Girlfriend having a hard time accepting that I have a kid 2 years in

[Dopamine101]

Hello Dads, I’m a younger dad in his mid 20’s with an 8 year old boy. It’s been years since me and his mom broke up and now we have an informal agreement for custody. I am now in a new relationship with a partner that doesn’t have kids and doesn’t want kids. I spilled the beans just 3 weeks into meeting my now girlfriend, but it’s been a constant rollercoaster of her accepting that I have a kid and then getting upset that I’m going to his soccer games with my ex being there at the game too. We’ve had some almost break up moments, my GF says that she would like to feel free and that we could do anything or go anywhere, which I understand. I now feel as though anytime I want to do something like attend my sons games on the weekend I’ll have to fight with my GF or just put her into a bad mood for hours. What can I do to help her accept these aspects of my life so we can either move forward in our relationship or call it quits before it becomes more difficult? Any advice is appreciated.

PS: the main concern is that she won’t accept the situation but loves me and wants to be with me and “try to get used to” the situation, but this puts me in a position where one day she may decide she can’t handle it and call it quits

 

[Ash]

Ok so what is it she actually objects to? You being a Dad and having a child? Or you going places with the ex and not taking her along? I think that can be hard for new partners to handle, if you're so amicable with the ex that you go to sporting events together. That needn't be a problem if your ex was happy for your gf to go along as well. But maybe your gf wouldn't feel comfortable with that either.

Personally I'd put your son first. Your gf is never going to be happy if she's not interested in children. She might want you to see your son less.

How old is your gf? If she is young too then she will be seeing the difference between being free and a normal couple, and you having this other life. What would she do if your ex was suddenly run over by a bus and your son was living with you full time? That might be a question to casually ask as it may reveal to you what it is exactly she is unhappy with. If she said - oh that would be ok because then we'd be having freedom and a normal life with your son - then you'd know it was situational - to do with your son having schedules and you being amicable with the ex.

But if she said - I couldn't handle that as I don't want children - well then you know what's what.

 

[Dopamine101]

She’s also mid 20’s and as far as her objection, I think it’s a little bit of both, jealousy that she isn’t the “center of my universe,” which keeps her from wanting to attend the games with me, which makes her worried and picture scenarios in her head about what is happening at these games and sparks flying across the field. She does feel that having a kid around a big responsibility and is trying to get used to it say by day. I’ve communicated that I don’t expect anything at all as far as her role in my sons life and it won’t be as involved as she’s thinking. My biggest issue is the stress of wanting to be an involved good father as much as possible, but then the other end of the sword is cutting me when I do what I think is right. A lot of this is also tricky as I’m also experiencing a lot of firsts since I spent a few years single and haven’t had to face introducing someone to my son, or navigating my new life with my old one.

 

[Ash]

Ultimately, if you and your gf became a permanent item and you lived together, she would be a stepmum. It would be nigh on impossible to lead two separate lives - one with your son and one with your gf. So it would be a case of your son having another family unit with you and your gf. And even if your gf got used to that, I wonder how your ex would react as it's common for ex's to play up when Dad has a new partner and child has a stepmum.

It's not impossible to lead separate lives though and your gf just be around and polite when your son is there, and be a friend, but not be involved in any parenting matters. She may still feel resentful that you have to coparent with your ex though.

 

[Resolute]

There is another angle I would take into account as you navigate through this puzzle. If you do involve your new partner in the shared moments with your ex. You might find this puts your ex's nose out of joint. If that happens, you could cause long term damage to the arrangement with your ex. An informal arrangement is a very delicate flower.

I like Ash's suggestion about gently getting to the root cause of your new gf's discomfort. If she doesn't like the idea of you being committed to your son regardless of your ex. I'm not sure what the solution would be.

I think I'd want the new relationship to develop a quite a bit before making any big moves. It would be nice to make sure things are stable before your son gets too invested in a relationship with her.

 

[Roblox]

I assume you don't live together yet. Has she met your son?

I think a lot of people in their 20s are a bit self absorbed and selfish. Does she have nieces / nephews or friends with young kids. If not I can understand a boyfriend with a child would feel quite alien.

As mentioned upthread sometimes this is down to her not liking the idea of another woman involved in your life. It's just happens to be this is via your son but at the core of it may well be it's another woman's child.

Woman are generally more nurturing so this can be a surprise but on more female dominated parenting sites you'll see stories of all the drama occurring on the time the step kids are visitng. I'm sure there's reasons but you kind of feel fundamentally they don't like the idea of their own dynamic being disrupted by another woman's children. I would hasten to add this obviously is only some women.

I split from my ex when my younger two were very young and I vowed not to introduce them to anyone until they were a bit older. Doing this makes dating difficult unless you're happy with a mote casual arrangement, or at least that's how I've found it.