Section 7 undertaking, ex trying to manipulate Cafcass?

[Ash]

They recommend she be allowed to come this summer for a holiday. (Pees me off they describe time with me in my home as a holiday just because I live overseas)

There is so much I could comment on Hobnob, but Stay Strong has said it in a nutshell. It's biased! Cafcass infuriate me too. They are simply strongly biased to the Mother. They see HER point of view, not the kids point of view and this is what makes me angry. I had something similar when it got to the point where my ex was in serious risk of losing residency after many breaches, a judgement against her, costs awarded - history of attempted parental alienation. The next time I enforced, Cafcass ganged up and believed everything the Mother said DENYING my child. That's what makes me angry - they are harmful to childrens relationships because they support Mothers, not children. When they think the Mother is at risk of losing the kids they side with her. If they think the Mother is alienating they still think the kids belong with Mum so they deny the alienation. But more importantly, Cafcass are NOT trained to understand or recognise alienation. They are not fit for purpose. My ex blatantly lied to Cafcass - about my son - and they believed her.

Ok rant over. Listen to Stay Strong - it's just another piece of paper. Your and your barrister's job is to persuade the Judge. So here are the positives - Cafcass have recommended time with your daughters. That's it in a nutshell. Look at what they have not said. They have not said "indirect contact only" (except for your son basically and I'll come back to that). They have not said anything bad about you - because there isn't anything bad. They have said your daughters SHOULD stay with you. No holds barred on youngest daughter. They have failed to see that middle daughter is mirroring her Mother's anxieties and these are not her own. How old is middle daughter by the way?

What they have clearly shown is that your son has "aligned" with his Mother. That is the Mother's fault and they are denying that. They vaguely talk about the Mother reinforcing positivity without saying that she has been failing to do that! That's a bit like asking an addict to stop being an addict.

They have xxxxed up my sistuation with phone calls before. Ex said son should be able to phone her "whenever he wants". Cafcass said - you must let him phone his Mum whenever he wants. I said - he doesn't want to - he never has before in 8 years, he prefers to just get on with his life with us. Upshot was son was then "required" by Mum to have phone contact every day. Luckily my ex prefers text (on a phone that was locked and I wasn't allowed the unlock code!). So I set boundaries - with advice from that excellent "toxic ex" book. The phone lived on the kitchen table. My son could only check it for messages once a day between 4 and 6pm. He didn't need it for anything else because I bought him another smartphone for use in my home (so he could still play games on it) and a games console in the living room. This worked very well - it mentally separated our home life from the phone in the kitchen. He minimised the texting anyway as he really wasn't interested. That worked well when he was younger but once he got to 12 and had his phone on him all the time (as they do) and had got used to this during lockdown - that didn't work any more. My ex constantly messages him the entire time he's with me.

Thankfully it doesn't affect him- he learned to compartmentalise. And stays the same boy when here. But it does put him under pressure.

Anyway to get back to your report.

At court you need to argue that

1) The week-end visits have been going extremely well since January, without phone contact/facetime. Your daughters are only with you overnight and phone contact would be disruptive and unnecessary for such a short time and you have concerns the Mother would convey her anxieties to the girls and make them anxious too - hence disrupting the time.
2) You have no objection to phone contact with the Mother during school holiday time with you.
3) Middle daughter is x years old and will be away from home on school trips at times, as well as visiting you, where phone contact with parents is NOT permitted for the very reason it disrupts the childrens ability to learn independence and because they are in the care of trusted people.
4) It is not feasible for middle daughter to come abroad for only two days due to the travel time and this would be unsuitable for her, having so much travel time in two days, so she should come for a week initially, during which time you would allow phone contact with Mum, once a day. That to help her adjust with this, the girls should spend two nights with you during the monthly visits, without phone contact, to help them adjust. That you are their Father, they know and love you and would have no issue spending a week with you because of that trusted bond. That these are the Mothers anxieties, not the childrens (your barrister will make that point well - it's what they are good at).
4) That you have grave concerns about your son's mental health and feel he has been told untruths which have led to him "aligning" with one parent and rejecting the other, and ask for psychologists reports on both parents.

That is up to you whether you ask for psychologists reports - they cost money - but they override Cafcass. They are a higher level of expert report and the Judge will need to follow the expert recommendations. Cafcass will NEVER bring themselves to admit that the Mother has alienated the son because that would mean your son possibly being transferred to live with you and Cafcass do not like taking children away from Mothers - this is how they enable parental alienation. Their belief that the mother is more important, extends to Cafcass denial of PA rather than taking a child away from a Mother. So they allow it to continue! And make excuses - and the child gets no help. I am honestly not sure whether even private counselling would help, all the while he is living with his Mother - because she will question him and coach him and he will worry his Mother will find out, from the counsellor what he has said so won't feel free to open up. On top of that - he will genuinely be confused and conflicted.

By saying you can write a letter to your son they are essentially saying "indirect contact only" with your son. How old is he? A teenager? Even if Cafcass are there and go through the letter with him, your ex will keep filling his head with stuff. She probably treats him as "the man of the family" since you left and has probably "adultified" him. It's not healthy. Cafcass are seeing this as normal - that he is being protective of his Mother. That IS parental alienation! Sometimes parental alienation is not even deliberate - it is accidentally caused by the Mother showing distress and opening up to a child who feels they have to "split" and choose one parent over the other - divided loyalties. They are allowed to enjoy happy loving relationships with both parents. The only thing that is preventing that is your ex. Cafcass are DENYING that the ex has any power whatsoever, over how your son feels or believes. She has had immense power.

I find it interesting, if you don't mind, that in so many cases, it is the youngest who feels most able to say what they really want. I've seen that before. It suggests that alienating parents work hardest on the older ones.

I'm sorry to ask as you've probably said before but what ages are your three children?

Anyway before I rant on any more. The Cafcass report is mostly vague and woolly. The important thing is - there are NO welfare issues with you. There is NO reason for your children not to see you. They have IGNORED welfare issues with the Mother and see her as the "protective parent". Yeah right.

So this now comes down to a Judge making a good order and your barrister persuading him what should be in that order.

 

[Ash]

Cafcass are also biased towards Mothers when Dad has another partner/wife, and empathise with her. Do they do the same in reverse? No! If the ex has an affair and leaves and marries someone else - she is still seen as the main family with the stepfather. Cafcass attitudes to men and Fathers is outrageous. Partly it's not their fault - they are trained to a feminist model of social work. You want to read Karen Woodall about that - she has strong feelings about social worker and Cafcass training! It doesn't protect children.

Right now the most important thing is - your kids KNOW you are fighting for them. This undermines everything your ex ever said - that you abandoned them etc. This gives them confidence to risk annoying their Mother (and that is a huge thing - kids need to protect themselves as well as they're dependent on the parent they live with). Your son, being a boy, may be different. Take things more personally and make more judgements - some of that "might" be personal hurt - but it has all been created by your ex. Which you and we know and Cafcass denies.

How is he going to feel if he now finds out his Mother lied to him? Conflicted. Counselling "might" help him. I think there is an argument to say that your son should spend some time with you separately initially.

Do you know what the next hearing is? Is it final hearing?

 

[Hobnob]

I'll reply more fully in a while. Just digesting all of your comments.

My son has just turned 13. He's very intelligent and studious but incredibly sensitive and withdrawn. I don't understand why Cafcass are not instructing his mother to tell him the TRUTH of why and how I left if he's buried the memories. He's been fed a pack of lies about me and allowed to think these things with no one correcting him.

My middle daughter is 10, turning 11 in 4 months. Cafcass told me verbally that she is aligned with her mother. She's very loving and caring with me and also very intelligent but she has her mother's insecurities and anxiety unfortunately. Her mother favours her and infantizes her. When I go to collect her she regresses into a 2 year old child who won't make eye contact and speaks in a baby voice once with me she's absolutely fine and comes out of her shell. Ex also uses her as her flying monkey to gather information and report back. She asks me a lot of questions which I know haven't come from my daughter. Quite often asking me questions about my wife and about finances!

My youngest is 7 going on 8 next month and to be honest, I don't think she particularly likes her mother at all. She's always been the black sheep in the family and the ex can't cope with her. She's a beautiful outgoing girl full of confidence which my ex is jealous of and sees as a bad thing. She has constantly tried to get referrals for my youngest stating she has neurodevelopmental problems, sensory issues, she's claimed that she's violent, risk taking, verbally abusive. All referrals have said the same thing, shes a perfectly normal clever sweet little girl and has no issues. She has consistently said she wants to live with daddy but obviously she's too young to make that decision. Interestingly, Cafcass did the planet thing with middle daughter to see where she wants to live and she put mum and siblings in the green planet and me in the amber planet. But she didn't do the same exercise with my youngest daughter. Had she have done, I wouldn't have been surprised if she'd have put me in the green and her mother on the red planet (exile). She's the only one who's completely resisted the alienation and has always come out with me every time I've been to have the kids. But she still cuts me off with contact in between visits as her mother removes her phone from her so she can't message me, and previously made phone calls so stressful and pressured that my daughter was extremely distressed and now refuses any and all calls with me. The kids have told Cafcass they don't like messaging me and calling me. They never had a problem with this before until the ex began monitoring all communication and involving herself on all of their calls.
Of the 3 children I believe my youngest has somehow been resilient enough to cope with her mother's behaviour and not let it sway her. On my last visit she drew me a picture of a love heart and wrote "to big daddio" and under the heart "never broken". I know she adores me and is only 7 but I really felt she was giving me a message that no matter how determined someone else is to keep us apart, our bond will never be broken . It meant so much to me, and I may be reading too much into that. But she is so astute. She's asked the questions to me others have ignored, like, "why do you have to ask mummy if I can stay with you, you're my dad", and "why can't you show me to xxxxx" - referring to my wife who she hadn't met at the time as ex wouldn't allow it. (I did it without ex's 'permission' in the end as we had been together for over 3 years and were engaged!) When youngest daughter met my wife, although we weren't yet married, she immediately said "I'm your kid now". When we told her we were getting married she was absolutely delighted and told my then fiancé, "you're my new mum now". Maybe I read too much into these things as I know kids say the funniest things as the saying goes.... But, she immediately took to my wife and was so close with her, she loved her. Unfortunately she's not seen her since. My youngest has always wanted to be with me.
Cafcass care nothing about this, and the mother is so selfish she wants to prevent her from spending time with me and my wife and step children together. I'm starting to go off on a tangent again....

I'll stop there for now and come back about the rest of your message.

The next hearing is a directions/dispute resolution hearing with Cafcass mediation taking place too.

 

[StayStrong]

I'll reply more fully in a while. Just digesting all of your comments.

My son has just turned 13. He's very intelligent and studious but incredibly sensitive and withdrawn. I don't understand why Cafcass are not instructing his mother to tell him the TRUTH of why and how I left if he's buried the memories. He's been fed a pack of lies about me and allowed to think these things with no one correcting him.

My middle daughter is 10, turning 11 in 4 months. Cafcass told me verbally that she is aligned with her mother. She's very loving and caring with me and also very intelligent but she has her mother's insecurities and anxiety unfortunately. Her mother favours her and infantizes her. When I go to collect her she regresses into a 2 year old child who won't make eye contact and speaks in a baby voice once with me she's absolutely fine and comes out of her shell. Ex also uses her as her flying monkey to gather information and report back. She asks me a lot of questions which I know haven't come from my daughter. Quite often asking me questions about my wife and about finances!

My youngest is 7 going on 8 next month and to be honest, I don't think she particularly likes her mother at all. She's always been the black sheep in the family and the ex can't cope with her. She's a beautiful outgoing girl full of confidence which my ex is jealous of and sees as a bad thing. She has constantly tried to get referrals for my youngest stating she has neurodevelopmental problems, sensory issues, she's claimed that she's violent, risk taking, verbally abusive. All referrals have said the same thing, shes a perfectly normal clever sweet little girl and has no issues. She has consistently said she wants to live with daddy but obviously she's too young to make that decision. Interestingly, Cafcass did the planet thing with middle daughter to see where she wants to live and she put mum and siblings in the green planet and me in the amber planet. But she didn't do the same exercise with my youngest daughter. Had she have done, I wouldn't have been surprised if she'd have put me in the green and her mother on the red planet (exile). She's the only one who's completely resisted the alienation and has always come out with me every time I've been to have the kids. But she still cuts me off with contact in between visits as her mother removes her phone from her so she can't message me, and previously made phone calls so stressful and pressured that my daughter was extremely distressed and now refuses any and all calls with me. The kids have told Cafcass they don't like messaging me and calling me. They never had a problem with this before until the ex began monitoring all communication and involving herself on all of their calls.
Of the 3 children I believe my youngest has somehow been resilient enough to cope with her mother's behaviour and not let it sway her. On my last visit she drew me a picture of a love heart and wrote "to big daddio" and under the heart "never broken". I know she adores me and is only 7 but I really felt she was giving me a message that no matter how determined someone else is to keep us apart, our bond will never be broken . It meant so much to me, and I may be reading too much into that. But she is so astute. She's asked the questions to me others have ignored, like, "why do you have to ask mummy if I can stay with you, you're my dad", and "why can't you show me to xxxxx" - referring to my wife who she hadn't met at the time as ex wouldn't allow it. (I did it without ex's 'permission' in the end as we had been together for over 3 years and were engaged!) When youngest daughter met my wife, although we weren't yet married, she immediately said "I'm your kid now". When we told her we were getting married she was absolutely delighted and told my then fiancé, "you're my new mum now". Maybe I read too much into these things as I know kids say the funniest things as the saying goes.... But, she immediately took to my wife and was so close with her, she loved her. Unfortunately she's not seen her since. My youngest has always wanted to be with me.
Cafcass care nothing about this, and the mother is so selfish she wants to prevent her from spending time with me and my wife and step children together. I'm starting to go off on a tangent again....

I'll stop there for now and come back about the rest of your message.

The next hearing is a directions/dispute resolution hearing with Cafcass mediation taking place too.

That's very moving and well written Hobnob, take strength from your ability to articulate, it's very apparent you can stay strong for all of your children.

SS.

 

[Hobnob]

There is so much I could comment on Hobnob, but Stay Strong has said it in a nutshell. It's biased! Cafcass infuriate me too. They are simply strongly biased to the Mother. They see HER point of view, not the kids point of view and this is what makes me angry. I had something similar when it got to the point where my ex was in serious risk of losing residency after many breaches, a judgement against her, costs awarded - history of attempted parental alienation. The next time I enforced, Cafcass ganged up and believed everything the Mother said DENYING my child. That's what makes me angry - they are harmful to childrens relationships because they support Mothers, not children. When they think the Mother is at risk of losing the kids they side with her. If they think the Mother is alienating they still think the kids belong with Mum so they deny the alienation. But more importantly, Cafcass are NOT trained to understand or recognise alienation. They are not fit for purpose. My ex blatantly lied to Cafcass - about my son - and they believed her.

Ok rant over. Listen to Stay Strong - it's just another piece of paper. Your and your barrister's job is to persuade the Judge. So here are the positives - Cafcass have recommended time with your daughters. That's it in a nutshell. Look at what they have not said. They have not said "indirect contact only" (except for your son basically and I'll come back to that). They have not said anything bad about you - because there isn't anything bad. They have said your daughters SHOULD stay with you. No holds barred on youngest daughter. They have failed to see that middle daughter is mirroring her Mother's anxieties and these are not her own. How old is middle daughter by the way?

What they have clearly shown is that your son has "aligned" with his Mother. That is the Mother's fault and they are denying that. They vaguely talk about the Mother reinforcing positivity without saying that she has been failing to do that! That's a bit like asking an addict to stop being an addict.

They have xxxxed up my sistuation with phone calls before. Ex said son should be able to phone her "whenever he wants". Cafcass said - you must let him phone his Mum whenever he wants. I said - he doesn't want to - he never has before in 8 years, he prefers to just get on with his life with us. Upshot was son was then "required" by Mum to have phone contact every day. Luckily my ex prefers text (on a phone that was locked and I wasn't allowed the unlock code!). So I set boundaries - with advice from that excellent "toxic ex" book. The phone lived on the kitchen table. My son could only check it for messages once a day between 4 and 6pm. He didn't need it for anything else because I bought him another smartphone for use in my home (so he could still play games on it) and a games console in the living room. This worked very well - it mentally separated our home life from the phone in the kitchen. He minimised the texting anyway as he really wasn't interested. That worked well when he was younger but once he got to 12 and had his phone on him all the time (as they do) and had got used to this during lockdown - that didn't work any more. My ex constantly messages him the entire time he's with me.

Thankfully it doesn't affect him- he learned to compartmentalise. And stays the same boy when here. But it does put him under pressure.

Anyway to get back to your report.

At court you need to argue that

1) The week-end visits have been going extremely well since January, without phone contact/facetime. Your daughters are only with you overnight and phone contact would be disruptive and unnecessary for such a short time and you have concerns the Mother would convey her anxieties to the girls and make them anxious too - hence disrupting the time.
2) You have no objection to phone contact with the Mother during school holiday time with you.
3) Middle daughter is x years old and will be away from home on school trips at times, as well as visiting you, where phone contact with parents is NOT permitted for the very reason it disrupts the childrens ability to learn independence and because they are in the care of trusted people.
4) It is not feasible for middle daughter to come abroad for only two days due to the travel time and this would be unsuitable for her, having so much travel time in two days, so she should come for a week initially, during which time you would allow phone contact with Mum, once a day. That to help her adjust with this, the girls should spend two nights with you during the monthly visits, without phone contact, to help them adjust. That you are their Father, they know and love you and would have no issue spending a week with you because of that trusted bond. That these are the Mothers anxieties, not the childrens (your barrister will make that point well - it's what they are good at).
4) That you have grave concerns about your son's mental health and feel he has been told untruths which have led to him "aligning" with one parent and rejecting the other, and ask for psychologists reports on both parents.

That is up to you whether you ask for psychologists reports - they cost money - but they override Cafcass. They are a higher level of expert report and the Judge will need to follow the expert recommendations. Cafcass will NEVER bring themselves to admit that the Mother has alienated the son because that would mean your son possibly being transferred to live with you and Cafcass do not like taking children away from Mothers - this is how they enable parental alienation. Their belief that the mother is more important, extends to Cafcass denial of PA rather than taking a child away from a Mother. So they allow it to continue! And make excuses - and the child gets no help. I am honestly not sure whether even private counselling would help, all the while he is living with his Mother - because she will question him and coach him and he will worry his Mother will find out, from the counsellor what he has said so won't feel free to open up. On top of that - he will genuinely be confused and conflicted.

By saying you can write a letter to your son they are essentially saying "indirect contact only" with your son. How old is he? A teenager? Even if Cafcass are there and go through the letter with him, your ex will keep filling his head with stuff. She probably treats him as "the man of the family" since you left and has probably "adultified" him. It's not healthy. Cafcass are seeing this as normal - that he is being protective of his Mother. That IS parental alienation! Sometimes parental alienation is not even deliberate - it is accidentally caused by the Mother showing distress and opening up to a child who feels they have to "split" and choose one parent over the other - divided loyalties. They are allowed to enjoy happy loving relationships with both parents. The only thing that is preventing that is your ex. Cafcass are DENYING that the ex has any power whatsoever, over how your son feels or believes. She has had immense power.

I find it interesting, if you don't mind, that in so many cases, it is the youngest who feels most able to say what they really want. I've seen that before. It suggests that alienating parents work hardest on the older ones.

I'm sorry to ask as you've probably said before but what ages are your three children?

Anyway before I rant on any more. The Cafcass report is mostly vague and woolly. The important thing is - there are NO welfare issues with you. There is NO reason for your children not to see you. They have IGNORED welfare issues with the Mother and see her as the "protective parent". Yeah right.

So this now comes down to a Judge making a good order and your barrister persuading him what should be in that order.

Ash, those points exactly mirror my own. Would you build the position statement around those or go through each specific point on the report I don't agree with?

The court order from the last hearing says both parties to submit a statement of response to the child impact analysis report stating what they do and don't agree with and why.

 

[Ash]

Ok so not final hearing yet. It could be an opportunity to ask for psychologists reports, but you might not want to do that. Cafcass mediation sounds like negotiations - and trying to get you to agree to things. Do you know if it will be the same Cafcass officer? It can often be a different one at court, which in this situation could be a good thing. Stick to your guns about middle daughter visiting for longer - highlight the practicalities. Express the concerns about the Mother putting her anxieties onto the children. Stress that there are no welfare issues and the sooner the children get into a stable schedule the better, but the Mother needs to accept a stable schedule of time.

 

[Hobnob]

That's very moving and well written Hobnob, take strength from your ability to articulate, it's very apparent you can stay strong for all of your children.

SS.

Thanks, I'm glad it comes across.

 

[Ash]

Ash, those points exactly mirror my own. Would you build the position statement around those or go through each specific point on the report I don't agree with?

The court order from the last hearing says both parties to submit a statement of response to the child impact analysis report stating what they do and don't agree with and why.

This statement is quite important. Many Dads get angry in their responses - don't show anger as such - be more measured and clever. Presumably you can run it by the barrister.

 

[Hobnob]

Ok so not final hearing yet. It could be an opportunity to ask for psychologists reports, but you might not want to do that. Cafcass mediation sounds like negotiations - and trying to get you to agree to things. Do you know if it will be the same Cafcass officer? It can often be a different one at court, which in this situation could be a good thing. Stick to your guns about middle daughter visiting for longer - highlight the practicalities. Express the concerns about the Mother putting her anxieties onto the children. Stress that there are no welfare issues and the sooner the children get into a stable schedule the better, but the Mother needs to accept a stable schedule of time.

The Cafcass officer assigned to our case has told me they will be attending. But then she's also put the wrong date in the report for the hearing.
She will also be the officer assigned to the family assistance order to 'befriend' mum.

 

[Hobnob]

This statement is quite important. Many Dads get angry in their responses - don't show anger as such - be more measured and clever. Presumably you can run it by the barrister.

I hope he has time to look over it. I don't have my first consult with him until Wednesday as I've only just instructed him - which is after the position statement has to be submitted.

Is it typical that you must number each specific point of the report you disagree with and why, or just write something that's more general and summarises your current position?

 

[Ash]

The Cafcass officer assigned to our case has told me they will be attending. But then she's also put the wrong date in the report for the hearing.
She will also be the officer assigned to the family assistance order to 'befriend' mum.

Hmm I am wondering if you should be asking for someone else to be assigned. You'd need advice on that.

If you have to submit a statement before Wednesday that is soon! That is quite a big task. I think you could generalise partly but refer to specific points (as in quoting them or the paragraph number or part of what is said). If you want me to look over it before it goes, I'm happy to.

I think it should be clear which bits you agree with, which bits you don't agree with and why. And what issues you foresee unless the court is aware that the Mother is resistant to the children spending time with you generally. And that the children have no reason not to enjoy time with both parents and both families but are under pressure to try and please both parents or something.

 

[Hobnob]

Hmm I am wondering if you should be asking for someone else to be assigned. You'd need advice on that.

If you have to submit a statement before Wednesday that is soon! That is quite a big task. I think you could generalise partly but refer to specific points (as in quoting them or the paragraph number or part of what is said). If you want me to look over it before it goes, I'm happy to.

I think it should be clear which bits you agree with, which bits you don't agree with and why. And what issues you foresee unless the court is aware that the Mother is resistant to the children spending time with you generally. And that the children have no reason not to enjoy time with both parents and both families but are under pressure to try and please both parents or something.

Thanks Ash. It's Monday 4pm the deadline for the statement. What grounds for a different Cafcass officer assigned? Wouldn't that be dangerous and put a black mark against me with Cafcass? I imagine they all back each other up.

I'm going to ask my barrister to look over it too, thanks I'd definitely appreciate your support with it.

 

[StayStrong]

I hope he has time to look over it. I don't have my first consult with him until Wednesday as I've only just instructed him - which is after the position statement has to be submitted.

Is it typical that you must number each specific point of the report you disagree with and why, or just write something that's more general and summarises your current position?

You must cross refer to the report numbering.

Open your statement as Ash describes above, but focus first on th importance of children having both parents actively engaged in their lives. This enables you to suggest that while the report does say this, and there are no welfare issues, the recomendation isn't in any way suitable to this aim, or, indeed, fair (facetime eg).
Then use cross reference to the report to demonstate why.

That's really brief but I hope it guides you. May I ask when you knew when your statement was due? It appears you have v little time and a good case to ask for a submission delay, especially since you are now seeking legal assistance in its production.

SS.

 

[Hobnob]

You must cross refer to the report numbering.

Open your statement as Ash describes above, but focus first on th importance of children having both parents actively engaged in their lives. This enables you to suggest that while the report does say this, and there are no welfare issues, the recomendation isn't in any way suitable to this aim, or, indeed, fair (facetime eg).
Then use cross reference to the report to demonstate why.

That's really brief but I hope it guides you. May I ask when you knew when your statement was due? It appears you have v little time and a good case to ask for a submission delay, especially since you are now seeking legal assistance in its production.

SS.

Hi SS, I knew in May that the statement was due on Monday but only had sight of the report 2 days ago. The report was late and I had to chase it up. The judge allowed one week between the deadline for the report and for the position statement to be submitted.

To be honest it's taken me a couple of days to digest it so I'll be getting on with the statement tomorrow.

I already have the bones of it in my comments to the barrister on the recommendations. But I appreciate your input as that seems a good place to start it.

At my FHDRA, I submitted a timeline alongside my position statement, as did the other party. The judge made no reference to it and wrote in the court order from the FHDRA that only documents requested by the court should be submitted at the next hearing. That being the position statement.
I've read on this forum previously that some applicants and respondents submit an updated timeline of events at each hearing. Do you think it wise not to do this in view of what the judge has written in the last order or is it standard to include one anyway?
If I include one it will show my visits with the kids, missed calls where they have declined my calls, not speaking to them on father's day, refusal by the ex to allow me to see the children on a weekend in July, and sending my son a birthday card and gift etc. Anything significant since the last hearing. What are your thoughts on this please?

 

[StayStrong]

A 'timeline' is referred to as a "Chronology" and is standard practice. But it must be pertinent and not dominate your submission.

Your delayed receipt of the report allows you to delay your response submission. The opening paragraph should a) note the date the submission was to be made, b) apologise to the Court that submission was made later, c) give the reason why.

In all of this keep it entirely factual. Avoid emotion at all times. Read and re-read, always remember less is more without emotion.

(I understand entirely that when legal crosses into bloodline it is incredibly difficult to seperate emotion from fact. But you must do this absolutely, and I am confident you can).

SS.

 

[Ash]

When is the next hearing? ie how far away? Do these statements have to be shared with the other party or just submitted to court? On this occasion I wouldn't submit a timeline (your last one should be on file anyway) and just mention anything of note in the position statement (just before the hearing). Regardless of this statement and its submission time, you can always do a position statement before a hearing (to basically just update the position - what's happened, what's not right, what went wrong, what has worked well - with a kind of conclusion as to what you'd like to see next.

Having said that, if your Barrister is acting for you, it might not be necessary to do a position statement for the next hearing. He might do it - or decide to use arguments instead.

 

[Hobnob]

Position statements have been submitted to the court along with my proposal for an interim and full order.
My barrister assisted and I'm happy that my statement is concise and positive in response to the section 7 report.

What I've received from the other side though has shocked me to the core. 17 paragraphs which completely slate me, disagree with all of Cafcass recommendations and she criticises the Cafcass officer throughout.

She bigs herself up at the start, claiming all credit for the children's achievements and states that this is despite the challenges of the court case for the last 2 years (I only applied to court 7 months ago).

She uses statements like "I'm disappointed that Cafcass have failed to recognise....",
"Cafcass have spent only 2 hours with the applicant and are therefore unable to properly assess his parenting capabilities", "I do not agree with Cafcass's assessment of my daughters wishes", "whilst X may appear happy to visit her father, I do not believe she full grasps the reality of the situation".

She claims that my almost 8 year old daughter cannot go to the toilet without her mother and that she doesn't go the toilet the whole of the school day and teachers are aware. This is news to me because I've had no such problems and have taken her to the toilet in numerous shops, cafes, public toilets etc... She also states it takes her 4 hours to put her to bed at night - again, something I have no problems with.

She berates me for never having spent 48 hours with my daughters since I've been having contact - however, this had been due to the mother's refusal to allow me to have them for longer, and her refusal of overnight stays until the last 2 months !

She "invites" the judge to order that I must attend an anger management programme and a parenting course. She calls me a bully, unreliable, a liar, states I have a lack of parental responsibility. She's told blatant lies, saying I didn't provide a car seat for my daughter (I have email proof to show it was agreed that when I had my daughter, I would be allowed to use daughter's own car seat - I also have dozens of photographs of daughter sat in her car seat). She's also brought my wife into the statement accusing her of making malicious reports against her to social services and the DWP, again this is false.

She disagrees with all of Cafcass recommendations that I'm to have my daughters abroad where I live and says it will negatively impact their emotional well-being. She disregards Cafcass assessment that my home is suitable and states again that it is unsuitable and states the judge agrees with her. She also says the children can't go to a foreign country where they don't know the area or anyone else there and they don't speak English!

She states that Cafcass recommendation that she facilitates phone calls for me with the children will not work because despite "trying her best" the children don't want to speak to me.

She finally agrees with the family assistance order - which is strange because she doesn't agree with a single one of the recommendations within it .

I have a telephone meeting with my barrister over the weekend to prepare for the directions hearing on Monday, but I'm just wondering, with this level of hostility towards me and her refusal to accept Cafcass recommendations and observations, will this look bad on her in court?

She's also making noises that I won't see my children as agreed after court. I asked to have them afterwards for an overnight stay with me before I fly back which was agreed. However my middle daughter tested positive for covid on Tuesday and now the mother is saying she has to have 2 negative LFT's before Monday if I'm to see her.

I sent a polite email stating that as there is now no requirement for children to test or isolate and if they have no high temperature and feel well enough then govt guidance states that they can go to school, therefore if she feels ok I see no reason why I shouldn't still have my daughters as agreed. She replied with a sarcastic comment implying I have no concern for my daughter, followed by, I will have to let you know because I want to spend an hour with them myself after court. I suspect if the hearing doesn't go her way she will refuse to let me have them and say she's too stressed to let the children come because of my actions (taking her to court).

Any comments on this? This will be the first time Cafcass have been in court as they weren't present at the FHDRA. The section 7 seemed to be very favourable to the mother, (was also positive about myself and no safeguarding concerns), but in light of the mother's response, and the fact that the same Cafcass officer will be involved with mum and kids for the next 6 months to assist, I do wonder if the Cafcass officer will now begin to understand the level of hostility and obstruction she is inflicting and how Cafcass might react?

 

[Hobnob]

Oh and one other thing. She titled the position statement
Mr. XXXX v Ms. XXXX. Not sure if that matters but it seemed very telling to me !
She also referred to me throughout as either "the Applicant" or "him". Not as Dad or by my name. Wonder if they'll pick up on the tone of it?

 

[Ash]

She sounds bonkers. That won't do her any favours at all. She shows clearly she's not supportive of the kids having a relationship with you. She shows clearly she is antagonistic towards your wife. The only clever bit there is claiming your wife reported her to agencies as it suggests hostility between the two women (even though it's one sided). I would definitely make some brief notes for your barrister before the hearing. Photocopy her statement and annotate it - eg highlight the odd bit and write "not true - no such reports were made to either social services or dwp by either myself or my wife - this is totally fabricated" in the margin next to it eg. That will help him prepare an argument for the hearing when he has the other side of it.

Yes it's very telling that she's titled it Mr XXX vs Ms XXX - she is painting it as a war between the two of you and not about the children,

I mentioned previously about all of your things coming across as positive about co parenting/saying nothing negative about the ex. This is exactly why - it shows that only one parent is the high conflict one. If both parents criticize the other, then it's classed as "conflict between parents".

She really does sound like a parental alienator. If I was Cafcass I would be very concerned about the stress she is putting the kids under. If she feels she might be losing, she could step up pressure on the kids to reject. This is cause for an argument for emotional harm. But maybe not at this stage.

It's very tricky. Really you should be seeking residency as she is clearly never going to accept a regular relationship for you with the kids. But that wouldn't be possible at this stage I think, because they'd need to see things starting up and happening regularly before they could just uproot the kids and send them abroad permanently. The family assistance order should help but I suspect your ex will try and hoodwink and manipulate the Cafcass Officer.

I would have a think about (and perhaps ask the barrister) proposing someone for the family assistance order. It doesn't have to be a Cafcass officer - it can be someone from the NYAS. Don't know if that's still possible these days since Covid. Just a thought. Although maybe you don't want to risk upsetting Cafcass. What can happen in these cases is partway through, the Dad asks for a change of Family Assistance officer (and a family assistance officer can even admit that they are unsure how to proceed). Some of these Cafcass officers get conflicted - on the one hand they can see xxxx well the Mother is a major problem. On the other hand they're hard wired to keep children with Mothers and can't seem to ever recommend a change of residency. Others can see past that (psychologists and professionals outside Cafcass).

Probably the best route is to go with the family assistance order, but also think about asking for psychologists reports on both parents at the next hearing. I suggest that because I know it's what a PA barrister would do. Without actually mentioning PA. A psychologist report will make no bones that she is not good for the kids and they're at risk of severe emotional harm if they remain with her. But maybe that's for later - after trying with the family assistance officer.

I'm really sorry she is making life so hard for you and the kids. Having said all that - my ex's final statement was very similar and also very negative - and the result was the Judge found very strongly for me. And my ex, after that experience, actually followed the order to the letter for about 18 months (although I did get some pretty nasty emails).

Once she starts saying everyone else is wrong, including Cafcass, she starts showing her true colours.

The danger - all the way through is - if Cafcass get soft. If they see she is always going to be that negative and that high conflict, they will worry about the emotional harm and stress on the kids. And there are only two solutions to that - one is to give residency to you - the other is to give up and say better to leave the kids with her to protect them. The latter would be wrong, but Cafcass can rarely bring themselves to suggest transfer of residency (I've never heard of that unless the Mother is in prison or something). Which is why things can drag on too long sometimes and get stuck in a kind of - what they call "intractible" situation. If you're aware of that, you can make sure it doesn't become intractible. I think the fact you have a Barrister will help prevent that. They can take the bull by the horns, they know the ropes - they look to workable solutions and make no bones about things - they can think well ahead and know what other case results have been in these situations and argue for those.

I think you should absolutely stick to your guns with the 50/50 shared care order. Even if that means most of the school holidays with you. An expression my Barrister used in his position statement for the final hearing was it was a "paradigm" for shared care. The Mothers attitude and resistance cried out for it. a) to show her that both parents are equally important b) it's an attempt to hope she'll accept it and c) it shows her that if she doesn't play ball, she loses something (ie she loses sole residency and time).

 

[Hobnob]

Thanks Ash,

I assume as the applicant I'd be expected to pay for psychologist reports? I'm looking to be paying for private therapy for my son too, who wants nothing to do with me currently, as part of the family assistance order in the hope of reconnecting with him, supported by Cafcass. The costs are now a worry for me, particularly with the added costs of travelling back for court hearings too.

I've annotated her position statement for my barrister ahead of our meeting, with a brief note of any evidence I have which proves her claims to be false. My biggest concern other than her putting more pressure on the kids, is her claims that I am angry. I really don't want it to go to fact find.