Mum has left with my daughter

[Shaftesbury01]

I dont think she is in a refuge. I cant imagine that she has a reason to be there. I think she is staying at a friend's house in a town about 30 miles away. That friend is a live-in carer, so her house is likely to be empty when she is caring. Also, she saw that friend the week before she left.

No allegations in the divorce petition. Just says, basically, that she isnt happy, depressed actually, and that i am not intimate with her and that i am addicted to porn (which i am not, used to be in my single days maybe, but not these days).

I wont rule out her making false accusations though if she's now turned bitter. I think she is angry that i did not concede the divorce and house (after the offer she made), hence now using my daughter as a bargaining chip hoping that i will break.

 

[Ash]

I think your case is urgent actually with the Mother possibly planning to go to Hungary (which is unknown). I would print out the blank C100 form and take the mediator page with you and ask them to sign it at the end of your MIAM and explain that the case is urgent due to the possibility of abduction. Normally they send you the signed page after the MIAM and it can take up to two weeks to process. I have had this done (the page signed at the appointment by taking it with you). You then photocopy the signed page 4 times and substitute it for the blank page on your four copies of the C100. If you are submitting it to the court in person, or by post. You need four copies of everything submitted. One to keep, three to send to the court. If you're submitting online that may not be necessary (some areas you can submit online some areas you can't.

So you need

1) C100 - Download it print out the blank version - take the page out for mediator to sign (page 9)
2)Make sure you complete page 11 for an urgent hearing
3)When it asks who the child lives with put both parents and list your address and wife's current address - dont put "with Mother".
4) On the box on the front page when it asks what you're applying for put "Child Arrangements Order lives with both parents and Prohibited Steps Order".
5) If you need any help completing any sections ask on here. You can get the whole form completed except the summary and then have someone look over that for you. It can be on a separate sheet.
6) I would pay the £75 to mca tracing to get the address within 24 hours. At least you'll then know if they can find her and I am sure they will. If they don't and she's staying with a friend or something and hasn't registered anything official anywhere then you'll have to use the C4.
7) Go to the MIAM on Thursday (or is it videolink?) and take page 9 with you and say you need the sign off for an urgent application.

Your wording in your summary can express how, while you still hope for reconciliation and did not want the marriage to end, you are actually separated due to your wife moving away and taking your daughter with you and the only contact has been via your Stepfather. You have been unable to see or speak to your daughter and have concerns that your wife was talking about going back to Hungary (her birth country) recently.

 

[Ash]

Sorry posted at the same time . I would also be concerned if she says she is depressed and in charge of your daughter (sorry) - it's something else to add to your summary to show your concern and the urgency. Her reasons for divorce are nothing to do with child arrangements though.

 

[Shaftesbury01]

Also if not applying for 50/50 you will be obliged to start paying her CM and will need to get that assessed and transfer money to her monthly.

To be honest i am expecting that and gave already run the figures through the government website. I will pay even if she doesnt contact me and even vefore arrangements, so i can show i am a responsible father.

Thank you for the advice. My concerns about 50/50 are purely around trauma for my daughter and separation from her mother. I would hope a judge would see thats not me being unconcerned,its the opposite.

 

[Shaftesbury01]

Sorry posted at the same time . I would also be concerned if she says she is depressed and in charge of your daughter (sorry) - it's something else to add to your summary to show your concern and the urgency. Her reasons for divorce are nothing to do with child arrangements though.

Its why i contacted the Police when she left. I was concerned about her state of mind.

I doubt she will go abroad, as she ultimately wants this house and i am sure doesnt want to risk her immigratiom status. But i may have to put a prohibition order just in case.

I will try to avoid 'with mother' in terms of who she lives with. Its a fact though that at the moment and for the last two weeks she is just with her mother, but without my consent or agreement.

 

[Ash]

I know - that is where I fell foul the first time - I thought - well he lives with his Mother more nights than me - even though it had been shared care from birth - because I lacked knowledge of the system and I lacked confidence as to my importance as a parent. Sometimes the relationship with the child is even better than before after separation as you're one to one with them more. Technically she lives with both of you - houses are nothing to do with it really.

Agree I think the prohibition order needs to be there just in case - but also because it will get you a much quicker first hearing and an interim order to see your daughter. In most cases the Mother wants minimum time with the father. The danger with agreeing to that is - estrangement - and some Mothers, if inclined, will bad mouth you to the child and try and turn them against you - and if the child is with them most of the time there is no counterbalance of normality.

 

[proud_dad]

Hi,

My biggest regret when mediating with ex is not putting 50/50 as I felt I was doing the honourable thing at the time. Had I put 50/50, I would have been in a stronger negotiating position for other things such as holidays, phone calls. It also means you can negotiate to 60/40 and in the eyes of the court, you have shown flexibility.

My other mistake was thinking my ex would be reasonable because in the divorce petition, the reasons were very mild. Having gone through the family court system recently, she made a huge amount of unprovable allegations that were not even alluded to in the divorce petition. It is a common tactic even recommended by family court solicitors.

Your wife has already deserted you, taken your child away and filed for divorce. You need to take action quick and consider the future now for the relationship with your child. Secure it before it becomes too difficult to do so.

 

[Ash]

I agree with Proud Dad. My first order I didn't ask for enough and I got stuck with four nights a fortnight - when my son was with me between a third and half the time before I had to apply to court - I lacked confidence and knowledge to ask for more. Because once there is an established pattern, the courts don't like changing it (and it's a pain and expensive to have to keep going back to court).

Whatever you ask for you are likely to be knocked down to less - so always best to ask for more time than you think. Although you hope a Judge will see you are considering the child, the court system is what it is. It will be Cafcass who are most likely to decide when your daughter will see you (they will make recommendations - if everything goes well they will probably recommend what you ask for - but no more). Cafcass are not Judges - they are social workers - they analyse you. They could label you as "disney Dad" - who just wants the odd visit and no real parenting. Assume that your wife did most of the childcare during your time together and it takes a mental shift to think about doing meals and bedtime routines and washing etc - on your own for a child. But it all comes quite naturally

If you want to ask for less to start with then do it as an increasing schedule for adjustment, as suggested above. But it could actually be more unsettling for your daughter to only see you for short periods rather than longer ones where she can get used to it.

It's quite an important moment when applying - working out exactly what you want now and longer term (assuming your wife continues with the divorce). Would you be able to take her to and from school midweek and on Fridays (when she starts school)? If you can't there are after school clubs. Your daughter will have two completely different routines and lifestyles - yours and your wife's will be different and she will enjoy both in different ways.

Cafcass wouldn't recommend anything they didn't think a three year old could handle.

The thing to think about is -imagine your wife has moved on and isn't coming back - what kind of future do you want with your daughter? Do you want to see her as much as possible (50/50) or would you be happy with visits every other week-end and a midweek tea time? (Anything less and it wouldn't work). I don't like the midweek tea time thing - it should be overnight, so the child can settle with you for long enough - a tea time is just frustrating for them and you're not seen as a proper parent really.

 

[Ash]

The process would be:

1) You submit your C100
2). It used to be processed within 2 weeks but more like 6 at the moment. Unless it’s an urgent application like yours so could be two weeks.
3). When it’s processed you receive court papers in the post - this contains details of a first hearing date and anything you need to do (submit a parenting plan eg). The other party gets theirs a day or so before you so by the time you receive court papers your wife will have already had them.
3). Your wife receives a response forwith hers for her response to the application. You will be sent a copy of that when she returns it.
4). The next thing will be a letter or email from Cafcass asking you to confirm your details - name address etc snd letting you know you’ll be contacted with a date for a telephone appointment. That is really important- don’t miss it.
5). The phone appointment is one of the most important parts of the process - many people complain that Cafcass misinterpreted what they said. It seems like a friendly chat but they are analysing you. Key points - don’t say anything negative about your wife (this counts against you as a co parent). Keep child focused. Talk about your daughter and what she likes to do with you and how you will be able to care for her. Cafcass usually speak to the Mothef first so they may put you on the spot with something like - your wife says xyz what do you say to that. So if they say - your wife says you’re a bully snd a drug addict - take a breath. Don’t get angry and say “she’s a lying b...ch!” Be prepared and say - I don’t agree that is the case abd I most certainly gave never used drugs - I think my wife is maybe not happy that I have applied to court but I did try to ask her to go to mediation to discuss matters. That kind of thing.

Cafcass then write a letter summarising the interviews abd stating what should happen next snd if there are any safeguarding issues to consider - snd may also recommend a contact schedule. You and your wife both get a copy before the hearing (sometimes it’s only a day before).

Tve first hearing is FHDRA. First Hearing and Dispute Resolution Appointment. A Cafcass officer will be at that and they try to get you both to reach agreements. If agreement is reached a consent order can be made. But agree ment isn’t usually reached - without too many concessions. So an interim order can be made (you need to request that on your application ), And it will go to a final hearing with evidence.

That is the straightforward path when there are no allegations or welfare issues.

If you’d wife did make allegations, Cafcass may then decide to do a Section 7 report which can take a few months - to investigate and check police records etc. During that time you may only get supervised contact in the interim if there’s a Section 7.

This is how Mothers cause delays until the child is quite estranged from you. So delay is the enemy.

A Judge will order what Cafcass recommends 99% of the time. So initially it is Cafcass you need onside and your application should reflect the best interests of your daughter with BOTH parents. I think of you say your daughter may not cope well away from her Mother you’d be stabbing your self in the foot a bit. It is already very biased towards Mothers. Your daughter will cope find being away from her Mother after the first couple of times and soon get into a routine.