Counselling/Therapy

[Roblox]

Just interested if anyone on the forum has done or explored this.

I'm separated, divorced and been through court / come out the other side so to speak but some days do think it could help.

Would be interested to hear whether those that have done it benefited and felt they learnt something new or coping mechanisms etc.

Also be interested in recommendations if a nationwide firm or someone could recommend in the Midlands area. Do you get male / female specialists in this area?

Thanks

 

[Ash]

You can get free counselling via the GP. But then you don't get a choice and there's usually a bit of a waiting list. I found writing things down helps - although was often too busy - and that is the problem - you don't have the time to process it all when you have to keep going with work etc.

Seeing someone once a week could be helpful - an outlet and some support. Some Dads have done this during court proceedings - it's also support. If you google local ones it's a minefield - there are so many, with different approaches, different views, different qualifications. Almost anyone can set up as a counsellor after doing a few courses. But I'd start by looking for those registered with the Ukcp. They will have proper professional qualifications.

An acquaintance of mine retrained as a counsellor/therapist after being made redundant and needed to have very thorough qualifications to be UKcp registered.

 

[Ash]

More info here


"We hold a national register of psychotherapists and psychotherapeutic counsellors, to protect the public, and to provide public confidence in the profession we regulate. Only therapists who meet our exacting standards and training requirements can be on our register, which is accredited by the Professional Standards Authority for Health and Social Care."


"Choosing a therapist who is UKCP-registered gives you reassurance about their training and qualifications. It means they have agreed to follow ethical codes and standards and to undertake ongoing training and development."


They have a search facility. Looks like you look up local ones and put their names into the search facility to see if they're registered. But they should have Ukcp on their web page if they're registered.

UK Council for Psychotherapy | UKCP

The UK Council for Psychotherapy is the leading organisation for psychotherapists and psychotherapeutic counsellors in the UK. Alongside offering professional support for our members we regulate the profession and promote access to psychotherapy for all.

www.psychotherapy.org.uk

 

[Roblox]

Thanks Ash

 

[Resolute]

I have used three counsellors/therapists since getting caught up in my struggle - less than 2 years ago. Two of them I found on here:

Counselling Directory - Find a Counsellor Near You

Counselling Directory connects you with professional counsellors and therapists near you to help you find the help you need.

www.counselling-directory.org.uk

You can filter the search to what you need, female/male specialist or whatever. It has been helpful for me, more as a pressure valve than anything else.

Coping mechanisms are a part of talking therapy, but you might find more use in a series of CBT sessions. These can be accessed through Health in Mind or whatever your local provider is called. GP should be able to signpost you to self-refer. In my experience this type of service is more easily available than talking therapy.

A decent therapist will often have a sliding scale for fees. Somewhere between £30-£50 a session should be possible if there isn't a lot of spare cash about.

 

[MagicJ]

I've used one in the region, sourced from the Industry bodies mentioned above and via a NHS Mental Health assessment for talking therapy.

About £40 a session, it's been been helpful, a safe space and I can see the journey that I've been in, would recommend it.

 

[MagicJ]

A few months in, I'm finding the talking therapy is helping me less, so have switched gears to get a referral into a CBT instead , will let you know how that goes

 

[Ash]

Is that private or would it show on your medical records?

 

[MagicJ]

Is that private or would it show on your medical records?

It will show on the medical record

 

[MagicJ]

I can't see that being an issue, looking for ways to handle the stress of a divorce and childcare proceedings surely can only be a positive move?

 

[Ash]

It’s the kind of thing that some unscrupulous solicitors would try and use against you and claim you had mental health issues and unfit to parent. Both sides do that sometimes. Presumably cbt wouldn’t be free or on the nhs anyway would it?

 

[MagicJ]

I think in the NHS for our locality the CBT is free on NHS but the Talking Therapy was not offered so was private

 

[Peanut 21]

It’s the kind of thing that some unscrupulous solicitors would try and use against you and claim you had mental health issues and unfit to parent. Both sides do that sometimes. Presumably cbt wouldn’t be free or on the nhs anyway would it?

On the flip side, he could argue back he's finding positive steps to deal with a difficult situation rather than bottling up.

 

[Ash]

It would help if that was in writing by someone in that case. But the other side would use it to say - Dad has mental health issues.

 

[MagicJ]

It would help if that was in writing by someone in that case. But the other side would use it to say - Dad has mental health issues.

I presume if roles were reversed and STBX has been to the same service prior to the Divorce it makes no difference?

 

[Ash]

It can work either way.

 

[Peanut 21]

It can work either way.

Although it's likely that the reasonable party wouldn't use it.

 

[MagicJ]

I thought I'd share my experience, court relevance aside, as I've now been at counselling for 7-8 months.


Context

For context, I have good support network that consists of a couple of friends who between them provide a mix of emotional support, pragmatic advice and legal, non family law, context based general advice.

This is complemented by my space within the community here at DWK in both hearing what I need to say and listening when others need to speak .

Stats

Frequency: Weekly @ 50minutes
Costs: £30-40 per session
Counsellor: Female & cultural match

That's a total outlay to date of approx 1k across 28 sessions or 24 continous of counselling(!)

I have always been open to counselling and talking therapy resonates with my personality albeit I've never actually tried it outside the context of a few couple counselling sessions

Thoughts

I'd open by saying my experience is that talking therapy is about guiding you to ask the right questions and make the journey towards reframing how you see a situation to build resilience and move forward in your life.

It's not about being vindicated in your beliefs and actions, being told that you haven't made mistakes or that other people are wrong.

Picking the Right Counsellor

This is important, pick the type of person you'd feel confident you can open upto, for example I just couldn't have been so open with another guy, or someone who didn't innately understand my cultural background.

There also no harm in trying a counsellor out & deciding they're not the right fit as, one you do start, it's potentially a long term commitment and you don't want to chop and change once they've built up a history with you.

My Experience

In the beginning it was about having a space where I could just vent in person about how I'd arrived at my present situation, the events leading up to it and how that made me feel.

As the sessions progressed so did my conversation from bringing myself out from under the process and actually looking at what I was going through and what it had done to me as an individual.

It was hard to recognise but it became clear over time I'd become adept at being in SURVIVAL MODE so long that, what I thought was dealing with my situation, in terms of processing the decision to divorce, submitting it and what came next as well as the relationship's history, had instead significantly altered me as I'd unknowingly actually just compartmentlised so well that it all ended where I couldn't see it & 'covered with a sofa throw' to boot!

This is when I made real change because I was able to, with the help of the counsellor, look at how I'd reacted throughout my journey and accept that it had been rough and difficult and it was okay to face that emotion head on.

As time has progressed, I've found myself looking forward to the sessions as the one place I can say the things that I can't even say to my friends and that openess has helped me to reasses who I was versus where I was and understand that actually the parts of me that led me to where I am weren't wrong they just needed adjusting to reflect my worth and limiting in their use to protect that worth in future relationships.

Today these sessions have become useful to me, not just to tackle the reaction to the process but also I've started to use them to understand underlying issues elsewhere in my wider relationships which are emotionally sensitive but I've never had the courage to face - for example my fathers failing health.

I can't continue these sessions forever but I won't be letting go of them until this court process is finished.

The ability of the counsellor to have built up a history of what you've been going through, take a read of who you are as a person and to reflect that when dealing with the current sessions topics has helped me to feel heard and listened to, even though it is a guided reflection at its core.

This is a point that most of us don't get, being listened too, when going through a messy divorce or separation in a UK Court process.

DWK is the only other place to find it but sometimes we need to have that face to face as well!

Hope this Helps anyone else who is considering counselling, good luck!

MagicJ

 

[UkDad]

I've had a few counselling sessions over the last few weeks and starting to doubt the effectiveness they actually have (at least for me, others may find it helpful), I will however continue with it for now as it's something that's included in my work package. The initial talking of your story to the counsellor helps at the beginning and they try to give you some exercises which are very temporary and subsequent sessions feel deja vu. The reality is the counsellor has likely not been in the situation you are in and hence they can't relate to what you are going through. I am therefore considering paid coaching from other dads that have actually been through a similar nightmare. If and when I find a good coach I will post back on this forum.

 

[MagicJ]

Counselling comes in many forms, talking therapy being the traditional one, and as you say, its effectiveness is dependent on the individual personality.

I would suggest, from your comment on coaching, you are looking for a framework or approach to adapt, maybe look for a CBT ( Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) provider and see if that works better for you?

They tend to be focused on changing your mindset and providing the mental toolset to implement those changes.

FYI - I've been going to counselling for 10m on a weekly basis and, whilst I did try coaching and found it useful, for me at least, talking therapy has been effective

Hope that Helps, MJ