Section 7 undertaking, ex trying to manipulate Cafcass?

[Hobnob]

Hi everyone,

Quick update on my case and I have a few questions I hope you can help me with....

1. My situation - 3 kids with ex-wife, I'm remarried with 2 stepkids and live overseas in Europe, ex and kids are in the UK. Contact with kids was stopped for 14months due to covid travel restrictions, but when this changed, ex had a new boyfriend and became obstructive to me resuming regular contact with the kids and my relationship with them began to suffer, telephone contact was also obstructed and dwindled to nothing. I filed for CAO end of last year (after failed mediation) and so far Cafcass found no safegaurding issues against me but noted I alleged emotional abuse of the children via PA from the ex. At the FHDRA I self-repped, Cafcass weren't in attendance, and the judge sided with ex. Ex was completely hostile and made false allegations against me that were not previously raised (coercive control/harrassment/bullying/spying). The judge ignored all allegations but also didn't give me an interim order and told us to sort things out between us in the meantime.
I see 2 of my kids once a month, after months of pleas and argument this was progressed to overnight stays on the last visit. Every visit is difficult with terms and conditions dictated by ex, middle child reluctant to come at first, eldest child has completely cut me off and never comes, and every visit (the kids are totally happy with me) is followed by the kids being interrogated, anything and everything being used against me, the kids cut me off in between visits, and I get sent nasty emails berating me. E.g. on last visit, after a hectic day out, kids chilled out for half an hour watching TV and I lay on sofa with my eyes closed. (Kids are 7 and 10 and were right next to me). Ex alleges I slept whilst they played outside unsupervised, not true.
Ex is also point blank refusing for the kids to come and stay with me overseas at my home.

2. Judge ordered a section 7 to determine whether kids want to come to my home and Cafcass mediation to determine CAO at the next directions hearing in July.
Cafcass interview was with the same officer who did the initial safeguarding interview before the FHDRA and seemed to go very positively with me. Ex had obviously been interviewed first as Cafcass knew details could only have heard from her. She had clearly omitted a lot of information as the Cafcass officer was shocked and didn't know the kids have refused all telephone contact with me in-between visits. After asking me how child arrangements were going and me explaining the difficulties, the Cafcass officer actually suggested it could be PA and stated they could put a stop to it. Cafcass also looked at my home via video call as ex alleged it was unsuitable. Cafcass told me they saw no problems with my home (described it as suitable and beautiful!) and told me they'd also be looking at the ex's home and seeing the kids there, before interviewing them separately at school, and then finally seeing me with my 2 youngest kids during my next visit in June before she writes her report. It's next weekend I'm due to see her with the kids together.

3. In the meantime, I've asked the ex to reschedule a weekend with the kids to coincide with the July court date as I can't afford to travel back to the UK twice in one month to do court and see the kids separately. Ex has refused and given no reason other than 'the children don't have to have plans to be unavailable to you'. She's ignored my pleas and the fact that I won't see the kids for 6 weeks if she refuses to amend the date. She still point blank refuses and says it's my problem.
On my visit next weekend she tried to stop me picking the kids up as agreed on the Friday evening, firstly stating it was too late for them. When I argued this she said actually it was because she had a work commitment. I said I'll pick them up from whoever is looking after them and she said it's not fair to put that responsibility on someone else to handover the kids. Finally after I said this was unacceptable she relented and said I could collect from the kids grandparents (her parents), but not to step foot on the drive, wait in car, and IF the kids want to come they'll come to me, she also added that I have pressured her into this arrangement. My middle daughter always needs persuasion so this arrangement is unlikely to work and also I have no contact details for grandparents to let them know my exact pick up time. This varies a little due to flights but we've agreed a cut off time of no later than 9:30. Ex has ignored all requests to answer these concerns about pick up and only told me I'm causing her mother a huge amount of stress by insisting on collecting the children on the agreed Friday evening. I suspect the pick up will be problematic and I potentially won't have my kids. I'm due to meet Cafcass with the kids the following morning.

4. During email exchange to request this and also to request a call with the kids on father's Day this Sunday (which she has ignored). Ex has dropped onto the end of the email that she is meeting with Cafcass tomorrow. This was something I was unaware of as she has already had her interview and home visit and the children's interviews at school were this week. As far as I can gather, if she's seeing Cafcass tomorrow, this is an additional meeting to the process that was outlined to me from Cafcass? I believe she dropped that information in as a threat. The hostility she has shown since the first court hearing is off the scale. The judge reinforced her arrogance so she's run with it and sent me further nasty correspondence telling me I'm an unreliable bully.
I have reserved a barrister for the next hearing.

5. Every time a professional becomes involved, my ex tries to align them with her and bombards them with phone calls and emails. She did so with the mediator (who is now facing a panel review with the mediation standards board due to my complaint of her unprofessional and biased conduct), she did so with this Cafcass officer the first time around during the safegaurding process, and I have no doubt that she is doing so again and slagging me off to Cafcass and no doubt forwarding any and all correspondence to them.

So, my questions are....

Is it typical for Cafcass to have multiple meetings with the mother/resident parent that I have no knowledge of, other than ex has chosen to make me aware? What do I do about Cafcass seeing me with my kids if my pick up doesn't go to plan next Friday? I haven't made ex aware that I'm seeing Cafcass the following day as I worry she could deliberately sabotage it and I've no idea if Cafcass have told her either.
My worry is that she has the extra meeting because she's made yet more new false allegations about me or that's she's trying to win favour with Cafcass by increasing her contact with them. I will meet the Cafcass officer face to face once, whereas the ex has clearly been having far more dealings with her. I believe she is trying to interfere with the section 7 and manipulate the outcome of the report in her favour. I also believe the kids will have been heavily influenced by her coaching and alienation prior to their interviews. Does anyone have any advice or experience they can share in relation to this?

Thanks.

 

[Ash]

Firstly. I think it's going well . You're mid hearings. Secondly. Don't let her get to you. Ignore the emails - let her keep giving you loads of evidence about how ridiculous and hostile she is. Either don't reply to them or be very very careful if you do. Best not to reply at all unless it's a) civilised and b) about arrangements.

All that is happening now, will be looked at to see how she has behaved in the interim, and although she is being disruptive now, think of this as temporary. Eventually you will get there, you'll get your order and then you're in a stronger position. But don't let her get to you - don't get into any confrontations or she could accuse you of something. Be whiter than white and extremely polite in all communications - this could help later. Accept that she is going to keep trying to disrupt things. If she's refused to change week-ends because of the court hearing - let that drop - it's very frustrating but at the hearing/in your position statement, you could ask for some additional time due to missed time because the hearing was when you should have been seeing the children. Or just let that drop and focus on getting the longer term situation right.

She is clearly trying to prevent you picking them up on your next week-end and again, there isn't much you can do until the process is over. Again if you turn up to collect them at the grandparents and they don't come, you put in your position statement that the children were not made available and it cost you £x to fly to see them.

In a way she is giving you lots of evidence to make sure you get a good order.

So - she is now winding you up telling you she's meeting with Cafcass again. She might be, she might not be. But try not to stress about it. My ex was the same - couldn't accept anything decided so she kept bombarding Cafcass.

You'll just have to see what the Section 7 report is - and it will take patience. There isn't much you can do if she does meet with cafcass again. Just wait for the section 7 report. For all you know, they might already have a measure of her and it might not do her any favours.

If you feel the Section 7 report is biased - fine - you can cross examine Cafcass at the final hearing and undermine the report. Hopefully it will be in your favour - because why shouldn't the children see their Father? She is just making excuses.

I think it's been going well because you've actually been getting to see them. Focus on the moments you see them and not on your ex's obstructive behaviour (hard I know but try). If you turn up at the grandparents and your middle daughter doesn't come out. She will still know you came. And you have something to put in your next position statement to help your case. The Mother did not make the children available to see you. She encouraged them to believe they had the option not to come.

 

[Hobnob]

Thank you Ash.

The emails back and forth were to ask for child arrangements. However, she did make more allegations and also let drop that she's been discussing child arrangements and finances with my eldest child, my son who's just turned 13 and who cut me off 6 months ago. She also sent me a particularly cruel email after his birthday telling me he 'didn't care for my gift'.

I did rise to her obstruction and challenged her on not letting me see the children, asking her why, and I also politely called her out on her false allegations. I'm sure she'll use this against me and just hope Cafcass see that I was pleading for her cooperation.
She responded saying my points were irrelevant.

So you don't think I should contact Cafcass myself with my worries and just wait and see what happens? If I don't have my children do you think the Cafcass officer would still meet with me on my own? I feel like my ex has had far more access to them and I've had a very short time to give my side of the story. I was very careful not to be negative about my ex and only answered all questions factually and focused on the kids. She did seem to warm towards me and kept saying things like "this shouldn't be happening, I can put a stop to this", "this must be very financially costly for you and should be arranged well in advance". I took great hope from this but now my vengeful spiteful ex is making me doubt myself again.

 

[Ash]

Oh I see the problem now! The Cafcass officer is supposed to see the children with you and your ex is preventing that week-end time! Is that right? Is this the week-end she is being obstructive over? But yes the Cafcass officer would see you without the children. And in fact that could be a reason to get a negative C7 overturned - if she didn't see the children with you. But then she can't if your ex is refusing for that to happen (which you can tell the Cafcass officer has happened - and show her any email from your ex in that respect).

Don't rise to her obstructions - you have to be so careful what you put in writing. I was advised not to reply to anything that contained any allegations. Ignore the email. If you do reply it should simply be "The allegations in your email of x date are categorically denied". Then a few days later write about what ever arrangements you wish to discuss.

She's just drawing you in by getting you to argue back about them, so she can argue back even more. Example. If I ever "correct" my ex when she's accused me of something nasty, by putting the perfectly normal circumstance - ie in context - I get an even worse email back calling me a liar and full of more vitriol and even more allegations!

 

[Hobnob]

Why is it they can get away with sending us this verbal abuse without consequence? I'm really struggling with being on the receiving end of it all.

But back to your point, yes, I believe she is obstructing my visit with the kids to prevent Cafcass meeting with me whilst they're present. The ex knows that if Cafcass see me and the kids together, it will completely blow out of the water her malicious claims that the kids don't want to spend time with me, are scared of me, etc.

Are Cafcass likely to agree to an extra meeting with the mother without informing me? I just don't see what the reason for this could be?

My only other theory is that perhaps my ex managed to stall Cafcass from visiting her at home and this meeting today is the original one that's been rescheduled. I think potentially my ex could have made an excuse to Cafcass to delay the visit and we were both contact on the day that the first interviews were conducted, I agreed to show my home that day and the ex was supposed to be visited the following day. I believe there's a possibility my ex might have panicked at that prospect as I know from my kids that their house is chaos/upside down and that their stepsister has been sleeping on a deflated air mattress on the floor that lies part-way under my daughters bed on the floor. Also, my sons bedroom was unfinished and had blacked out windows (where he games 24/7). I think she wouldn't have wanted Cafcass seeing these things and would have tried to stall them to give her time to get the house in a better condition.

I might be clutching at straws but I can't understand how my ex could be getting the Cafcass officer to agree to extra meetings with her outside of the outlined process.

I'm fully expecting to get an email from the ex later stating, "Cafcass agree with me that you cannot collect the children on Friday evening as it is too late and my mother doesn't want to do the handover, Cafcass agree she shouldn't be forced to do so by you".

I'm glad you think Cafcass would still meet me without the children, as so far my meetings with them have all been remote. I'm just very worried how this is going and if the ex does manage to manipulate Cafcass and get them to reinforce her views in their recommendations.

 

[Ash]

Why is it they can get away with sending us this verbal abuse without consequence? I'm really struggling with being on the receiving end of it all.

Technically, they don't get away with it without consequence - it just means the worse she behaves, the more the court is in your favour and you get a better order - it's the way the adversarial system works. You might get a recital in the order saying something like "both parents will communicate with courtesy" - to stop her. Then she risks breaching the recital if she's foul mouthed again.

It is a worrying time, but important to try and detach now and then and find a way to manage the stress. I found long walks help - if you have time. I also had a thing where partner and I decided we would only discuss ex once a week on a Friday for no more than 20 minutes. Get everything out of the system, then try and have some normality. Not so easy when you're in the middle of court proceedings.

It's difficult when you're having to communicate with her to get to see the kids, so she's in your head more. But when you have an order, there will be less communication needed.

Who knows what she's up to with Cafcass. Try not to worry and keep focused on your own dealings with Cafcass.

If she comes back to you and says Cafcass says blah blah blah - I would just respond with

"Thank you for your email. Cafcass have not informed me of this. Please can you ensure the children are available to collect on Friday x date for the week-end so they may spend time with me as usual".

Expect that she will disrupt EVERYTHING while this Cafcass process is going on. She is fighting it - she is scared she will lose control and she will be fighting it. Accept that. And also try to be calm and hope that Cafcass sees through this. The important thing is how YOU come across to Cafcass, how you speak about the children. Try to avoid talking about the ex or they will just label it as "conflict between parents" then you get tarred with the same brush, they see the kids in the middle of conflict and order less time with you.

She can say whatever she wants - what YOU need to say is all positive and child focused. So you might say "it's very difficult trying to make arrangements to see the children" Rather than "she's always trying to obstruct me seeing the kids". Or you might say "I know the children enjoy spending time with me, they know my partner as well - I think Mrs Ex is finding this hard to accept".

 

[Ash]

Just to add - you are at a very very sensitive stage in the proceedings. The Section 7 is very important - which you know and which is why your ex is causing you anxiety. But has it occurred to you she is trying to derail you by causing you anxiety? So you mess up with Cafcass? The manipulation knows no limits sometimes!

So DO NOT be derailed with Cafcass - don't let all the anger and frustration out in front of them. Write it down (or on here), get it out of your system - and present yourself as the calm child focused Dad who has blindingly reasonable proposals. You need to come across as the one who DOESN'T slag off the ex (she will do plenty of that). You're not trying to defend - what you're trying to do is show you are a good parent. That is all that Cafcass are interested in from you. They want to see you are a good parent, child focused, and that you're the one who is positive about trying to improve communication so the kids aren't caught in the middle. You could mention something like that. So for example you could say that because communication over arrangements is so difficult, you feel a court order would help keep the children out of the middle of disagreement, but you also think an app like "My Family Wizard" would help with communication, so it's less personal. You'd probably get brownie points for suggesting that.

My family wizard is a kind of online co parenting site where messages are "filtered" for "tone" and things can be put directly on calendars without the need for communication. It's not free though, there's a monthly cost, but it's not very high. Courts sometimes order it to be used and in that case both parents would need to pay.

Just keep focusing on this: To Cafcass - a good parent is one who is positive about the other parent and co-parenting and is thinking about the best interests of the children with each parent. A "not good" parent is one who rants about the ex and talks about "my rights". You need to find the right level of communication with them - which I'm sure you will.

So stop yourself from letting any resentment at the ex show or saying she's jealous or she can't move on etc etc. Make it ALL about the kids and how much they love BOTH their parents and you really want to make things easier for them so they can enjoy both homes and being with both families as they grow up.

 

[Hobnob]

Hi Ash,

Thank you for your wise words.
With regards to the communication/co-parenting app, I have suggested this so many times and the ex has refused. She brought it up with the judge at the FHDRA, stating I want to use one with the intention of spying on her, claiming that one of these apps would give me access to her "personal schedule".
Unfortunately, the judge didn't even know what a co-parenting app was and told us that she wouldn't order use of one as we "communicate effectively". I realised I absolutely need a barrister as everything I said got shot down.

The ex had her meeting with Cafcass yesterday, and whilst I've no idea what the outcome was, something has clearly rattled her as she's suddenly gone 180° and sent me a perfectly civil reply allowing me to see the kids on the day we are in court. I'd asked if I could have them afterwards for a few hours and she's agreed without stipulating any terms, and she's also agreed I can call the children on father's day at any time I want. Usually if I ask for a call with the kids that's not on her prescribed schedule it's always refused. The kids never answer the phone to me or decline the call, so it will be interesting to see whether that changes too this weekend.

After telling me that no one wants to handover the children to me other than her because all of her friends and family are uncomfortable in my presence (even the ones who've never met me), she has now also given me her father's telephone number for me to arrange my next pick up. It will be interesting to see whether my middle daughter is more willing to come with me without her mother present when I go to collect them.

This is obviously positive, and I still have my meeting with Cafcass to show them how good my visits with the kids are and that I'm child-focused etc. But it is very disconcerting when the ex suddenly acts like a reasonable human being. She did this before the last court hearing, it lasted about 2 weeks before the hatred and hostility resurfaced.

Thanks for all the good pointers Ash, really appreciate the support.

 

[Ash]

Ha ha! Cafcass may have got tough with her. All sounds positive to me. Don't get too carried away though as they might be firm with you too. One tip - I haven't had a section 7, but did have a social worker visit once. Similar thing as Cafcass are social workers. It may seem like a casual friendly chat, but they analyse everything you say. So while it's nice to relax with them, still be careful that anything you say honestly, is positive about co parenting and the kids.

Maybe suggest "My Family Wizard" to Cafcass. If they recommend it's ordered, the courts probably will - it's not quite a "parenting app" - although similar. Your ex is talking rubbish - the schedule/calendar is for the kids arrangements, not her personal arrangements! Sometimes courts order it but I haven't heard of it very often.

Yes her civility will probably wear off, but she may have been told it won't go well for her if she tries to stop the kids seeing you.

 

[Ash]

What is the next hearing? You mentioned another directions hearing - presumably that's after the section 7?

 

[Hobnob]

Hi Ash,

Apologies for the slow reply, life has been extremely busy the past few weeks.

My next directions hearing is in 2 weeks time. The section 7 is complete and I should get the report before the end of today. The Cafcass officer involved has so far seemed to be very fair and helpful. I've met with her with 2 of my children, which went really well, and she spoke with me at length about her very serious concerns about my 13yr old son's mental health. I haven't seen him for almost 2 years, he's cut me off and apparently absolutely hates me and blames me for leaving him, but completely broke down in tears with the Cafcass officer. He believes I went on holiday one day and never returned without explanation and has totally erased all good memories of me, denying we ever had a loving relationship. Cafcass have stated they know this to be untrue and want to find him the right help and get to the bottom of why he feels this way. They are recommending 'action for children' become involved to give him support and counselling, and he has requested I write him a letter explaining my side of the story, which Cafcass say they will help with and support him in reading it, away from his mother. Ultimately, with a view to help him reconnect with me at some point down the line with Cafcass involvement, a supported meeting which they will facilitate. For now they are very worried about him, he is withdrawn, socially isolated, spending all his time gaming, having angry outbursts and clearly upset but trying his utmost to hide it. Cafcass said that school is his safe place, not his home with his mother.
His mother states that he is 'thriving' and his mental health is fine without contact with me, but Cafcass are not accepting of this. Although they do seem to be sitting on the fence a little in regards to the influence of the mother, but I guess I have to wait for the full report to see if there's any mention of the cause for his behaviour and refusal of contact with me.
I've been told Cafcass will be recommending interim contact to include my daughter's visiting my home abroad with increasing duration, my weekend overnight contact to continue, and that the mother must ensure both daughter's come for the whole duration - to treat it the same as going to school without an option not to come - and weekly video calls that she must set up with things for them to talk to me about, but not be interfering with or monitoring/recording my calls.

She is going to recommend a family assistance order to achieve all of this and for her to be assigned to the family whilst this all takes place with a view to putting a CAO in place once contact has increased and the difficulties have been ironed out.


I don't yet know what the report will say in relation to conflict and co-parenting, I suspect there will be much work to be done on that.

I'm over the moon that this family assistance order is being recommend, but just spoke to my barrister who dashed my optimism, saying the local authorities will rarely fund them. Also, the ex has to consent to it too. Though I imagine it will look very bad on her if she resists co-operating with Cafcass.

I haven't found much on this forum about these family assistance orders. I know they come under section 16 of the children's act and vary in duration, usually between 6 and 12 months.

Do you have any knowledge of them and how likely they are to be ordered by the judge and funded by the council? I really hope the concerns about my son will sway it. I've been so worried about him for so long and my ex just seems to have her head in the sand about the severity of his current state of mind.

 

[Ash]

That all sounds really good and positive - except for your son's mental health concerns. I am sure that will come right once he is able to start seeing you regularly again. That is extremely cruel of your ex to let him believe that and harm him like that. He must have been devastated to think you just left "him".

"and weekly video calls that she must set up with things for them to talk to me about, but not be interfering with or monitoring/recording my calls."

Hmm - all well and good but difficult to achieve unless monitoring goes on - hence maybe the family assistance order.

If your ex won't agree to a family assistance order when Cafcass are strongly recommending it, then the court might use some leverage to persuade her.

I have heard of these being ordered before and they usually happen because of child welfare. I don't know about any changes in funding. but if it's that Cafcass officer rather than the local authority then the funding may not be an issue.

Let us know when you get the report and hopefully it will be as you've been told.

 

[Hobnob]

Hi Ash,

I finally got the report after chasing it. Unfortunately it's not quite what I expected or what the Cafcass officer led me to believe.

Alienation, manipulation by the mother is completely dismissed by Cafcass. With the reasoning being that prior to covid the mother was promoting successful contact with the kids. (This is completely untrue and it was actually before I couldn't travel due to covid that she was being difficult and stopped my contact).
Mother denies recording the kids and Cafcass accept this only happened once and it was to show me that they are reluctant to speak to me and prove that she is 'making them available'. Also lies but I can't prove it. She never shared any feedback with me and I only learned she was doing this in court. But it completely explains why the kids were so distressed on calls to the point I contacted social services. (My youngest barricaded herself in her room shouting at her mother to leave her alone). Social services not interested and Cafcass dismiss my theory of direct correlation between mother supervising calls and kids not wanting to speak to me. They've actually recommended in these once a week facetime that the mother not only facilitates but is in attendance.

The report generally paints the mother as being completely competent and unobstructive and me as being unreliable and insensitive. Though she does recognise my very good relationship with my daughters.

She's advising a slowly slowly approach with a list of do's and don't"s for each parent which vaguely implicates me as also being inappropriate, saying negative stuff to the kids (which is untrue) and having my partner and partners kids 'in the vicinty' of calls with my kids as a reason they don't want to speak to me, (again untrue, I'm alone on the calls).

There is an underlying theme of I'm to blame because I left the UK and then covid with no responsibility to the mother on her part in being obstructive and hostile. Cafcass says there is still 'anomosity' between the parents.

I've sent my comments on the report to my barrister and see where we go from here with the position statement. Some of the recommendations are unworkable, such as picking my daughter up on a Friday after school and taking her abroad to my home for 2 nights. It's too much travel for too short a time, Cafcass won't back down on this, but it means I could only do so in the school holidays due to the timings. They're expecting me to do all the picking up and dropping off, which for a short visit is going to be extremely difficult practically and financially. I have to suck it up initially as I know the mother will sabotage it if she is planned to bring them to the airport but I see no reason why she can't collect them when I return them. Otherwise I have to hire a car for an extra day and do 3 hour round trip on top of flying them back and forth if she refuses to collect them from the airport. She's bound to refuse this even if I contribute to the cost, just to make it more difficult for me.

The recommendation for a family assistance order is very weak, stating that there may be a few minor teething problems with contact to iron out in the beginning . It's been hell to see my kids !
I know that many will probably think I'm one of the lucky ones as I get to see 2 of my 3 children once a month, but the hoops I have to jump through to do so and the crap I have to put up with from the ex, has been completely minimised. They're focused on the kids of course and want to keep everything at home nice and happy. I'm just ranting now.

I think the ex had lied to Cafcass about her boyfriend not living with them. My kids have told me her boyfriend and his daughter live with them but she says he just stays regularly. I suspect this is financially motivated so she can claim full benefits, but I think he does live with them.
Is it relevant and should I bring it up? He's involved in their lives and I've been told nothing of it from the ex.

Cafcass have also said I have to tell the mother where I am with the children in case there's any incidents??????

Really not sure what to think right now. I'm happy Cafcass want to stay involved with the mother and suspect from Mt conversations with them that they see her failings but haven't got the conviction to put it in the report because it opens too big of a can of worms. As my kids are not bleeding and starving they are perhaps focused upon keeping the mother happy and gently persuading her to stop being selfish and obstructive....

 

[Ash]

I am really sorry. It's a complete waste of space and a stitch up isn't it. They seem to be saying one thing when they're with you, then they just report everything the Mother has said. No mention of your son? Normally you could undermine a Cafcass report at a final hearing, if they haven't seen you with the kids - but they did see two of the kids with you, so they've covered themselves. Unfortunately Cafcass are very biased towards Mothers and if they claim any animosity they will think it best the children remain with one parent to avoid conflict.

But it is completely bizarre that they are giving her power like this - wrong wrong wrong. To monitor your calls.

Mt conversations with them that they see her failings but haven't got the conviction to put it in the report because it opens too big of a can of worms.

I think you're being generous there. It's their job to protect children and their relationships. They are actually enabling parental alienation. It happens and it makes me furious. However yes they will take the easy route if they think there is "animosity" between parents. It's why we always say - don't say anything negative about the Mother - so it's clear the animosity is one sided. Even then they still blame both sometimes. It could also be a cop out because, as your barrister says, they don't have the time or money for a family assistance order.

The positives from that is, they are saying your daughters should come and stay with you for week-ends. So what are they recommending - one week-end a month only? No mention of holidays or your son?

I think you will need to fight this in court, as best as your barrister can. You can use whatever evidence you have, to counter anything that isn't true in there (as part of your statement) and in that respect it could still be good to put Cafcass on the stand and cross examine them.

So it's looking like they told you about your son and said to send him a letter explaining, as a vague way of saying - we're not pushing that at all but you can send him a letter.

Your barrister can point out in court, that you fly x miles at great cost to collect the children and the Mother should collect them from the airport. But of course if she didn't do that, they'd be stranded at the airport.

That seems outrageous - they must know that it would eat up so much of your week-end time to fly, collect them, take them back and then take them back to the Mothers. Any mention of school holidays?

So the vague gradual approach they are suggesting is to what - just say - one week-end a month for now? Showing the Mother that witholding time with the kids has worked in her favour?

Cafcass do put the welfare of the kids first - but they fail to recognise the importance of a Dad in that welfare and just see the Mother as a safe parent providing everything the kids need.

 

[StayStrong]

Hi Hobnob. I too am really sorry to hear this. I almost commented on your post from Monday wanting you to refrain from being too optimistic until you had sight of the report since I was afraid for you that what Ash writes above - "they seem to be saying one thing when they're with you, then they just report everything the Mother has said" - would be the case. It is a mirror to my own experience of a S7 report, to the extent that, while I never had a FFH, some of the commentary clearly fell into subjective opinion rather than professional observation.

It is what it is. But, please remember, what you have read for the first time and understandbly feel bitter about will mellow after a few days. This stuff always does. I also take the approach that reports purely add to a growing mountain of paper, to the extent that eventually detail becomes lost - 'wood for trees' principle.

Stay Strong mate, SS.

 

[Hobnob]

I've had time to read and re-read the report. So to answer your questions Ash...

I travel to the UK once a month to have my 2 daughters stay with me overnight in holiday accomodation and spend the weekend with me on my own. We go out and do stuff, beach, walks, BBQ, parks etc and have a fantastic time together. I've done this from Feb - June this year with a longer weekend in April where my wife and stepkids came too which went really well. (We can't afford to all travel together every month because of needing bigger car hire/accommodation extra flights etc so I mostly see the kids on my own in the UK).
During those visits, at first overnights were refused with no reason by the ex, until after weeks and weeks of pleading, I've been allowed to have them overnight in May and June. Neither occasion was problem-free as my middle daughter refused to come on the first night and I had to return for her the following day (mum gives her the option), and on my last visit my flight was delayed and I couldn't make the pick up time so only had one night with them with over 20 hours of travelling

I've asked the court for the monthly visits in the UK to continue outside of school holidays and that during school holidays I can bring the children to my home abroad to spend time with me and their stepmum & stepsisters. This has been the sticking point because the ex point blank refuses to consider allowing that.

The section 7 was to determine if the kids want to come and if my home is suitable for them as the ex alleged I'm homeless, I'll abduct them and I'm unsafe, plus according to her they don't want to come.

The section 7 report states that my youngest child wants to come immediately and for as long as possible and Cafcass have no concerns about her doing so. They recommend she be allowed to come this summer for a holiday. (Pees me off they describe time with me in my home as a holiday just because I live overseas). I knew this to be the case as she has asked and asked to come though the mother denies this.

My middle daughter has said in her bag of worries to Cafcass that she wants to come but is worried that if she misses mum then she can't just go home because it's hundreds of miles away and need to get a plane. So Cafcass recommend she can only come for a Friday and Saturday night. That's completely unworkable in terms of practicalities with travel. She'd spend all of Friday and Sunday travelling to have one day with me on the Saturday. If anything it could completely put her off ever coming again as she'll be exhausted from such a journey in such a short space of time and will have so little time to relax and enjoy her time with us. As Cafcass have said I have to collect them from home and not the airport it will also be extremely costly and time-consuming for me with car hire etc. Problem is, and Cafcass have realised this, if it's up to the mother to bring them to the airport, she will sabotage it and say they wouldn't come.

The recommendation for my son is that he is referred for counselling - my barrister advises I seek a private counsellor rather than the one Cafcass are planning to use, due to the waiting times. I'm to write him a letter explaining my side of the separation from his mum that Cafcass will read with him. My barrister says I need to be careful with this and wants to see the letter first in case they use anything against me. This is very tricky as he's been led to believe I went on holiday and never returned. That's not true and he knew at the time that me and his mum had split up, were living apart, I was involved with someone else (who's now my wife), and my ex made me tell the kids I'd had an affair. I explained to all of the children, and said goodbye to them, that I left the UK due to covid affecting my self-employed work and I had to go where I could find work. Through visits in the beginning and phone contact I was in regular conversation with my son and he understood why I wasn't there and that covid stopped me from travelling back. He denies all of this to Cafcass and says we had no relationship, that I favour his sisters, and he wants no contact with me. On the phone, Cafcass told me they know this isn't true but they don't say that in the report. They blame me for his feelings of abandonment despite all of my efforts to maintain my relationship with him. He ignores all of my messages but I still contact him daily. Cafcass have said in the report he has had to witness his mother in distress caused by my leaving, he is protective of her and they also allege I sent him a birthday gift as a show of disrespect to his mother. (It was a joke Marvel mug which she has said was aimed as a dig at her!) Cafcass accepted my explanation on the phone that the gift was completely innocent but they've made a huge thing of it in the report. The aim is to get my son to eventually meet me with Cafcass in a supported meeting, but they say that's a long way off and may only be possible with intervention from a counsellor, this letter, and "positive reinforcement" from the mother.

Cafcass are recommending my weekend visits continue but now the kids must be allowed nightly facetime with mum at bedtime on my weekends. They've never once asked to speak to their mum while they're with me so this is just more demands from the ex that will allow her to be intrusive and disruptive to my time and she gets to dictate their bedtime whilst they're with me to minimise my time with them. She's been absolutely desperate to know where I take the kids and has demanded I tell her where they are "at all times". Cafcass have stated I must do this, in case of any "incidents" so mum knows where they are.
I never demand to know where she takes them so this is total double standards and undermines my PR. Im also uncomfortable with her knowing my every move with the kids, it's just giving her more power and control which she absolutely thrives upon.

The upshot is, if the kids will miss mum then they can't stay longer than 2 nights with me and have to have nightly facetime with her whilst they're with me. But when the kids are home with mum, I can only have one call a week (if successful) and I have no say whatsoever in their lives. Where is the equality? How can 'missing mum' be a reason to deny them coming? Is school trips a good argument? They haven't had any yet with covid but I'm sure they will next year and school won't be taking them home after 2 nights if it's a longer trip. Nor would they be allowed nightly facetime at bedtime. Why don't Cafcass see that as their father im perfectly capable of giving the kids reassurance and comfort if they miss their mum. Fact is they never even mention their mother while they're with me and always ask to stay for longer !

With the Cafcass recommendations I'm nowhere near getting the CAO I want, half of the holidays for the kids to spend with me in my home and telephone contact in between visits plus my monthly visits in the UK without interference from the ex. The family assistance order slows all of that down and creates more contact with my ex as she is now going to be "in attendance" on the kids facetime, having facetime with the kids when they're with me, and I still have to try to make child arrangements with her in the interim to agree dates. Cafcass have completely left out of the report how obstructive she is with this, making me wait for an answer, point blank refusals. They've said we have to organise dates for the next 6 months. I'm absolutely dreading that. As it stands I have nothing concrete in place to see my kids again until we've had the court hearing in 11 days time. They're also ignored my requests for a co-parenting app for communication, for third-party hand-overs of the kids as the ex disrupts them. Cafcass have said they will go to the kids home and show them how to pack an overnight bag the ex deliberately disrupts by packing them literally dozens of bags of stuff they don't need that completely fills the car. Another form of control as it delays me on handover collecting and dropping off all their stuff - I couldn't even shut the boot last time and it was for one night! It's also to make me the bad guy when I have to say sorry there's no room for that 60th teddy or your scooter, your skateboard, 10 outfit changes and your duvet, cushions and blankets !!!!!

My barrister isn't free for consult until after the position statement is due to be submitted so I have to put it together on my own over this weekend. I feel like I need to be careful not to upset Cafcass too much with my response as I seem to have built up a fairly good rapport with them, only the report doesn't reflect that. Do I go firm with the things I object to and run the risk of pissing off the Cafcass officer that's going to be befriending my ex for the next 6 months during this family assistance order, or do I just accept all of these recommendations as "a process" I have to get through?

 

[Hobnob]

Hi Hobnob. I too am really sorry to hear this. I almost commented on your post from Monday wanting you to refrain from being too optimistic until you had sight of the report since I was afraid for you that what Ash writes above - "they seem to be saying one thing when they're with you, then they just report everything the Mother has said" - would be the case. It is a mirror to my own experience of a S7 report, to the extent that, while I never had a FFH, some of the commentary clearly fell into subjective opinion rather than professional observation.

It is what it is. But, please remember, what you have read for the first time and understandbly feel bitter about will mellow after a few days. This stuff always does. I also take the approach that reports purely add to a growing mountain of paper, to the extent that eventually detail becomes lost - 'wood for trees' principle.

Stay Strong mate, SS.

Thank you SS, I won't be falling into that false sense of security again. My report feels lengthy. Around 20 pages. Some of its waffle and copy and paste Cafcass stuff. Lots of grammatical errors and wrong dates and little formatting errors. I know they're not super important, but from a professional this irks me ! At one point the report even referred to me and the ex as Mr and Mrs Her Surname
The report really makes me and my family feel dehumanised. I guess like you say it's the initial emotional response and in time it won't be so emotive. Thanks for the support

 

[StayStrong]

Thank you SS, I won't be falling into that false sense of security again. My report feels lengthy. Around 20 pages. Some of its waffle and copy and paste Cafcass stuff. Lots of grammatical errors and wrong dates and little formatting errors. I know they're not super important, but from a professional this irks me ! At one point the report even referred to me and the ex as Mr and Mrs Her Surname
The report really makes me and my family feel dehumanised. I guess like you say it's the initial emotional response and in time it won't be so emotive. Thanks for the support

Mine was 55 pages long and equally poorly written, I totally share your sentiment about the lack of presentation professionalism. The underlying theme was if she said something I was interrogated about it and my fullsome responses used against me. If I said something about her behaviour it vanished into thin air.

Anyway, just another piece of paper ultimately.

Re your approach going forwards, I don't think you consider this to be okay to jump through hoops hereafter. It seems clear that CAFCASS, in attempting to show "balance" (lol) are in reality making a total mess of future arrangements, eg. restrictions on length of ttime with you and this daily bedtime facetime contact suggestion. This needs challenging firmly since it is obviously utterly unworkable and, as usual, very biased.

SS.

 

[Hobnob]

I may sound whiney now but as you said Ash, this is a safe place to rant about Cafcass, the ex etc...

Here's an example of the inequality and bias:

Ex alleges I have no fixed abode, unsuitable accomodation, nowhere adequate for my kids to sleep...

Cafcass do a video call to look around my home - they can only do a virtual tour because I'm abroad. I accepted the request to inspect my home the very same day so it was exactly how we live, no time to polish the brass and put out a red carpet! I showed the Cafcass officer all around, explaining everything and showing her where the kids would sleep and all the amenities we have etc. She also saw my wife and stepkids preparing and eating dinner as they usually would and had a nice exchange with them all on the call. Her words were, "wow, you have a beautiful home, I have no concerns", followed by, "I'm actually quite jealous!"


The ex had 3 weeks notice of Cafcass going to inspect her home. This gave her time to remove the defective air bed that her partner's daughter was sleeping on, half underneath my daughters bed when she uses it. Remove the blacked out windows on my gaming-addicted son's bedroom, and generally clear up the chaos they usually live in.

I absolutely know this is not a competition and Cafcass don't care who's house is most pristine or biggest etc. They're looking to see it's safe and suitable and check there's nothing concerning.
However, see the contrast in her report. Description of Mum's home: "beautifully presented family home with all of the child amenities in place". Compared with dad's home: "appears safe and comfortable". No mention whatsoever of all of my child-friendly amenities like trampoline, playground, animals, situated by a lake with facilities etc !

It really doesn't matter as both homes have been deemed suitable but I really am shocked at the language throughout. This is just one example of the bias towards mum and the general connotation that mum is the preferred parent. The tone is like this throughout!

As I say, I'm just venting so please excuse my using this platform as a safe place to do so !

 

[Hobnob]

Mine was 55 pages long and equally poorly written, I totally share your sentiment about the lack of presentation professionalism. The underlying theme was if she said something I was interrogated about it and my fullsome responses used against me. If I said something about her behaviour it vanished into thin air.

Anyway, just another piece of paper ultimately.

Re your approach going forwards, I don't think you consider this to be okay to jump through hoops hereafter. It seems clear that CAFCASS, in attempting to show "balance" (lol) are in reality making a total mess of future arrangements, eg. restrictions on length of ttime with you and this daily bedtime facetime contact suggestion. This needs challenging firmly since it is obviously utterly unworkable and, as usual, very biased.

SS.

Snap !!! Everything I was asked about has been misquoted, used against me, and everything she asked me about her behaviour has mysteriously not made its way into the report!

I'm beginning to think this family assistance order with Cafcass involved with us both for 6 months may just enable the mother's arrogance and control to really kick off. Her crappy behaviour just keeps getting reinforced with every step of this process so far!

I absolutely agree with you, I will not agree to unworkable demands that have the potential to fail, put me at risk of further allegations or are completely unreasonable.

Thanks for your input, much appreciated.