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New Partner Protocols

S

StayStrong

Experienced member
Founder Member
Hi all.

So, through comments made to me by my 12yr old daughter the ex has a new person in her life. Good luck to him!

I specifically never interrogate, actively or passively, since imo this places a child firmly in the middle of matters. I always listen and make gentle contributions to the narrative being told.

The subject heading is asking whether there are any protocols, either formal or informal, that should be followed. The ex has revealed nothing to me but I am being told about "****" by my daughter.

If the position was reversed she would be full on interrogating my daughter and most likely coming down the tracks at me at a vast rate of knots too.

My daughter already regales to me how Mum is always busy and doesn't provide the attention and support levels that (SEN diagnosed) she needs, and I can only see this added distraction increasing the deficit, which in turn will further strengthen my daughter's wishes to spend more time with me. Of course, this will be twisted by the ex into PA by myself. Of that I know her only too well.

Any advice please?

Thanks, SS.
 
For my own mental health I'm taking the strife-free approach to anything associated with my ex. I know that may not be entirely favourable to all cases and where you draw the line will be different for each father.

My son is still very young and doesn't have any underlying concerns that could add an extra layer of anxiety to my already shredded spirit. But you have already identified that your ex's new person needs "good luck." And that would most definitely apply to any other man who desperately needed Specsavers after making the decision to get involved with mine. What you should take from that is the fact you are free of it. It's the other guys problem now.

I would focus less on catastrophising over what she does and focus all of your thoughts and feelings and support where it belongs. With your daughter.

Leave the spite and twistedness with the ex and her unfortunate "new person." You will be much better off for it I'm sure.
 
I learnt from one of the members on this forum @Tamagoto the concept of stoicism. I can't change my ex's psychotic and narcissistic behaviours. I can't avoid it, I just have to accept it. It has really helped me accept the path that I am on and the kids definitely have noticed that I am less anxious.

Like @Kyle, I would not focus on catastrophising and accept that it is what it is. Your child will appreciate this and see you as the parent that she can rely on and confide in.

Life is finite. I would try to avoid letting your ex shape what is remaining.

Stay strong dads.
 
StayStrong said:
Hi all.

So, through comments made to me by my 12yr old daughter the ex has a new person in her life. Good luck to him!

I specifically never interrogate, actively or passively, since imo this places a child firmly in the middle of matters. I always listen and make gentle contributions to the narrative being told.

The subject heading is asking whether there are any protocols, either formal or informal, that should be followed. The ex has revealed nothing to me but I am being told about "****" by my daughter.

If the position was reversed she would be full on interrogating my daughter and most likely coming down the tracks at me at a vast rate of knots too.

My daughter already regales to me how Mum is always busy and doesn't provide the attention and support levels that (SEN diagnosed) she needs, and I can only see this added distraction increasing the deficit, which in turn will further strengthen my daughter's wishes to spend more time with me. Of course, this will be twisted by the ex into PA by myself. Of that I know her only too well.

Any advice please?

Thanks, SS.
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Leave the wrong with the wrongdoer

You cannot suffer for another's persons faults

You have two paths ahead of you, one is to get upset by every dig made by your wife or the greater one which is to just ignore it.

I know exactly where you are because my ex does exactly the same thing. My brother called it the 'cold war'. At every communication she will try to have a dig at me.

As you already noticed the children now have two examples to follow and will take learn from that.
 
At present your daughter trusts you and feels she can confide in you. This is absolute gold dust and would be the main focus for me. If mother ever hears that things are getting to you through your daughter, two things will likely happen:

1) Your daughter will be chastised and manipulated

2) She will likely clam up about future concerns and you'll be less likely to hear if, God forbid, she ever felt unsafe

In terms of protocol, I've seen stuff about how you manage new partners and kids, but nothing about informing your ex. If the new partner were to move into the kid's home, I think you should be updated as a change of circumstances. Clare's Law might become relevant at this point if you have concerns.
 
Lots of good advice above. I think the important thing is that your daughter is talking to you and you are listening - and that is what she needs. If she directly asks you to do something, that is something else.

If you contacted your ex asking about this and/or saying daughter had mentioned something, your daughter may get into trouble and stop telling you things.

Legally - you are expected to trust the other parent with parental responsibility, to decide who is suitable to be around your daughter. You both have private lives. Now if it was the other way round, no doubt your ex would be ranting on about it! Wanting to know who it is, are they suitable.

Rationally - both parents have anxieties about this - especially when it's a new man - is he safe? That kind of thing. Just trust in your daughter and say to her she can always tell you anything if she has any worries or concerns. Meanwhile maybe just go with the flow.

I think I might be tempted to do a bit of subtle investigation - providing it was really subtle. Google can find all sorts. Has he moved in? You can do an address trace to see who is living at an address - which would give his name.

Otherwise - your ex probably knows your daughter will say something and doesn't want to get into dialogue about it. It's disrespectful not to inform you. But maybe she doesn't want to look stupid, if she's not sure how permanent it's going to be yet.

You just need to remain being that safe, stable place she knows she will be at regularly, whatever else is going on. One thing I have learned is kids can have changed feelings over time as well. My son has had umpteen disruptions at his Mother's end. I was in a stable relationship from him being very young. My ex was single and had umpteen boyfriends come and go (only told by my son). When she met the one who moved in and they got married - he was actually happy and excited and lost interest in me quite a bit! Mainly because this man had two kids of his own and my son was happy to have siblings and a family and another proper home. This was quite tough. He was still seeing me of course. But over time of course, the excitement wore off and it all started to go wrong - falling out with the siblings - so he was glad of my stable base again. They fluctuate as kids.
 
I completely understand the fear though, when you have a 12 year old daughter, of a new man being on the scene and am not dismissing that. Keep an eye on things. Hopefully by this age, they've had plenty of talks at school about inappropriate touching from others etc.
 
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