C79 Enforcement pre-child arrangements order

[Ash]

She could move out and live in her own property! Why on earth did you put it in her name only?! Tax reasons?

She is trying to hurt you, saying you're not the Dad, and yes she is being contradictory. As the saying goes, give her enough rope and she'll hang herself so to speak, so your job is to present as the normal, non hostile, child focused parent from now on.

What was the statement for if you haven't had a Child Arrangements hearing yet? Or do you mean the application wording?

It must have you in a spin wondering if it's true you're the Dad or not, but I think you will probably know yourself somehow. And you are still their Dad as you've brought them up. If it turns out she's telling the truth, after DNA tests, that will look bad for her and you will still be considered to be a parent I am sure.

 

[BrassTacks]

She could move out and live in her own property! Why on earth did you put it in her name only?! Tax reasons?

She is trying to hurt you, saying you're not the Dad, and yes she is being contradictory. As the saying goes, give her enough rope and she'll hang herself so to speak, so your job is to present as the normal, non hostile, child focused parent from now on.

What was the statement for if you haven't had a Child Arrangements hearing yet? Or do you mean the application wording?

It must have you in a spin wondering if it's true you're the Dad or not, but I think you will probably know yourself somehow. And you are still their Dad as you've brought them up. If it turns out she's telling the truth, after DNA tests, that will look bad for her and you will still be considered to be a parent I am sure.

Never: pigs will fly sooner than she moves out :-(. Sadly I couldn’t get a mortgage for the best interest rate deal for a house that was perfect after years of looking that had three other offers so we went ahead and put it in her name :-(
I was niave and we were still madly (excuse the pun) in love after so many years, I didn’t even think about the possibility of an outcome like this…. We even discussed how if we ever split up how we’d ensure it was amicable and the kids wouldn’t be affected

For the occupation order, I ticked concerns of abuse (non-mol), but made it clear I don’t want to rely on any at that time - other than her kicking me out the house and locking the car in the neighbours garage, it seemed rosy and that we’d resolve things. I didn’t at the time refer to them.
Subsequently my ex made a counter non-mol. This is a story in itself.

[she tried ex-parte, judge gave her an in-person, it was thrown out, then she got me arrested again (NFA) then tried to arrest me for “squatting”, then provided a new “1st Witness statement” with new allegations on the morning of another hearing]

The judge tried to broker an undertaking, which I agreed to but she would not, and insisted on fact finding. Hence I had to write a witness statement detailing over 200 incidents of physical, verbal and financial abuse. I’m concerned that this is not child focussed (focussed on her abuse). The evidence is supported with video and sound recordings of exposing the children to adult issues, repeatedly swearing at me and the children, hitting me and the children and threatening to hit them…. I’ve only focussed on the most serious. It’s a psychological thriller read . There are time my response is less than ideal (eg instead of walking away is repost :-/ but no spreading or shouting, just not stopping the engagement.)

So she’s given herself rope to hang.
She’s been much more engaged as a parent for a month or so now (better with the kids (actually with the kids for a change), but with better health, the abuse has escalated.

I worry the points every one makes that the social services side with the mother, esp. if I’m not genetically the dad. I’ve committed everything to the kids, unreservedly.

Appreciate your comments and questions: when I write it down it sounds like a horror film or Devito’s “War of the Roses”

 

[BrassTacks]

For the first time I feel totally out of control. I checked my hear tracker, and since the day she told me about the affair, and not being the dad, my heart rate at night is 15-20 beats per minute faster all night on average: I’m getting up to pee 4-5 times because if that (faster heart rate means more blood going through the kidneys means more peeing!)

I don’t wish going throughly this on my worse enemy.

 

[Ash]

I'm so sorry. You need to find some space to relax. If you can't physically find that, with living there, then try something like a meditation tape so you mentally get a break. There are some on the NHS website (recordings). They help you mentally switch off and relax and "go somewhere" else. Helpful for sleeping as well. It'll help calm the stress and anxiety. I list of allegations is never going to be that child focused. So is your next hearing a fact find?

Mental wellbeing audio guides

Listen to a series of mental wellbeing audio guides to help you through feelings such as anxiety or a low mood.

www.nhs.uk

 

[BrassTacks]

Thanks - appreciate that!

It’s challenging, but I’m ok. I’ll be fine; just need to get through this.

 

[BrassTacks]

@Ash - that book is a horror story.
It’s like my ex read it and is using every tactic therein to destroy her own children.

I don’t see anyway to be able to stop this: once a woman behaves in such an extreme way and so persistently.. there seems no way to stop it.
Appreciate the positive contract is meant to balance the scales and minimise the impact… but it appears like she’s following cues on a rotation to maximise the harm.

 

[Ash]

I thought the same when I read it - it was an eye opener. But there are strategies in there to help you deal with these things - and I think once you're separated and have an order, things will be different and your kids will have space away from her and her games.

 

[MagicJ]

@Ash - that book is a horror story.
It’s like my ex read it and is using every tactic therein to destroy her own children.

I don’t see anyway to be able to stop this: once a woman behaves in such an extreme way and so persistently.. there seems no way to stop it.
Appreciate the positive contract is meant to balance the scales and minimise the impact… but it appears like she’s following cues on a rotation to maximise the harm.

I found a number of techniques useful in your situation, I think it was Chapter 4 or 5.

Whilst you are working the system to get to a point where you can separate and minimise her harm, you cannot control how she will behave BUT you can provide stable parenting to your children and that counts for a lot.

They are starting with a strong stable relationship with you, so build on that, show them that your door is open, non judgemental and supportive parenting to her wild and unstable approach.

The book tackles some of these real life scenarios well and sometimes when you're in the thick of it, we just need the reminder.

 

[MagicJ]

For the first time I feel totally out of control. I checked my hear tracker, and since the day she told me about the affair, and not being the dad, my heart rate at night is 15-20 beats per minute faster all night on average: I’m getting up to pee 4-5 times because if that (faster heart rate means more blood going through the kidneys means more peeing!)

I don’t wish going throughly this on my worse enemy.

As @Ash said, there is a lot of desperation here in her part and it's likely all smoke and mirrors, it's incredibly heart breaking to see a mother do this to her own kids but she is punishing no one but her self and her own relationship with the children.

Take your time to process what she says, give yourself the gift of a day or two before your react, it will also help calm the ticker.

The below quote and the forum often helped remind me of this:

You cannot see your reflection in boiling water, similarly you cannot see the truth in a state of heightened emotion. When the waters calm, clarity comes.

 

[MagicJ]

One point to reiterate.

If she has another property to move out to and hasn't, there are no SG concerns, there is no need for a FF nor an S7.

With all the NFA's a DAB would be heavily pushing for a swift resolution to what is just a scheduling dispute.

Stay the course, stay in the house for as long as you can, avoid her as much as you can, keep conversation direct, transactional and if needed, document it to her on email so you've got a trail of evidence.

Your C100 is key to protection of your children's rights to a full relationship with both parents.

 

[MagicJ]

For the occupation order, I ticked concerns of abuse (non-mol),

Subsequently my ex made a counter non-mol. This is a story in itself.

So aside from C100, you have 1x Occupation Order in place and her NMO was rejected but not completely

[she tried ex-parte, judge gave her an in-person, it was thrown out, then she got me arrested again (NFA) then tried to arrest me for “squatting”, then provided a new “1st Witness statement” with new allegations on the morning of another hearing]

This is your WS on her NMO application?

The judge tried to broker an undertaking, which I agreed to but she would not, and insisted on fact finding. Hence I had to write a witness statement detailing over 200 incidents of physical, verbal and financial abuse. I’m concerned that this is not child focussed (focussed on her abuse). The evidence is supported with video and sound recordings of exposing the children to adult issues, repeatedly swearing at me and the children, hitting me and the children and threatening to hit them…. I’ve only focussed on the most serious.

It seems like this will be mostly irrelevant to the C100 if the NMO is rejected.

The judge can make this hearings evidence available to the the Childcare proceedings.

Where exactly have your C100 proceedings now got to?

Forgive me if I've confused the different proceedings and where they're at!

 

[BrassTacks]

So aside from C100, you have 1x Occupation Order in place and her NMO was rejected but not completely

This is your WS on her NMO application?

It seems like this will be mostly irrelevant to the C100 if the NMO is rejected.

The judge can make this hearings evidence available to the the Childcare proceedings.

Where exactly have your C100 proceedings now got to?

Forgive me if I've confused the different proceedings and where they're at!

Thanks @MagicJ for all your points and support. Love the quote!

I’m starting to be a little nervous disposing too many things - makes my story too identifiable and have a few parents in the school class going Through the same and ex is going out of her way to share her views of me and explain her version of events to our social communities.


She’s insisted on criminalising the end of our relationship. The non-Molds are moving to fact finding sadly. (Not sure what WS is?)

C100 - no directions. I also made a specific issues application as she’s refusing to let me go on holiday overseas without a court order (she’s stoped me going anywhere since mid-last year). She said she agreed but refused to give passport and then said I needed to go to court (a signed agreement to confirm I’ll bring the little one back was not enough). I’m just going with the one… the older one has completely taken her mothers side sadly… (in the most challenging and distressing way: it’s like they talk as one now; totally mirror each other).


I’ll ask for a court ordered paternity test there.

 

[MagicJ]

Sure, only share what you feel comfortable is not going to be too disclosing, albeit a lot of cases are similar I fully understand how you feel about that.

There is a lot of experience on thenforum in dealing with NMO's , I can't say I've heard of them going to a FF before but other members can comment better here.

Your C100 is your focus and that is where your Child focussed approach, which is clearly in all that you are doing, needs to shine through.

I'm sorry to here that your eldest seems to have been aligned by the STBX, the book is very good at methods to support you in such situations and the Karen Woodall blogs are also supposed to be excellent reading to get to grips with the situation.

Once you have an order, which you will, it will help to reverse such a situation!