Good evening, looking for some advice please.
My wife and I are currently in quite a strained relationship where both of us are asking ourselves if there’s any point in continuing to be a couple.
Unfortunately, our relationship has over the years had it’s fair share of knocks both from within the relationship and outside it with one thing and another such as with family and what not.
I have always earned more than my wife, and throughout our relationship have paid the majority, if not all of the bills / holidays with her wages covering ‘fun’ such as days out, dates, clothing for them both and activities with our child.
In recent years and due to covid my use of the ‘fun’ account has reached almost nothing, instead for the little I do spend on myself is managed via my wages but only after all bills are covered.
At times my wife’s wages have declined through things such as changing roles, maternity leave to working part time down from full time to reducing hours due to health impacts.
Around eight or nine years ago I ran into difficulties with money, faced with a reduced income at the end of maternity leave, her moving to part time as well as a change of jobs for me and I sought the support of stepchange to manage my creditors and agree a repayment plan.
I didn’t tell my wife about these problems at first, partly through the shame I felt, and due to the fact that we struggled with a traumatic birth, post natal depression and the realisation of the cost of rasing a child with at the time faced with fluctuating income.
I guess, looking back naively we carried on as if we had two full time incomes rather than one and I didn’t speak up soon enough for fear of the panic that would be caused by saying hang on do we really need this or that. It was also universally agreed/decided that the issues were caused by me alone not because of joint decisions and spending.
I therefore felt as if I had caused the mess I should fix it and set about agreeing with stepchange a sustainable solution to get back on an even footing. My wife at the time though shocked, said she forgave me, though now seemingly hasn’t and certainly not forgotten.
Switch to nearer to now, looking back I’m 6 + years into a debt repayment plan, payments have been made consistently, even increased
I’ve since got a better, more well paid job with benefits which I never had the prospect of previously.
Recently arguments have kicked off, which Center again around money. My wife still works part time and her income is supplemented by savings - I don’t scrutinise her spending, nor her use of savings to supplement her income.
However, recently she has started to bring back up the money problems I suffered in the past, some six years ago and how for instance she wants to start monitoring my sole bank account and have proof bills are paid
We’re joint named on a number of bills, short of the fact that the cost of living is going up they’re paid and there are no arrears.
What I don’t understand by demanding to have access to my bank account is what’s to be got from it, for her. I certainly don’t welcome a line by line scrutiny of my expenditure given I don’t apply the same to her account.
She feels as if I’m hiding from her even though I simply don’t agree with the scrutiny that she’d apply to me whilst blind to her own expenditure.
This is just one part a problem in our relationship
Any views welcome
My wife and I are currently in quite a strained relationship where both of us are asking ourselves if there’s any point in continuing to be a couple.
Unfortunately, our relationship has over the years had it’s fair share of knocks both from within the relationship and outside it with one thing and another such as with family and what not.
I have always earned more than my wife, and throughout our relationship have paid the majority, if not all of the bills / holidays with her wages covering ‘fun’ such as days out, dates, clothing for them both and activities with our child.
In recent years and due to covid my use of the ‘fun’ account has reached almost nothing, instead for the little I do spend on myself is managed via my wages but only after all bills are covered.
At times my wife’s wages have declined through things such as changing roles, maternity leave to working part time down from full time to reducing hours due to health impacts.
Around eight or nine years ago I ran into difficulties with money, faced with a reduced income at the end of maternity leave, her moving to part time as well as a change of jobs for me and I sought the support of stepchange to manage my creditors and agree a repayment plan.
I didn’t tell my wife about these problems at first, partly through the shame I felt, and due to the fact that we struggled with a traumatic birth, post natal depression and the realisation of the cost of rasing a child with at the time faced with fluctuating income.
I guess, looking back naively we carried on as if we had two full time incomes rather than one and I didn’t speak up soon enough for fear of the panic that would be caused by saying hang on do we really need this or that. It was also universally agreed/decided that the issues were caused by me alone not because of joint decisions and spending.
I therefore felt as if I had caused the mess I should fix it and set about agreeing with stepchange a sustainable solution to get back on an even footing. My wife at the time though shocked, said she forgave me, though now seemingly hasn’t and certainly not forgotten.
Switch to nearer to now, looking back I’m 6 + years into a debt repayment plan, payments have been made consistently, even increased
I’ve since got a better, more well paid job with benefits which I never had the prospect of previously.
Recently arguments have kicked off, which Center again around money. My wife still works part time and her income is supplemented by savings - I don’t scrutinise her spending, nor her use of savings to supplement her income.
However, recently she has started to bring back up the money problems I suffered in the past, some six years ago and how for instance she wants to start monitoring my sole bank account and have proof bills are paid
We’re joint named on a number of bills, short of the fact that the cost of living is going up they’re paid and there are no arrears.
What I don’t understand by demanding to have access to my bank account is what’s to be got from it, for her. I certainly don’t welcome a line by line scrutiny of my expenditure given I don’t apply the same to her account.
She feels as if I’m hiding from her even though I simply don’t agree with the scrutiny that she’d apply to me whilst blind to her own expenditure.
This is just one part a problem in our relationship
Any views welcome
