Access to daughter stopped/allegations made

[scooter]

Hello All,

I’ll start with a brief outline of my relationship with my ex. I’ve recently learned about the term “gaslighting” and it sums up my relationship with my ex perfectly. In the midst of the relationship we had our daughter who is now 6years old. We split when my daughter was around 2 years old. I just couldn’t take anymore mental abuse and I made the heart wrenching decision to leave for my own health. My ex had 2 older children and had arrangements with their father already in place for 50/50 access. This is something that I agreed would work well for our daughter. For the last 4 years we have kept the same arrangement.

Last year my ex tried to commit suicide and I looked after my daughter whilst she recuperated. I explained to the school what had happened and they made a note of the situation and what the ex had tried to do. I was still working full time and I utilised school clubs, and had family members and friends help me out with school pick ups. Shortly after this had happened my Mum, my daughters Nana, passed away.

My ex ended up losing the house that she was renting and subsequently moved back home with her parents.

Since this happened I noticed little differences in my daughter and things she would say to me ie; mummy said this, mummy said that, mummy said I don’t need to do this or that.

Then last November my ex suddenly stopped me from having access to my daughter. She wouldn’t communicate with me, wouldn’t respond to my solicitor, and wouldn’t respond to the school. My daughter was kept off of school which were marked down as unauthorised absences.

I have had contact for 30mins each week at school, and I recorded every session as I am worried that she is being mentally abused. Every time I’ve seen my daughter she has always thrown her arms around me, told me she misses me, she loves me, she has been asking mummy to come to mine but mummy says no.

My court application is still pending and my solicitor is chasing everyday.

Last week I had a call from social services and I was thinking this was the start of my court application. How wrong I was! It was actually a phone call about an allegation of bruising on my daughter which had supposedly been caused by me tickling my daughter. The phone call absolutely floored me and I was completely lost for words. I explained to Social Services the situation I was in, and that I record every time I see my daughter. They told me the case was closed from their side, but that I should seek legal advice and keep going for access through the courts.

Having read my daughters medical notes, it was noted that she had bruises on her which were classed as “the normal” but she had a bruise on her lower back. The doctor asked if she had been tickled and my daughter answered that I had tickled her, she doesn’t like being tickled and that she pretends it doesn’t hurt.

It goes without saying that I am absolutely mortified! I have never hurt my daughter by tickling her or in any other way. I obviously have the recordings of our meetings at the school and there is nothing on them other than us playing board games and talking about school, holidays, party’s etc.

In the meetings at the school, my daughter has often told me things that are being said in front of her by her Mum and her family. She’s cried because she misses me and wants to come back to mine. We had a fantastic life together and now it’s being ruined by whatever is happening to her.

I am still waiting to hear back from the courts, and I am worried sick that I am going to lose my daughter because of these bullcrap allegations.

Any words of advice, encouragement or support would be very welcome because I am sick with worry and stress.

 

[Ash]

Really sorry to hear you're going through this. But you have your application in now. It's the only way to try and deal with it. It sounds like your ex's parents have been involved in this somehow - if your ex is living back with her parents.

Now you just need to go through the processes and jump through hoops until you get an order for your daughter to spend time with you (or live with both parents 50/50) - whatever the outcome.

Expect it to take time and expect to only have supervised time with your daughter until allegations have been dismissed. It seems very sudden for your ex to do this out of the blue.

Have you had court papers back yet after submitting your application? When you get them, you'll know your ex has had them as well. Did you have an address for her when you submitted the application?

After that, the next thing will be an email or letter from Cafcass asking you to confirm your id then an email or letter with a telephone appointment. Don't miss this appointment. They often won't ring back and they have been known to make their report just on what the Mother tells them, if they don't get to speak to you.

Come on here for some tips before your Cafcass interview - or at any time really - it's what this place is for. The mantra basically though is - don't say anything negative about the ex and keep it child focused. It's a biased system and they think Mothers are the main carers and more important to the child. So if a Dad criticizes the Mother, they count that against you.

 

[scooter]

Hi Ash,

Thank you for replying.

My solicitor applied to court before Xmas, not ideal as the Xmas and NY holidays meant everything was delayed.

I heard back from the courts last Friday, and they told me that I needed to contact a MIAM. I’ve since done this and they signed the C100 form and I’ve now reapplied to the court.

When Social Services called me to ask if “I remembered tickling my daughter” when I could eventually speak I asked if they knew what I was going through at the moment. They had no idea what was going on until I informed them, and they then told me to keep applying to the court as I would need this to gain access to my daughter. They told me that CAFCAS would be involved (I already knew this) and because of the allegation the police could be involved as well. My daughters mum has jumped on this. I explained to social services that if I had done the same everytime my daughter had a bruise on her, then we would be going through this all the time.

I feel completely let down by everything at the moment, and I am so tired, stressed, and worried for what my daughter is being put through.

 

[Peanut 21]

Hi
Sadly you're part of a club no one wants to be in.
Do you have support from friends/family?
The court/childrens services etc system can be very long winded and stressful. It's important you try and compartmentalise the situation with your daughter and focus on areas of your life you have control over.
When you get time back with your daughter she needs a strong and healthy dad to be there for her.
I know it's incredibly difficult but you're not alone and this forum will be a great help for you.

 

[Ash]

Assume you put an urgent application in (urgent applications can mean no MIAM is needed but it's always better to have one if you can to avoid an application being rejected). If they then asked you to have a MIAM and you've resubmitted, it will start the process again I think - so you'll now be waiting for court papers again.

 

[scooter]

Hi Peanut 21,

I do have great family and friends, thank you, I really appreciate the kind words, and yes it is very very difficult.

Ash,

I believe that my solicitor did this in the first instance but a legal adviser still required a MIAM. I'm really hoping that my solicitor
has pushed the application

 

[Ash]

If your solicitor submitted an urgent application they maybe thought a MIAM wasn't necessary - but generally the court don't treat anything as urgent unless it's for an imminent holiday that is booked (ironically). You don't need a solicitor to submit a C100 and sometimes it's better in your own words - providing the words state the situation calmly and don't rant about the ex.

 

[scooter]

I did have my say on the C100, but the solicitor submitted it for me.

In cases like mine where an allegation has been made and social services told me they had closed the case but to seek legal representation
and apply to court. Can I expect to hear from CAFCASS/Police from my ex's side?

 

[scooter]

I wish my solicitor had told me that! I have been sick with worry

 

[Ash]

Apologies - I replied to the wrong thread there so I deleted my post - you don't have a court order yet. But the reply is similar. After your application is issued both you and your ex will get a phone appointment with Cafcass. If your ex makes allegations to Cafcass they may or may not take them seriously. If she does make some the court may decide to do a Section 7 report - a more indepth interview with Cafcass and they check police records etc. The important thing with the Cafcass call is not to say anything negative about the ex. If both parents make allegations they class it as "conflict between parents". If your ex makes allegations they will look into it and it's a case of going through the processes and trying to get the allegations dismissed as false. Then it goes to a final hearing. Once you have an order it is determined that there are no welfare issues. In fact basically once you get to a final hearing, it's determined there are no welfare issues.

In the meantime though, if you're not seeing your daughter and have serious concerns as to her wellbeing, you could contact social services and ask them to do a welfare check. Although this will seriously anger your ex.

 

[Ash]

Before each hearing though, you can submit a position statement - a brief one to two page thing in double line spacing, that "updates the position" since your application/since the last hearing etc. And in that you can get across any points you wish to make. Eg there were no welfare issues in x years until the ex moved in with her parents.

 

[scooter]

Apologies - I replied to the wrong thread there so I deleted my post - you don't have a court order yet. But the reply is similar. After your application is issued both you and your ex will get a phone appointment with Cafcass. If your ex makes allegations to Cafcass they may or may not take them seriously. If she does make some the court may decide to do a Section 7 report - a more indepth interview with Cafcass and they check police records etc. The important thing with the Cafcass call is not to say anything negative about the ex. If both parents make allegations they class it as "conflict between parents". If your ex makes allegations they will look into it and it's a case of going through the processes and trying to get the allegations dismissed as false. Then it goes to a final hearing. Once you have an order it is determined that there are no welfare issues. In fact basically once you get to a final hearing, it's determined there are no welfare issues.

In the meantime though, if you're not seeing your daughter and have serious concerns as to her wellbeing, you could contact social services and ask them to do a welfare check. Although this will seriously anger your ex.

Ahh ok, that makes sense. What happens in the meantime until the court order is issued? I've heard nothing since I had a phonecall from SS a week ago

 

[Ash]

How long since you submitted the application? You might get to hear from Cafcass before you get the court papers back, but usually it's after. It's usually an email from Cafcass (might be a letter), asking you to confirm id by email initially, then a further email or letter with a telephone appointment date and time. How long before you receive court papers - usually 2 to 3 weeks since application was sent, but could be longer.

 

[scooter]

So my initial application was made last December, and was still being processed up until the day after I had a call from SS. I then found out that the court wanted me to get a MIAM, which I did and they signed my C100. Application was made again early this week

 

[Ash]

Ok so it'll probably be back in the next week or two then.

 

[Peanut 21]

So my initial application was made last December, and was still being processed up until the day after I had a call from SS. I then found out that the court wanted me to get a MIAM, which I did and they signed my C100. Application was made again early this week

You can ring the court to ask how the application is going. They can let you know if it's been put in front of a judge to be signed off. Unfortunately it's just a waiting game in the mean time.

 

[scooter]

I have rang Social Services this morning for an update on what is happening, but initially was told that they could see anything on file, and then came back and the lady said there was files that she couldn't access and would need to request them? My question is, is that normal?

 

[Resolute]

Social services can be guarded, it is not unusual for them to have a think before deciding on what information they should share. However unreasonable they are, however ridiculous things seem, the aim is to treat them as an ally. If they take the impression that you are oppositional, they are likely to clam up.

Remember to always take the name of the person you speak to, note the time and what they say. I have experience of being told lies and given assurances in the same call, it felt like there was no reason to take particular note. Significance of this only became apparent months later. I suggest you learn from my mistake. Beware, they might call you back at the least convenient moment, you have to get straight into the right zone to speak with them.

Mum may well do a Subject Acccess Request, so you want these people to be writing about you as the nice guy.

 

[scooter]

This whole process is just the pits! I feel like a criminal

 

[Ash]

Can you remind me why social services were involved before? I know you're very anxious and waiting for the court papers but I would try and be patient and keep occupied until they arrive.