Avoiding the CONFLICT between parents label

[Pj66]

I wanted to have a discussion on this topic as to what is actually defined as "conflict" between parents.

I find it interesting as narcissistic personality types often deflect and out the pressure back into you. A lot of "you" phrases are used.

A lot of my own anxiety is stemming from anticipating and dealing with the abusive blamer type messages "your behaviour" , "you didn't do x" or "your always etc etc .."

Baby mothers always want to feign conflict, but what is actually defined as conflict? It seems that any disagreements at all is seen as conflict.

"Daughter came back and her teeth weren't brushed and I thought you would have done it, I'm worried about your parenting"

" I disagree"

Would you even explain yourself, would you ignore? Would you deflect?

An interesting discussion would be as to what is defined as conflict, dads have to be whiter than white, but do you have to have no balls? Is it ever possible to navigate without conflict? Correcting the delusional based statement with cold hard facts?

Even with the most toxic exes, setting boundaries would even be seen as control, as conflict.

Why even bother trying to avoid the conflict , it's not possible, why not deflect every single stage based on the "facts " , how can it be conflict if your responses are factual.

In one hand you need to correct blatant false statements or risk getting walked over, feeling anxious , feeling abused, on the other hand, the ex is just baiting you out to respond waiting for their next yum yum pellet to feed off.

What is considered engaging and what is responding? Is grey rocking the only way?

Interested to hear people's thoughts on the topic and what they define as conflict.

 

[Ash]

In terms of Cafcass, they tend to see it as "conflict between parents" as when both parties are making allegations about each other via the family courts. Eg both accusing each other of abuse. If only one parent is making the allegations it isn't "conflict between parents" - either the party making the allegations is lying and hostile or the allegations are true - which is why things are looked into and sometimes a Judge can just dismiss them without them being looked into - depending on the circumstances.

If one parent is child focused and not claiming abuse, that detracts somewhat from the allegations made and comes across more as "Mother hostility" which is also widely recognised by Judges.

Minor disagreements are not the same thing. That could just be classed as "differences in parenting style".

 

[Ash]

Any news about your application?

 

[Pj66]

Any news about your application?

I will post an update soon, I just wanted to make this thread as an area to talk about conflict specifically and for discussion.

So the label is just for CAFCASS then?, disagree all you want over message?

 

[Ash]

Cafcass are the court welfare officers and they see conflict as harmful for a child. If both parents make allegations they see that as "conflict" between parents and then they tend to favour the Mother as the default parent. When often it is the Mother creating the conflict! The best way to show the conflict is one sided - ie created by the Mother, is to sound positive about co parenting yourself and don't criticise her. Let the court see she is the difficult one, rather than you telling the court that. Even if an ex makes allegations, depending on how serious they are, courts and Judges are used to ex's just being hostile and even Cafcass ignore some ex's complaints.

 

[Pj66]

Cafcass are the court welfare officers and they see conflict as harmful for a child. If both parents make allegations they see that as "conflict" between parents and then they tend to favour the Mother as the default parent. When often it is the Mother creating the conflict! The best way to show the conflict is one sided - ie created by the Mother, is to sound positive about co parenting yourself and don't criticise her. Let the court see she is the difficult one, rather than you telling the court that. Even if an ex makes allegations, depending on how serious they are, courts and Judges are used to ex's just being hostile and even Cafcass ignore some ex's complaints.

But telling the facts in court that show the mother is being difficult is conflict?

 

[Ash]

I think you're overthinking it. You don't really tell the facts in court anyway. It's an application for a Child Arrangements order, to formalise time for the child with both parents, so it's not really about the parents. It's best not to say anything about the ex really and just keep things child focused. There is no need to "defend" anything. In a position statement you can simply talk about what arrangements you'd like and why and that you want to coparent amicably and use an app for communication, and just state a line saying the allegations are untrue and you feel the Mother just wishes to be a single Mum.