My husband is facing parental alienation and false accusations.

[glassofvino]

Hello,

I am new to the forum, but desperate for advice. I would just like to preface this with the fact that my husband has been accused of domestic violence and coercive control by his ex wife. I have known my partner over two years and we are now married. He has a daughter with his ex wife and they are currently going through Family Court as the ex wife has made these false allegations and now has to commit to the story that she was abused as she has used Legal Aid and various other organisations.

My husband left the marriage because she is an extremely manipulative individual. She has been arrested prior (twice!) to meeting my husband, in the early 2000's for assault against her own parents. These parents are now supporting this lady's delusions, which is another story.

She has threatened to blackmail my husband's line of work, because she didn't feel they were supporting her and was 'covering up' for my husband. They married in 2017 and from then, my husband's parents reported her to the police for domestic abuse and a couple of my husband's friends also made reports of domestic abuse against his ex-wife. There hasn't been an investigation into her behaviour.

The ex-wife is also heavily involved with social services. This again, has been a constant years before my husband married her. She has told her eldest child many times to 'kill himself' and has actually physically hurt him. She has three children, to three different fathers, all of whom are estranged.

My husband is going through Criminal Court and Family Court. These are currently pending. My husband does have a solicitor and a barrister (for both of these) but my frustration lies in why they're allowing the ex wife to sail through without consequences? The ex wife sent a distressing email to my husband whilst they were divorcing and that she was going to commit suicide and thus, my husband contacted the police due to the nature of the conversation. A welfare check was made by the police and consequently, she accused my husband of domestically abusing her.

I am finding it extremely difficult as to why this system is failing fathers. I am ashamed of some women's behaviours towards exceptional fathers. My husband sees his child on a supported basis which he is more than happy to pay for and also pays for child maintenance for his child.

CAFCASS report is negatively biased towards my husband and I am failing to see any justice or accountability of this abusive individual. Her own brother had her sectioned TWICE for mental health issues many years ago and yet my husband is being treated like he's actual scum.

He has already spent over £60,000 in legal fees (from divorce proceedings, to family court and now there will be accumulation for Criminal Court) - my husband has evidence of her abusing him, voice recordings, emails all displaying the levels of blackmail and abuse she subjected him to. She also wrote in an email whilst he was away with work that she "shook their child (whom was newborn) and I loved it" and even referred to them as a 'little evil autistic cunt' because their child had been crying and shouting.

I'm at my wits end, I love my husband and I just want him to be happy. I feel like we are fighting a losing battle and he has already said he doesn't think he has the fight in him anymore. I told him that you've gotten this far already, so you can't give up now. We have spoken to resources such as ManKind who have been amazing, but the courts just seem to brush over the ex wife's mental illness and history and it is an extremely deflating situation. I fear for all of her children as they are emotionally and physically hurt by their own mother. She presents well and well-educated and is very manipulative and I know this works in her favour.

Apologies for the amount of text, I just don't know where to turn.
Thank you.

 

[Resolute]

I am not sure there really is anywhere to turn. No official or good samaritan is going to see through all of the lies and come to the rescue.

Appallingly, nothing in what you have written is exceptional. There are many on here who have experienced their own version of the same story. Your husband is very lucky to have somebody who really sees what is being done to him, i.e. you.

Two things that helped me were realisations that came a little late.

1. None of this is personal to me. The tactics and techniques being used by my ex are tried and tested. Nearly all of my story is just a cut and pasted version of the same shit many other people are going through. This realisation really helped me to look at what my ex does in a different way. Instead of feeling personally attacked, I started to feel like I am playing a game of strategy. Distance is really important. Decisions have to be pragmatic and heat needs to be taken out of what you do.

2. This is not fair. Comparing what happens to my sense of 'fair' or 'right', is not going to get me far. Similarly, attempting to achieve some abstract standard of justice will inevitably result in disappointment. The meaningful comparison is where I am, verses where I would be if all of my ex's lies and abuse had been successful. More importantly, where my child would be if I had not done what I can to stay in the picture. I hate saying this, but we are not going to fix the system that decides our children's futures. At least not before their childhoods have passed us by. We need to learn how to use the system as it is, to protect them as best we can.

Dads With Kids has been a big part of what brought me to these two realisations. It is a resource and a community which is streets ahead of anything similar I have found. Believe me, I've looked. The inspiration, support, information, and perspective, necessary to get through, will be available on here somewhere.

Slow and steady is a good motto to go by.

 

[glassofvino]

I am not sure there really is anywhere to turn. No official or good samaritan is going to see through all of the lies and come to the rescue.

Appallingly, nothing in what you have written is exceptional. There are many on here who have experienced their own version of the same story. Your husband is very lucky to have somebody who really sees what is being done to him, i.e. you.

Two things that helped me were realisations that came a little late.

1. None of this is personal to me. The tactics and techniques being used by my ex are tried and tested. Nearly all of my story is just a cut and pasted version of the same shit many other people are going through. This realisation really helped me to look at what my ex does in a different way. Instead of feeling personally attacked, I started to feel like I am playing a game of strategy. Distance is really important. Decisions have to be pragmatic and heat needs to be taken out of what you do.

2. This is not fair. Comparing what happens to my sense of 'fair' or 'right', is not going to get me far. Similarly, attempting to achieve some abstract standard of justice will inevitably result in disappointment. The meaningful comparison is where I am, verses where I would be if all of my ex's lies and abuse had been successful. More importantly, where my child would be if I had not done what I can to stay in the picture. I hate saying this, but we are not going to fix the system that decides our children's futures. At least not before their childhoods have passed us by. We need to learn how to use the system as it is, to protect them as best we can.

Dads With Kids has been a big part of what brought me to these two realisations. It is a resource and a community which is streets ahead of anything similar I have found. Believe me, I've looked. The inspiration, support, information, and perspective, necessary to get through, will be available on here somewhere.

Slow and steady is a good motto to go by.

Hi, good afternoon - just wanted to express my full gratitude for your reply. Thank you very much.
Everything you've said really resonates and definitely has put it into perspective, thank you.
I do think there is a lot of disappointment (even pending!) to try and fight what seems to have taken firm roots in Dads being punished. It is an unfair game, but your advice and insight is really helpful, so thank you.

I will relay this to my husband as I know he is extremely overwhelmed with it all and I try to find support/resources when I can.

Take care and thank you so much again.

 

[Ash]

Hello and welcome. Family court is a strange thing and their focus is on the welfare of the child. So when they hear parents accusing each other of things they can just see it as warring parents - ie they don't know who to believe. If there are concerns regarding the childrens safety, then it would be social services who should get involved - have they been involved? Unless social services say she's an unfit Mother, the courts probably won't do anything. If you raise issues with Cafcass they might just say - why didn't you go to social services? In other words - if you didn't then you're making it up. However social services often don't spot things or go round for a visit and find everything is fine and close the case.

So in that kind of situation, the best thing your husband can do is get the best order possible for Child Arrangements, so he can keep an eye on his kids - and once he has that order he's in a stronger position.

How to get that is the key - if the ex has created all this situation with allegations and criminal cases - it causes delay in resolving child arrangements. How many children does he have and how old are they? The other thing to bear in mind is she is creating all this havoc in the hope he will give up and go away probably. So don't give up. Take a breather, find ways to cope - but don't give up.

What he has is an extremely hostile ex. This is not uncommon as Resolute says. And again the courts and Cafcass seem to make allowances for ex's behaving badly - because they are Mothers.

I was also shocked at being treated as less important (and even suspicious!). Just because I was a Father and a man. It is a biased system because it is still based on children belonging with Mothers.

However bad it feels though - it can improve. The interim, between hearings, is one of the hardest times.

You mentioned a criminal case - is there a hearing for that coming up? Also where is he at with child arrangements? Has there been a fact find?

 

[Peanut 21]

Welcome @glassofvino
Myself and a few other ladies use this site for advice in regards to partners.
I've been supporting my partner through this since 2019.
Sometimes it just helps to have a good rant on here with people who totally understand your frustrations.

 

[glassofvino]

Hello and welcome. Family court is a strange thing and their focus is on the welfare of the child. So when they hear parents accusing each other of things they can just see it as warring parents - ie they don't know who to believe. If there are concerns regarding the childrens safety, then it would be social services who should get involved - have they been involved? Unless social services say she's an unfit Mother, the courts probably won't do anything. If you raise issues with Cafcass they might just say - why didn't you go to social services? In other words - if you didn't then you're making it up. However social services often don't spot things or go round for a visit and find everything is fine and close the case.

So in that kind of situation, the best thing your husband can do is get the best order possible for Child Arrangements, so he can keep an eye on his kids - and once he has that order he's in a stronger position.

How to get that is the key - if the ex has created all this situation with allegations and criminal cases - it causes delay in resolving child arrangements. How many children does he have and how old are they? The other thing to bear in mind is she is creating all this havoc in the hope he will give up and go away probably. So don't give up. Take a breather, find ways to cope - but don't give up.

What he has is an extremely hostile ex. This is not uncommon as Resolute says. And again the courts and Cafcass seem to make allowances for ex's behaving badly - because they are Mothers.

I was also shocked at being treated as less important (and even suspicious!). Just because I was a Father and a man. It is a biased system because it is still based on children belonging with Mothers.

However bad it feels though - it can improve. The interim, between hearings, is one of the hardest times.

You mentioned a criminal case - is there a hearing for that coming up? Also where is he at with child arrangements? Has there been a fact find?

Hello and thank you for your response, it is really, really appreciated. Thank you.

There was a fact-finding hearing in January, this was postponed as the ex wife's solicitor had Covid and did not attend to support her. Her solicitors are quite strange and they seem useless and they ended up having a solicitor represent (loosely) via telephone with the District Judge. The new fact-finding is now rescheduled for April.

In regards to social services, they had called my husband in December 2022 and a representative advised they had concerns over the Mother's (ex wife) behaviour whilst their daughter was in hospital. His daughter had been admitted with internal bleeding. In the report from Social Services, a nurse had made a safeguarding report over mother's overall behaviour and attitude, so there is a small trail that the ex wife is (and can be) quite difficult.

My husband only really found out about social services being involved when he was arrested and subsequently "no further actioned". The ex wife has then done a Victims Right to Review and thus CPS have decided to charge (my husband hasn't submitted any evidence as of yet, which I find strange) - he has not been given a date yet for the Criminal Court (for the alleged charges of domestic abuse/coercive control). I am acquainted with one of my husband's exes (they only dated briefly a few years ago) and she has written a statement to support my husband as before being married to his ex wife, there has not been an issue and post the divorce of his ex wife, there's voila, no issues around his character.

The ex wife has an elder son who I believe is 16 now--she was heavily involved with social services with her son, years before my husband married her, so there are historic records of her being part of the services prior to meeting and marrying my husband.

I believe my husband has applied for a Child Order and is granted this once a month - it was originally supervised, but has now gone to Supported (as instructed by the Judge) as his daughter wants to see her Dad.

So my husband only has one child, whom is five years old and his ex wife has three different children to three different fathers (my husband included) whom are all estranged from their biological dads. My husband raised the middle child (they are 11 years old) who he is not parentally responsible for, but felt it was morally good to include all of the children as he married their Mum. The ex wife when stipulating child arrangement orders said that my husband needs to take parental responsibility for her other (middle) child and the Judge overruled this. This is where I was getting frustrated because if my husband is so dangerous, why would you force your other child onto him when he has no parental responsibility? It is quite a 'head mash', so to speak.

And I am truly sorry for your experience, as a woman I hear the horror stories of the abuse my friends have suffered and it is only until I got into a relationship with my husband that my eyes were pulled open in relation to the depths that some women will go to to hurt Dads. I find it incredibly difficult to comprehend as a woman as I know the children are the ones who are affected ultimately in the long run.

Thank you for your response and time, it's really really useful and I am so genuinely grateful.

 

[glassofvino]

Welcome @glassofvino
Myself and a few other ladies use this site for advice in regards to partners.
I've been supporting my partner through this since 2019.
Sometimes it just helps to have a good rant on here with people who totally understand your frustrations.

Hi lovely, thank you so much for your response. It's absolutely heartbreaking isn't it? I am relieved to hear he has an amazing woman by his side to support him in all of this, as I know it isn't easy.
If you don't mind me asking, where are you both currently in terms of access to seeing his children? It really blows my mind how devious some Mum's can be!!
Thanks so much, it's really appreciated. <3

 

[Peanut 21]

Hi lovely, thank you so much for your response. It's absolutely heartbreaking isn't it? I am relieved to hear he has an amazing woman by his side to support him in all of this, as I know it isn't easy.
If you don't mind me asking, where are you both currently in terms of access to seeing his children? It really blows my mind how devious some Mum's can be!!
Thanks so much, it's really appreciated. <3

New post. Partner of amazing dad.

Hi All, I'm the partner of a great dad who is being alienated from his kids. It began in Jan 2019 when she first found out about me. I met him 2 years after they split and we took it slow for the first year and I was daddy's 'friend' to the kids, who were 7 and 4 at the time. My partner and his...

dadswithkids.co.uk

Here's my original post. Can't be bothered to type it all up again lol.
Still on going.
In-between hearings.

 

[Ash]

From what you've said above, things sound fairly positive with the family courts. Your husband is getting to see his 5 year old daughter, supported, (although once a month isn't much - supervised is usually at least fortnightly). The issue seems to be the CPS charging him. When he was interviewed by the Police initially, did he have a solicitor with him? He would have been entitled to free representation for a criminal matter and I believe they advise saying "no comment" to everything - because if he says no comment, they can't charge him without evidence. But possibly the ex wife provided some "evidence"?

If he can win the fact find, it might help with the criminal case. Have both sides made allegations for the fact find? And if so - what are your husband's? And do they include the hospitalisation of his daughter with evidence of that, and evidence from social services of their involvement? Because that might help.

It's very common for an abuser to accuse abuse! Attack as a form of defence.

"In regards to social services, they had called my husband in December 2022 and a representative advised they had concerns over the Mother's (ex wife) behaviour whilst their daughter was in hospital. His daughter had been admitted with internal bleeding. In the report from Social Services, a nurse had made a safeguarding report over mother's overall behaviour and attitude, so there is a small trail that the ex wife is (and can be) quite difficult."

This sounds pretty bad. Why didn't social services remove the child?