Advice needed on false allegations and access to child

[Sho]

Hi, I am after some advice. I have separated from my girlfriend but we are still living with one another as neither of us can afford to buy the other out of our joint mortgage. My ex uses our child to control me (financial and emotional blackmail).

I have a fear that she will stoop to false allegations to get what she wants, which is access on her terms, for her to make all decisions and for me to pay for everything. I have asked if we can look to make arrangements regarding child access for now and for when the house is sold. She is refusing to engage and will not go to mediation. She believes that as the mother she has the right to decide if and when I see our child.

It is becoming unbearable living in our house.

She has stolen/hidden a lot of my personal possessions and has made me out to be an abuser to her friends and family. She has admitted that she is ‘out to get me’.

My fear is that once the house is sold she will stop all access. In the meantime, if I do not do what she wants, she will go down the domestic abuse route.

I feel stuck. Do I continue living like this and start mediation/arrangement order once we are no longer living together. Or start now, and pray she doesn’t go through with threats of false allegations.

 

[otaku]

There is a saying:
“If someone shows you who they are, believe them”

If she’s using your child to control you now, it will only get worse when you sell the house and move out. She may try to get rid of you before then.

 

[Peanut 21]

Welcome Sho,
A few questions,
1) How long were you with your ex?
2) What was the main reason for the split?
3) How old is your child?
4) Are her nasty threats verbal or has she ever texted you to say she's out to get you/stop you seeing your child?

Your situation sadly seems more and more common, so you're not alone.
The things your ex is accusing you of she is doing (see my profile pic, it's nothing new in human psychology).

What your ex is doing is mentioned on the 2021 domestic abuse Bill. I've attached some screen shots. It is not normal behaviour.

As the mother of your child it is not her right to be the gate keeper.
In family law it is your child's right to have both parents in their life.

If you haven't already, note down days and times of anything and everything she has said and done.
Get some free legal advice on your housing situation with a property solicitor. Most offer free prelimary advice. You could mention the child arrangements situation too.

You wouldn't need to use a solicitor at the moment and I wouldn't advice it as they charge through the roof just for writing letters. Others on here may have better advice in terms of the financial side you're in.

 

[Peanut 21]

Domestic abuse Bill 2021 sections

 

[Sho]

Welcome Sho,
A few questions,
1) How long were you with your ex?
2) What was the main reason for the split?
3) How old is your child?
4) Are her nasty threats verbal or has she ever texted you to say she's out to get you/stop you seeing your child?

Your situation sadly seems more and more common, so you're not alone.
The things your ex is accusing you of she is doing (see my profile pic, it's nothing new in human psychology).

What your ex is doing is mentioned on the 2021 domestic abuse Bill. I've attached some screen shots. It is not normal behaviour.

As the mother of your child it is not her right to be the gate keeper.
In family law it is your child's right to have both parents in their life.

If you haven't already, note down days and times of anything and everything she has said and done.
Get some free legal advice on your housing situation with a property solicitor. Most offer free prelimary advice. You could mention the child arrangements situation too.

You wouldn't need to use a solicitor at the moment and I wouldn't advice it as they charge through the roof just for writing letters. Others on here may have better advice in terms of the financial side you're in.

Thanks for your reply. Some really good advice. I am really stressed about the situation and I think that it is all unnecessary.

I have been with my ex for about 4 years and we split about 5 months ago. The house was immediately put on the market, with little interest in the current environment.

Our child turns 2 in November.

The threats are mainly verbal. Apparently, her dad and brothers are going to beat me up. God knows what she has told them along with others.

It was my decision to split as we are simply not compatible. She is only happy when I do what she wants and foot the bill for everything. I became tired of her putting me down and her unrealistic expectations. She has to be in full control over everything and uses our child as a bargaining tool.

She has been seeking advise form everyone and she thinks that the abuse route is the best way to get what she wants, if I do not cave. I also think that she enjoys punishing me.

I have tried to have several conversations with her to try and cooperate and do what is best for our child but I get no where with it.

I can’t trust anything she says and I am fearful for what she may do. Our focus should be our child but she seems to want to destroy me and take me to the cleaners financially. With living in the same house, she could be accusing me of anything.

 

[nothernsoul]

So sorry to hear what you are going through.

The advice above is good.

I'd add by saying, DO NOT leave the house. As soon as you do, my experience is that you will lose time with your children and will be up against it.

It may feel like the right thing to do but you'll be weakenkng your position in what is likely to become a drawn out process.

Sounds like you have a level head and are already starting to navigate the obstacles that are likely to be put on your way.

You have joined a really supportive community.

Keep posting updates / advice requests in here and we will continue to look out for each other.

 

[nothernsoul]

She can, and likely will accuse you of anything and everything and hope that something sticks.

Without evidence it's simply bluster.

You have as many rights to be in the house and share care of your children as she does.

Take your 30 minutes free advice as soon as possible and look into the free mediation vouchers available.

Her engagement with that will likely tell you all you need to know about where she is headed and how amicable she wants it to be.

 

[Sho]

Thanks for all of the advice so far. For me, the whole thing just seems so unnecessary and we should be able to sort something out between us. Unfortunately both parties are not willing to do so.

I have a couple more questions at this stage about finances.

With us unmarried and simply cohabitating, I have asked to go 50-50 on all shared household bills. The ex thinks this is unreasonable. I can’t afford to keep paying for everything along with new costs. As I understand it, I have no legal obligation to provide for my ex. Just our child, which I am happy to do so.

Am I legally allowed to remove some items that I have bought individually from the shared house? I only ask because some items have already been taken. Initially denied, then verbally confirmed by the ex. I don’t mind them taking items that they bought and paid for. Not sure how this would look or if I can.

Finally, if the next step is mediation which they will likely not entertain I have read I can apply to court within 4 months. Presuming that the house is not sold, am I likely to get an arrangement order if we are both potentially still living in the same house? Ie the court will not know our future living arrangements. Once the house is sold we should both have enough money for a deposit. Is it best waiting for court proceedings once the house is sold and we are living separately?

 

[Peanut 21]

Sorry not in response to your questions but a point I thought of earlier.
Does your exs family live near by?
If she makes allegations against you, you could counter that if it really happened why didn't she leave to be with her family?

As you say, so unnecessary. But these types of personalities thrive on drama and being unreasonable.

 

[Sho]

Sorry not in response to your questions but a point I thought of earlier.
Does your exs family live near by?
If she makes allegations against you, you could counter that if it really happened why didn't she leave to be with her family?

As you say, so unnecessary. But these types of personalities thrive on drama and being unreasonable.

All of hers live within 5 mins. Mine don’t. I am hoping that if I start mediation she will start to cooperate. Either that or go down the false allegations route.

 

[Peanut 21]

All of hers live within 5 mins. Mine don’t. I am hoping that if I start mediation she will start to cooperate. Either that or go down the false allegations route.

Do you know what, expect the worse. She will go down that route. Vast majority on dads on here had it too, I believe.
Classic allegations could be the things she's done to you:
*he's controlling/he hasn't hit me but he has abused me emotionally/he controls the money/I'm scared of him/he pushed me etc etc

If it does happen your response is "I refute this allegation".
Gather evidence to dispute them but keep this info to yourself.
We can then help you to deal with your next move.

 

[nothernsoul]

Exactly what peanut says.

Just let this sink in for a moment...

She doesn't think that 50/50 on household bills is reasonable? No doubt she wants you to absorb the lions share of this.

But...

She also thinks 50/50 family time is unreasonable. I'm sure she would like more of this and less of the bills.

4 months before you can apply? Nonsense. You can start your court application right away. It won't be considered until mediation has been signed off but nothing wrong with getting a head start. it can be an onerous task so if you have time make a start on it. Do you have a shared computer at home? Avoid that of course, these types of women will stop at nothing to get the upper hand.

I'd also take a bit of time to consider what battles you have the energy for.

I've got plenty more to come after the family court has finished but I don't think I'd have left myself with much of a mind / body / heart if I'd have addressed all the injustices against me.

I parked a couple of things for another day and solely focussed on my children and my own health. Everything on its own time.

Sadly, it looks like you're heading down that path with so many of us.

 

[MagicJ]

Hi @Sho ,

In a similar situation in that still in-situ but we are married, it's a tough situation & you must protect yourself as much as possible.
At the very least, get a digital dairy app on your phone & just note dates/times/activities where her/your actions are relevant.
As your case progresses, it will get difficult to recall every incident but if you have date/times your version may seem more legitimate.

If you feel there is something afoot, you can always text a friend etc. so that others are aware of the situation just in case.

e.g. Left the house for work at 8am, got home at 4pm, found coffee machine missing, sent text, informed she took it
Was sitting on Sofa watching TV, she came in & threatened to have me beaten up by her family.

As the members say, get on with the Mediation process, given what you have said, I doubt there is any intention to be reasonable.
I would also look at the following, Letters to Services (GP, dentist etc.), to ensure you have access to the child's records.

As your journey progresses, if you find it challenging to manage any aspect, just jump on here to vent/query/check out these coping strategies.

All the Best

MJ

 

[Ash]

I will second "do not leave the house" (ie don't move out until you have a Child Arrangements order in place).

Ok ticklist

Go the mediation appointment yourself asap and have the MIAM (first appointment you go to on your own to explain the situation). DON'T tell your ex about the appointment.

Tell the mediator your stbx has refused to have mediation and you want signing off. The mediator will probably try and persuade you to let the ex be invited to the mediation first, but you can assertively keep repeating that you want signing off.

Apply to court on a C100 for a Child Arrangements order. Your child will be two by the time you get it and you can go for a 50/50 order. If that's what you want. You can put on the application that you are separated but living in the same house, can't agree on child arrangements, and you wish a child arrangements order to be in place and commence from the time you move out and you intend to do so once you have found a place.

You start getting some control back. If you apply while still living there and she makes allegations, they won't be taken seriously - if it was true why would she remain in the house with you? If she does something after you've applied, to get you out of the house, then it'll be seen as a reaction to your application. Try not to worry about what she might do and focus on getting some control and organisation back.

So you can have a child arrangements order in place before you move out - if you word the application carefully. Your stbx then can't use the threat of witholding the children to get you to agree to unreasonable finances.

If you're not married you only have to pay child support. Assume the house is in joint names?

 

[Sho]

Just a quick update.

I returned home today to find that half of the house has been emptied. Along with some furniture and personal possessions including my passport, spare car key and credit/debit cards have been taken. Currently on the phone to the police, who don’t seem interested.

I have cancelled by cards and passport.

I will be looking to book miam for asap.

 

[Peanut 21]

Ffs!!

 

[Ash]

Definitely get a MIAM asap. You should be able to get an urgent one at 24 hours notice and ask to be signed off. Start filling in the C100 now. So it's ready to go when you get the MIAM sign off. If you google family mediators in the area and phone round them and go with the one who can give you a 24 hour appointment.

I believe there's a place online that does them straight off. I'll see if I can find the link.

Assume she took the kids too?! How old are they? Spare car key - does that mean you still have a car key but she could turn up and drive off in the car using the spare? Do you have a lockable garage? Also, make a list of everything she's taken.

The other reason you need to get an application in asap, is not just to get to see the kids asap, but to pre-empt her claiming she left because she was abused etc. So your wording can explain you were living in the house together separately, but couldn't agree on arrangements for the children, and have now separated as she has moved out. So your normal side of the story gets in first. It might help a bit.

At some point you need to know where the kids are living as well. But be very careful - if you go out looking or go to where she is staying you could get accused of harrassment or something.

I'd also contact the kids school and check they are still registered at the same school. If not you need to be putting in an urgent prohibited steps order.

 

[Sho]

Definitely get a MIAM asap. You should be able to get an urgent one at 24 hours notice and ask to be signed off. Start filling in the C100 now. So it's ready to go when you get the MIAM sign off. If you google family mediators in the area and phone round them and go with the one who can give you a 24 hour appointment.

I believe there's a place online that does them straight off. I'll see if I can find the link.

Assume she took the kids too?! How old are they? Spare car key - does that mean you still have a car key but she could turn up and drive off in the car using the spare? Do you have a lockable garage? Also, make a list of everything she's taken.

Yeah, she emptied the car too which had some work stuff in it. She is filing a DV case against me tomorrow and moving out. Child is 1.

How do you even fight back against false allegations? Surely, you can’t just do this because you ain’t getting your own way.

 

[Ash]

So has she come back to the house then to tell you this? You don't fight back against allegations. What you do is wait for the court process to find they are false and then move on. Just keep believing in yourself and keep focused on getting an order to see your daughter.

 

[Sho]

She came back to the house as if nothing happened. I was in another room while she was on the phone to someone (family/friend). Heard bits of the convo. She has reported me to police several times apparently. Not sure when or why. Then she announced that she is moving out because she is scared and vulnerable.