Manipulative ex

[Adrian w]

Hi Guys
First time on here and really thought I'd never be one of those dads.
So I've been separated from by boys mum (7yr old) since he was 2.
Yeah the relationship was floored from the start and she was manipulative and I've since discovered shes on the narcissistic spectrum.
Which is playing out in our co parenting adventure!!!
He lives in Cardiff, I in Suffolk. I travel once a month to visit which is a 5 hour drive on a good day. I don't mind because I want to see him and apart from some bullshit stuff when she first moved to Cardiff it's been pretty much straight forward and if there has been any attempts at manipulating I've remained 'grey rock' non responsive.
In the holidays I go and pick him up bring him back to Suffolk and take him back, she refuses to meet half way! Again I've got used to that.
I pretty much let her have her own way as long as it doesn't impact on whats important to my son.
We have such a great relationship.
I recently got married and he loves the set up a nice family arrangement and gets on great with my wife.
Ok so preamble needed to give the context of what she is now wanting.
After going to mediation which hasn't really worked because she didn't get her demands met, she's now through a solicitor wanting me to commit to a year of set dates each month! Now bear in mind I work in the gig industry and work comes in waves and at all times. I have without fail arranged each month to see my boy and although it might be within that month I'm willing to arrange 3 months in advance dates to suit, but I think it's unreasonable to ask for a whole year! Plus she wont let me have him for 2 consecutive weeks in the summer holidays due to him "missing her too much" which is again tosh! He always wants to stay longer.
She always quotes "in xxxx best interest", emotional blackmail. .........and she wont allow access to his 2 adult sisters who both live close to him unless she is present.
She has agreed to meet half way for half terms so that is some sort of prgress.
I do sincerely believe this is all in response to me getting married and a way of hitting back, getting control etc.
I'm willing to go to court over this which is I think is stupid and unreasonable, how does it impact on our son? He doesn't know the concept of week let alone a set date each month.
I'm with a help of a couple of friends looking to respond to the solicitors letter without legal representation as it's costly and not always necessary.
i just wanted some experienced dads who might have had a similar story or if anyone knows what legal basis she has.
If i role over on this where does it stop?
Let me know your thoughts.
By the way some of your stories sound horrendous so I'm glad I don't have to deal with what some of you are dealing with.
Thanks for reading this.
Adrian

 

[Kyle]

I don't think you're under any obligtion to reply to her demands through the solicitor. And I don't see where legal representation in that reply would be money well spent. I wouldn't need a solicitor to help me say "no."

But you could articulate the response however you see fit as long as it alligns with what you're looking for from child arrangements. You can't commit to those dates because you simply do not have the flexibility due to work. That's a simple response.

I think we all wished we could keep our cases out of court and I think we'd all advocate keeping things as amicable as possible with the mother, again, out of court, if that's possible because its a long and painful road. And more often than not, the response to a court application from the mother is the complete cessation of contact as a retaliatory move. And you're left with no arrangements whatsoever until the court makes its decision. This could be 12-24 months down the line!

But this is the dilemma. Where do you draw the line? For most of us that question was simple because the mother denied us access unilaterally without the opportunity of discussion. Of course, it doesn't sound like your ex is stopping contact (yet) and the current arrangement is working for you. Understanding why its not working for the mother is another dilemma.

Did she explain what these set dates seek to remedy during mediation?

Who initiated mediation? What was the objective?

 

[Richie1989]

I don't think you're under any obligtion to reply to her demands through the solicitor. And I don't see where legal representation in that reply would be money well spent. I wouldn't need a solicitor to help me say "no."

But you could articulate the response however you see fit as long as it alligns with what you're looking for from child arrangements. You can't commit to those dates because you simply do not have the flexibility due to work. That's a simple response.

I think we all wished we could keep our cases out of court and I think we'd all advocate keeping things as amicable as possible with the mother, again, out of court, if that's possible because its a long and painful road. And more often than not, the response to a court application from the mother is the complete cessation of contact as a retaliatory move. And you're left with no arrangements whatsoever until the court makes its decision. This could be 12-24 months down the line!

But this is the dilemma. Where do you draw the line? For most of us that question was simple because the mother denied us access unilaterally without the opportunity of discussion. Of course, it doesn't sound like your ex is stopping contact (yet) and the current arrangement is working for you. Understanding why its not working for the mother is another dilemma.

Did she explain what these set dates seek to remedy during mediation?

Who initiated mediation? What was the objective?

Is there any allegations been made in the past? Or any complications other than commuting to a 12 month set in stone arrangement? If not the courts sometimes don’t make an order as it’s something they let families sort between them. I think she is being unreasonable and you saying you can work with 3 month blocks is absolutely fair play. The only issue is and from previous experience you submitting any formal applications or not plying ball could result in your ex restricting access completely which would be gutting. You suggested mediation? Maybe try and sort it amicably and express your reasons why for 3 months block with an important person present, might help her see sense and see you are doing it for your son

 

[Adrian w]

Thanks guys for your response really helps!
We have been to mediation which I firmly believe was her way of telling me off, she's quite a jealous woman and plays the victim always, so seeing how it benefits our son is not on her agenda. She's just wanting to make me pay for having a great life and jealous that he loves being here in Suffolk with my wife and I. She will never see sense in that way, unfortunately. She's a narcissist and they never forgive!
I initially wanted mediation 2 years ago when she first moved to Wales just to sort out holidays but she only started the ball roling 10 days after we got married, surprise surprise.
So during the mediation which was without prejudice etc she initially agreed to the 3 months then on the 2nd demaded the 12, obviously we cam to a stalemate and since cancelled any further mediation.
As much as she dislikes me, or is jealous, finds it unfair I sincerely don't see her restricting any access. Our son is very strong willed and would probably find his way down if he could!! She's not that evil (hopefully).
Yes I think ignoring the solicitors letter is the way forward I will, with the help of a very good female friend who has all the right words, put together an articulated response and let her stew. As he gets older I'm hoping it'll get easier but I do fear for her as I think she'll alienate herself from him. And in the past I've often offered the hand of friendship, help which she has either turned down or abused.

 

[Richie1989]

Yes, hopefully you can come to some agreement which doesn’t cost a load of money! Sounds like she might just be willing to play ball eventually. Saying that though with mediation falling maybe it never will. I suppose the good thing is you are both in agreement of the amount of time it’s just a matter of when so at least part of the battle is already won. Of mediation already sounds like a C100 application make sense but then the judge also is a obliged to make an order. It really is close to being sorted it’s just a matter of which days. Maybe you could ask her exactly why, is she committed to something? If she is just being hard work then it seems C100 is your only option and then let the judge decide. I would definitely be trying to find out why or if not she is just being obstructive. Ermm tricky one for you as there is no need for anything drastic at all

 

[mikeayo1891]

Thanks guys for your response really helps!
We have been to mediation which I firmly believe was her way of telling me off, she's quite a jealous woman and plays the victim always, so seeing how it benefits our son is not on her agenda. She's just wanting to make me pay for having a great life and jealous that he loves being here in Suffolk with my wife and I. She will never see sense in that way, unfortunately. She's a narcissist and they never forgive!
I initially wanted mediation 2 years ago when she first moved to Wales just to sort out holidays but she only started the ball roling 10 days after we got married, surprise surprise.
So during the mediation which was without prejudice etc she initially agreed to the 3 months then on the 2nd demaded the 12, obviously we cam to a stalemate and since cancelled any further mediation.
As much as she dislikes me, or is jealous, finds it unfair I sincerely don't see her restricting any access. Our son is very strong willed and would probably find his way down if he could!! She's not that evil (hopefully).
Yes I think ignoring the solicitors letter is the way forward I will, with the help of a very good female friend who has all the right words, put together an articulated response and let her stew. As he gets older I'm hoping it'll get easier but I do fear for her as I think she'll alienate herself from him. And in the past I've often offered the hand of friendship, help which she has either turned down or abused.

@Adrian w You're making a very big mistake thinking that your ex isn't "that evil". They get bad advice from all sorts especially bitter women groups. Mark my words if your ex sees that you're not ready to play ball she will withhold access of your child 100% and you'll be sorry for underestimating her. Your son is strong willed but he is still only 7 and can easily be manipulated. Daddy cant see you this week cos he is busy at work, Daddy has moved to another part of town, Daddy's new wife called me and said you're not welcome in their house etc. You wont even get the opportunity to see your son to refute all these lies. Then when you go to her house and demand to see your son she will call the police and allege that you're stalking and harassing her and you will get your first arrest and possibly a Non-Molestation Order. She will then use the arrest / NMO as "evidence" to get legal aid and get help from Domestic Abuse agencies and charities. I underestimated my ex and never thought she will be that evil but this is similar to what happened to me. From seeing my son every weekend and having fun, to thinking we were in mediation, to child being withheld and to me getting arrested when i went to her house to request access.

Now my advice to you is to strike now when you can. Attack is the best form of defence. Take the offensive step now so that she will be the one on the defence. Don't make her suspect anything, but the next time your child comes to spend time in your house, you should withhold him and dont let him return to your ex. When she contacts you tell her that you wont be releasing him back to her. That way you will establish a new status quo as the child living with you. If she comes to your house, call the police. Then you may make an application to the courts for child arrangements yourself or better still leave your ex to make the application herself - that way you save your £232 application fee and any solicitor fees. Having your child living with you before the application is made is paramount. It gives you so much advantage and your ex will be the one requesting for interim arrangements to see the child which you can agree or disagree with. You may say you want it supervised. We men have to turn the tables and do exactly what they do to us. Having the child with you will be play to your advantage when negotiating with ex and her barrister and may help you get a favourable consent order at the First Hearing as ex will be willing to play ball.

Take this advice and thank me later else you might regret it.