those tears and vent all of the powerful emotions in those early days, as the shock turns to despair. But like all experiences in life, feelings evolve, and once you've let it all out and come to terms with it, it's time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get in the fight.
If the ex has got nothing on you, she will run out of road eventually. Ultimately, nobody is perfect. We all have some skeletons. A couple of demons. Does that mean you're a welfare risk. Not always. Does that mean your kids can't have you in their lives? No, it doesn't.
No matter how much she tries to convince the court that your minor shortcommings are enormuos mountains, it all has to be proven. And you can't prove something that didn't happen or doesn't exist.
This is fundamentally the issue with the current court process. They can and will exaust the welfare risk list, in order to drag you through the fire in the hope you surrender.
Buckle-up, and out-fight her.
Seeking support for when things get too much is not weakness and is essential for helping seeing the process out until the end.
https://dadswithkids.co.uk/threads/mind-health-first-aid.314/#post-19416
https://dadswithkids.co.uk/threads/mind-health-first-aid.314/#post-19416
Loving the positive posts Kyle.
You're right. The mothers make the dads feel they have something over them. Which is a form of abuse BTW. Abuse from afar.
You also have to hold onto the hope that one day the children learn the truth. Then be there for them to help them heal.
You're right. The mothers make the dads feel they have something over them. Which is a form of abuse BTW. Abuse from afar.
You also have to hold onto the hope that one day the children learn the truth. Then be there for them to help them heal.
I find it absolutely disgusting that these people can so freely destroy a child's life and deny them their rights.
They cause them immense amounts of suffering and trauma and years later we have to pick up the pieces and help them to heal from the ptsd and abuse.
Why is this blatant abuse allowed to happen?
They cause them immense amounts of suffering and trauma and years later we have to pick up the pieces and help them to heal from the ptsd and abuse.
Why is this blatant abuse allowed to happen?
The majority of the time, when the lies run out, and the allegations stop, and the truth finally comes to light.
Due to the length of time it has taken going through the court process, the children are already damaged because of this.
I find it so heartbreaking that thousands of children are being failed, stuck in this same scenario and they wonder why our society is so broken.
When I received a letter out of the blue 9 months after separation causing me of allsorts!! Mentally incapable, neglect, mentally I’ll, alcoholic, emotional and psychological abuse, potential child abduction, apparent safeguarding concerns from nursery, stalking and harassment, control & coercive behaviour, financial control and then stupid things like sending my daughter back to mum unwashed, un fed, teeth not brushed, sending her home in no socks or underwear…… and as a result my daughter will no longer see me!
I can only describe as going into shock! Didn’t sleep for 3 nights, couldn’t even look at my daughter belongings without breaking down into tears! I couldn’t get out of bed for about a week. I cut off all family and friends and didn’t answer my phone, I didn’t go to work. I just went into massive shock! Was violently sick when ever I eat. It was horrendous!!!
First I started talking to family, then friends, they convinced me to go to doctors, i started therapy but it took a good 2 months before I could function properly. First I went back to work, then started to socialise, then started playing drums, then came the football. It took me about 3-4 months but even still I was crying a lot, losing weight still. I really found strength in my daughter and being me again for her. Then I started reading self help books to understand what narcissism was which ran alongside my therapy. This helped me understand how my ex was and what she was doing, why she was doing it and I found quite a lot of comfort in this. Breaking it down and analysing it. Over the 3/4 months I also discovered a massive determination to do all i could to prove them wrong. Once I realise they actually wanted to break me it actually started to heal me. I’m still in therapy now and I’m still reading books about co parenting with a narcissist etc and also researched other things that’s been posed on here for example “parental enmeshment”. I went to the library and got books on family law which has lead to me going back to uni in Sept to actually study law. Family law being my specialist area. Basically my experience is making me want to support other dads out there in the future. My sleep is back to normal, i have put a stone back on although I could have done without that
. I’m not suffering with shortness of breath anxiety like I was before, verging on panic attacks. I have met a new partner recently who is massively supportive and understands my dedication to my daughter and the court case.
It still saddens me on a daily basis what these people have done to me and my daughter and what they are doing to you guys as well. I don’t think that will ever leave me for the rest of my life if I’m honest. It’s a matter of reaching ourselves how to cope with rot whatever that may be
I can only describe as going into shock! Didn’t sleep for 3 nights, couldn’t even look at my daughter belongings without breaking down into tears! I couldn’t get out of bed for about a week. I cut off all family and friends and didn’t answer my phone, I didn’t go to work. I just went into massive shock! Was violently sick when ever I eat. It was horrendous!!!
First I started talking to family, then friends, they convinced me to go to doctors, i started therapy but it took a good 2 months before I could function properly. First I went back to work, then started to socialise, then started playing drums, then came the football. It took me about 3-4 months but even still I was crying a lot, losing weight still. I really found strength in my daughter and being me again for her. Then I started reading self help books to understand what narcissism was which ran alongside my therapy. This helped me understand how my ex was and what she was doing, why she was doing it and I found quite a lot of comfort in this. Breaking it down and analysing it. Over the 3/4 months I also discovered a massive determination to do all i could to prove them wrong. Once I realise they actually wanted to break me it actually started to heal me. I’m still in therapy now and I’m still reading books about co parenting with a narcissist etc and also researched other things that’s been posed on here for example “parental enmeshment”. I went to the library and got books on family law which has lead to me going back to uni in Sept to actually study law. Family law being my specialist area. Basically my experience is making me want to support other dads out there in the future. My sleep is back to normal, i have put a stone back on although I could have done without that
. I’m not suffering with shortness of breath anxiety like I was before, verging on panic attacks. I have met a new partner recently who is massively supportive and understands my dedication to my daughter and the court case. It still saddens me on a daily basis what these people have done to me and my daughter and what they are doing to you guys as well. I don’t think that will ever leave me for the rest of my life if I’m honest. It’s a matter of reaching ourselves how to cope with rot whatever that may be
When I received a letter out of the blue 9 months after separation causing me of allsorts!! Mentally incapable, neglect, mentally I’ll, alcoholic, emotional and psychological abuse, potential child abduction, apparent safeguarding concerns from nursery, stalking and harassment, control & coercive behaviour, financial control and then stupid things like sending my daughter back to mum unwashed, un fed, teeth not brushed, sending her home in no socks or underwear…… and as a result my daughter will no longer see me!
I can only describe as going into shock! Didn’t sleep for 3 nights, couldn’t even look at my daughter belongings without breaking down into tears! I couldn’t get out of bed for about a week. I cut off all family and friends and didn’t answer my phone, I didn’t go to work. I just went into massive shock! Was violently sick when ever I eat. It was horrendous!!!
First I started talking to family, then friends, they convinced me to go to doctors, i started therapy but it took a good 2 months before I could function properly. First I went back to work, then started to socialise, then started playing drums, then came the football. It took me about 3-4 months but even still I was crying a lot, losing weight still. I really found strength in my daughter and being me again for her. Then I started reading self help books to understand what narcissism was which ran alongside my therapy. This helped me understand how my ex was and what she was doing, why she was doing it and I found quite a lot of comfort in this. Breaking it down and analysing it. Over the 3/4 months I also discovered a massive determination to do all i could to prove them wrong. Once I realise they actually wanted to break me it actually started to heal me. I’m still in therapy now and I’m still reading books about co parenting with a narcissist etc and also researched other things that’s been posed on here for example “parental enmeshment”. I went to the library and got books on family law which has lead to me going back to uni in Sept to actually study law. Family law being my specialist area. Basically my experience is making me want to support other dads out there in the future. My sleep is back to normal, i have put a stone back on although I could have done without that
It still saddens me on a daily basis what these people have done to me and my daughter and what they are doing to you guys as well. I don’t think that will ever leave me for the rest of my life if I’m honest. It’s a matter of reaching ourselves how to cope with rot whatever that may be
Without sounding patronising, you need to be extremely proud of yourself. You did all of the above by yourself for your kids.
All we can do as parents in these awful situations is to ensure that we are the best version of ourselves for our kids.
That is one thing that these monsters can’t take away from us.
Agree with Kyle you need to channel it into fighting and not giving up. But with such long waits and long court cases that isn’t always easy. I went through it when my son was semi alienated. I was actually still seeing him but it’s like he wasn’t there and was suffering. PA is so evil - the alienator damages the child to get to you and hurt you. I nearly gave up just to stop his suffering and stop my ex turning him into this damaged confused hostile child. Then I imagined giving up and realised I’d never know how he was and was leaving him with this abusive person - so that helped me keep fighting.
Also had periods where “contact” was stopped a few times - I think the longest was three weeks but it was a living hell. So I can’t imagine how hard it is when it’s for a really long time. All I do know is - the kids think about you. They hope - that Dad will fix it. They want to see you but have to hide it.
There is a distinct lack of emotion and empathy on the family court process for the grief caused.
At times I used to write emails to a separate email account - to talk to my son. I’ll probably never show them to him though as they would upset him.
Also had periods where “contact” was stopped a few times - I think the longest was three weeks but it was a living hell. So I can’t imagine how hard it is when it’s for a really long time. All I do know is - the kids think about you. They hope - that Dad will fix it. They want to see you but have to hide it.
There is a distinct lack of emotion and empathy on the family court process for the grief caused.
At times I used to write emails to a separate email account - to talk to my son. I’ll probably never show them to him though as they would upset him.
Grazie mille!
I really do appreciate that very much.
Platforms like this make a huge difference to us dads. This thread alone I’m sure is helping dads out there who is struggling to see they are not alone in this terrible injustice against dads. Peace and love
Just remember - the bond is there. It’s intrinsic. The kids are just waiting too - they don’t know what for.
I had about a year’s wait for a second final order - the alienation stopped after an interim order as my ex was on rocky ground so decided to pretend everything was ok. That is when you can slip into a false sense of security. But keep remembering the bad bits. You win by getting the best order possible as that reduces her power. If she disrupts or frustrates the time - there are ways to deal with that.
I had about a year’s wait for a second final order - the alienation stopped after an interim order as my ex was on rocky ground so decided to pretend everything was ok. That is when you can slip into a false sense of security. But keep remembering the bad bits. You win by getting the best order possible as that reduces her power. If she disrupts or frustrates the time - there are ways to deal with that.
Yes, I can’t imagine how much strength it takes for you dads who are going crazy lengths of time without seeing the little ones. Like @Ash longest I went was about 3-4 weeks and it took me to the brink of despair and possibly making silly mistakes. Luckily I got strength from the little one and how upset she wound be if I fell into their trap and proved them right. Power to all you dads who are coping with long periods of time and keep getting out of bed fighting for them every day
I’m almost 3 years in of no contact.
My perseverance, commitment and determination is my strength.
“If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.”
I will be the greatest version of myself for my kids, and that is something that can’t get taken away from me.
My perseverance, commitment and determination is my strength.
“If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.”
I will be the greatest version of myself for my kids, and that is something that can’t get taken away from me.