My story so far…

[SebKa]

Hello everyone on the beginning I would like to apologise for my English, I’m Polish living in UK since 2006. I was reading your stories for last few weeks and I decided to share my one as well so I can get some advice from you. I will be updating you with new posts how it’s going.



I will try describe my story short way and if you have any questions just ask. My relationship end up in September we been together nearly 5 years never married. We have 2 years and 9 months old daughter and also there is 11 years old girl (she’s to me like my own one) from my ex partner previous relationship. After my daughter was born my ex changed significantly and started using domestic violence towards me and children (have evidence of this). I’ve been arrested 5 times due to her false allegations of domestic abuse. Been twice on police bail but all those cases are closed because there was no evidence and she didn’t support police actions. My ex is emotionally unstable and can switch in one second to be very aggressive I always was going out for a walk till she will calm down. Before my daughter was born I’ve spent a lot of time with older one and for 3 years I was walking with her to school in the morning just to support my ex partner. Now I know all what she care about is benefits not children. March last year I was kicked out from home because of her swinging moods. I was coming every day to see my daughter and I was taking her outside for a walk. One day I came to take little one outside so she ran to me but my ex pushed her against radiator and she hit it so I picked her up to check if she is ok and my ex ripped her off my arms and threw her on the sofa she was not even 2 years old. At this moment I left and I called police reporting aggressive mother after few hours police called me to meet me and I was arrested and ended up with police bail conditions for 28 days because she put false statement saying I’ve punched her. Next day when I was released I contact social service to tell them about my concerns about children. Few days later I got report from them and I discovered from police reports that there was domestic violence in her previous relationship 4 years before I met her. I got touch with older one father and he told me his story and was exactly the same being arrested because of her aggression and false statements. Also during our relationship she bit up her mother and again because of her being emotionally unstable. I was trying everything to make sure of girls well-being I even came back home in April we moved out to council flat I was renovating it to make sure girls gonna have decent conditions and putting a lot of my savings into that. But September last year it was last time when I was living in new place. 8:30 in the morning police came and I was arrested because she said I’ve punched her, night before I heard from her “you’ve done everything at home so you can moved out now”. Second police bail 28 days. I said to myself enough! To much stress for me and children. I’ve started working with social service brought them evidence of children abused and they noticed they were going wrong way because they believe in her sensitive stories making her a victim but true is children and I we are the victims.



Since September my ex is doing everything to blocking me from seeing my daughter. I had just few occasions to see her during this time. I had Christmas presents for girls in my car till 10 of January this year. What I’ve done so far, I managed to contact Headteacher (very helpful and professional person) in my daughter nursery and for last few weeks I’m spending one hour every week with my daughter over there. I’ve put application in court and I’m going for full custody first hearing is on 21 of April 2022. Social service preparing an agreement for me to pick up my daughter in the morning from nursery to spend few hours with her and then drop her off so I will avoid to see my ex. Also Cafcass contact me to confirm details and start my case. During this five months my ex was harassing me all the time and then last day when she was contacting me it reached the level of 136 missed calls, 30 mails and 270 text messages and 3 calls to my working place. It was enough for me I couldn’t even use my phone for working, next day I went to the police station report her for harassment it was to much stress for me. At the police station I found out they were looking for me to get arrested because my ex report harassment 3 months earlier another lie because I wasn’t harassing her. I showed police evidence and explained that is not true. Probably some smart friends advice her to do it to put me in worst position. Everything turned against her 3 weeks ago she got arrested for that she is on police bail conditions for 28 days I’ve been told it’s gonna be extended for longer time and she going to face a Criminal Court for harassment, lying to police and assaulted my person. At least now there’s quite and I can focus on everything to make sure I will have my daughter with me.



I’m happy to posting here with updates if you have any questions guys just ask if you have any advice for me that would be great. I was wondering how are my chances in the court for full custody? I will do everything for my daughter also I wish to do everything for older one but I have no legal rights for her.



Seb Ka

 

[Ash]

Hello and welcome. That is an amazing and harrowing story. You've done well to keep up highlighting the issues to Police and social services. Do you have a hearing date yet? And have you had the Cafcass phone interview yet?

Keep everything documented - you can't present evidence until a final hearing. Which is usually after the first directions hearing. Can you get copies of Police reports and social services reports? You might need them for evidence.

Has your ex responded to your court application yet? This is where it can be tricky initially. When she receives her copy of your application, she has to respond on a C7 form and at that time she may repeat her allegations. So at this stage, all Cafcass see is a) your application explaining the situation b) her application making allegations. They don't know who is telling the truth - but after the phone calls they may have a better idea.

All I can say is it's unusual for the courts to give a Father sole "lives with" status (that's the new term for "custody"). Unless there is hard evidence that the Mother is a risk to the children - either mental health records, or proven drug or drink use. They would be more likely to do a 50/50 shared care order (ie lives with both parents) and say the Mother needs some support (or appoint a childrens guardian to keep an eye on things).

Because they seem very reluctant to take children away from Mothers completely. However stick to your guns for the children to live with you and spend supervised time with the Mother.

Legally however, you have no rights to have the 11 year old living with you as she isn't legally your daughter. The girl's Father may need to be asked if he is willing for you to have a lives with or spends time with relationship with her. That is a tough situation. It's the same for all step parents. However, step parents can get an order for a step child - particularly if there are welfare issues.

Now although your ex is facing criminal charges for harrassment and more - that is against you, not against the children. Although you can argue this puts the children at risk of emotional harm as well.

I think the one thing you really need for your case is police or social servies verification about what she did to your two year old.

If you have the evidence I think you stand a good chance of getting your child living with you and an order for your step daughter. Is this other former boyfriend that you mentioned, the Father of the elder girl?

 

[Ash]

Have you applied for legal aid for your case? If not, do so quickly. Only one parent can get the legal aid and if your ex makes allegations she may get the legal aid. To get it you need some evidence (which it sounds like you have).

Some info here. And you may need to ask a solicitor about getting a claim in. You can get a free half hour legal advice from a solicitor (and sometimes they let it go on longer than half an hour). You can also do that with two or three solicitors (the free half hour) and see which one is most helpful.

Legal aid is only available for domestic violence cases.

When it comes to writing position statements and preparing for court, we can help on here.

Legal aid

Legal aid helps pay for legal advice, mediation or representation in court - see if you can claim.

www.gov.uk

 

[SebKa]

Hello and thank you for your post. Yes I have a date for first hearing it’s going to be on 21st of April. Cafcass only let me know they started my case so I’m expecting a call from them shortly.

I only have social service reports because I have no access to police one however in social service reports there are information about police reports including one with my ex partner mother who made allegations against my ex (her daughter) and also she reported domestic violence against older one my step daughter.

I don’t know if she respond to court application yet. Also the other person I’ve mentioned he is a father of the older one. I have a solicitor who prepared application for the court and I’m staying in touch with her updating with all information regarding my situation. I will look into legal aid now, I didn’t know about this.

 

[Ash]

It's because it is very unusual for a Dad to get the legal aid for dv! And very common for Mothers to get it after making false allegations. So get in first! It will pay for your legal costs. Your solicitor may just say oh you won't get it - so apply for it yourself. If you contact the Mankind Initiative - they will help you in that respect and point you in the right direction for applying. But do it quick before the Mother responds to the application.

One Dad had a letter from Mankind to prove he had been on the receiving end of dv from his ex and got legal aid. Although according to this list you probably have enough evidence already.

I'm not sure exactly how you apply - you might need to ask your solicitor that.

So if you're on ok terms with the other Dad, it may be his decision to agree whether or not you can have regular time with the older girl. What is his position? Does he get to see his daughter regularly?

Legal aid if you have been a victim of domestic abuse or violence - childlawadvice.org.uk

This page explains the different forms of evidence accepted for legal aid for private family law disputes when you have been a victim of domestic abuse or violence from the other party.

childlawadvice.org.uk

ManKind Initiative

Charity supporting male victims of domestic abuse through a helpline, directory of local services and general information on the website.

www.mankind.org.uk

 

[Ash]

You need to prepare for the cafcass call now. Normally advice is - don't say anything negative about the Mother. And that still stands - even though you will obviously have to tell them that the Mother is having criminal proceedings taken regarding abuse and harrassment of you and social services are involved regarding her being abusive to the children. But don't call her names or diss her in any way yourself - just report facts and say you do have concerns as to the childrens wellbeing, which is why you've applied for the children to live with you (don't use the word custody).

Cafcass may recommend a Section 7 report - but they may ask social services to do it if they're already involved. Did you ask for an interim order in your application?

 

[SebKa]

Father of the older one wasn’t seeing her regularly, maybe twice a month for few hours only when I was living there at the moment as far as I’m concerned he’s taking her more often also she wants see him more and calling him to pick her up as she doesn’t want to be at home with mother.
I’ve red a lot of articles including this forum how to talk to Cafcass and know what to say and what don’t say. Today I’m going to see my little one at the nursery and also keep chasing social service for that agreement to pick up daughter from nursery. From my experience they talk a lot and promising things but in reality they are useless.

 

[bobs]

hi Sebka

I wanted to say I agree with ash make sure you get the legal aid in as soon as possible, my ex did it to me, and the cost of solicitors barristers and other things is absolutely amazing how expensive it is.

I would like to say as well keep your head high and feel proud of yourself, because you are fighting in the best way you can for your children, and you should be proud of yourself

I wish you all the luck in the world and if you need to talk please don't hesitate in contacting me

 

[SebKa]

Bobs thank You for this!

Small update in my case, I found out today social service changed my social worker and her manager. Already spoke with new manager and she will call me back today regarding an agreement so I can pick up my daughter from nursery (using nursery as pick up and drop off point). I believe this is good sing because they started unscrewing everything they messed up from the beginning, believing in my ex lies.

 

[bobs]

well done Sebka, it the small steps we take that will take us on the furthest journey, just keep doing what your doing

well done again