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Looking for advice and guidance

DaddyD

Well-known member
Hi all I’m new to This and looking for guidance as to what questions cafcass will ask, I was the victim of domestic violence, gaslighting, and cohersive control for the last 8 years from my ex, my main priority is my children I want them safe but they are with her atm as she won’t let me see them children services are involved and the police but I’m now at the stage where I am trying to obtain an emergency child arrangement order via my solicitor. But I understand cafcass will get involved to ask question just would like to know what kind of things they ask . Any help would be appreciated

DaddyD
 

StayStrong

Well-known member
Hi, welcome to the forum.

Do you have anything to substantiate your DA allegations?

In my own experience males don't get abused and nobody takes any notice whatsoever of facts that are presented. It is of course entirely the opposite for females.

Re CAFCASS, the mantra is not to accuse your ex of anything and to keep matters entirely child focused. However this is very difficult when a child or children has been witness to DA against a Dad.

Keep talking here and you'll get some help but imo the pendulum has swung so far in the other direction that the help you get will be mainly moral and supportive rather than practical.

SS.
 

mva

Well-known member
I was told by caffcass officer to say nothing against ex . Even though allegations where forth coming from ex against me. The officer simply didn’t want to know my side and the system is biased against men. If mum is deemed not a risk to kids then anything from your side is just looked at as mud slinging and could work against you and getting contact.
 

DaddyD

Well-known member
Hi yes I do have evidence that there was DA against me from my wife and in front of the children too as they see her do this quiet often, I’m just worried what to say to cascaff as I know I am not supposed to put the mother down but what she has done to me in the past and also things that have happened to the kids that I witnessed it’s just so so hard to cope I just want my children in a safe environment

DaddyD
 

StayStrong

Well-known member
Hi yes I do have evidence that there was DA against me from my wife and in front of the children too as they see her do this quiet often, I’m just worried what to say to cascaff as I know I am not supposed to put the mother down but what she has done to me in the past and also things that have happened to the kids that I witnessed it’s just so so hard to cope I just want my children in a safe environment

DaddyD
I understand you completely, I have been/am there. Is your "evidence" substantiated, ie. through Mankind Initiative www.mankind.org.uk?

SS.
 

Ash

Administrator
Staff member
Super Moderator
What will help is if social services also say there is DA against you. I'll write more later - but yes contact Mankind. Have you tried applying for legal aid on the grounds of domestic abuse? Only one parent can get that. Usually Mothers do as usually they';re the ones alleging DA. But your ex might have got in first. If she hasn't Mankind might be able to help with that. What do you have in writing from social services?
 

StayStrong

Well-known member
Ash, 'legal aid' is a dead duck. Any solicitor that's good charges far more than LA covers. I know. Simple google will also show.

So with LA you get the monkey not the grinder. Having supported evidence makes a Dad feel better ie Mankind, but it does not open doors. (I have the t shirt).

SS.
 
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Ash

Administrator
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Super Moderator
Better than no lawyers maybe when the ex has them and the legal aid :) I do know one Dad who got it. No they are probably not the best but at least it helps rather than having an ex with a legal aid solicitor and they do manage to cause some damage.

Take your point though.
 

DaddyD

Well-known member
Hi yes I have a solicitor and am
Using legal aid as I have been the victim of domestic abuse gaslighting my and cohesion here, so far I have a non mol which has been granted by the judge and I have also been told by children services to get my solicitors to issue an emergency child arrangement order which is being done, I have not seen my boys for nearly 4 weeks as she is refusing me to see them, police are aware of what has happened but i have had threats from her family so have not pursued this with the police . What sort of questions do cascaff ask ! Any ideas

Thanks all DaddyD
 

DaddyD

Well-known member
I have also been getting help from various Domestic abuse victim care teams which are in contact with me daily and that helps me stay strong, my Gp is aware of this too along with children services, police, and my family who are supportive and helping me through these difficult and very tough times. I have lately been getting a lot of night terrors and keep waking up which is causing lack of sleep too

DaddyD
 

Ash

Administrator
Staff member
Super Moderator
Ok. Have you had the urgent hearing yet then? You should be able to get it same day or within 48 hours. Cafcass might be at the hearing - is that what you mean? I don’t think this will be a usual Cafcass interview but when we know more about the hearing situation we can help a bit more.
 

RJ25

Well-known member
Hi yes I have a solicitor and am
Using legal aid as I have been the victim of domestic abuse gaslighting my and cohesion here, so far I have a non mol which has been granted by the judge and I have also been told by children services to get my solicitors to issue an emergency child arrangement order which is being done, I have not seen my boys for nearly 4 weeks as she is refusing me to see them, police are aware of what has happened but i have had threats from her family so have not pursued this with the police . What sort of questions do cascaff ask ! Any ideas

Thanks all DaddyD
Hi, sorry to hear your situation. I can appreciate the pain of not seeing your children, I’ve not seen mine for over a year now. I’m the opposite to you my ex is claiming domestic violence against me, all completely untrue so technically I’m the victim along with my children. Obviously she gets legal aid and I don’t so I’m self representing.

I was wondering the same thing about CAFCASS before my interview. Your situation being different my vary the question’s you’re asked. As said it can be almost anything they ask you, they might say your ex said this or that. In my case I responded to some of the things said but only to what I knew I could prove without doubt. If you have evidence to support your claim of dv then great. If you can substantiate the claim with proof then maybe it would be acceptable for you to say about these things to CAFCASS but please don’t take my word on that completely. It seems a bit of a double edge sword as you can prove it but as all of us don’t want to been seen as mud slinging or come across aggressive.

My experience with CAFCASS was a fair one the officer I had was pleasant and helpful. It may have helped that they ascertained that my ex was lying early on. Still I didn’t throw mud just more hinted at what was going on. But difficult for myself my ex is saying all sorts. Might be worth writing things down before hand then you can refer to this during the interview and sort of let CAFCASS lead the process.

Interesting point on legal aid. My ex has it her solicitor is a pompous overbearing individual. I got some legal advice and the solicitor said she hates people like my ex as she’s not complying or doing as asked by the judge. She said it’s like a snake they bite dripping their poison and disappear again. You can’t pin them down they just play this game and make life difficult.

I was told though as she has legal aid and is represented she’ll in all likelihood get away with far less than I would as I’m not a professional. I.e not following things to the letter, she has complete guidance and can ask a professional at any point so has no excuse for failing to do anything asked. I don’t so potentially I may get a little leeway. This obviously hasn’t stopped her from being no compliant so I’ll have to wait and see where it goes for now.

It’s a difficult process I won’t lie, but you have hope. I was told don’t do anything even though she’s dragging it out and lying about me. Keep showing I’m child focused and a nice guy and let her lies be her own downfall.

If your ex is as aggressive as you say she won’t be able to hide that side for ever and it will show. Probably when you reach court and you start telling the truth she probably won’t be able to hold it in and everyone will see the real her. That will come with my ex she’s a narcissistic control freak!

Was told once, if you want to upset a normal person tell them a lie. If you want to upset a narcissist tell them the truth.

Long and short really is stay strong ask advice here and don’t quit. I know CAFCASS might seem nerve racking but it’s only the first step. If you can show these things in court do it there as you’ll have the opportunity to do so. If you have support from other professionals and even SS that could also help.

I’ll presume that as you started the court process you must have submitted some information regarding your situation with your application?
 
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DaddyD

Well-known member
Hi yes I submitted the process with a non molestation order first and now I’m starting an emergency child arrangement order,
The non mol is being issued without knowledge to my wife as she don’t know about it yet but should get it on Tuesday and that’s when the solicitor is going to start the emergency child arrangement order, so no hearing yet. My wife has prob coheresed my 2 young boys as I have not seen them for nearly a month so my eldest who is 8 is pen thinking daddy is not coming back and that is painful as all I wanaydo is reach out for him to say I’m trying my hardest to see you. It was the children services that said to me ask your solicitor for the emergency child arrangement order asap so they must be on my side I believe as things have happened to the kids too don’t wanna go into too much detail but the name calling swearing and abuse to me and my youngest not my oldest son but also to my step daughter, I have recordings of the children saying mummy done this mummy done that weather it helps I don’t know but cs know I have proof in the way of voice recordings etc
 

DaddyD

Well-known member
Ok. Have you had the urgent hearing yet then? You should be able to get it same day or within 48 hours. Cafcass might be at the hearing - is that what you mean? I don’t think this will be a usual Cafcass interview but when we know more about the hearing situation we can help a bit more.
I had the non mol granted but still has to be issued to her, my solicitor said she will start the emergency child arrangement order which will involve cafcass seeing the children myself and my wife all separate, I just want to know what sort of things they ask etc all I know is I can say I’m a great father and do things with them that’s from morning until night as I’m a stay at home father and the ex only works 2 days a week and the rest of the time goes shopping spending money and sits down all the time
 

RJ25

Well-known member
If you have started with that then I’d assume that CAFCASS will have some knowledge of the situation. It also depends on what your ex says too. It’s a difficult question to answer for you.

I think obviously as you say you’re a good dad and your clearly child focused. I’d have thought if it’s anything like my case as your claiming dv then you’d be asked to submit the relevant information to the courts.

This is where they will start to look at things in more depth. You might end up with a fact find hearing where all the information is submitted and then each party can submit the evidence they have.

As for CAFCASS it’s very hard to say. Mine was nothing like I thought it would be. They asked about certain subjects and I answered they led the interview really. In the end I just said all I want is for my children to have a loving relationship with both parents. Though I was actually thinking my ex is a complete loon who probably needs her canister looking at but I’ll have to show that in court not to CAFCASS.
 
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Ash

Administrator
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I would think the xxxx will hit the fan when she gets the non mol. When you say emergency Child Arrangements order - there is urgent and there is urgent. If you have something from social services to say the children are at risk of harm you should be able to get a very quick hearing, ex parte again, (ie without your ex knowing) for temporary residence order until the next hearing and Cafcass investigations.

I am not sure why the solicitor is waiting till your ex has the non mol before putting the Urgent CAO in. The other kind of urgent CAO is a standard one marked urgent which might not be much quicker than a standard one.

Can you get your solicior to clarify if the urgent application is a) ex parte and b) same day or within 48 hours? And what is the urgent CAO asking for? ie time with you? For the children to live with you until a section 7 is completed?

The business of Cafcass talking to you, your ex and the children separately sounds like a Section 7 report. Which is more in depth than the standard Cafcass phone interview. And presumably will happen after the urgent CAO to get your children with you.

If social services and the Police are involved they should be able to take the children from her and give them to you but that only lasts for 48 hours (I think) which is why you then need an urgent court temporary residence order.

What happens is - they usually visit you at home for a section 7 and may ask you all kinds of things and it's also an opportunity for you to explain things to them (or even show them the odd thing). They may also be assessing (without you realising it) what your home is like and whether it's suitable or child friendly. They will do the same with your ex. They should speak to the children in school (If they're school age).

This is something else to ask the solicitor about. Will the children be with you by the time cafcass talks to them? Because if they're with your ex they won';t be able to speak freely and openly.

You might still get the standard Cafcass phone interview first, I don't know. But if you have an urgent hearing there may be a Cafcass officer present instead (I have had that before).

That's why I was asking about the urgent CAO hearing. To see if you needed to prepare for Cafcass quickly or at a later stage. But to be honest if you have grounds for an urgent temporary residence order via CAO I wouldn't see any difficulties in talking to Cafcass on the day - you will have evidence.

If a section or phone interview comes later, post on here when you have the date and we can help you think it through nearer the time.
 

DaddyD

Well-known member
I would think the xxxx will hit the fan when she gets the non mol. When you say emergency Child Arrangements order - there is urgent and there is urgent. If you have something from social services to say the children are at risk of harm you should be able to get a very quick hearing, ex parte again, (ie without your ex knowing) for temporary residence order until the next hearing and Cafcass investigations.

I am not sure why the solicitor is waiting till your ex has the non mol before putting the Urgent CAO in. The other kind of urgent CAO is a standard one marked urgent which might not be much quicker than a standard one.

Can you get your solicior to clarify if the urgent application is a) ex parte and b) same day or within 48 hours? And what is the urgent CAO asking for? ie time with you? For the children to live with you until a section 7 is completed?

The business of Cafcass talking to you, your ex and the children separately sounds like a Section 7 report. Which is more in depth than the standard Cafcass phone interview. And presumably will happen after the urgent CAO to get your children with you.

If social services and the Police are involved they should be able to take the children from her and give them to you but that only lasts for 48 hours (I think) which is why you then need an urgent court temporary residence order.

What happens is - they usually visit you at home for a section 7 and may ask you all kinds of things and it's also an opportunity for you to explain things to them (or even show them the odd thing). They may also be assessing (without you realising it) what your home is like and whether it's suitable or child friendly. They will do the same with your ex. They should speak to the children in school (If they're school age).

This is something else to ask the solicitor about. Will the children be with you by the time cafcass talks to them? Because if they're with your ex they won';t be able to speak freely and openly.

You might still get the standard Cafcass phone interview first, I don't know. But if you have an urgent hearing there may be a Cafcass officer present instead (I have had that before).

That's why I was asking about the urgent CAO hearing. To see if you needed to prepare for Cafcass quickly or at a later stage. But to be honest if you have grounds for an urgent temporary residence order via CAO I wouldn't see any difficulties in talking to Cafcass on the day - you will have evidence.

If a section or phone interview comes later, post on here when you have the date and we can help you think it through nearer the time.
Hi ash I think she will go crazy as it is an ex parte non mol, all I know is that child services said to speak to your solicitor and ask her to do an emergency child arrangement order, tbh im not exactly sure what that means ! I am back at my parents house atm as I am trying to sort out housing accomadation atm but as we are both on the tenancy and there are arrears they won’t offer me anything ! Even though I have had to flee because of domestic abuse 😢 police done a welfare check and said kids are fine but she had all her family there with her, I have told children services I have recordings of certain things that can prove Dv as I clearly say in the encoding you have punched me, whacked me hit me with objects and her reply is “yea and so what” I also have a recordin on of her daughter my step daughter saying mum has punched me n given me a black lip she was almost 14 at the time….. so this is why I think they have said for me to do an emergency cao I also have a recording of me shouting at my wife as she dragged my youngest by the arms and literally sling him across the kitchen floor as he had bit her n I clearly said you can’t do that to him he is a # year old and in this I can hear him said daddy daddy help go away mummy leave me alone . It sickens me now as I keep seeing that in dreams n I’m even crying whilst typing this to you as that’s my baby n that was the last straw I though undone things to me but you are not going to do this to my children 😢😢😢
 

DaddyD

Well-known member
Hi ash I think she will go crazy as it is an ex parte non mol, all I know is that child services said to speak to your solicitor and ask her to do an emergency child arrangement order, tbh im not exactly sure what that means ! I am back at my parents house atm as I am trying to sort out housing accomadation atm but as we are both on the tenancy and there are arrears they won’t offer me anything ! Even though I have had to flee because of domestic abuse 😢 police done a welfare check and said kids are fine but she had all her family there with her, I have told children services I have recordings of certain things that can prove Dv as I clearly say in the encoding you have punched me, whacked me hit me with objects and her reply is “yea and so what” I also have a recordin on of her daughter my step daughter saying mum has punched me n given me a black lip she was almost 14 at the time….. so this is why I think they have said for me to do an emergency cao I also have a recording of me shouting at my wife as she dragged my youngest by the arms and literally sling him across the kitchen floor as he had bit her n I clearly said you can’t do that to him he is a # year old and in this I can hear him said daddy daddy help go away mummy leave me alone . It sickens me now as I keep seeing that in dreams n I’m even crying whilst typing this to you as that’s my baby n that was the last straw I though undone things to me but you are not going to do this to my children 😢😢😢
Also police have all the details and they are looking into assault without injury on a minor but as I have not pressed charges against my wife as I have had death threats from her family and also no caller id’s calls saying I’m dead ! So I have literally been isolated so I can’t go out without fear again from her family, my parents are worried that they will come to there house, police have red marked my phone and parents address if they do turn up too. Sometimes I think is it worth all this but it’s my children I am doing this for and I will protect them always as I know what it’s like to be in a domestic violent relationship and I don’t want it happening to my children but I think she will now tread carefully as she know children services are involved
 

Ash

Administrator
Staff member
Super Moderator
Ok sometimes there isn't any joined up communication between services. Social services said to get the solicitor to do an emergency application. To me that means an ex parte order for the kids to stay with you until investigations are completed - either same day or next day hearing. But. It's a bank holiday week-end so I guess the court won't be open till Tuesday (not sure about that). And the non mol gets there Tuesday and the Solicitor said do the emergency hearing when she;s got the non mol (presumably because she can't do it before Tuesday).

So sounds to me like you need to be emailing the solicitor and saying you want to do the emergency hearing first thing on Tuesday and social services said to get an emergency order.

Although social services said this to you, do you have anything in writing? I think sometimes they need that or the social worker to attend to verify. Unless your solicitor knows otherwise.
 
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