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CAFCASS interview
- Thread starter bbl
- Start date
Hi, so sorry that you are going through this as well. Keep everything child focused and don’t get drawn into talking about the ex or the relationship that you had. I was asked a question about the relationship with the ex and stupidly I answered it. If I had my time again I would just answer by saying my relationship that I had with my ex isn’t important. It’s all about the child/children. They deserve to see and spend time with their Mum and Dad. You are willing to co-parent amicably etc etc. Do everything you can to keep it fully focused on the children
Same as Scooter has said make sure you keep it child focused and don’t mud sling. Even be pleasant about ex even if you don’t think it it shows that you want to co parent amicably.
Biggest thing with most Cafcass officers is there very female biased and will usually speak to them first before you so they will have a view of you before they’ve even spoken to you and this can be bad depending on what ex has said etc. The fathers have to be child focused mothers don’t they can say what they like even if none of it’s true and then you have to fight tooth and nail to show it’s false but if it was other way around your accused of being controlling abusive etc it’s madness but don’t let that worry you just be calm and polite answer the questions but always have in the back of your mind with your answers “child focused” and answer accordingly.
Make it all about your kids and the need for them to have a full and loving relationship with both parents and that you just want them to have a settled life spending time with both of you.
Depending on what ex has said they may ask or accuse you of some unsavoury things but again be calm and if you know it’s not true just say “that’s not correct I don’t know why she’s saying that” and move on. Don’t fall into the trap of over answering Cafcass are just there to see if you are a good parent and only have your child’s best interests at heart which includes wanting them to have a relationship with both of you no matter your personal feelings about ex.
The advice I got on here was invaluable when I had these calls and meetings as I was able to completely shut down anything my ex said by being calm and only focusing on what was important which is our children.
Let us know how you get on and there is so many great people on here that can offer advice and support throughout this.
Thank you
Thank you so much for the advise, honestly you don't know what this means having the support and someone who cares. It has been the most painful experience I have ever been through. My ex partner has put forward false allegations in order stop me from seeing my son, it means everything to know people are going through the same thing and I am not alone.
Yes I had legal advise and I do have a solicitor. She has said there it is positive in My favour as I've always had share responsibility prior to my ex stopping me seeing him. It was the last resort to go down the legal route as I tried with everything to be amicable and do what was asked asked as I was constantly threatened with not being able to see my son.
It was due to being made aware that I had a new a partner, which she was informed my son would meet her and was a year before they actually met. Prior to this it was just pure control from her side, I was asked to write in diaries, apps, sending me contacts, virtual meetings, which none of them was warranted at all. I paid for the whole mediation process and it was difficult even getting her to attend one and she walked out towards then end of the appointment. I had my son for two years shared care prior to her stopping contact.
That’s the classic reason of why this happens as soon as you get a new partner they turn but they can have as many as they like it’s shocking. They just believe your trying to replace them with your new partner and hate the fact you’ve moved on without them so they use the child as a weapon it’s disgusting and vile but you can and will get through this many of us on here have already.
Having previously had shared care your in a strong position but just play them game you shouldn’t have to but it’s the way the system works and you will get where you need to be in time and with patience and being calm.
It’s always the father that has to jump through hoops to see there kids whilst the mother can do and say what they like which in 2023 is disgraceful but you will get there don’t ever forget that and your little one will know that.
Just be prepared for a lot of accusations and lies and gather as much evidence as you can to show these are false and that you’ve been a strong father in your little one’s life.
Your ex will have a hard time showing your not fit as a father given you’ve had shared care for so long before this so use that as strength to fight through this.
As others have said when u need to vent come here and get it out of your system and with Cafcass and court etc just constantly be child focused and show the court it’s your ex that is failing as a parent by trying to cut you out for no legitimate reason.
We’ve all been through this just in different ways so there’s always advice and support here. Your not alone.
Having previously had shared care your in a strong position but just play them game you shouldn’t have to but it’s the way the system works and you will get where you need to be in time and with patience and being calm.
It’s always the father that has to jump through hoops to see there kids whilst the mother can do and say what they like which in 2023 is disgraceful but you will get there don’t ever forget that and your little one will know that.
Just be prepared for a lot of accusations and lies and gather as much evidence as you can to show these are false and that you’ve been a strong father in your little one’s life.
Your ex will have a hard time showing your not fit as a father given you’ve had shared care for so long before this so use that as strength to fight through this.
As others have said when u need to vent come here and get it out of your system and with Cafcass and court etc just constantly be child focused and show the court it’s your ex that is failing as a parent by trying to cut you out for no legitimate reason.
We’ve all been through this just in different ways so there’s always advice and support here. Your not alone.
I’ll echo all of this!
Expect the unexpected! When you think they can’t stoop any lower, expect them to do exactly that! It’s disgusting, evil, and vile! Don’t lose sight of who you are and always remember that the most important person is your son. One day our children will know how hard we had to fight to see them and that will be invaluable
Thank you very much again and I will update as soon as I have the interview with CAFCASS. Can I ask does anyone know if anything is being done about this, or discussed in Parliament?
Unfortunately it’s very very slow progress. Things are getting better but at snail pace so we’re a long way away from an even playing field.
A lot of it depends on what Cafcass officer and Judge you get as this can vary wildly but as long as your calm patient and fully child focused then you should get to where u and your son deserve to be it might take a while but that’s sadly the system.
Having a solicitor or barrister will help no end if you can afford it but if not you can do it all yourself with help from here.
I couldn’t afford one so I was a litigant in person and I won so don’t ever give up no matter how hard it gets and the mud that’s slung at you it’s all a game and women know exactly how to play it given they are still classed as the most important parent but that doesn’t mean you can’t win because you can even when it seams impossible.
Everyone’s case is different but the amount of experience on here is invaluable and there is always someone who can answer and help.
Any position statements etc come here and ask advice so they are written the best they can be it’s so important especially when doing it on your own.
If you say something and it does not seem like they are paying attention, repeat it and ask them to confirm they have taken note of what you said. My CAFCASS officer was totally convinced of the lies mum told and really struggled to hear what I was saying because it did not fit the picture in his head.
If they forget to include something you said you can challenge their report as factually inaccurate, so keep a record. Either by taking notes or by recording the conversation for your own reference. Remember your focus is to present a positive view of your relationship with the child and a willingness to work constructively with mum to do what is best for the child. If they throw something new in the mix, some or other lie from mum, just calmly deny it. Then bring the focus back to the child.
It can be helpful to write a list of phrases or sentences you want to include in the conversation and have them in front of you. You can tick them off as you go.
Good luck!
No she didn't, I am having him every Saturday at the moment for 7 hours. She was basically forced to do this as she would be made to look bad in court. I have gone through my solicitor making every attempt to resolve this instead of going to court, hower she has declined of this. I have printed out all the messages, texts and emails from her showing that all the allegations made are false, so if the court does indeed require them, they can be produced.
It's hard work to get anyone to listen. There have been attempts (prior to 2012 mainly by FNF) to get equal shared care legalised and a number of petitions since then. The Gov have a habit of ducking and saying it's for family courts to decide. However you can write to your MP and ask them to raise the matter in Parliament. There's a letter writing service on the home page that helps you find your MP and construct a letter, and sends it for you. The more people do it, the more it helps. But there has been a lot of publicity by some womens groups and extremists and academics - that are very anti male/anti Dad these days. I believe some Government policies are based on advice from a particular feminist academic.
Legally - you both have PR (if you were married or on the birth certificate). Legally, that should make you equal and neither parent has "residency" as such when there are no court orders. The problem is - possession is 9/10ths of the law. And women are seen as nurturers in society (which is quite sexist).
There is no reason why you should not have an equal shared care order. It's just a shame Dads and kids have to go through lengthy (and expensive) procedures to get their relationship legalised and in place.
Re CMS - you are only obliged to pay what the CMS assessment is. You can ask them yourself for an assessment.