Guest viewing is limited

Advice needed

M

Matt35uk

New member
Member
Hello new here just after some advice really, I am no longer with My son's mum we weren't married and split amicably about 2 years ago, but over time things became more difficult and our communication broke down, thankfully I see my son every Wednesday and every other weekend this isn't arranged by a court this is something me and and my ex worked out between us.....I miss my son an awful lot and have been diagnosed with depression not only because of that but various other thing's. I am in a relationship now with my current girlfriend we've been together 2 years and have lived together nearly a year my son and my girlfriend get on great which is great, but recently me and my girlfriend have been discussing the future and whether we'd like children together she doesn't have any children and I would like more I'm just very scared, I've been honest with my concerns to my girlfriend, those being mainly around how it will affect my son does anyone have experiences of having children separately and how does it affect you're children ? I never want my son feeling.left out or like I dont love him it's sadly just the situation that we're in could anyone share their experiences please ?
Thanks matt.
 
Hi and welcome. It's good that you have a good informal child arrangements set up with your ex. A lot of Dads have difficulty with that. My thoughts would be - if you had more children - not, how would your son react, but how would your ex react? Would she be difficult about the idea of your son having a "proper" family with you, half siblings etc?

Now normal regular people don't get threatened by that, and there are a lot of kids with separated parents, who have two homes and two extended/blended families. It would be the same if your partner had had kids when you met.

My view is - kids are fine with it, and adaptable. It's how the parents deal with it that counts and if you and your gf are on the same page. Now if your gf didn't get on well with your son I'd be a bit worried, but she does.

I only have the one son and wanted more kids with my partner, but it didn't happen. Initially I felt like you. Not just nervous, but terrified. Because I was already paying child support to an ex who was a complete bonkers narcissist and holding me to ransom all the time. And stopping contact when she felt like it. So I feared the same situation again. It took a couple of years to get over that fear. As I say we couldn't have any in the end but were keen on adopting. But didn't know how my son would feel so held off - and still haven't. He was about 6 or 7 at the time and we said to him we'd thought of adopting another child but thought it might make you feel left out if they were there all the time and you weren't. His reaction was no he thought it was a great idea and he wouldn't mind at all and it would be someone else to play with. I said - what about worrying about them using your stuff when you're not there. That's ok, he said.

I think from his point of view - when he wasn't with me, he already had another family at his Mum's (ex remarried and had another child) so didn't really feel he was missing anything.

Whether it would have been ok in reality I don't know - even in regular families, kids fight sometimes - but they can also be pals sometimes.

So I think as long as you treat them both as special as each other then it's fine. And be straight with them. X has two homes and lives here sometimes and there sometimes. Y has one home. But this is always X's home whether he's here or not and we're all family. That kind of thing.

I think if you don't have kids with your gf she may get unhappy if her clock is ticking. Once they come along you just embrace it.

So how do you think your ex would react? Does she have a problem with you having a gf and your son getting on with her? No jealousies or difficulties? If not then she won't feel threatened by you having more children.

But if you and your gf talk about things and start out with an agreed way that all the kids will be equal, that would be a good start.

When I went through my terrified phase, my gf used to get quite upset and say - but I'm not like your ex. But it was just the situation that terrified me. We didn't adopt because life got hectic and got past that now. I think it would help when your son gets older too. Mine is 13 now and he does get bored with just two adults.
 
Hey thanks for the welcome, I'm not sure how my ex would react to be honest she is very unpredictable we had a situation last year where she actually thought my gf was pregnant and came out of her house to congratulate me and I said it wasn't true, so she was fine then but what she says to you're face isn't what says away from you...she has 2 other children from a previous relationship who are 13 and 17, my sister who my ex hated ( mainly cause my sister had worked her out a long time ago ) neice and nephew bumped into my son at a park with my ex and her daughter and her daughter was saying horrible things about my niece and nephew, which wasn't nice for my son to hear about his cousins so I know things will get said to him. That though I've learnt is my exes issue not my sons, I've seen 1st hand what she's like with her ex moving on and it's not pleasant.

Me and my gf have spoken honestly and she doesn't want it to affect my son either but we do deserve to make a life for out selves just need to be honest with my son and he knows how much I love him and miss him.

It's just hard cause I know what my ex is like and it's really isn't nice at all for the people around it.
 
Ah so your ex maybe is thinking you might start a new family. By coming round to congratulate you, she was fishing! To see what the reaction was. No it's not good if she bad mouths people in front of your son. But the main thing is that she doesn't bad mouth you and your gf to him. If she does start doing that then just correct anything. Like if he says - Mum says you're lazy. Say something like - well Mum may think that but I don't think I'm lazy as I work hard to provide for you. That kind of thing. But important you never say anything negative about the ex in front of him. I avoid mentioning her at all, but if I do it's very general or positive and change the subject. The kids, even if they can see a parent doing something bad, are intensely loyal and could turn against you if you said anything negative about her (and almost certainly tell her).

The most important thing is that your son keeps coming regularly, and you have a good schedule. The rest is just tedious annoying stuff, which you can mostly ignore and detach from. But I'd keep records. Keep a calendar or diary of exactly when your son is with you, all the time. Make notes like - what you did that week-end - if you visited friends or family, any activities you did with your son that day, any holidays or trips away.

Just in case your ex ever tries to change the schedule or stop your son coming. Because then you have evidence of what the schedule has been and the full life your son has had with you and your gf. In case you ever need to apply for a court order. Because it's amazing how an ex can deny they ever saw you regularly if it comes to that situation!

Some ex's do kick off when there's a major change - like a new baby, a house move, getting engaged or married. But it depends on the ex. It doesn't sound like she's a complete psychopath or anything.

The more your son is with you, the more he can see normality and be away from the ex's negativity, and keep a strong bond with you two.
 
Yea she has always tried to find stuff out, there been so much gone on that I can't put on here but I've been respectful and always been honest with her regarding stuff sadly not always had the same back, but I've done it for my son, I just need to stop worrying know it will be OK and it's OK for me to be happy.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top