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Cafcass safeguarding report

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Jase896

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Hello everyone,

I received the safeguarding report today from Cafcass, and although it is very balanced there was one allegation from my ex that absolutely floored me!

She has claimed that she is concerned I abused our daughter as she is now wary of men. This has absolutely sickened me and caused me a lot of distress, how can someone think this up but to actually make the claim has disgusted me. Has anyone got any advice of how to combat this and any advice on what to do next?

Also what are the worst allegations anyone else’s ex has made towards them?

Thank you for listening.
 
My ex alleged that I am not aware of my child's "physical boundaries" and that I "force" the child to kiss me on the lips. Along with this (allegedly) I forced the child to bathe naked with me and insisted that physical presentation of the child conformed with my standard of beauty rather than the innocent preferences our child begged me to accept. My ex acknowledged that none of what she was telling the court was necessarily an indication of sexual impropriety in relation to the child. She was however, categorical in her report on my alleged addiction to pornography and the concomitant disinterest in sexual gratification on offer from her. In short, she thought she could make something dodgy out of the fact that I'd shown no interest in her physically for years. In addition to the heavily implied sexual desire for my own child, she accused me of using sexual disinterest as a means of controlling her. Apparently I was prone to belittle her by getting off on images of more attractive women. She told the court I was making unwanted sexual advances while trapping her in a sexless imitation of a relationship.

All of the above was a diversion.

Luckily I let it turn my stomach and focussed on parts of the 2 or 3 hundred page application that hinged on more than interpretation. I knew there was no evidence to support such outrageous lies. It did not make sense to focus on these parts of her application. I had concrete proof that the rest of her account was false or contradictory. She never focused on any of the sexual stuff. I think it was there to divert my focus and make me fight the wrong battle. I was shocked and appalled, it was so hard to read. None of it was important though.
 
Resolute said:
My ex alleged that I am not aware of my child's "physical boundaries" and that I "force" the child to kiss me on the lips. Along with this (allegedly) I forced the child to bathe naked with me and insisted that physical presentation of the child conformed with my standard of beauty rather than the innocent preferences our child begged me to accept. My ex acknowledged that none of what she was telling the court was necessarily an indication of sexual impropriety in relation to the child. She was however, categorical in her report on my alleged addiction to pornography and the concomitant disinterest in sexual gratification on offer from her. In short, she thought she could make something dodgy out of the fact that I'd shown no interest in her physically for years. In addition to the heavily implied sexual desire for my own child, she accused me of using sexual disinterest as a means of controlling her. Apparently I was prone to belittle her by getting off on images of more attractive women. She told the court I was making unwanted sexual advances while trapping her in a sexless imitation of a relationship.

All of the above was a diversion.

Luckily I let it turn my stomach and focussed on parts of the 2 or 3 hundred page application that hinged on more than interpretation. I knew there was no evidence to support such outrageous lies. It did not make sense to focus on these parts of her application. I had concrete proof that the rest of her account was false or contradictory. She never focused on any of the sexual stuff. I think it was there to divert my focus and make me fight the wrong battle. I was shocked and appalled, it was so hard to read. None of it was important though.
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How on earth is it possible to let it go though after such horrible allegations? I know the allegations are false and I need to focus on the more important things, but it is hard. I would of thought that if she had said this cafcass in regards to me potentially abusing my child then the police would of been informed and I would of had a knock at my door?
 
Cafcass made limited recommendations based on the seriousness of allegations. The court did not follow cafcass recommendations. Empty allegations can quietly unravel over time. There is no fanfare when lies fall by the wayside. The other side's position statement at each of my hearings proposed only "contact centre" time. I have never been to a contact centre. There was no need to challenge every allegation head on.

Your ex's allegation sounds nonsensical, concerned you may have abused the child because the child is wary of men. Is this anything more than mud-slinging? The tactic is to try and make court wary of you in any way possible.
 
Resolute said:
Cafcass made limited recommendations based on the seriousness of allegations. The court did not follow cafcass recommendations. Empty allegations can quietly unravel over time. There is no fanfare when lies fall by the wayside. The other side's position statement at each of my hearings proposed only "contact centre" time. I have never been to a contact centre. There was no need to challenge every allegation head on.

Your ex's allegation sounds nonsensical, concerned you may have abused the child because the child is wary of men. Is this anything more than mud-slinging? The tactic is to try and make court wary of you in any way possible.
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Can the judge go against the recommendations of CAFCASS? I have my first hearing on Wednesday and I do not know what to expect or to say, any advice?
 
Peanut 21 said:
What dreadful women.
Creating a fear in your own child of men is disturbing.
They can't cut off their own feelings and allow the children to create their own identity.
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I feel so sorry for my daughter, She is living in a house where the perception of men isn't a healthy one. My ex partner was physically abused as a child by her dad and I fear she is projecting her own father issues onto our daughter and using her as a vessel for her own pain from her past.

It is absolutely criminal that these people have the power and dictatorship properties to make decisions for children who do not have the ability to choose for themselves. The are not trophies to be used, they are living human beings who have just as many rights as we do.
 
Jase896 said:
Can the judge go against the recommendations of CAFCASS? I have my first hearing on Wednesday and I do not know what to expect or to say, any advice?
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Yes, a judge can go against the recommendations of Cafcass. Cafcass advise, the court decides.

The court process is not intuitive. If your ex is going to be represented. It would benefit you to have a barrister of your own.

A first hearing is mainly about direction on what happens next and a decision on arrangements for the kid(s) in the interim.
 
Resolute said:
Yes, a judge can go against the recommendations of Cafcass. Cafcass advise, the court decides.

The court process is not intuitive. If your ex is going to be represented. It would benefit you to have a barrister of your own.

A first hearing is mainly about direction on what happens next and a decision on arrangements for the kid(s) in the interim.
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I have a solicitor and they have said they will direct a barrister for me. I am so nervous as all I want is to be a father to my daughter
 
In that case it would be good to ensure that the solicitor knows what outcome you want and that you are willing to find agreement. A good solicitor will provide the barrister with what they need when they are instructed. It is unlikely that either side will get exactly what they want. So aim higher than your minimum.

The allegation against you, as expressed above, is more implied than openly made. Your ex's barrister could tell the court that your ex can evidence abuse by you. I have seen this tactic used to tie the court's hands.

You could ask the solicitor to instruct the barrister to write a position statement for the day. They could also ask the barrister if they need anything from you about the allegations, your involvement as a father...
 
it is very balanced there was one allegation from my ex that absolutely floored me
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That sounds positive if it was very balanced. The thing to remember with these Cafcass letters (assume it was the initial safeguarding letter?) is that most of what is in them is not Cafcass view, but is just reporting what each parent has said. Selectively sometimes. The bit at the end is usually the important bit. Where they interpret things a bit and where they make "recommendations" to the court. However, as Resolute says, the court decides what to do, not Cafcass and those recommendations aren't always followed - at this stage. Partly that's because Judges have seen it all before. They are used to horrific allegations, police reports and so on, so minor, vague ones they can just dismiss.

Yes it is sickening reading these things. As resolute describes, partly this is a psychological tactic to get to you so you either give up and go away (they hope), or mess up because you're upset. Try to detach from the words on the paper and keep focused on the end goal. It's all just words at this stage.

Were there any allegations directly against you? Like you did this or that? If not then it will probably just be seen as Mother negativity or anxiety. And if not then she maybe isn't claiming legal aid. Because that's one reason allegations are made - to get legal aid and free solicitors. Legal aid is only available for family court, if there is abuse. That doesn't meant there is abuse, it just means the ex says there is!

If you're using a solicitor, are you happy with the way they are dealing with things? Some of them can be a bit lazy or wishy washy. It's good you're using a barrister as well though. If using both you probably won't need a position statement. Solicitors tend not to do them and rely on their own verbal submissions.
 
This is what she said in relation to my daughter,

‘ xxxxx is said to have become very ‘clingy’ and she is concerned that he may have abused xxxxx and she is now wary of men. xxxxx does not ask about her father and is said to be doing well since her time with her father was ceased and this was based on her needing to safeguard xxxxx and advice from other professionals. ‘

I know it isn’t true and I am trying to forget it and put it to the back of my mind, but it is very hard and sickening to even comprehend that someone could say these things.

I’m going to have a meeting tomorrow with my solicitor and take it from there as this is all very new to me.
 
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It is sick isn't it - what she's hinting at. This is a process you have to go through one step at a time. Investigations, hearings, until it's established there are no issues.

I often think when ex's make these allegations suggesting sexual abuse, or other abuse of a child - it's a way of trying to scare you off, so they get their own way and don't have to co parent or have schedules any more.
 
And yes your ex would say she isn't asking about her Father or missing him wouldn't she? What's awful is Cafcass take that as read.
 
I don’t think she realises that I won’t give up, I’d run through walls for my daughter, I have been their from the beginning and the main carer for our daughter up until we spilt, I did absolutely everything. It broke my heart reading that when she said our daughter hasn’t asked about me as I know it’s a lie, as my daughters last to me last time I saw her where ‘ I want to give daddy a cuddle ‘
 
Jase896 said:
This is what she said in relation to my daughter,

‘ xxxxx is said to have become very ‘clingy’ and she is concerned that he may have abused xxxxx and she is now wary of men. xxxxx does not ask about her father and is said to be doing well since her time with her father was ceased and this was based on her needing to safeguard xxxxx and advice from other professionals. ‘

I know it isn’t true and I am trying to forget it and put it to the back of my mind, but it is very hard and sickening to even comprehend that someone could say these things.

I’m going to have a meeting tomorrow with my solicitor and take it from there as this is all very new to me.
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Cafcass are not very good at making it clear when they are just parroting one of the parents. But, what you shared doesn't come across as the author's opinion. Notice repetition of the phrase "is said".

If the child does not speak to your ex about you. That might say more about your ex than it does about you. My child is always speaking to me about my ex. I am interested and avoid responding negatively - even when this is hard. If your ex does not like hearing about you or says negative things about you. Of course she is not going to hear about you. A clingy child might be stressed, or responding to the fact that their environment is unpredictable. Could clinginess be a consequence of not seeing you? There are numerous ways of explaining wariness of men. Children who were never abused can be wary of men. Even if all of what your ex says is true, I see nothing that counts as a clear mark against you.

Detailed arguments about this stuff will come much later down the line. There is no point in trying to disprove hearsay at this point. It is just hearsay. A first hearing will not give an opportunity to cross examine or the time to consider everything closely. In my view, you should rise above your ex's position and make a case for something better.
 
Resolute said:
Cafcass are not very good at making it clear when they are just parroting one of the parents. But, what you shared doesn't come across as the author's opinion. Notice repetition of the phrase "is said".

If the child does not speak to your ex about you. That might say more about your ex than it does about you. My child is always speaking to me about my ex. I am interested and avoid responding negatively - even when this is hard. If your ex does not like hearing about you or says negative things about you. Of course she is not going to hear about you. A clingy child might be stressed, or responding to the fact that their environment is unpredictable. Could clinginess be a consequence of not seeing you? There are numerous ways of explaining wariness of men. Children who were never abused can be wary of men. Even if all of what your ex says is true, I see nothing that counts as a clear mark against you.

Detailed arguments about this stuff will come much later down the line. There is no point in trying to disprove hearsay at this point. It is just hearsay. A first hearing will not give an opportunity to cross examine or the time to consider everything closely. In my view, you should rise above your ex's position and make a case for something better.
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Thank you for your words, they do fill me with confidence that it is just my ex partner making lies up to either make me give up or get mad and ruin my chances in the up coming court hearings. I have and always will rise above her allegations and tactics and will always focus on what is important which is doing what is right for our daughter and moving forward. I am not interested in engaging in mud slinging contests or discussing our relationship as that is not relevant in this matter. Our daughter is not and never will be a trophy to parade in front of the other parent as a sign of victory
 
Jase896 said:
Thank you for your words, they do fill me with confidence that it is just my ex partner making lies up to either make me give up or get mad and ruin my chances in the up coming court hearings. I have and always will rise above her allegations and tactics and will always focus on what is important which is doing what is right for our daughter and moving forward. I am not interested in engaging in mud slinging contests or discussing our relationship as that is not relevant in this matter. Our daughter is not and never will be a trophy to parade in front of the other parent as a sign of victory
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Many members on here have dealt with allegations. Some of them much more serious than any in this thread. I gave an indicative outline of one set of allegations. Other sets of allegations have been thrown at me. They are still being made. I do not expect them to stop. Unless she runs out of people who will listen. That will not happen until she stops paying for an audience.

At the beginning I thought the lies would go away. For me, they have just evolved with our situation.

Unimaginably ridiculous has become normal.
 
Jase896 said:
Can the judge go against the recommendations of CAFCASS? I have my first hearing on Wednesday and I do not know what to expect or to say, any advice?
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I had several allegations thrown at me , alcohol abuse , drugs , domestic abuse , stealing and many more .
It was recommended to go to a fact finding hearing although I then had a chance to respond to the allegations I'm a statement and the fact finding was dismissed .
My barrister was shocked , he said it was unexpected to say the least .
So they can go against advice , obviously no guarantee but they can .
I still do not have any interim yet but regardless they can go against it .
 
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