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Can they do this

S

sueb

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Hello,
My friend has two children from a previous relationship. He loves his children works so hard for them. To keep himself busy (I think to keep his mindset stable). He normally plays pool on a Sunday, Monday and Tuesday evening. He would normally stay overnight on Thursday when she works and take them out on Sundays and holiday time.
Recently the woman has decided that he has to stop playing pool and can only see his children on a Sunday.
Can she dictate his life like this using the children as leverage. I'm so desperately sad for him as I know it's hurting him. Any thoughts or advice would be welcome. Thank you S
 
Hi and welcome

Is there anything formal in place regarding the children or has it all been informal to date.

Assuming it is informal then the short answer is yes she probably can do this in the short term but there are things he can do to get something more formal in place if needed.
 
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sueb said:
Recently the woman has decided that he has to stop playing pool and can only see his children on a Sunday.
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Isn't this akin to coercive and controlling behaviour? Even if the agreement is Informal,but I'm curious as to what the reason is behind that decision
 
I am guessing she wants him to have the children more? It's difficult to know without more detail. Is she objecting to him drinking when playing pool? It does sound quite controlling. But what reasons did she give? It does sound like it's an informal arrangement if he is staying over at their former home with the kids one night a week. Is he happy with this arrangement? Presumably she won't let the kids stay overnight with him instead.

It doesn't sound like it's going to be a workable arrangement long term. He could try formalising arrangements by starting mediation to draw up a parenting agreement, and ask that it be put into a consent order (which formalises it legally). If she won't agree to a consent order and he's not happy with the outcome of mediation, he can apply to court to ask for the arrangements to be formalised in a child arrangements order. It would be better if they can agree something workable between them for as long as possible though, so he can build up a solid history of time with the kids since separation.

If she thinks he should be available more to spend time with the kids, or is concerned that he is drinking too much that is one thing, but if she just resents him having a life (and presumably they are separated?). They are separated aren't they?
 
Ash said:
I am guessing she wants him to have the children more? It's difficult to know without more detail. Is she objecting to him drinking when playing pool? It does sound quite controlling. But what reasons did she give? It does sound like it's an informal arrangement if he is staying over at their former home with the kids one night a week. Is he happy with this arrangement? Presumably she won't let the kids stay overnight with him instead.

It doesn't sound like it's going to be a workable arrangement long term. He could try formalising arrangements by starting mediation to draw up a parenting agreement, and ask that it be put into a consent order (which formalises it legally). If she won't agree to a consent order and he's not happy with the outcome of mediation, he can apply to court to ask for the arrangements to be formalised in a child arrangements order. It would be better if they can agree something workable between them for as long as possible though, so he can build up a solid history of time with the kids since separation.

If she thinks he should be available more to spend time with the kids, or is concerned that he is drinking too much that is one thing, but if she just resents him having a life (and presumably they are separated?). They are separated aren't they?
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Hi Ash, he looks after them on a Thursday whilst she works and Sundays. He doesn't drink, so I really don't know. They live with her. He would love to spend more time with them.
It's a new relationship between us and I'm just trying to support him. Thanks
 
As with all these situations it's difficult to find a balance between keeping things amicable while co parenting, and not being dictated to to the nth degree. I did put up with a certain amount of dictating to when my son was younger, to keep things reasonably amicable for my son - eg childcare chats on the doorstep etc. It was never really amicable as she would threaten to "stop contact" at the drop of a hat.

Presumably she knows he's in a new relationship? That might be why she's being difficult. Did she give a reason for asking him not to go to play pool three nights a week? It kind of sounds like she is still behaving like his wife. If he is still stopping over there one night a week that might encourage her to feel like that in some ways - ie confused boundaries.
 
sueb said:
Hi Ash, he looks after them on a Thursday whilst she works and Sundays. He doesn't drink, so I really don't know. They live with her. He would love to spend more time with them.
It's a new relationship between us and I'm just trying to support him. Thanks
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Ah she's trying to show she's still the boss.

How old are the kids
 
Hello everyone
Just wanted to say a huge thank you for all your thoughts and comments.
It's really helped me and I've managed to have a very careful and tactful conversation.
Resulting in himself being himself. Doing things he loves, yes back to playing pool again. No restrictions to his life.
I actually cried with joy when he messaged.
Huge thank you to you all. Hopefully now things will improve. Thank you all again Sue xx
 
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