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Balancing life - New partner & Daughter

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Deakers

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Hi everyone. This is only my second post on here so bare with me. I'll be honest I've only used the site when I've needed help and nowhere else to turn. The advice I was given from my previous post helped massively with my ex partner and sorting out co-parenting arrangements. We have been through mediation and finally at this point things with co-parenting seem settled.

Unfortunately, there has been a knock on effect from my settled life with my daughter, and that is with my current relationship. I still have no court order in place, only an agreement with my ex for how much time my daughter will spend with each of us as parents. My ex is still very much adamant that my current partner will not be meeting my daughter. I am fearful that introducing them will result in my ex stopping contact, or restricting contact. There have previously been elements of parental alienation without me introducing my current partner to my daughter.

My current partner and I have a strained relationship because of the above. She wants to move forward our relationship, as I do. But I am really anxious because of the consequences.

I don't really know where to turn, or what the best course of action to take is. I'm currently living two separate lives and its taking its toll

I'm writing this hoping that anyone who has been through similar might have some advice to share.
 
Good morning mate.

Sorry to hear of the position you are in.

I have not been in this position but my advice would be to tred very carefully.

Without an order in place, we all know what mum could have in mind for your family if she feels threatened or in danger of losing control.

How have you attempted to explain the situation with your current partner?

It's such a fine balancing act.

Maybe try discussing with her that until a court order is in place you simply cannot take the risk and fracturing your relationship with your daughter.

Most importantly, look after yourself. We shouldn't have to make these decisions, you'd like to think that the mother would want as many positive adults in her child's life but sadly that's just not how these women operate.

I'd be tempted to let mum have her perceived way for now. However. It doesn't appear that you are planning court. You are entitles to a life and your daughter is entitled to a happy dad.

I'd be almost certain that when mum moves on there will be no similar drama.
 
nothernsoul said:
Good morning mate.

Sorry to hear of the position you are in.

I have not been in this position but my advice would be to tred very carefully.

Without an order in place, we all know what mum could have in mind for your family if she feels threatened or in danger of losing control.

How have you attempted to explain the situation with your current partner?

It's such a fine balancing act.

Maybe try discussing with her that until a court order is in place you simply cannot take the risk and fracturing your relationship with your daughter.

Most importantly, look after yourself. We shouldn't have to make these decisions, you'd like to think that the mother would want as many positive adults in her child's life but sadly that's just not how these women operate.

I'd be tempted to let mum have her perceived way for now. However. It doesn't appear that you are planning court. You are entitles to a life and your daughter is entitled to a happy dad.

I'd be almost certain that when mum moves on there will be no similar drama.
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I have tried to explain. My partner knows all about the situation but feels that our lives are completely separate . I get her frustrations and she kind of gets my situation. She doesn't see an end to it all, and I don't know what the end is either.
 
I am the partner of a dad.
We've had almost 5 years of hell from the ex after she found out about me.
It's extremely difficult. When you start a relationship with a parent it can be hard anyway. One with a difficult ex is even more hard.
I know how your partner feels but she must be patient while you sort out a court order.
I know I'm important to my partner but his children must come first. I've always been very independent so find it easy when he's had to change things last minute.
You have to compartmentalise your time with your daughter and time with your partner.
 
I'm currently living two separate lives and its taking its toll
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That is the point - it will take its toll and it’s not sustainable. Your ex is probably hoping your partner will give up and go away.

I had something similar and eventually after some legal advice I ignored my ex’s restrictions and did it anyway. Solicitor said if she stops contact you’ll get it back within four weeks at an interim hearing (before the pandemic - it wouldnt be that quick now). She did stop contact when she found out and I told her I would go to court over it. I think her partner talked her round in the end and she backed down and agreed to it rather than go to court.

I had tried to get it sorted by agreement a few times and just met with a “not yet” but after a year it was a bit much.

The court would support you on this - providing your new partner doesn’t have a criminal record or something.

15 months is a long time.

Rather than just apply to court you could try what I did. Start by messaging your ex saying you have been in a relationship for 15 months now and want some normality and have your daughter and partner with you together. And you seek her agreement to this and it will not change anything as she is Mum and you are Dad and the two most important people on your daughter’s life.

She might say no. Then you have to consider whether to just do it anyway - because you have PR presumably and it’s none of your ex’s business who you introduce to your daughter.

Options then are a) do it anyway and see if ex kicks off and stops contact. And if so apply to court for the time reinstated. b) apply to court.

I think option a) is better because of she did stop contact you have good reason to apply to court whereas with b) it’s only a hypothetical reason.

Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet.

You don’t even have to write and seek your ex’s agreement but it might be useful evidence to show why she stopped contact (if she does).

Also if she does there are other emails you can send that might resolve it without court.

Is your ex still single or does she have a partner?
 
I would say 15 months is still early days and there is a transitional phase.
The first 12 months with my partner were rocky. I even called it off after a few months but we got back together and that was when it kicked off with the ex.
Hopefully things may settle down with Deakers ex before court is needed. Fingers crossed.
 
Except most people do it after about 6 months. I waited a year and it was long enough. It got to the point where it was impacting my relationship with my child because he knew I was unhappy about something. I don’t think you can have a separate relationship and spread yourself out in that way. After a while you just need normality.

If it was an ex they would introduce a man very quickly and not even wait 6 months.
 
How far are you away from getting a court order (assuming you are applying for one).
 
I got the impression he hasn’t applied for one as yet but I may be wrong.
 
Thank you all for your update. We have been through mediation to agree a plan of care, but we have not got a court order to back this up.

Honestly i live in fear of asking for anything because of the repercussions that this causes. This even relates to a court order.

Im at the point now where my relationship is on the verge of collapse. And whilst I get that a partner should understand, I do see things from her side also. I almost feel like my current situation is a choice between an inclusive family life, or a life with my daughter. Morally that choice doesn't sit well with me
 
Deakers said:
And whilst I get that a partner should understand, I do see things from her side also. I almost feel like my current situation is a choice between an inclusive family life, or a life with my daughter. Morally that choice doesn't sit well with me.
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I had some great advice about these sort of thoughts.

My ex would happily see me nothing. And happily see my children without their dad. There's every chance a lot of the dads on here have similar women angling and positioning against them.

There is still that little bit of me that keeps thinking she's going to return to the kind woman I knew but, she isn't.

You have to put yourself and your child first. Do not allow yourself to fall into the trap of assuming that there's any sentiment or kindness that will be returned to. Your ex has turned this into a business transaction and you've got to try and remove all emotions and do everything you can to secure your future with your child and get the best order possible.

This all sounds so cold, but it's where so many of us are.

Ive only really understood this myself recently - our children deserve the best versions of their dad and we shouldn't allow anything to stop that.
 
Honestly i live in fear of asking for anything because of the repercussions that this causes. This even relates to a court order.
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I understand that. I felt the same. It took a solicitor to give me a push and bite the bullet. Sometimes the fear is worse than actually doing something. I couldn't give the same reassurance that I had at the time though (getting the time back within four weeks if she stopped you seeing your daughter). It could be more like 6 to 8 weeks, but might be quicker.

I do think you need to bite the bullet though. Address the issue of your partner becoming involved to your ex as per suggested email and just start doing it. If your ex does stop your child seeing you as a result, put the court application in immediately. It won't look good for her. Have the court application prepared and ready to go.

Yes your ex is controlling your life and making you choose between your child and your partner. And why shouldn't you have both? It's totally unreasonable.

When did you last have mediation? If it was within the last four months you can get the MIAM certificate if applying to court.

It's your decision at the end of the day. You can choose to stay single and say to your partner that it isn't going to work. Or you can choose to get a court order to protect the time with your child and have a normal life with your partner.

Either way there could be some pain involved. I had to accept I may not see my son for a few weeks - as it happened it was only 3 weeks because she backed down (and your ex might too when she gets court papers) but that was hard enough and I worried about my son too. But if your ex does that - stops you seeing your child - she is not thinking about the best for the child.
 
I think you need to view it from the point of view that you have a choice to go via court or stay in this in-between stage. It's a paralysis of sorts that many of us have faced.

I wouldn't really worry about your partner so much. It's more do you want to accept this for the next so many years. I came to the conclusion I didn't. Have a court order and
still haven't introduced anyone to the kids.

You may not get all you want in a court order but you will get back control of your life when it comes to your child. She may try to mess around after a court order but that should be short lived.
 
So the other option is - don't introduce your partner yet, but do apply to court. Your ex is less likely to stop you seeing your child if you're partner isn't involved before you have the court order. It's possible she might still stop you seeing your child if she's annoyed you've applied to court, and if one of the reasons is she won't agree to your partner being involved - but less likely. And she would look very bad if she did.

You have an established history of co parenting so there is no reason for you not to get a good order.

How much time do you get with your daughter now? Is it a regular schedule? Do you get school holidays?
 
On a less court focused note, do both of you have seperate people to off load to?
Me and my partner have spent what feels like centuries discussing his ex.
Those conversations need to be had but from your partners point of view, hearing about the ex has a detrimental effect on the relationship.
It's not good for you either as you just want to move on.
It makes it feel like there's a 3rd wheel in the new relationship. Which is probably what the ex wants.
 
As far as I can tell from my child, 2.5 years is an age where the very earliest memories start to get laid down. Mine was 4 when we separated and at 7 only vague memories remain from the time before separation. Memories that were very clearly expressed at 5 years old are now gone.

I accepted some rubbish deals and probably ended up with less than I would have got if I'd fought every battle rather than going for stability. But, I have been a continual presence. The child now has precious memories of her life with me that will be there forever.

The risk with court is that it could put your ex into battle mode and make it so you have to fight like a dog for every inch of progress. I am not saying court is a bad idea, but you need to be ready for the long haul and ideally be willing to spend tens of thousands of pounds.

An easy/quick solution may well come through a court application. For example, a consent order stipulating the time you already agreed. If it does not, and if your ex raises concerns for the child's safety/welfare while with you. An interim period where you have less time with the child may result. This creates a new status quo which can be to your disadvantage.

With all of that said, a court order is obviously the best solution. Especially if the time you are getting now is less than a court would be likely to order.

My experience is that fear of repercussions has survived and I've had 4 court orders so far. Unfortunately, the methods used to undermine/compromise a non-resident parent are fairly universal and shamefully effective. I am under continual threat of my time being "suspended" for the most bizarre reasons. Threads on here show lots of dads having to walk a tightrope whatever the court order says.

Members on here have massive amounts of knowledge and experience. There is loads of advice and resources to help you make the application correctly and present yourself well.
 
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There are also a lot of Dads on here with good court orders who had success and I am sure will add how they achieved that. But it can take time. Nobody wants to apply to court. In some ways the situation is silly. Your ex telling you who your child can and can't see when they are with you. In other ways, the fear of standing up to her allows that to continue, but can have consequences.

Some people see it as short term pain for long term gain. But there is the money aspect as well. If it did go to a final hearing (ie if there was no agreement) then it does help to be represented and have a barrister. A good barriser for a day would be about £4,000 plus Vat. If you used the barrister for an interim half day hearing as well it would be half that again. So total £6,000 plus VAT. I can't see your ex will get very far making allegations with the history of co parenting you have.

Do you think she is the type to make false allegations?
 
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