Forced to Sell My House

[Mark John Day]

Hi All,

My wife at the weekend broke the news to me that after 13 years she is leaving me, this is heartbreaking as you can imagine.

I have agreed with my wife that we will have 50/50 custody with our two children but she is saying I have to sell our current property to buy her out of our joint mortgage.

She and her family have been pushing me today to get figures and applications but I have paused to take stock and will seek some advice.

I have seen online that I actually do not need to sell the house as the kids will be staying there with me 50% of the time, is this correct do I have to sell or remortgage to pay her off?

She is looking to get money from me asap!

Thanks in advance

Mark

 

[capa]

Sorry to hear about your current situation, regards to the house ,I'm sure you could apply for a mesher order, which prevents the sale of the property until an event is reached, ie when youngest child reaches 18.

 

[StayStrong]

Hello **** J ***,

Firstly, please confirm you are using an alias and not your real name?

Ok, I'm so sorry to hear your news, it is a total bombshell for you, I'm sure. But I also sense you are vulnerable by the post that you have made and the brief details you've given. You're reaching out - grasping even - at anything. My best immediate advice to you is to step back. I also suggest you limit by a massive degree any comms you are engaging in, either with your wife or her family, or her friends.

13 yrs is a long time - perhaps you knew each other for some years before you were married. From the information you have given you are currently just a few short hours in to another chapter of you life. Please see this perspective, okay?

The turmoil you are feeling, the raw emotion that shows in your post above - perfectly understandable. However, please mate, take a step back right now, hunker down and don't act rashly.

Some questions to begin with.....

how old are your children?
is the marital home in your name or joint - or your wife's?
why has this bombshell happened?

I look forward to hearing more, as do many other Dad's here who are quite capable of helping you in this tumultuous time.

and...take care of yourself please.

Stay Strong.

 

[Mark John Day]

Hello **** J ***,

Firstly, please confirm you are using an alias and not your real name?

Ok, I'm so sorry to hear your news, it is a total bombshell for you, I'm sure. But I also sense you are vulnerable by the post that you have made and the brief details you've given. You're reaching out - grasping even - at anything. My best immediate advice to you is to step back. I also suggest you limit by a massive degree any comms you are engaging in, either with your wife or her family, or her friends.

13 yrs is a long time - perhaps you knew each other for some years before you were married. From the information you have given you are currently just a few short hours in to another chapter of you life. Please see this perspective, okay?

The turmoil you are feeling, the raw emotion that shows in your post above - perfectly understandable. However, please mate, take a step back right now, hunker down and don't act rashly.

Some questions to begin with.....

how old are your children?
is the marital home in your name or joint - or your wife's?
why has this bombshell happened?

I look forward to hearing more, as do many other Dad's here who are quite capable of helping you in this tumultuous time.

and...take care of yourself please.

Stay Strong.

Thank you, yes it’s very raw and a shock and obviously I am devastated by this news.

My children are 6 & 10 the home is in joint names on the mortgage.

I am the main earner in the house and my wife would not be able to afford the mortgage and bills on her own hence wanting me to remortgage to buy her out but this would leave me hardly anything to live on and support the children while in my care 50% of the time!

My wife said she has fallen out of love with me and then everything seems to be very rushed wanting me to make immediate decisions financially.

She has been to seek advice and been advised she will get very little government support and as we have agreed 50/50 custody no CSA.

As you can imagine this has not got a good reaction and she has asked me to lie to the CSA to say I am not having the children 50/50 so she can get some money and put a house over their head and food on the table.

I have called the CSA myself and they confirmed no CSA is liable for a 50/50 shared custody.

The mortgage company went through the financials and for me to pay off my wife would leave me in real financial strain.

I have suggested selling the house but want to keep it as it’s the children’s family home and this was refused as it would take a long time to sell due to the current market and the cost of the house itself.

 

[nothernsoul]

Firstly, sorry to hear about your situation.

Alarm bells are ringing my end mate.

If I was in your situation, knowing what I do, I'd be making that informal 50/50 arrangement a water tight formal one.

If you do the financials first there's nothing stopping your ex helping herself to money and then making your life with the children extremely difficult.

The haste in which she wants the finances sorted bothers me. I'd say she's has this in mind for a while and has her own ducks very much in order.

I agree with stay strong.

Take a step back, get 30 mins free legal advice about how you make the 50/50 official and focus on that first.

The fact she's asking you to lie to CSS?

No chance.

I smell a rat.

 

[StayStrong]

Okay **** J ***, thanks for your reply. I'll stress again to you that you need to take a significant breather on these matters, based on your reply, since ultimately it is about you being there for your 6 and 10 year old, not about the s**t erupting around you from every side right now.

Please just step back.

I'm deeply concerned that you have spoken to "CSA" and to "Mortgage Co" in such a short space of time i.e. since this last weekend. Really?

I understand that you believe these are the places to immediately explore - yep, in time.....but time is in the next four weeks or so......you're rushing headlong without any focus in my opinion. Please step back and breathe.

Soooo... let's establish some terminology first since this thread has to be useful for others in the future.

CSA doesn't exist. You are communicating with the Child Maintenance Service - the CMS.

"Custody" is a horrible and totally misused word. If you are arrested you are in 'Custody'. Is that appropriate when considering your future life with your children? No, obviously. Your "Care" for your children, or (just about manageable), your "contact" with your children, should always be used. Get into that frame of mind and phraseology right away please.

Now, to the circumstances you have immediately. It appears to me you are being bounced big time. As @northernsoul writes, and I agree - I smell a rat. So it is necessary to be astute to your circumstances. And here Bro - I get that's so hard with a bombshell such as this in your life.

Your first step is to proactively book a mediation session. Google Mediators in your area, book it and provide your wife's contact details - or tell her yourself that you've done it. Without Mediation happening first you won't move on to the next stage anyway - which sounds like Litigation currently. But Mediation is what you must do. My own experience? A tick box exercise....but without it, you won't get anywhere further.

Two final points from me for now: 1) you are in (at home, currently) a potentially fraught and perilous position (from what you have said). Therefore, be whiter than white, do not react to provocation, stay focused on your childrens' needs and ensure that you keep a private diary note of everything and anything. 2) step back, reflect on the support you have here, act on the advice and realise, however impossible it seems right now, that a new life chapter is opening. It ain't that bad - unless you make it bad.

Take care, SS.

 

[Ash]

she is saying I have to sell our current property to buy her out of our joint mortgage.

Hi and I'm really sorry you're going through this. You must be in shock. You've had a lot of good advice above. But the first thing to try and get your head round, is you can't trust or believe what she says any more sadly. Once a marriage is ended by one party, everything has changed and people are looking out for themselves (and not for you). Keep things amicable or say very little however hard that is.

I was a little confused by the bit I've quoted above. But I think I worked it out from a later post. So you just have the one property? She wants you to sell it to get her share of the equity is that right? You're talking about remortgaging to take over the mortgage and give her her share of the equity (ie buying her out) rather than sell the house?

I don't want to add to your turmoil but it's possible she is having an affair - otherwise why wouldn't she want to keep the house and remain there with the kids.

So the first thing you need to do is formalise the 50/50 shared care. ie put her money where her mouth is. A verbal agreement means nothing. A written agreement means nothing. The only thing that legalises and formalises it is a court order. A child arrangements order. This doesn't necessarily mean applying to court - it can be done as a consent order. Then you have a solicitor draw up the order. The ex would need a solicitor to approve the wording. When both solicitors have approved the order wording it is then sent to the court for sealing. This is specifically just for Child Arrangements - a "consent order" for divorce is something else.

If your soon to be ex (stbx) says no she doesn't want to do a consent order, then she has no intentions of keeping to a 50/50 arrangement. The way society is, Mothers have possession of the kids, wherever she lives (and she could move 200 miles away overnight). Even though technically you are both equal with parental responsbility. If she moves, she might not keep her word about you seeing the kids half the time.

Now clearly she wants out quickly for some reason, and to get her share of the equity and be off. She probably doesn't want you to keep the house (even if it is affordable) in case you're then seen as the resident parent or something. Or in case the kids prefer being wiht you because it's their home.

Anyway I'm sorry to have introduced the idea that she may be having an affair but please DON'T confront her with this or ask her about it. Whatever she said you wouldn't know if it was true anyway. Things will become clear at the right time.

But priorities :

1) Get the child arrangements legalised/formalised. As soon as possible. Before the 10 year old turns 11.
2) Think about the house and equity situation carefully. What would she do if you said no? ie no I don't want to sell the house. And you sat there and did nothing. Presumably she would then become difficult or use the kids as leverage.

The dilemma of not being able to take over the house yourself with a bigger mortgage, if buying her out, does suggest that selling it is the only option however. Unless you remortgage on interest only maybe? So the payments are more affordable. You would never be paying it off but it gives you time to decide when to sell and move somewhere else in the future.

I also smell a rat over the Child Maintenance situation. If you do what she asks, and tell the CMS that it's not 50/50 and they assess it so you have to pay her child maintenance, then you're stuck with that, and it would be hard to then say actually that wasn't true and I do have them 50/50.

A better way would be to agree informal financial matters. Eg you have the children 50/50 but agree to pay for certain things. Eg all the school uniform. But that probably wouldn't be affordable with a big mortgage as well.

Has your stbx said where she plans on moving to?

 

[Ash]

Just to add - if this is your real name, please can you message me and I'll change it to an anonymous username if you give me a suggestion for one.

 

[nothernsoul]

Good morning mate.

Excellent advice above.

You've got a lot to think about.

Please do that.

Think, think, think.

You should never make important decisions when you are either too high or too low. I'm sorry that you are currently in the too low mode but it will pass.

Do not make any immediate decisions.

Mediation, for me, was also a tick box but it will give you some time between now and when it is scheduled.

Do not respond to her requests for action or haste.

A stick reply of something like, "I appreciate your proposals, however, I just need some time to adjust and ensure I respond effectively."

Keep your communications polite.

Not only will it serve you well in the future, it might remind her that she doesn't call all the shots.

 

[justathome]

I was in your shoes 2 years ago after 18 years. Someone else involved, and was being pressured to get separated and leave the house. It was unbearable, but I found and excellent Phycologist, he was an absolute legend.

I would not have got through it without him.

Agree with all the above, set some boundaries, make your point clear that you need time and space, there is no rush to sell or do anything, or to make rush decisions. Children ALWAYS come first, and you are in the FMH, which is precious to them also.

Remember to think about your needs, and the kids.

As above, nothing is agreed until the children are agreed. No Ifs, no buts. As hard as it is, this will save you pain further down the road.

Citizens advice are great at providing an agreement template, which you can fill in together, and a Solicitor can get formalised for you. Then as has been said above, Mediation will be very useful if things get difficult.

This is who we used, maybe depends where you live.

www.familymediationsoutheast.co.uk

Although my ex turned it into a farce, they were very knowledgeable.

The fact you're in the house is a benefit right now, even though at times will feel painfully empty, but be strong, look after your health, and speak to people you trust (Ideally not her fiends or joint friends if possible)

Try to avoid lawyers if you can, except to ratify any agreements. They only care about money!

Always remember your mental health, even If you're not used to doing that as were blokes, and If you don't know where to turn, as even with friends you can feel so alone, find the support you need who can guide you with that.

 

[BrainDad]

You've said the house is in joint names on the mortgage, but how is the property held at HM Land Registry?

You can get an office copy from HM Land Registry and that will tell you. It may either be joint tenants or tenants in common. Tenants in common can be held in unequal shares; meaning one could have 70% and the other 30%. Or is it just registered at HM Land Registry in just one of the parties named? You need to check that.

Joint property ownership

Check if you're a joint tenant or tenants in common. Change from joint tenants to tenants in common, or tenants in common to joint tenants

www.gov.uk

First, step would be to get and office copy for your property from HM Land Registry and check what it says. You can do it online and it only costs a few quid.

The mortgage is a loan and it will be registered as a charge on the property. It's usually joint and several liability, meaning if one doesn't pay the mortgage company can go after the other party. The legal rights of ownership and share of the property are set out in the title that's registered at the land registry.

How a court would then look at the situation having lived together and having children would be for a family lawyer to advise on.

Another step would be to check how much is currently owed on the mortgage, meaning how much you have left to pay until the mortgage is repaid in full. It would also be worth finding out how long is left on the mortgage before it is repaid in full.

 

[phil105]

Hi All,

My wife at the weekend broke the news to me that after 13 years she is leaving me, this is heartbreaking as you can imagine.

I have agreed with my wife that we will have 50/50 custody with our two children but she is saying I have to sell our current property to buy her out of our joint mortgage.

She and her family have been pushing me today to get figures and applications but I have paused to take stock and will seek some advice.

I have seen online that I actually do not need to sell the house as the kids will be staying there with me 50% of the time, is this correct do I have to sell or remortgage to pay her off?

She is looking to get money from me asap!

Thanks in advance

Mark

If you children live with you will not be forced to sell because the children come first and they need a home. I am in a similar issue I bought the house three years ago after 5 years of marriage all my money but she still gets half. I am getting estimated valuations from local estate agents 3 to 5 of them so that I can prove the value now. My solicitor is presenting the current value so that in the future she will not be a silent investor whom never pays any mortgage payments. The system is a joke.

 

[Ash]

How did you get on Mark?