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Stepdad advice needed

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AKentishMan

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Hello everyone, I'm looking for some advice as a stepdad.

Briefest of histories - separated Dad (44) with one child (F, 11) from previous relationship which ended 6 years ago. Long slog but 50/50 care and now get on better with ex than we did when we were together, attending open evenings, karate practise together etc.

I have a new partner who has four kids (F - 11, M - 12, M -17 & M - 19) from two previous relationships. M - 19 lives with his father full-time, other three kids live with her full-time. We have been together for five years, living together for just over 1 year.

The move was instigated by current partner, who thought it was the best thing for everyone as we were apparently 'stuck' before when we lived in two separate households and our relationship wasn't going anywhere. I resisted for a long time as I was not ready to combine our households knowing that our parenting styles are different and her kids' behaviour can sometimes be challenging, but she went ahead and found a very nice house for us in an excellent area, did all the admin for it and made it very hard for me to say no. I aired my concerns but was assured everything would be okay so I decided to give it a go.

I'm really at a loss as to how to explain the rest of this, but (at behest of current partner) we practise what is commonly known as 'nacho' parenting, which involves avoiding negative situations with stepkids, no disciplining etc (even when personal boundaries are over-stepped) and generally keeping our noses out of the parenting of the other's kids.

I do not agree with this approach and believe that we should act as a cohesive unit to give the children a solid foundation at home where they feel safe and can learn from two adults who are always there to support them and help them learn and grow as humans.

As stated above, our parenting styles are very different - I would describe my style as 'firm but fair' where I would expect kids to help with basic chores, general politeness and respect for others with clear rules set and discipline where necessary.

Partner's parenting style is the complete opposite - to an extent I cannot blame her as she has had four kids to contend with on her own in the past and they have found their own equilibrium and rules as a result.

I was expecting to work with partner as a team when we first moved in to set clear ground rules between us that we both agreed on, and then implement them with all of our children but this has not happened (I made it clear that this was to be one of my own personal caveats before we moved in, and she agreed). I have pushed for this since but partner is not interested, and instead wants things to carry on as they were previously with regards to her parenting style being the main one in the house.

I have adapted my own parenting style with my daughter to fall more in line with partner's style, and try my best to adopt the 'nacho' style with the stepkids, but they are challenging and, despite best efforts, I do occasionally get to the point where enough is enough and I have to let the kids know that my boundaries have been over-stepped and this is where things fall down.

Obviously their Mum's instinct is to protect her kids - and I do not blame her for doing so - but, by not teaching her children that I have personal boundaries, they are not learning how to interact with me properly and it also belittles my position within the household.

We split payment of utility bills, rent and food 50/50.

I also cook, clean, wash clothes etc, so I have all the responsibilities of being a step dad, but none of the equality that comes with being responsible for a household.

This obviously causes arguments between my partner and I, with the common theme being that she feels caught in the middle of her kids and I, her kids do not like me, I am too strict, they don't trust me etc and I am basically a horrible person. I found out last night that she has used me as a threat to M - 12 as a way of getting him to do things she asks him, such as "you don't want your stepdad to get upset with me because I am asking you over and over again to do your homework" which obviously broke my heart as she is reinforcing these negative stereotypes of me to her children.

Partner's relationship with my daughter has also changed since we moved in, as they used to like spending time together previously, watching films together, making silly videos, arts and crafts etc but, since we've moved in, partner seems no longer interested in my daughter and only interacts with her when she absolutely has to.

My daughter and her kids get on very well, which is the one saving grace as I am afraid that partner's three kids will gang up on my daughter and make her life hell, but I'm happy to report that this is not the case and they all play together nicely (for now).

I'm also very lucky in that we have a 6th "spare" bedroom in the house, which has been converted into a man cave so I now spend the majority of my time in there when I am not at work, just as a way of staying out of the way, as I feel like hiding is the best way to avoid any sort of confrontation and to allow her kids to move freely around the rest of the house and feel comfortable that they won't bump into me.

We do sometimes have meal times together, and inevitably the kids and I do have interactions around the house, but I do not instigate these interactions - I only speak when spoken to.

This affects my mental health as I do not feel comfortable moving around a house that I am 50% responsible for, and I am scared that any interaction could spark and turn into an argument and equals more sleepless nights and upset between my partner and I - although, as stated before, her children are challenging and I it is not always easy for me to not want to inform them when my boundaries are over-stepped.

My partner often insists on days out with all of us, which can sometimes be challenging as it's here when the challenging behaviours are most prominent.

I just want to bring our two families together as one, with two clear heads of the household (partner and myself) with a clear and fair set of rules and boundaries that combine the best of both our parenting styles but partner seems reluctant to do so.

I love my partner very much and feel that, in the past, she has made me feel genuinely 'seen' and appreciated, which is something I haven't felt before, so I am reluctant to end the relationship but it is getting to the point where I feel as though the only option here is for me and my daughter to go back to the flat I own and let my partner and her kids live in peace and without fear of this ogre that I so apparently seem to be to them.

Does anyone have any similar experiences, and how they were dealt with?

Thanks for reading, if you got this far...I'd love to hear back from any other Dads.
 
Hi and welcome

To be honest this is more a place for those having trouble seeing their own kids, however, I think there are some step dads on here.

So you've bought this house together?

It kind of sounds like you've been used to secure this house

Realise that sounds harsh but the fact she's lost interest in your daughter and hasn't really adapted to what you agreed
 
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Hi @AKentishMan
Would your partner be open to family therapy? Would you be? I really think it may help to air your grievances.

It's a big change for everyone so there will be teething problems.
I do know of 2 lots of people in real life in your situation. And they have similar problems in terms of different parenting styles. There's usually the firmer style parent who clashes with the soft touch style parent.
 
My daughter and her kids get on very well, which is the one saving grace
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That is a big saving grace. And quite important. The issue really then is about you and your partner, both being step-parents and having different views on things. I believe this is very common and I know my partner has struggled with step-parenting issues at times and we have also argued about various things. It goes through phases as well. When my son was much younger we did do the "presenting a united front thing". That changes when they get older somehow (and kids will sometimes try and play adults off against each other - not deliberately - just pre-teens and teens normal behaviour).

There is a very good organisation that does coaching either by email or phone or by attending the occasional course (which is not too expensive) that deals with situations like this all the time - yours is quite common - when both parents are step parents. I would recommend you contact them. I don't think couples counselling would help as this is specifically a step-parenting issue between both of you. And you might need some good professional help to reach a happy equilibrium. I happen to know the people running this are very good.

This is the Instagram page for them. If you tap on the bio link it takes you to the full web page with a lot more information.

Login • Instagram

Welcome back to Instagram. Sign in to check out what your friends, family & interests have been capturing & sharing around the world.
www.instagram.com www.instagram.com

Has a .gov page recommendation as well

www.gov.uk

Be StepWise

Alison O’Mahony runs an organisation called Be StepWise, which helps support step families.
www.gov.uk www.gov.uk
 
There's an article about Nacho parenting here (I've heard of it before but thought it was just an American thing). This paragraph makes it clear it is not for all situations, and that is maybe something your partner needs to take on board - but I think it would help to have someone else on board, rather than that come from you.

How well nacho parenting works in any individual family will also depend on a host of variables. The number of kids each parent brings into the marriage, their ages, and the individual needs of each child will all factor in. Additionally, some families may envision a more traditional arrangement where both parents have equal standing to parent the children.
Click to expand...

www.verywellfamily.com

How to Use "Nacho" Parenting With Your Stepchild

Nacho parenting is a hands-off approach to parenting stepchildren that emphasizes taking a backseat to the custodial parent.
www.verywellfamily.com www.verywellfamily.com
 
Hey welcome 👋🏻

I'm not a step parent so have no experience with that. But I know you shouldn't be feeling the way you do in your own home. Her kids shouldn't be treating you the way they do, even if they are teenagers, it sounds like they may lack respect, awareness, and probably because of how they've been brought up, maybe.

Communication is so important, you should sit down with your partner and really explain how you feel. It might be difficult, especially with the older kids, for them to change, but they need to learn boundaries, respect, etc.

I might have this totally wrong but you shouldn't be feeling like you're an ogre. It sounds like you're just a normal parent, living in a bit of an abnormal environment (because of this nacho parenting?)

You shouldn't feel like you are treading on egg shells around your house. I know how that is and it's not right.

Counseling could be helpful, couples counseling, family therapy like mentioned above.
 
I think they can be really complex dynamics - kids have strong loyalties to both biological parents and often find it hard to fully accept a step-parent if they feel they are being disloyal to their biological Dad for example. One thing I do know (or my partner does) is that no step-parent can discipline a stepchild in the same way as a biological parent. The bond is much more fragile. If a parent yells at a child over something and gives them a real telling off - the child will not reject them for it. They may be miffed for a while but they will accept and forgive because there is a strong bond.

If a step parent did that, the fragile bond can be broken irretrievably. I'm not saying I agree with the nacho thing though. My partner gets frustrated sometimes that she has to ask me to do various bits of disciplining as she knows it won't work from her - and then I get accused of being too soft. But they are usually minor blips.

The main example I can think of was when my son was younger and bedtimes. He wouldn't go to bed. He'd play up, distract, anything but go to bed. My partner used to say - time to go to bed now and he'd ignore her. He'd only do it if I told him to. But I used to be a bit laid back about it and not firm enough so he'd play me up to a degree as well. Eventually my partner would get frustrated with both of us and try the - right go to bed now! And my son would just laugh.

What solved it in the end was a reward chart. Neither of us telling him to go to bed. It was on the reward chart that if he was in bed by a certain time he got another tick and 10 ticks meant a gold star and 5 gold stars meant a reward worth having (it varied). It wasn't just the reward that motivated him - it was the challenge I think - of winning things.

It sounds like you're dealing with older kids though, so that wouldn't be effective - but I do think rewards for achieving things work better than just firm discipline (which can get a pushback).

How does it work the other way? Does your partner discipline your daughter at all? I think you said she ignores her more now - presumably the nacho thing - leaving it up to you. But that sounds like it could come across as disinterest as well. I'd definitely contact that step-parenting site though. Very professional.
 
Only other tip I can think of - for parenting generally - was I used humour a lot. Works well with boys who like jokes and banter. Discipline didn't get through a stand off, but a joke did - then he'd suddenly be more amenable.
 
Just to add - I only have the one child - I knew nothing about parenting and had never been with my ex - was a single Dad from the start. My partner was involved quite early on - we just used to google stuff about parenting! And watched a programme called the three day nanny. I learned loads of tips from that which worked really well. But that's all for younger kids. Sounds like you need her kids onside a bit and both learn mutual respect and boundaries - but that can't happen without you and your partner getting some stuff thrashed out with some help IMO
 
Welcome to the Forum.

I'm sorry to hear that you've gained so much from your relationship after struggling to get free from your last one to know feel like you're at a roadblock.

Its clear from what you've said that what was a parenting challenge has started to carry across into the relationship.

As parents of your own children, joining together was always going to the challenging part of the relationship.

It's clear to see you are emphatic and patient, given what I think is the right interpretation of the situation, namely 1 mum to 4 children of which 3 are boys (!) - a difficult situation and one in which her focussing 'survival' was perhaps a key factor in creating the current situation

This was an interesting read, if you don't mind me saying, as I have thought about this type of situation a lot.

I have a similar concern , namely I try and give my kids equal attention and if there were a lot of kids I would still want to do that, but it would be hard.

Disciplining is the same, you want a fair and equitable system to apply to all but in fairness, the point Ash made is valid, namely unless the children are KS1 or KS2 it is very difficult to not impact your relationship as the step parent, so you're almost forced to offload this to the other adult.

If their Mum doesn't think it's important then potentially that could be addressed in your relationship, specifically in how the disregarding of what you said is truthfully affecting you - if she has been a positive influence for you then it must have been 2 way.

Before doing that though I'd definitely check out the Step Wise link Ash shared, leaning on expertise could make a significant difference in the outcome.

For reference, I'm still at the start of that journey getting out of the marriage and fighting for 50/50 for my 2 kids, would be interested at a later point to hear about your journey and what you learnt from the experience, tips and pitfalls.

Good Luck with this, rooting for you! 🙏
 
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Hey guys, thanks so much to you all for responding - that's way more than expected and it's very much appreciated.

I'm definitely not being used to get the house, as partner is now in a far more difficult situation with regards to school runs than she was in her old house. She also based secondary school decisions for M - 12 based on the new location.

For clarity, we used to live 20 miles apart, with our kids going to local schools in our respective towns - the plan was to move to a town inbetween giving us equal school runs (as we didn't want to take our kids out of their schools at the time). Since we've moved, M - 12 has started secondary school local to the new town we're living in, but her daughter (F - 11) is still going to school in her old town, which is a pain for school runs as she has to travel along a really busy A-road to get her daughter to school, whilst dropping M - 12 off at his new secondary school and M - 17 at college en route. It roughly equals around a 40-50 mile a day school run for her, plus she has to work inbetween (she works from home), and still has all the usual stuff related with parenting her three kids.

She very much likes to remind me that she was better off, school run-wise, in the old house and the current situation is not ideal for her as she's tired from all the driving, there's extra wear and tear on the car, increased fuel bills etc.

My daughter started secondary school this year, but it's in the other direction so neither of us are able to help the other with school runs.

The other thing is that we've recently reviewed our finances and it turns out that partner is worse off financially than she was before, as she has reduced child benefit from the government, plus one of her exes has been playing silly buggers with child support since we moved in (unsurprisingly) and the payment she receives from him has decreased by over half in the last year. There is no way she can afford to live in that house without me there.

The only thing working in her favour is that her Mum has the mortgage on it, and we rent it off her - partner declared herself bankrupt a few years ago as she needed to write off debts left to her by previous relationships, which has put her in an IVA agreement that means she is unable to take on any form of credit (mortgages included) until a year after the IVA has been paid back.

I do not earn enough to have a mortgage on the house on my own, so having her Mum as the mortgage holder with us renting was the only viable option.

I'm sure her Mum would allow them to come up with some sort of arrangement however, so again I do not think I am necessarily needed from that side of things and, going back to schools etc, she's definitely in a worse off position than before so I don't think she would have willingly moved to the new area if she didn't have to, and the only reason we chose our current location is because it was equidistant between our kids' respective schools.

So I think there was genuine intent to make the situation work from her part at some point, but it just hasn't worked out the way she expected - but I'm not sure what she was expecting exactly, as I've always been very clear about my beliefs and what I think parenting should look like and, again, I've never insisted on it being my way or the highway...I believe we can both learn from each other and come up with a hybrid style that suits everyone.
 
MagicJ said:
Welcome to the Forum.

I'm sorry to hear that you've gained so much from your relationship after struggling to get free from your last one to know feel like you're at a roadblock.

Its clear from what you've said that what was a parenting challenge has started to carry across into the relationship.

As parents of your own children, joining together was always going to the challenging part of the relationship.

It's clear to see you are emphatic and patient, given what I think is the right interpretation of the situation, namely 1 mum to 4 children of which 3 are boys (!) - a difficult situation and one in which her focussing 'survival' was perhaps a key factor in creating the current situation

This was an interesting read, if you don't mind me saying, as I have thought about this type of situation a lot.

I have a similar concern , namely I try and give my kids equal attention and if there were a lot of kids I would still want to do that, but it would be hard.

Disciplining is the same, you want a fair and equitable system to apply to all but in fairness, the point Ash made is valid, namely unless the children are KS1 or KS2 it is very difficult to not impact your relationship as the step parent, so you're almost forced to offload this to the other adult.

If their Mum doesn't think it's important then potentially that could be addressed in your relationship, specifically in how the disregarding of what you said is truthfully affecting you - if she has been a positive influence for you then it must have been 2 way.

Before doing that though I'd definitely check out the Step Wise link Ash shared, leaning on expertise could make a significant difference in the outcome.

For reference, I'm still at the start of that journey getting out of the marriage and fighting for 50/50 for my 2 kids, would be interested at a later point to hear about your journey and what you learnt from the experience, tips and pitfalls.

Good Luck with this, rooting for you! 🙏
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Hey @MagicJ - thanks for the response. Here are the biggest tips that helped me during the separation.

- Keep a diary of things that your ex does that you believe to be to the detriment of your children. Times, dates, what/when/where/how.
- Email/text your ex on any matters to do with the children as much as you can. You need that record/audit trail of what's happening.
- If things to do with the children are agreed verbally between you and your ex, follow it up with an email or text to keep the audit trail as concise as possible.
- ALWAYS use the term "in the best interests of the children" as you would need to prove to a court (if it ever comes to that) that you are only acting in the children's best interests. Put them first, ahead of anyone or anything else, and make sure this is documented. The legal system is still antiquated and weighted against Dads that you need to give as much evidence that you love your kids and want what's best for them as possible. You may not get full custody, but if you can demonstrate that you have only acted in your children's best interests, you will more than likely get a better share of their care.
- If it comes to court proceedings, avoid pointing the finger at your ex for the current situation (even if you hate them and want them to die). The court will act favourably towards a parent who focusses on the matter at hand - the care of the children. They will not entertain petty squabbling, name-calling, finger-pointing or general slagging off of ex-partners during legal proceedings.
- The long and short of it is: always put what's best for your kids first throughout the entire thing, and you will be far better off as a result.
 
MagicJ said:
Welcome to the Forum.

I'm sorry to hear that you've gained so much from your relationship after struggling to get free from your last one to know feel like you're at a roadblock.

Its clear from what you've said that what was a parenting challenge has started to carry across into the relationship.

As parents of your own children, joining together was always going to the challenging part of the relationship.

It's clear to see you are emphatic and patient, given what I think is the right interpretation of the situation, namely 1 mum to 4 children of which 3 are boys (!) - a difficult situation and one in which her focussing 'survival' was perhaps a key factor in creating the current situation

This was an interesting read, if you don't mind me saying, as I have thought about this type of situation a lot.

I have a similar concern , namely I try and give my kids equal attention and if there were a lot of kids I would still want to do that, but it would be hard.

Disciplining is the same, you want a fair and equitable system to apply to all but in fairness, the point Ash made is valid, namely unless the children are KS1 or KS2 it is very difficult to not impact your relationship as the step parent, so you're almost forced to offload this to the other adult.

If their Mum doesn't think it's important then potentially that could be addressed in your relationship, specifically in how the disregarding of what you said is truthfully affecting you - if she has been a positive influence for you then it must have been 2 way.

Before doing that though I'd definitely check out the Step Wise link Ash shared, leaning on expertise could make a significant difference in the outcome.

For reference, I'm still at the start of that journey getting out of the marriage and fighting for 50/50 for my 2 kids, would be interested at a later point to hear about your journey and what you learnt from the experience, tips and pitfalls.

Good Luck with this, rooting for you! 🙏
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@MagicJ my biggest piece of advice though, is look after YOURSELF.

Eat well, exercise, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep.

Talk about it with your friends and family if you can, anything you need to do to keep a clear head and focus on your children.

They need you to be strong for them, and the best version of yourself that you possibly can be during this entire process.

It's stressful enough for them as it is; they don't need to see their Dad going down the toilet at the same time as their parents' marriage.

Be their rock, and ensure you're there for them in the best of both physical and mental health at the end of this whole process.
 
AKentishMan said:
@MagicJ my biggest piece of advice though, is look after YOURSELF.

Eat well, exercise, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep.

Talk about it with your friends and family if you can, anything you need to do to keep a clear head and focus on your children.

They need you to be strong for them, and the best version of yourself that you possibly can be during this entire process.

It's stressful enough for them as it is; they don't need to see their Dad going down the toilet at the same time as their parents' marriage.

Be their rock, and ensure you're there for them in the best of both physical and mental health at the end of this whole process.
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Well said Kentish 👏🏻
I'm early on in the process, haven't seen my daughter in 5 months, had false allegations, arrested, bailed, finally it was NFA'd, it's been a horrendous time and I've tried my best to be strong mentally and physically for my daughter. She's only 2 so doesn't know what's happening, thankfully, but I'm doing it all for her, for us.

Keeping it child focused is absolute key, I've come to learn that quickly.

Some really good tips as well, regarding the documenting, following up with an email after agreeing things verbally etc, thanks for that, I'm still learning how to navigate all of this.
 
winger said:
Well said Kentish 👏🏻
I'm early on in the process, haven't seen my daughter in 5 months, had false allegations, arrested, bailed, finally it was NFA'd, it's been a horrendous time and I've tried my best to be strong mentally and physically for my daughter. She's only 2 so doesn't know what's happening, thankfully, but I'm doing it all for her, for us.

Keeping it child focused is absolute key, I've come to learn that quickly.

Some really good tips as well, regarding the documenting, following up with an email after agreeing things verbally etc, thanks for that, I'm still learning how to navigate all of this.
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Wow @winger that sounds absolutely horrific.

I can't imagine not seeing my daughter for that amount of time.

It's hard enough going 50/50 as it is, and saying goodbye to my daughter at the end of my week (knowing I won't see her for the next seven days) never, ever gets easier.

In fact, the older she gets and the stronger our bond grows, the harder it becomes.

I'm pretty lucky in that I've gone 50/50 on her care ever since she was born, and even before her Mum and I split up; we'd take it in turn to do feeds, nappies, bathtimes, bedtimes, nursery and school runs, everything.

I appreciate your daughter is 2 so hasn't got a clue what's going on, but it's still important for her to have that male figure in her life as much as possible.

Are you seeing her regularly now?
 
I was the same with my daughter, since she was born I was a stay at home father with her up until she was 18 months, so we have a very strong amazing father-daughter relationship, I feel really fortunate that we have that, she is for sure a daddy's girl 🥰

I was arrested when she was 18 months, and haven't seen her since then, which was June. It has been absolutely the worst time of my life, but I know it'll end and we'll be together again very soon.

So we did have that, like you and your kids, which is so important, and I think that counts a lot towards the court too do you think? They'll see that we had that together.

I'm still getting my head around it all and what I should say to put across that I'm a great father and the bond my daughter and I have.
 
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The frustrating thing is, that a lot of the getting across has to wait till a final hearing, when you can submit a full statement with evidence.
 
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