Dealing with handovers

[Resolute]

We have handovers at 6:30pm in a public place, a cafe. Been doing this since October, just after DD's 6th bday, and have been reliable. First few handovers the three of us walked down the road, 100 yards max. I gave DD a hug and crossed at the lights. This was too smooth for my ex. Solicitor letter asking me to stay at the cafe a few minutes after they leave so she can get away (mock fear of me waiting outside to ambush), I agree.

Ex has been turning up at the cafe and not taking DD with her. We hug and say goodbye, DD goes to mum, mum lets her come back to me, process repeats for 15-30 mins. Recently ex came in to have a go about how long it is taking. I told her I am not keeping DD "you have to take her with you, I cannot take her with you."

I challenged the idea of me staying at the cafe as likely to be ineffective and offered to work together on making handover smooth. Her last written take on this was that handovers are going well. I have reiterated to her and solicitor to let me know if there are any issues with handovers, told them I am eager to resolve any problems together.

Yesterday DD went to mum multiple times and was allowed to come back to me. She then refused to go to mum unless I carried her over. I took her in my arms and delivered her to mum. Then I walked back to my seat. She came back to me and refused again, asking me to carry her again. Mum remains about 20 metres away and starts taking photos/video with a digital camera. I smile and wave, saying to DD - look, mummy's taking pictures of us, smile and wave with me. This is the second time recently she has been recording. I got a triple promise from DD she would stay with mum if I agree to carry her again, she agrees and handover succeeds after approx 30 mins. DD says mum tells her it is her responsibility to make handover quick and she is under threat of punishment is she gets back late - no tv, no treat, no story, straight to bed...

This situation is being manipulated so she can claim I am "challenging the boundaries of contact". I've agreed not to walk away, I gently encourage DD without making her feel I am rejecting her. DD always wants to stay longer with me. I tell her that we have our arrangement and we need to stick to it, this secures her cooperation on my side and we get there on time as a result.

I'm tempted by emailing the solicitor after each handover, emailing her after each handover, telling her I am going to say goodbye and leave, filming handovers... It is doing my head in.

If I stay as requested I am in the wrong, if I leave I am a menace. This has been going on since March 2021, she was playing the same tricks when handover were in our respective homes. The best way of doing this would be for me to get DD to end of garden path, she would go in and have the door closed behind her. Pity I am such a menace, I cannot set foot on that road.

I don't feel I can remain silent on this much longer, what do you think of this as a stab at handling?:

Dear XXXX

I am very happy you reported that handovers are going well. All the same, I want to check in with you because they are taking quite a long time. does seem to relish the lengthy goodbyes and I'm sure she appreciates you allowing her to take some time. You often come over to us and highlight that time is passing, you did yesterday evening (24/6/22).

Please confirm that you will take her with you if ever you do need to leave on time/swiftly. There really is nothing further I can do to hurry things up if I continue to respect your request that I remain at the location until after you have left with our daughter. You sending her back to me so often is not a problem on my part. If you feel it helps her with the transition and allows for a happier departure - I can continue to be flexible.

Our daughter is always made available to you at the agreed location and the agreed time. I say goodbye to her and encourage her, sometimes even carry her, over to you. She is in your care from the moment of your arrival. Please be assured, if you exercise your prerogative under our CAO and leave swiftly with her, as you did on Sunday the 19th of June, there will be no resistence from me.

If it feels to you that handover could be improved, I remain open to your suggestions and will happily consider a co-parenting agreement to make things the best they can be.

Res.

 

[Ash]

Tricky. I always thing about how it would be if it was the other way round. You would think the Mother was encouraging her to want to stay and not being firm enough or something. Really both parents should be saying to DD - you're going with Mum/Dad now. See you soon.

But it's tricky because you're both there and she can see you both. I haven't had this issue because pickups and drop offs have always been from ex's house. My son, when younger, would often say he didn't want to go back (it's mainly because they don't have long enough times with us and long gaps in between I think - which is why 50/50 is better!). But when he got there, he'd walk into the house. Those were doorstep changeovers, so short of running back to the car, he had no option really. Plus my ex would be standing there looking ferocious.

After I went to court she refused to ever speak to me again (and still doesn't) and she told my son he was to just go out to the car. And I was to drop him at the gate and he would go in. Done that ever since. The thing is, my ex is a rottweiler so son does what he's told by her or he gets hardship. In fact he is so concerned about being back on time, he tells me to hurry up sometimes when it's time to go. He's been trained by her. So it isn't an issue. But I think it was harsh training.

It does sound like your ex is using threats to get daughter to do what she's told at handovers. I personally think it's a really bad idea both of you being there with distance in the middle! You probably do too. She can see both of you. It makes it harder for her to walk away in a more "fun" place like a cafe.

But you do risk being accused of manipulating the situation yourself. Even though it's your ex's ridiculous suggestions of how it works.

I can see you want to document what happened. Is it an option for your ex to pick up at your place. And you just send daughter out and say Mummy is here to pick you up? I'd think about what would work, before emailing her.

In fact I'd be suggesting an alternative if emailing her and saying daughter is clearly finding the changeovers difficult when she can see both of you and there's distance between you and she has to walk away. And suggest something else. Ignore what's previously been said by your ex with her dramas, and just keep it child focused. Let her say - I can't do xyz because of xyz and look unchild focused!

What you don't want is her using changeovers as an excuse to reduce time. How long is your daughter with you? Is it just Friday to Sunday every other week-end? Sorry, I know you've said before.

 

[Resolute]

Week 1 - Friday 15:15-18:30
Week 2 - Friday 15:15-Sunday 18:30

Daughter loves the handovers as they are. She goes to mum quite quickly, mum sends her back to me!

Doing it at mine would shorten time with me and transfer lengthy return journey to mum. It would not be possible on weekends I do not have overnights.

Option is me leaving at same time as them or before them. They took that off the table early because it was working smoothly. Location of handover is specified on court order. She will be keeping a diary to dump as late evidence next time we are in court.

 

[Resolute]

Daughter goes with ex when she takes her, no crying or issues, ex is not taking her.

 

[Resolute]

Round 2:

Dear XXXX

I am not sure why it takes so long for you to leave the handover location with our daughter. Every time I encourage her to go with you and she goes over readily. On Friday the 24th of June I carried her to you twice and walked back to my seat. Instead of taking her with you, for some reason you sent her back and took photographs of her and I together.

Obviously, this is all on CCTV.

Would it help you if I left the handover location first?

Please let me know.

Res.

 

[mva]

Sounds like ex is trying to get evidence to put in a non - mol against you . With you walking towards ex with child deemed as antagonising or threatening and involving child in parental conflict . her taking photos is very suspect . Or she is trying to log the time via photos to claim you are elongating contact … sounds very difficult situation and you need to continue to cover yourself

 

[Resolute]

Non mol was adjourned, no liberty to restore following final hearing. We now have no contact other than handovers. Barrister sneaked clause barring me from road mum lives on into child arrangements order with no discussion in court, so non mol achieved by back door already. This will be blown out of all proportion and used to present her "lived experience" of my continued abuse. It won't be enough to support findings against me, but they don't want that, they just want to discredit me by any means.