Advice needed please - relationship with my kids

[Andyboy123]

Hi All I’m a newbie on this so please bear with me.

Basically looking for advice to improve my relationship with my kids please that is in a bad state right now. In fact hasn’t been good since separation April 2019.

My background; I have been separated 2.5 years (divorced 1.5 years). Living with new partner 1.5 hours from my 2 kids who I haven’t seen face to face in 1 year. Kids are anti vaxers and I am clinically vulnerable to COVID but fully vaccinated hence no face to face meet ups. Had lots of meet ups prior to COVID separately with each kid to cater for their different interests... I am unemployed following personal bankruptcy forced by ex wife from ex marital debt and solicitor costs.

Problem with my kids is that they do not value or respect me. My youngest (lets call her Alice) withholds any news or information when I speak to her, talks with disdain to me and refuses counselling to address resentment / anger in my leaving her mum. She is like talking to my ex wife who is a narcissist. I have to be very careful and am on edge talking to her.

My son (John) is older. Is lazy ie no effort in many areas and no action yet to secure apprenticeship which is needed when he leaves school next year. Likes to talk to me as he gets something from me in terms of building him up.

With both kids I have been speaking to every other week on calls. Was devastated at Christmas to receive Christmas card on New Years Eve as they hadn’t got their act together. I sent presents and cards to arrive 2 weeks before Christmas Day. Just seems to me I am an after thought.... Like I have just left the ex but it’s been 2.5 years...

Any advice on improving my relationship with my kids would be massively appreciated.

 

[proud_dad]

I bought a book that @Ash recommended - co-parenting with a toxic ex.

It broke down the psychology of kids caught between conflicting parents and how they develop coping mechanisms when a toxic parent weaponises them.

I highly recommend it as it gave good tips on how to manage parental alienation.

Beyond that I think you need to take some steps to maintain and slowly increase the time the children have with you. Without that, relationships become naturally strained, especially as they grow older.

Find some common ground that you can bond over with them. If you don't have any interests you can share, learn about their interests. I currently play minecraft with my boys. It's boring for me, but for them it's fun to have their dad join them.

Don't lose hope, even when they tell you in your face hurtful things. Deep inside they love you. They're just caught in an unhealthy dynamic.

Take care

 

[Ash]

That book is definitely worth reading. Because it’s not the kids - it’s your ex. They are bot free to be themselves (and yeah I know how frustrating it is when they are being brought up to be like that by the other parent - which is why they need you - for balance). I’ll link it below.

How old are they? Phone calls are better than nothing but don’t help as they are in your ex’s care when they’re on the phone.

I can tell you now that my son is a completely different personality when he’s at ex’s house. He behaves how he’s expected to behave there (as if I don’t exist) - to keep onside with his Mum. When here he’s a bit funny for the first few hours then slips into normality with his relationships here - and all fine!

They will have no control whatsoever over when they send cards. So first thing is - your ex is setting you up to fall out with your kids. Don’t do it. It takes a whole new kind of parenting. Normally if you’d tell them off, you can’t- it’s different. Kids naturally try to play parents off against each other anyway. So don’t react (not easy I know). They only have so much control. If you carry on being fun and great that is the best thing - and teaching by example. You could say with light humour - next year it would be nice to get a card before Christmas rather than late.

But I wouldn’t advise that just yet. Let it go. Because they will feel guilty. Yes they may try to achieve it next year but risk a lot of flack. So they may not try - and still feel guilty.

This is much bigger than Christmas cards. Your ex is behaving as if she is the only parent and you don’t exist.

Best thing is spend as much time as you can with them - not ad hoc visits - they need significant and regular staying over time - to establish a normal life in your home and develop familiar habits and routines with you.

Covid can cause a lot of issues. I don’t know what your medical status is but if you’re fully vaccinated …. To be honest the kids not being vaccinated is a sticky issue - you could go for a specific issues order over it - so a court decides whether they should be vaccinated or not - because it’s their Mother that has made them anti vax! But I am not sure how that would work. Assume they are over 12 if eligible for vaccination? Difficult years- teens etc.

Depends where you live too. I live fairly rurally - smallish school - not too much Covid. My partner isn’t vaccinated due to a medical condition. But my son does a test before he comes. He is old enough to do that without his Mother saying he can’t (nearly 14). He probably doesn’t even tell her he does a test before he comes. The school give them the tests.

So we took the decision to make that our only risk as not seeing him was too damaging long term (my ex is also a narcissist who wants him to choose not to come here). But circumstances vary.

If you can’t do staying over then there should be a regular schedule of video calls, playing games together online etc, doing things online together or via video call, not just talking. That was the guidance set out by a senior Judge if the children had to stay in one home. That a court order should be complied with in spirit. Your ex should be encouraging this.

Assume you don’t have any court orders in place and it’s informal?

Really it would be better if they lived with you. You could explain to them the importance of being vaccinated. And would ensure they saw their Mum regularly. But change of residence is very hard to achieve - unless your ex does something very bad and the kids are at risk.

Tbh even if the kids were vaccinated there is still a slight risk of them being symptom free carriers.

I would suggest you try and get a staying schedule agreed in school holidays. Eg.

Kids do a test before they come, then they come for a week or more. Easter is about 9 days each, half terms are about 4.5 days each.

Or you can have a full half term each snd a split half term. So Feb half term could be split - then 9 days at Easter, the whole of May half term- three consecutive weeks in summer. Oct half term with ex - Christmas split - 9 days each.

That is standard in a court order - half the holidays with each parent. Normally they would also order every other week end and a midweek overnight as well. If it’s too far for a midweek overnight it would just be every other week end during term time.

Thing is you need to put it in writing - either by email or text - because if you need to apply to court at some point it can be used as evidence - to show you tried to reach reasonable arrangements first. After trying that the next step would be mediation to try and reach agreement.

What do you think?

 

[Ash]

The book. It’s written by a PA specialist. Well written- easy to dip in and out of. There are lots of similar sounding things but this one is written by experts and well thought out/easy to follow. Doesn’t solve everything but it teaches you how to handle these strange situations, not trip up, keep some control and keep your kids onside. And a different kind of “disciplining”. I have no financial affinity with it by the way - it just helped me a lot when my son was being alienated heavily.

You need to understand what you’re ex is quietly and subtly doing behind the scenes. Pushing you to fall out with your kids so they feel justified in believing her negativity about you and reject you. They need to be protected from that manipulation.

Amazon.co.uk

 

[Tom_W88]

Certainly sounds like your ex is creating a negative vibe for your kids when it comes to you.

Just keep doing what your doing, the kids will realize this in a few years.