Hello everyone, I'm looking for some advice as a stepdad.
Briefest of histories - separated Dad (44) with one child (F, 11) from previous relationship which ended 6 years ago. Long slog but 50/50 care and now get on better with ex than we did when we were together, attending open evenings, karate practise together etc.
I have a new partner who has four kids (F - 11, M - 12, M -17 & M - 19) from two previous relationships. M - 19 lives with his father full-time, other three kids live with her full-time. We have been together for five years, living together for just over 1 year.
The move was instigated by current partner, who thought it was the best thing for everyone as we were apparently 'stuck' before when we lived in two separate households and our relationship wasn't going anywhere. I resisted for a long time as I was not ready to combine our households knowing that our parenting styles are different and her kids' behaviour can sometimes be challenging, but she went ahead and found a very nice house for us in an excellent area, did all the admin for it and made it very hard for me to say no. I aired my concerns but was assured everything would be okay so I decided to give it a go.
I'm really at a loss as to how to explain the rest of this, but (at behest of current partner) we practise what is commonly known as 'nacho' parenting, which involves avoiding negative situations with stepkids, no disciplining etc (even when personal boundaries are over-stepped) and generally keeping our noses out of the parenting of the other's kids.
I do not agree with this approach and believe that we should act as a cohesive unit to give the children a solid foundation at home where they feel safe and can learn from two adults who are always there to support them and help them learn and grow as humans.
As stated above, our parenting styles are very different - I would describe my style as 'firm but fair' where I would expect kids to help with basic chores, general politeness and respect for others with clear rules set and discipline where necessary.
Partner's parenting style is the complete opposite - to an extent I cannot blame her as she has had four kids to contend with on her own in the past and they have found their own equilibrium and rules as a result.
I was expecting to work with partner as a team when we first moved in to set clear ground rules between us that we both agreed on, and then implement them with all of our children but this has not happened (I made it clear that this was to be one of my own personal caveats before we moved in, and she agreed). I have pushed for this since but partner is not interested, and instead wants things to carry on as they were previously with regards to her parenting style being the main one in the house.
I have adapted my own parenting style with my daughter to fall more in line with partner's style, and try my best to adopt the 'nacho' style with the stepkids, but they are challenging and, despite best efforts, I do occasionally get to the point where enough is enough and I have to let the kids know that my boundaries have been over-stepped and this is where things fall down.
Obviously their Mum's instinct is to protect her kids - and I do not blame her for doing so - but, by not teaching her children that I have personal boundaries, they are not learning how to interact with me properly and it also belittles my position within the household.
We split payment of utility bills, rent and food 50/50.
I also cook, clean, wash clothes etc, so I have all the responsibilities of being a step dad, but none of the equality that comes with being responsible for a household.
This obviously causes arguments between my partner and I, with the common theme being that she feels caught in the middle of her kids and I, her kids do not like me, I am too strict, they don't trust me etc and I am basically a horrible person. I found out last night that she has used me as a threat to M - 12 as a way of getting him to do things she asks him, such as "you don't want your stepdad to get upset with me because I am asking you over and over again to do your homework" which obviously broke my heart as she is reinforcing these negative stereotypes of me to her children.
Partner's relationship with my daughter has also changed since we moved in, as they used to like spending time together previously, watching films together, making silly videos, arts and crafts etc but, since we've moved in, partner seems no longer interested in my daughter and only interacts with her when she absolutely has to.
My daughter and her kids get on very well, which is the one saving grace as I am afraid that partner's three kids will gang up on my daughter and make her life hell, but I'm happy to report that this is not the case and they all play together nicely (for now).
I'm also very lucky in that we have a 6th "spare" bedroom in the house, which has been converted into a man cave so I now spend the majority of my time in there when I am not at work, just as a way of staying out of the way, as I feel like hiding is the best way to avoid any sort of confrontation and to allow her kids to move freely around the rest of the house and feel comfortable that they won't bump into me.
We do sometimes have meal times together, and inevitably the kids and I do have interactions around the house, but I do not instigate these interactions - I only speak when spoken to.
This affects my mental health as I do not feel comfortable moving around a house that I am 50% responsible for, and I am scared that any interaction could spark and turn into an argument and equals more sleepless nights and upset between my partner and I - although, as stated before, her children are challenging and I it is not always easy for me to not want to inform them when my boundaries are over-stepped.
My partner often insists on days out with all of us, which can sometimes be challenging as it's here when the challenging behaviours are most prominent.
I just want to bring our two families together as one, with two clear heads of the household (partner and myself) with a clear and fair set of rules and boundaries that combine the best of both our parenting styles but partner seems reluctant to do so.
I love my partner very much and feel that, in the past, she has made me feel genuinely 'seen' and appreciated, which is something I haven't felt before, so I am reluctant to end the relationship but it is getting to the point where I feel as though the only option here is for me and my daughter to go back to the flat I own and let my partner and her kids live in peace and without fear of this ogre that I so apparently seem to be to them.
Does anyone have any similar experiences, and how they were dealt with?
Thanks for reading, if you got this far...I'd love to hear back from any other Dads.
Briefest of histories - separated Dad (44) with one child (F, 11) from previous relationship which ended 6 years ago. Long slog but 50/50 care and now get on better with ex than we did when we were together, attending open evenings, karate practise together etc.
I have a new partner who has four kids (F - 11, M - 12, M -17 & M - 19) from two previous relationships. M - 19 lives with his father full-time, other three kids live with her full-time. We have been together for five years, living together for just over 1 year.
The move was instigated by current partner, who thought it was the best thing for everyone as we were apparently 'stuck' before when we lived in two separate households and our relationship wasn't going anywhere. I resisted for a long time as I was not ready to combine our households knowing that our parenting styles are different and her kids' behaviour can sometimes be challenging, but she went ahead and found a very nice house for us in an excellent area, did all the admin for it and made it very hard for me to say no. I aired my concerns but was assured everything would be okay so I decided to give it a go.
I'm really at a loss as to how to explain the rest of this, but (at behest of current partner) we practise what is commonly known as 'nacho' parenting, which involves avoiding negative situations with stepkids, no disciplining etc (even when personal boundaries are over-stepped) and generally keeping our noses out of the parenting of the other's kids.
I do not agree with this approach and believe that we should act as a cohesive unit to give the children a solid foundation at home where they feel safe and can learn from two adults who are always there to support them and help them learn and grow as humans.
As stated above, our parenting styles are very different - I would describe my style as 'firm but fair' where I would expect kids to help with basic chores, general politeness and respect for others with clear rules set and discipline where necessary.
Partner's parenting style is the complete opposite - to an extent I cannot blame her as she has had four kids to contend with on her own in the past and they have found their own equilibrium and rules as a result.
I was expecting to work with partner as a team when we first moved in to set clear ground rules between us that we both agreed on, and then implement them with all of our children but this has not happened (I made it clear that this was to be one of my own personal caveats before we moved in, and she agreed). I have pushed for this since but partner is not interested, and instead wants things to carry on as they were previously with regards to her parenting style being the main one in the house.
I have adapted my own parenting style with my daughter to fall more in line with partner's style, and try my best to adopt the 'nacho' style with the stepkids, but they are challenging and, despite best efforts, I do occasionally get to the point where enough is enough and I have to let the kids know that my boundaries have been over-stepped and this is where things fall down.
Obviously their Mum's instinct is to protect her kids - and I do not blame her for doing so - but, by not teaching her children that I have personal boundaries, they are not learning how to interact with me properly and it also belittles my position within the household.
We split payment of utility bills, rent and food 50/50.
I also cook, clean, wash clothes etc, so I have all the responsibilities of being a step dad, but none of the equality that comes with being responsible for a household.
This obviously causes arguments between my partner and I, with the common theme being that she feels caught in the middle of her kids and I, her kids do not like me, I am too strict, they don't trust me etc and I am basically a horrible person. I found out last night that she has used me as a threat to M - 12 as a way of getting him to do things she asks him, such as "you don't want your stepdad to get upset with me because I am asking you over and over again to do your homework" which obviously broke my heart as she is reinforcing these negative stereotypes of me to her children.
Partner's relationship with my daughter has also changed since we moved in, as they used to like spending time together previously, watching films together, making silly videos, arts and crafts etc but, since we've moved in, partner seems no longer interested in my daughter and only interacts with her when she absolutely has to.
My daughter and her kids get on very well, which is the one saving grace as I am afraid that partner's three kids will gang up on my daughter and make her life hell, but I'm happy to report that this is not the case and they all play together nicely (for now).
I'm also very lucky in that we have a 6th "spare" bedroom in the house, which has been converted into a man cave so I now spend the majority of my time in there when I am not at work, just as a way of staying out of the way, as I feel like hiding is the best way to avoid any sort of confrontation and to allow her kids to move freely around the rest of the house and feel comfortable that they won't bump into me.
We do sometimes have meal times together, and inevitably the kids and I do have interactions around the house, but I do not instigate these interactions - I only speak when spoken to.
This affects my mental health as I do not feel comfortable moving around a house that I am 50% responsible for, and I am scared that any interaction could spark and turn into an argument and equals more sleepless nights and upset between my partner and I - although, as stated before, her children are challenging and I it is not always easy for me to not want to inform them when my boundaries are over-stepped.
My partner often insists on days out with all of us, which can sometimes be challenging as it's here when the challenging behaviours are most prominent.
I just want to bring our two families together as one, with two clear heads of the household (partner and myself) with a clear and fair set of rules and boundaries that combine the best of both our parenting styles but partner seems reluctant to do so.
I love my partner very much and feel that, in the past, she has made me feel genuinely 'seen' and appreciated, which is something I haven't felt before, so I am reluctant to end the relationship but it is getting to the point where I feel as though the only option here is for me and my daughter to go back to the flat I own and let my partner and her kids live in peace and without fear of this ogre that I so apparently seem to be to them.
Does anyone have any similar experiences, and how they were dealt with?
Thanks for reading, if you got this far...I'd love to hear back from any other Dads.