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50/50 Shared care awarded

Bexi00

New member
So we have complete 50-50 shared care of our little 1
Today we have asked to swop days but mum says no so we said it’s ok we’re arrange our own childcare

Mum replied

The consent order states ‘If he’s not living with Father, he lives with Mother’ you can’t have him on your day, so he should remain in my care.

1st it’s a court order not a concent order and 2nd it states all holidays on both sides and on dads side it states term time arrangements but on mums term time arrangements it says

All other times during term-time when the child is not living with the applicant father


So are we able to arrange our own childcare or not ?
 

Roblox

Well-known member
Hi. I thought that if it's your time to have the child you can arrange your own childcare. Presumably your ex uses some childcare also?

Hopefully someone with experience will confirm.
 

StayStrong

Well-known member
Hi. I thought that if it's your time to have the child you can arrange your own childcare. Presumably your ex uses some childcare also?

Hopefully someone with experience will confirm.
That's totally correct. It's your responsibilty to know that a 3rd party elected by you to provide childcare is meeting ordinary welfare and safeguarding criteria.

If that is the case, do it. No concern of the ex, just as when a child/children is in her care it is of no concern of yours. Unless there are demonstrable welfare/safeguarding concerns.

SS.
 
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Ash

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Child is in your care on the days stipulated in the court order. His ex is trying to twist the court order. If she won't swap days, you can't make her, but you can leave the child with whoever you deem suitable to leave them with for childcare, if you need to. Both parents are responsible for and allowed to organise their own babysitters, childcare etc.

You've given her the opportunity to swap days and she's said no.

Suggest you write her a BIFF email (brief, informative, friendly, formal), because it's important to keep things recorded and ensure the order is complied with. Don't let her trick you into breaching the order. If you ever do swap days, make sure it's in writing - either text or email and clearly stating "on this occasion and then reverting to the terms of the Child Arrangements order". If there are too many informal swaps that aren't in writing it can change the order - ie be seen to be agreed that it's informal etc.

Something like

"Dear Ex name

Thank you for letting me know you do not wish to swap x day for x day this week. As per the Child Arrangements order dated xxxxxx, Child name lives with me on x day and any changes to the ordered arrangements need to be confirmed in writing. Just to confirm it is an order of the court and not a consent order, and we are both obliged to comply with the order, which clearly states which days child lives with me. He only lives with you on the days the order does not state he lives with me. I hope that clarifies the matter so there is no confusion.

As you don't wish to exchange dates on this occasion, that is not an issue, and I will arrange my own childcare instead.

Kind regards, you".

Just double check it's not a consent order before you send it! What does it say? Does it say "The Court Orders" or "It is ordered that" - followed by the arrangements? If it's a consent order it'll say something like "It is ordered, by consent".

She maybe just doesn't understand what a consent order is! But suspect she is just trying it on (having followed the history :)).

Congratulations on the 50/50 shared care order by the way! Stick to it to the letter - don't even change pick up and drop off times by an hour or so, without confirming in a text or email it's been agreed. Don't give her any opportunity to say you've breached the order.

Basically just live your lives as if she doesn't exist - you don't need to be flexible about changing dates and times if you don't want to. As she's refused this swap then only agree a swap yourself in future, if it is convenient to you.
 

Bexi00

New member
Thanks everyone for your sound advice

It’s all very new after only being awarded full 50-50 just this week
 

proud_dad

Well-known member
I think if you've just been awarded 50-50, I'd minimise the requests for flexibility as your ex may still be feeling aggrieved, resulting in conflict (that can spiral out of control).

If you need the flexibility, organise child care in your own time.

I have learnt to keep communication to the absolute minimum, and I rarely ask for any flex from her (although she always asks me).

Well done on the outcome.
 
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Bexi00

New member
That’s good mate , at least you got 50/50 , was it long road to get to the result of 50/50 .
It was just over a year .
We submitted c100 in September
1st hearing end of feb and final hearing just this week
But have to do mediation etc b4 hand and mum delayed as much as possible
 

uzzy41

Well-known member
It was just over a year .
We submitted c100 in September
1st hearing end of feb and final hearing just this week
But have to do mediation etc b4 hand and mum delayed as much as possible
Did you get any interim contact whilst waiting for the final hearing
 

Bexi00

New member
I think if you've just been awarded 50-50, I'd minimise the requests for flexibility as your ex may still be feeling aggrieved, resulting in conflict (that can spiral out of control).

If you need the flexibility, organise child care in your own time.

I have learnt to keep communication to the absolute minimum, and I rarely ask for any flex from her (although she always asks me).

Well done on the outcome.
Yes definitely
Lesson learnt straight away
Did you get any interim contact whilst waiting for the final hearing
we just carried on with the arrangement we had already which was 4/14 nights
 
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Ash

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I seem to remember any allegations were very minimal and more ridiculous than anything. And it was clear she was just being obstructive. It is still an excellent result considering how overloaded the courts are these days and you had magistrates I believe!

An example of how to keep presenting yourself well with blindingly calm and reasonable logic. Because there is no reason why it shouldn't be 50/50. Sadly some ex's make some really bad false allegations and stop the child seeing their Dad, affecting the child.
 

Bexi00

New member
Yes was magistrates
It was all stupid allegations.
We just made sure everything was child focused and concentrated on how the 2255 schedule was best for the little 1.

Mum just though that slating dad was the way to go.

It’s like a massive weight has been lifted and we’re looking forward to the future and being a proper little family :)
 
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Ash

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Just edited the title as it's for court results :) When an order is first made there can be some initial lashings out and adjustments, but just keep to your order and all will be fine. That's all both parents have to do - unless they both agree to do something else in writing.
 

Bexi00

New member
Just edited the title as it's for court results :) When an order is first made there can be some initial lashings out and adjustments, but just keep to your order and all will be fine. That's all both parents have to do - unless they both agree to do something else in writing.
:)

I really hope our story gives everyone else hope
 
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Ash

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Just to add to what I said earlier - yes you can ignore her mostly but there are some things that need communication to avoid ructions. My suggestion would be keep communication to a minimum, purely about arrangements (dates, times, school matters) and not get into any kind of dialogue. Ideally by text or email so it's in writing. And keep communications polite and friendly (even if it's fake) but very very brief. A couple of reasons - it's better for child if there are less ructions and hostility. And it's clear what is happening without confusion.

So for example when it comes to starting school there are some things that "may" need discussion and agreement as part of co parenting. Like is he having school dinners or packed lunches? What is happening with changeover of uniform and PE kit? Having said that, if she is awkward and difficult you don't have to agree to anything she says must happen. So if she says he must have packed lunches and only she can prepare them then you just politely state you will make your own arrangements for lunches on the days child is in your care (ie up to you whether he has a school dinner or a packed lunch). Ideally it would be an easy agreement by both that he would have one or the other and each pay or provide on their days but if she's out to be difficult - don't let her be. Just do your own thing if she won't agree something reasonable.

School uniform and clothes can lead to issues. If it's 50/50 then you'll be sharing the cost of everything so there should be no arguments about who pays. But it's about where the uniform is kept, who goes shopping for it etc. Again if she is difficult just do your own thing.

My ex used to buy uniform (not 50/50) but as kids get mucky, my son needed fresh uniform after coming to me and going back to school next day - washing clothes over night is not easy so I kept spare sets of uniform. They're all the same so it shouldn't matter whose shirts or trousers they are! But sometimes it does. For example I'd get left with the rubbish trousers that were too small and falling apart and she'd keep the good ones I'd bought. Just let that go. Uniform is cheap enough in the supermarket! Quite simply you have your own life with child. He will learn people do things differently and that's fine. I always made sure I gave things back promptly if they ended up in the wrong house - just send a bag back with child. PE kit - easiest to leave it at school all week and the parent whose week-end it is picks it up on friday washes it and returns it to school monday. My ex used to keep it so it wasn't available on my days when son had pe so I bought my own set. Sometimes you have to do things like that to avoid stress for the child rather than fight every battle with the ex.
 

Bexi00

New member
We’re definitely use your ideas
At the mo we’re still paying maintence so we’re hoping she will sort out uniform for September
Although I’m super organised and have already purchased white polo tops and 2 pairs of trousers so we’re prepared !!
 
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Ash

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You shouldn't be paying CM once the 50/50 order is sealed but could be best to sort that with the CMS first and keep it above board (especially if you pay via CMS at the moment). It's then expected parents just split the cost of things 50/50/ That could be - you buy school shoes and your own uniform, she buys pe shoes and her own uniform. Something like that.
 

Ash

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Just PM'd you re that. Usually it continues being paid to the Mother - unless the parents agree to split it informally. They will only pay it to one parent.
 
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