Daughter and Step Mum Communictaion

[dad990]

My wife and I have been together for approx. 5years now and I have a 12year old daughter from a previous relationship. My wife has 2 kids (18 and 15) who I get on great with, bar the odd hormonal outburst. When my daughter comes to stay she has always been made to feel part of the family and included in everything we do. The problem is recently my wife has voiced her concern regarding her relationship with my daughter. She finds trying to communicate with her difficult and doesn't really get much back from her when she tries and feels she cannot bond with her.

They have tried "girlie" activities over the years but my wife says it all feels very awkward and forced as my daughter is so quiet with her. My wife is now at the point where she feels its pointless to keep trying if she is getting the same results

My daughter can be shy with new people, but this shouldn't be the case this far down the line. I am acutely aware that my daughter answers questions with a shrug of the shoulders and a minimal word response (not in a moody way) and can look like a startled rabbit in the headlights when she is asked questions. this is not just with my wife but members of my wife's family and even my daughters grandparents on my side that she doesn't see that often.

She is generally very chatty with me and when i see her with her friends she doesnt shut up. I have tried to speak with my daughter regarding this issue but she just clams up, gets upset and and won't voice her thoughts.

I don't speak to my daughters mother so cannot discuss this with her either.

I was hoping that someone may have had similar experience or could me some advice.

Thanks

 

[Ash]

Hi. Ok I can speak from a different perspective in that I know some of the pressures my son gets from my ex to ignore my partner!

So firstly - your daughter is 12 - funny age. My son was very funny at 12 - still moody at 14 but a good lad - they have moments. Your daughter is hormonal. And relationships change - they can be closer to one parent or the other at this age.

Not sure what your ex is like but she will be influencing your daughter who may be struggling with the idea of having a normal family life with you and your family, because the ex is telling her things - either making her feel guilty for enjoying herself with a Stepmum or your family, or ,making a big drama about daughter spending time with your partner etc. In other words your daughter may feel in the middle and under pressure.

We also had a difficult period when my ex decided to start alienating my son against my partner. With both of us actually but it didn;t work with me as my son's relationship bond is very strong with me - but a bond with a step parent is more fragile.

I can only suggest what my partner did - it was disconcerting and awkward but she decided to just carry on acting normal and pleasant around my son whatever he did or said and the longer son was here, the more normal things became.

It also came down to me a bit too. If my son ignored my partner and only talked directly to me, it was up to me to try and include partner in the conversation (would have been easy to let it go and enjoy the one to one contact).

Some also depends on what kind of routine you have at home. I do think kids need "some" one to one time with the actual parent, as well as family time or time with you as a couple - important too.

We found it easier when out than when at home in a familiar environment.

If your daughter is shy as well she may be nervous about girl things happening and feel she can't talk to your partner about it. How is your daughrer with your partner's 15 year old? They kids may be able to discuss things she can't discuss with adults.

It's not easy for kids with two homes. Main thing is that your partner is willing to have a good relationship and keep up that willingness and pleasantness. Little compliments help like telling her her hair is nice or she's done well at school (from your partner or both of you). To set the atmosphere.

I'd try not to let it become an issue - things change - at 13 they're different again - still not like they were when kids but different again. Most 12 year olds start wanting to be a bit more independent and having their own say and opinion as well and some personal space.

Does she have her own room at your house? If not, that might be an idea and let her choose how she wants it/what she wants in it. Tricky if you have three kids in the house and need to treat them all equally.

When out and about we found conversation much easier - more distraction, easier to be jokey etc - at home it's all domestic routine. So days out etc help.

If she freaks when being asked questions then that could be age or ex filling her head and her feelign nervous - so maybe don't ask questions and use statements. Like - tell me about your week this week. Or ask for her help with something techy (they seem to know more about apps than I do!). Find out what her favourite thing is right now and try and draw her on that? Just guessing here!

Did she used to have a good relationship with your partner and it's changing?