For a 2/3years now my then girlfriend would often state that she feels worthless and no one likes or loves her and because of the bond me and my boy had, she often said to us that she wants a dog so she has something to cuddle up to, as me and my boy would sit on the same seat when I was at home for the last 5 years. She would say everyday that I am forcing him against her and he doesn’t listen to her, which I did notice he would ignore her sometimes, but she never helped herself as she would isolate herself on her phone with headphones in on the other sofa. This only got worse once he started school last year as we would both finish at the same time so this didn’t give her any alone time with him. With her working nights at the weekends, she also missed most of the days out we had and would blame me for that, even tho we offered every time, but she would be ether to tired or to busy, so this made them grow further apart. Even at home I would get accused of turning him against her, for example, I would take him bed every night and when I said bedtime to him, he would run away from me, which I loved cause it was a little thing we did for years, but every time his mother would say to him come here and give me cuddle and she would say love you, now sometimes he would come and say night and love you and other times he would commit to running away from me to try and hide, after reading his book I would then come down to her shouting at me that I do this on purpose so he didn’t say night or love you, I would always reply by saying she could of followed us upstairs and say night that way in which she would reply “what’s the point”. I could see that she was getting more jealous of our bond and more upset that he didn’t have the same with her. This caused a lot of tension between me and her and we slowly drifted away from each other. His mother goes to a festival with her dad every year so last year I decided that seen as tho I have to book a week off, I would get his passport booked to go away. This caused a lot of friction and we argued about it so instead I took him to London, this still caused a bit of a problem as this was his first proper time away. Anyway after the trip and once she returned she would make comments like do I want a photo album for everything he does without his mum. So after this I said to her if she gets a passport I will take us all away for Christmas, she never ended up getting a passport so we just stayed at home, still a nice Christmas. Just after this the tickets got released for the same festival for this year so she booked them as usual and I booked time off. Then in January this year I booked flights to Germany to go to a theme park there, my boy initially picked Disney land but I used her by saying that his mum would like to go there with us, ( plus I wasn’t a big fan of idea, but it was his choice to where we go) with this he see a water park in Germany and he was sold to that idea. So after it all was booked, she was very unhappy to say the least, but I would always say to her what else should we do if we have a week off,( this is in the summer holidays) we might as well make the most of it. A month or so later we split up. We had been split for couple of months from January and we stopped in separate rooms. She applied for single at counsel and was waiting for a house, in the mean time it was very open in the house between us two and the child that we was going to separate and would have conversations between all of us of what to expect. In one of these conversations she mentioned that one day all his stuff would be gone when I return from work, in which the boy replied saying he wants to stay with me. I could see it hurt her feelings and it would have mine, so I stated to him that he could stay at mine some nights and stay with her some nights. 2 weeks after this I’ve come home to find everything gone. I panicked about asking police, social, and other parties and they all gave me same answers, that he safe and go get solicitor so I did, once I did this I filed a c100 to push it faster to court as could not cope with the date they gave me (23/04/24) as i have never spent a day without him since he was born. She did not turn up and the court said they will give her benefit of doubt and to keep original date. I’ve not seen or heard his voice since beginning of march and it is killing me, the only information I have received is from her social worker saying that she is in a refuge, because she has gone to housing stating coercive control by me. I believe she has done this for couple of reason. 1:being she wanted a house faster from counsel, 2: after what the boy had said about living with me, she has used this to take him away. 3: she has been trying to stop this holiday from happening since she heard it was booked, and what better way than to get me to spend all the savings on court and solicitors. I had always been strict with my boy on certain things but I have never controlled anything she did, I am now worried that because I can’t defend myself against whatever allegations she has made towards me. Like I have said we were very open and calm about splitting up to all of a sudden this bomb has hit me. I’m trying to stay strong for my boy but can’t help feeling that I’m going to be pushed out of his life. Sorry for the story but reading other people’s stories has helped me in some ways and upset me in others, so just thought I will let it out on here.
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Trying to survive for my boy
- Thread starter Bill
- Start date
The process is that before the next hearing, you get a Cafcass safeguarding letter, following the phone calls. Sometimes a Cafcass officer is at the hearing, but not always. And if there is, it's not likely to be the same one that did the safeguarding letter. It could be good to have a direct access barrister at the next hearing, to try and broker agreement or to try for an interim order for time with your son, even if it's only at a contact centre. However I'm aware you said your ex didn't show for the last hearing. So it's tricky in that respect, if you've paid for a barrister for the day. What was that first hearing she didn't show for? Was it an urgent hearing?
The Cafcass letter is often an unpleasant read but it's important to bear in mind that most of it is just "reporting" what each parent says. Not Cafcass themselves repeating any allegations. So it may repeat anything your ex has said. Then it will report what you have said (as they interpreted it which is not always the same as what you actually said!) then at the end they usually recommend what happens next. However, what they recommend at the end doesn't necessarily happen - that is up to a Judge to decide.
For example sometimes they say they recommend the court "consider" a fact finding hearing. But a Judge may decide that isn't necessary and deal with things at the first hearing instead. Did you make any "allegations" about your ex? Or keep it mainly focused about your son?
The Cafcass letter is often an unpleasant read but it's important to bear in mind that most of it is just "reporting" what each parent says. Not Cafcass themselves repeating any allegations. So it may repeat anything your ex has said. Then it will report what you have said (as they interpreted it which is not always the same as what you actually said!) then at the end they usually recommend what happens next. However, what they recommend at the end doesn't necessarily happen - that is up to a Judge to decide.
For example sometimes they say they recommend the court "consider" a fact finding hearing. But a Judge may decide that isn't necessary and deal with things at the first hearing instead. Did you make any "allegations" about your ex? Or keep it mainly focused about your son?
Thanks for sharing your story Bill, how old is your son? Sorry to hear what you are going through, it’s heartbreaking and I completely empathise, that was the hardest thing I found to go from seeing your kids everyday, to nothing to a set amount of days arbitrarily decided by court. Stay strong.
the first court hearing was because I asked for an urgent hearing, due to me being worried of not knowing what was going on. I am worried that they will take what she has said as gospel and use that in their report without any defence. I spoke about my boy mostly and kept getting stopped because the cafcass officer said I didn’t need that much detail. I was explaining that the little things we did together was my main focus and what I am missing. For example, my boy loves dunking biscuits in milk and we sat together most nights before bed doing this, and did state that not once did the mother come over to dunk biscuits with us or that we went swimming every Sunday since he was 1 and she only came once, even when he begged her to come so he could show her how good he can swim, but mostly was all about him. Cafcass did ask about any safeguarding issues involving her, which I brought up that she tried committing suicide long time before and since then she had quite a lot of mental health issues I:e: stating that the boy doesn’t love her most days in front of him.
Thanks Chris41 he is 5 and It is the hardest thing, his routine became my routine and now I get home (if you can call it that) and don’t know what to do with myself other than cry myself to sleep. I’m just trying to hang it out for him as I know I will see him, hopefully sooner rather than later
The way this process works is - they don't know who is telling the truth. So if any allegations are made on either side, a process has to be gone through. Sometimes GP letters are ordered to be produced (for one or both parents), sometimes hair strand tests for alcohol (if one parent claims the other drinks excessively), sometimes they just weigh up the seriousness of the allegations as some are a bit vague and maybe not going to affect a parent's relationship with the child. Sometimes they order a fact find. It sounds unlikely a fact find hearing will be ordered from what you said to Cafcass, although they might think that you were quite critical of the ex. They like to see at least one parent positive about co parenting, but it was quite a sudden shock for you that she left with your son so you can hardly be expected to start talking about co parenting just yet.
A fact finding hearing is often ordered when both parents make very serious allegations about each other (eg physical abuse or other abuse) which you haven't done.
If there's no fact finding hearing, then some issues can be decided by a Judge and sometimes a section 7 report is ordered (a more in depth Cafcass interview).
So that first urgent hearing - I'm surprised you got an urgent hearing at all as they're quite hard to get, unless it was for a prohibited steps order (to stop someone leaving the country eg).'
You just need to take it one step at a time, and one thing that helps is putting things to one side for a day and then reading them with a more logical view. Eg when first getting a Cafcass letter, most people are upset to read what the ex has said or accused, on first reading, but the next day you can just see it as allegations and focus on the bit at the bottom - ie what Cafcass recommends should happen next. Although it will be for the Judge to decide what happens next, at the next hearing.
There is opportunity, at a first hearing, for negotiations to see if agreement can be reached by consent, whether long term for a consent order, or short term for an interim order.
A fact finding hearing is often ordered when both parents make very serious allegations about each other (eg physical abuse or other abuse) which you haven't done.
If there's no fact finding hearing, then some issues can be decided by a Judge and sometimes a section 7 report is ordered (a more in depth Cafcass interview).
So that first urgent hearing - I'm surprised you got an urgent hearing at all as they're quite hard to get, unless it was for a prohibited steps order (to stop someone leaving the country eg).'
You just need to take it one step at a time, and one thing that helps is putting things to one side for a day and then reading them with a more logical view. Eg when first getting a Cafcass letter, most people are upset to read what the ex has said or accused, on first reading, but the next day you can just see it as allegations and focus on the bit at the bottom - ie what Cafcass recommends should happen next. Although it will be for the Judge to decide what happens next, at the next hearing.
There is opportunity, at a first hearing, for negotiations to see if agreement can be reached by consent, whether long term for a consent order, or short term for an interim order.
Despite any ex getting on the denial of child access bandwagon, based on whater allegations for whatever reason, like so many do. The family court will make the final decision. And their view, and the view of CAFCASS who advise them is, children need both parents in their lives.
Unfortunately, they have an olbligation to investigate whatever crap a mother comes out with, to maintain due diligence to mitigate any potential harm to a child. This takes time.
Us fathers don't need to prove that we are not the coercive, controlling, violent, alcholic, drug fuelled, maniacs these emotionally disturbed women claim us to be. They have to prove we are. Give or take the odd hair-strand test!
The judge presiding won't support these allegations if there is nothing to back it up. There is no evidence to support false allegations.
Acknowledge and accept that you are going to have all sorts of crap thrown at you. Do not react to any of it, except to enforce your position that you simply want your son to have two loving parents. Let her be the obstacle to that and the court will see for themselves.
Position statements should always be professional, concise and emotion, blame and conflict free to show the court that you are the rational one and your focus is your son, not scoring points against the ex.
Buckle up for what could be a year long process consisting of 3 or 4 information gathering hearings spread out between 3 month intervals, before a final hearing to make a decision and a court order setting out the Lives With and Spends Time With arrangements and associated schedule.
Legal representation is not really needed during these information/fact gathering hearings, unless theres a strong reason to require an advocate to speak up for you on your behalf. The final hearing is where having a Direct Access Barrister can be very handy as they will communicate any schedule suggestions with the judge and draft orders there and then that the court agrees with.
Unfortunately, they have an olbligation to investigate whatever crap a mother comes out with, to maintain due diligence to mitigate any potential harm to a child. This takes time.
Us fathers don't need to prove that we are not the coercive, controlling, violent, alcholic, drug fuelled, maniacs these emotionally disturbed women claim us to be. They have to prove we are. Give or take the odd hair-strand test!
The judge presiding won't support these allegations if there is nothing to back it up. There is no evidence to support false allegations.
Acknowledge and accept that you are going to have all sorts of crap thrown at you. Do not react to any of it, except to enforce your position that you simply want your son to have two loving parents. Let her be the obstacle to that and the court will see for themselves.
Position statements should always be professional, concise and emotion, blame and conflict free to show the court that you are the rational one and your focus is your son, not scoring points against the ex.
Buckle up for what could be a year long process consisting of 3 or 4 information gathering hearings spread out between 3 month intervals, before a final hearing to make a decision and a court order setting out the Lives With and Spends Time With arrangements and associated schedule.
Legal representation is not really needed during these information/fact gathering hearings, unless theres a strong reason to require an advocate to speak up for you on your behalf. The final hearing is where having a Direct Access Barrister can be very handy as they will communicate any schedule suggestions with the judge and draft orders there and then that the court agrees with.
I can totally relate to your trauma as many others will on here. Your stated closeness to your boy means that he will be patient and it will all come around but as somebody has said you should prepare for maybe a year of anxiety. Find a release for your nervous energy like working out or swimming. I found that walking helped me to think straight and I had some of my clearest moments when walking, breathing deeply. It will possibly consume you for a few months but let the tears come, lean into your family and friends and stay controlled in your behaviour.
Do you have the possibility to write to him at school? I sent postcards with little poems or sketches on telling my little one that I was still out here thinking about them looking forward to see them. I sent the letters/postcards care of the headteacher and asked for them to be kept at school. I took images of them many months down the line and included them in my statement to show my care and love. I didn't cynically plan it like that but it worked out well.
You're in good supportive company here Bill.
Yes. Sorry if the above was misleading or caused any angst. The court process can take on average a year, but, as I have experienced, interim orders between information gathering hearings have always ordered contact in a contact centre until welfare allegations are resolved.
My most recent judge advised my ex that there will never be a time when I cannot see my son. And educated her on the family courts position that children need both parents, but if one has problems they will permit contact in a contact centre and try to help a parent with problems with the aim of establishing normal, unsupervised time with their child.
I too am back in the court process fighting new allegations even though I had an order. You have to keep fighting. Eventually, the ex runs out of road.
Well I have received the Cafcass letter and I am even more scared than I was. I knew it was going to be hard to read but as they could not contact her they have relied on her social worker who has stated in the letter that I’m a high risk to my boy. This is because not only has she claim abuse on her, which is still not stated what these allegations are due to not being able to get hold of her, but she has stated to them that I am a high risk to my boy because I am harsh and overly punitive towards him and that I provide him with a model of relationship and managing emotions that would be detrimental to him, and they have stated that they would be concerned about unsupervised contact. I was scared before when I thought she was accusing me of abuse on her but to hear that she has made these remarks about how I treated him has really doubled my emotions and I feel like there’s no escape and I am being forced away from him due to these allegations. When in reality it’s the bond between me and him that has upset her and made her jealous, so she felt this was the only way to hurt me and take him away from me. I couldn’t believe it when I was reading the letter because never would I of thought she would say these things regarding me and him, which in my head has taken it to a new level of low from her. Claiming abuse on her is one thing but saying I’ve been harsh and overly punitive on him is a whole new level of cruel. I never would of thought she would use him like this but I guess you really don’t know the dark side of people until it hits. Im just hoping there is some sense used in court and if it comes to it where they suggest supervised contact they I will show them how much we love each other, as long as he forgives me for not seeing him for so long.
I'm sorry to hear that. I suggest you do have a barrister for the hearing and push for supervised time for a period of time, with contact centre reports, leading to unsupervised time within 3 months if the reports are positive. That is one way to prove you are not an emotional risk to your child. A good barrister may also persuade the Judge that the social worker is only reporting what the ex has said.
Ok will try and sort one as court date is 23 of this month. I did think this about social worker as she is working on the mothers behalf and feel she is protecting her like everyone else, it does say in the cafcass report that the social worker is still in process of making final assessments but it’s sounds to me that they will stick with what has been said in previous reports as I can’t defend myself against these allegations
Sorry to hear Bill, really try not to take it to heart, family court is adversarial in its nature. The tendency is for dads just to accept what is thrown at them, you need to be proactive and set the narrative, I only learned this going through family court the second time. Reading your post you were the primary carer she has taken him from the family home and you certainly don’t need to be subjected to supervised contact for your child.